Tempestuous
One more dayWolmido is a nice little town, I’ve never actually toured around before cause every time I came I went to directly to the pier, but it has a certain familiar feeling to it. Very much like a home town.
“I like it here”- I say siting in the restaurant- “We should keep doing this field trips”
“Agreed”- Changseon pointed out- “I feel like a bird in a cage… every night before sleep I count the days for the last day of promotions…”
“We haven’t even started!”- Sowon points out from the other table- “So lazy…”
“Whatever…”- he says under his breath. We all laugh. It’s not a secret… those two had something between them. It was a relationship beyond work and beyond the stereotypical boyfriend -girlfriend… weird but comfortable, for them of course.
“Just eat”- he says stuffing him with a bunch of just grilled meat. He scoffs and it makes a disgusted face.
I love watching people eating , it’s something I’ve developed since I was a kid. I’ve always been conscious of people eating and I tent to push people to eat more. I don’t know why, it’s just this motherly feeling that was passed by my mom… It’s the way people smiles and seem so happy that brings joy to my heart. It’s like feeding not only the body, but the soul… and that’s the same reason I skip meals, when I’m alone.
Jimin smiles every time Jungkook feeds him… that smile, so sincere and delighted. I love Jimin’s smile, and the one he gives to Jungkook is always special. Jimin want’s Kook’s attention 24/7 and always plies for more when he gets any. It’s not as exaggerated as in varieties, that’s just a show he puts in for the fans, but Jimin is always making sure Jungkook is taking enough water or that he sleeps in his bed, that he has a long enough bath and that he’s healthy. Jimin’s a good hyung. What people doesn’t seem to understand is that Jungkook loves Jimin the same way, Jungkook is not a brat. He loves and cares for Jimin a lot. It’s just that his personality is different and he can’t express everything in one go. But whenever he gets the chance, he’ll apologise for being rude towards him. He’s not a prick, he knows when he had gone too far and he’ll step over his pride and go to Jimin.
It’s not hard to see through their second persona when you are this near. It’s hard though to figure Bangtan’s real personality from TV, when they have to work and make a show of themselves, where Jin is reduced to a nice hyung/mother like person, Min lazy Suga, God of destruction Rapmon, alien V, idiot Jimin and moody/perfect Jungkook…
Of course, I know that in this huge world of entertainment sacrifices have to be made, and this young men were always being broken down and redone just for the sake of a little more public knowledge. Public knowledge that would give them 5 minutes more in another show. A little more fame that might get more people to actually listen to all his album, not just the title song and see beyond the public figures, to focus on them… on the true them.
I look at the staff, they are all enjoying this time. And I wonder if everything we do it’s really worth it… I guess everyone has their reasons. Some people do it for fame, some for self realisation, and I… now I’m doing it for someone other than me. I’m actually working this hard to help the people I love, this people in front of me.
“It’s been a while since we did this”- Sowon comes to me and sits in my lap sticking me out of daydream- “Our PD is soulless and only makes us work to death”
“You like me unnie”- I say batting my lashes and regaining context of my surroundings.
“It’s not easy to have a doengsaeng as a boss”- she scoffs- “My pride is damage for live… you’ll have to pay for this little party PD-nim”
“Fine”- I say- “Next time we’ll go to the norebang and Sowon-unnie will pay for it”
“FINE”- she gets up facing me.
“FINE!”- I get up too… Sowon it’s at least 10 cm taller than I am, I look ridiculous facing such an… animal.
“I love this girl”- Sowon says passing an arm through my armpits and lifting me like I’m a little kid- “A serve of milk for the growing kid please!”- she says yelling to the ayumma.
“God… I would really punch you”- I say through my teeth.
“Leave her be”- Changseon says making Sowon step aback- “She’s your boss”
“We’re not working, I’m the unnie here”- she points up-“and she’s sooo cute! my pretty doengsaeng”- she pinches my cheeks- “Have you noticed? She’s starting to gain weight and her face is putting up a serious fight against Jiminie’s!”- she pushes me to sit at Jimin’s side- “They look cute together! So squeezableee”- I feel how the blush starts to overtake my cheeks- “If we didn’t know better… no, wait. She still looks older than him… Actually you”- she says pointing at me- “look his age and he looks like he’s 17 or something…”
“Sowon, you are drunk. Shut up”- I say trying to stand up, but she pushes me again and Jimin has to catch me from my waist to stop me from falling.
“But you two… do look good together. It’s a shame you aren’t korean”- she says pouting. It’s nothing serious, she’s just having a ball with me… but it stings, so much.
“Sowon…”- I feel a cling in my heart and her name comes out of my mouth like a plead.
“The real deal here is whether or not our cutie pie Jiminie would accept noona”- she keeps pushing- “I don’t think you stand a chance…”
“I…”- a heavy atmosphere lays.
“Sowon, stop”- Changseon steps in making Sowon withdraw it. He isn’t menace, he just have this kind of authority that it’s difficult to deal with- “Let’s end it here. Ok everyone, let’s get going, it’s late and we have work tomorrow!”- a general shoo makes Changseon get up and clap his hands to make them start standing too. I feel Jimin’s fingers still in my back, preventing me from falling off the chair.
“You ok noona?”- I nod in reply without leaving his reach. It’s awkward, he knows it and I know it too. He’s flushed and so am I, but we can’t seem to leave each others eyes. I don’t know why, but I’m searching for some confirmation, something that says it’s not as Sowon said… that Jimin really likes me. I’m such a mess, but somehow I want Jimin to step forward and say it, say that it doesn’t matter that I’m not korean, or that I’m older… that he likes… me…
But I know better. I know that besides this feelings, there’s nothing more. I don’t have the right to expect something else. There’s nothing attaching us, we are nothing more than noona and doengsaeng and I, myself, want to keep it like that.
It’s not more than a few seconds, but this reminds me, this is what I have to be careful about. I should keep my desires on line.
Jimin looks out the window and I take the opportunity to leave his side, but his hand is grabbing me still by the waist. So I surrender to his touch and do the same as him.The deep blue velvet-y sky spangled with a few stars was spreading in front of us and the view reminds me that it’s something more than my little world of self harm - “It’s been a while since I got back to Busan”- he comments- “This reminds me of home”
“You should’ve come with me last time”- Jungkook says with a little smile in his face- “Your mom was sad about it..”
“I know…”- he looks to the far horizon beyond the sea and the clouds, farther than the dark spreading in the sky- “I was busy”
“… sure”- Jungkook says looking at me. I feel how the heat goes up a few centigrades but he leaves it at that and stands up to look for his coat in the reception of the restaurant.
“Back home I loved going to the beach”- Jimin explains without leaving the window- “When I was a kid I used to wake up before my parents did, I used to leave home and take the train to the beach and spend the morning there, just watching the sun rise, till I had to go to school”- he sits straight again- “Do you miss home noona?”
“Sometimes”- I say looking at him- “I miss my mom… and the food”- I giggle, but then the closeness makes me shake and try to get away from his reach.
“Have you thought about going back?”- he says pressing his hand in my back to make sure I wouldn’t leave just yet. Everyone was already putting their shoes on and walking to the exit.
“Everyday”- I say honestly- “Being away from what you find basic in live it’s difficult and painful, but live isn’t supposed to be easy is it? I think that everything that’s worth has to hurt a little”- he shakes his head softly making his bangs to readjust just in the right place.
“And you have to fight for it”- he smiles- “a good fight always leaves scars”
“Of course, scars are necessary to remember why is worth the fight”
“Yeah”- he breaths out- “scars are the proof”- he repeats like trying to record it going back to the view in the window.
“You don’t have to take my words so into mind”- I giggle.
“I want to… because I have some on my own”- he leans his face between the palms of his hands
“It’s because you have succeeded Jiminie” - I bit my lip and sigh
“I don’t ever want to forget, I don’t wanna let go”
“Of your dreams?”
“Of what I have at reach”
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"God, it's freezing!"- I say walking through the stoned streets- "Tomorrow it's gonna be a torture!"
”Let's have a good time sleep"'- Kook is walking three steps behind with Changseon, carrying Sowon in between them.
”Can't, gotta work"- the cold it’s getting to my hands and I blow warm air to them.
"You should sleep a little though"- Changseon suggests with a hint of worry in his voice.
"I'll just crash the reception's sofa whenever I'm tired"- I say looking back- “Sowon can take my bed, and you’ll have to take care of her hangover tomorrow, so go to sleep as soon as you can. I need to finish the work I skipped to watch the shooting…”
“You haven’t slept at all this week”- Jimin interrupts closing the gap between us- “you should at least take a little nap”
“I won’t wake up if I fall asleep”- I look up. The stars are wonderful, it’s such a pretty night that sometime I hate myself for missing all those things that not a month ago I enjoyed so full heartedly- “I’ve got to work”
“I think I’ve never heard someone different than Suga and Rapmon-hyung say that like a prayer”- Jungkook looks up with me. A prayer.. maybe I am, praying to God to make me able to finish everything I have to do before shutting down for good.
“I might need a cup of coffee…”- I chuckle and the cold weather transforms my breath into a cloud of fog- “… and a blanket too”
“Can I help?”- Jimin hands me his mittens and attempts to make me wear them.
“Don’t worry… I’m not that cold”- I say putting the mittens in his hands again- “I can’t make you do my job, and we need the models fresh and beautiful for tomorrow’s shooting”
“Noona…”- he breaths out with a little exasperation.
“Jiminie, it’s ok, I need to work and you need to sleep a lot cause you are going to need that rest next week”
I walk back to Changseon and take the opportunity to discuss some other important stuff for the pier shooting. It’s nothing of importance, but it distracts me of Jimin’s worried eyes lingering in the back of my neck. Sometimes, I feel like he’s gonna reach to me with his intense glare… sometimes I feel like he’s touching me with his eyes. And once again, I’m on fire.
We get to the hotel and I bid them farewell clenching the bag I was holding, the blanket and a pillow that I knew was unnecessary. I close the door to our shared room and get back to the reception area were the receptionist welcomes me with a cup of warm americano.
That night I travel from lists of expenses to hundreds of cataloged items detailing the inventory of the VPD. It’s exhausting, my eyes are are on fire and it’s taking me longer than it should to review everything. I have at least 20 mails more to go and of course, I have to review the last storyboards for the m/v we’ll shoot in the next three days. Props that are broken, problems with the equipment and some of the other PD’s calling for summaries of the work done. Bang PD pressuring on the almost budget overrun. Some mails from Nana, asking me to illustrate some of her projects for uni…
Past 3 a.m and the storyboards of the m/v came on me like a fresh shower after all those numbers and complicated features of the less wanted part of my job. But I can’t keep going, my eyelids are so heavy that the last shoot of expresso it’s more like a lullaby than an encouragement to keep on going.
“Maybe just a little…”- I stretch myself in the coach and lay down quietly hoping the receptionist won’t notice me. It’s not one of those puffy and comfortable sofas, it’s rough and leathered, but it feels so damn right to just lay down a little…
I dream of a nice beach with white and glowing sand under my feet, the wind blowing my hair while I walk the extension of the long horizon. The sun is setting… or maybe is coming up?… it’s mesmerising.
I dream of the tepid sun, making all the tiredness in my bones melt with it’s shine. The reflexion of the glowing star ball in the calm ocean and the sound of the waves washing over the shore.
I dream of sunshine eye smile and white beautiful teeth, ripped arms wrapping me from the cold and warm lips breathing in my neck.
"...what the f…”-I fall out the coach straight to the wooden floor. The morning was leaking sun-rays through the reception curtains. I rub my eyes to make sure I’m not in a dream… and I’m most definitely not.
“Noona…?”- right there, besides me, a sleepy Jimin rises from dreamland. Swollen eyes and lips, messy hair, sitting crossed legged in the coach, smile reaching his eyes. A smile that is compared to the sun in my dreams, a smile so pure and radiant that overshadows everything else in the room… a smiles that slowly fades away with the realisation of the whole thing- “I…”
“Jimin… it’s ok”- I stand up in one move and release a breath I didn’t know I was holding- “we should… go before anyone notices…”
“I… didn’t think you’d wake up before me. I thought I could sneak out before you opened your eyes… you were… trembling, and you looked so uncomfortable… and I wanted to… I thought I could…”- his lips move slowly, softly and I see something like hesitation in his eyes.
“It’s fine, I don’t care”- I bit my lip and get up- “just… don’t talk to the others about this”- I desperately take my computer and the notes that were tossed across the table.
“Why?”- his hoarse voice becoming clear with the second- “I…”- the insecurity goes away almost at the same time it came and he has a fierce determination once again- “You looked so fragile, and cold that I just had to hold you, I needed to because…”
“Jimin it doesn’t matter”- I say trying to stop the line of thought he had -“I don’t… care at all, but people can judge so hard… and this is not… right. We are not right”- I keep looking for all my stuff and when I rise again is to Jimin's face, so close I was breathing the air he was realising, his whole body covering mine with a tight hold… and I feel, his heart racing, his difficult breathing and the last remains of my sanity with it.
My feet sinked in the ground, neither of us moving and I know… he’s gonna shatter all my defences, he’s gonna shatter my determination…. I know he’s gonna say it…
“Don’t say that… please, don’t say that noona”- his voice moving the hair that showered in my shoulders, passing through it and making it to my exposed skin- “I’ve always liked you”- I didn’t have a second to process cause somewhere behind us, a loud scream made us shake.
“Minnie!!! Where are youuuu???"- and suddenly Tae opens the door of the hostel and comes charging at us.
It's like a slow motion movie: Jimin looking back and forward in a split of a second while I was just paralysed looking at Tae. Tae noticing me there, but a second too late for him to hit the breaks. Jimin taking me into his arms and flipping me way too quickly so I would face Tae. Tae pushing us, arms first.
It ended up with me, between Jimin's spread legs, head in his chest and being secured in his arms. Jimin took all the hit while I crushed him with all my weight against the floor.
“Jimin-ah! did you hit your head?"- I sit up on top of him to check his head for any injury. I massage the top of his head without waiting for him to answer- "OMG! Taehyung!!! You could have killed us!"- Taehyung's hysteria alarms the rest of the group that makes their way through the lobby to where we are in less than a blink.
"I'm ok noona"- Jimin says sitting straight- "are you...?"
"Does it hurt? anywhere?"- I run my fingers through his hair looking for blood or a red spot anywhere, but panic starts to dissipate when I cannot find anything.
I bring him closer to me and sigh relieved while I look back at Taehyung and the rest of Bangtan
“Tae… really. What if…?”
And then it hits me. All of Bangtan’s dropped jaws, Jin's scandalised eyes telling me something is terribly wrong and… of course, it’s all a terrible mistake, but Seunghyun is right there, watching the whole scene.
I look at our positions. I'm between Jimin’s tights, our chests in full contact. Jimin's warm breath way too near my skin, his head, almost leaning against my collarbones and his lips almost brushing my neck. His beautiful rose full lips… that had just confessed to me.
"I'm sorry"- I say pushing him too hardly with fear of my trembling hands sending my nervousness all over Jimin’s shoulders.- "I should... go now... and..."
"Noona, are you ok?"- I feel a pair of arms pulling me up- "Noona, are you hurt?"- Suga's hands wrapping my wrists and making me face him and then his lips moves without sound- "are you ok? what happened?”
“I…“- I try to speak, but my low lip trembles too much. Yoongi lends me his shoulder so no one else could see my flushed to the bone face and at the same time tries hard to mimic Jin and J-hope to cover up. All the feelings that washes me up in this moment... I cannot explain. I'm scared, ashamed and exposed... ohh so exposed. I feel ... and I'm so not ready for this to happen... I don't want things to change. I don't want to see Jimin like this, I want to keep being his noona, and I want him as my doengsaeng... I don't want to want him. It’s wrong… it’s wrong that I like him this much. I’m not ready to change…
"I had told you Kim Taehyung, you have to be careful. What if Jiminie gets hurt right in this moment? We are just days away from deadline, we need to be in perfect shape and you jumping on us when we are not prepared could lead to injuries..."- Jin reprehending Tae deviates attention while Suga keeps trying to calm me down pressing my head against his shoulder.
"Jiminnie"- Tae is in the corner of the room playing nervously with his fingers - "Are you hurt? I'm so sorry, I didn't know... noona was..."
"I'm fine!"- Jimin says in a louder tone than necessary- "But you could've hurted noona Tae"- I realise Jimin's up and approaching me... I'm not prepared to see him in the eye so I press myself further into Yoongi's embrace.
“Yoongi get me out of here”- I whisper, but before he has the time to do it, Seunghyun is already pulling me out of Suga’s arms and making me walk to the conference room of the hostel. She’s actually pulling me hard enough to leave marks on my arms.
“What the heck?!”- She yelled not waiting for the door of the room to close- “What are you doing?! What kind of drama are you ing playing?”
“Seong…saengnim”- I stutter- “It’s not what you think… I… didn’t do anything”
“Look at yourself! You are a ing mess! Did you… did you sleep…?”
“No!”- I feel panic washing over my overly stimulated and not yet awake brain- “I didn’t… he just….”
“What? Just speak, for DAMN SAKE!”- she’s so angry that the veins in her forehead are plumbing- “This is not the way I thought you would handle this! … If I knew you would play him like this. How can you let him get more into you…? Are you offering yourself to him? I would’ve never told you.”- I see how someone pushes open the door- “that Jimin liked you”-and Jimin’s body comes in… Jimin’s body, cause his mind feels kilometers away while I see his heart breaking through his ribs. The hollow silence drains my voice and the knot that was in my throat expands to my whole body weighting it down.
“You… knew?”-his eyes making hole in my chest. Seconds running while I drown in desperation, a acute sound started ringing in my ears.- “Did you told her auntie?”
“Jimin… I’m so sorry”- Seunghyun approaches him and tries to hug him, but he shoves her.
“Noona…”- he calls. I can’t look at him, I’m paralysed- “Noona… look at me”- He walks to me and grabs my arm, the same place Seunghyun had bruised… but his fingers, even when being wrapped tightly never hurted.- “Why don't you look at me?!"- Jimin yells. I have never heard such sorrowful voice resonating throughout the walls of my mind.
“It’s not you… I have no idea how to face you with this feelings…”- but words never leave my mouth.
“Was it fun? To play with me?”- His voice cracking and it’s more than obvious… it’s hurting so bad. It’s everything I hoped not to happened. It’s what I wanted the least. Jimin… hurting, because of me. I can’t look at him, I don’t have the strength to make my head go up.- “Did you liked it noona? It’s fun, cause I’m just a kid, isn’t it?”
“You… don’t, aren’t…”
“Was it fun?!”- tears start falling to his shoes, washing over them and sliding down to the floor.
“No! I…”
“I really love you noona”- he whispers, almost begging for something, but almost like saying goodbye too. and suddenly his feet are no longer in my field of view. He’s leaving, and I can’t move…
"Jimin, stop!"- Hoseok intervenes before I get to react- "Listen to what noona has to tell you..."
“She has nothing to say, don’t you see? she can’t even look at me!”- I dreadfully turn around to look at him, but it’s already too late, he’s half way through the door.
The next thing I hear is the door slamming, leaving me in my own pool of tears.
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