“No, you weren’t too loud. I’ve been up even before you left the room.” Jaejoong breathed out. He lifted his hand running it through his hair. I watch as his bangs went back then fell across his forehead again. His dark eyes focused up at the night sky. I stared in wonder as the stars and moon seem to reflect in his eyes. “I saw you get up and go outside. I didn’t follow because I thought you wanted some privacy.” He let out a sigh then turned his head to look at me. “Sorry, but I couldn’t stay another minute in there wide awake. Daesung snores really loud and he was right next to my ear. I thought I was going to go deaf.”

“So that’s who was snoring.” I chuckled shaking my head. “I was seriously wondering who it was? It must to have him right next to your ear?”

“You have no idea. He sounds just like a bear.” He joked shaking his head with a smile. Just then a loud snore came from inside making us look behind us. Jaejoong and I then looked at each other and laughed. Yeah, he sounds just like a bear. Our chuckles died down after a while. All was left was an awkward silence. The crickets and the creatures of the night sang in the background as the wind seemed to have picked up softly. I should go. I need to go. I avoided his intense gaze as I felt his eyes staring at me. “So was that your infamous mother on the phone?” I let out a laugh. Nodding my head. If any of the conversation we had during dinner was aired, my mom will kill me. “You must miss her?”

“Yeah.” I replied. I stared back up at the stars with a small smile. My eyes holding a far off look as I thought about my crazy parents. “She is crazy and weird, but she is still my mother.”

“When was the last time you saw her?”

“Almost two years.” I am such a ty daughter, right? “Even talking on the phone, it’s been a couple of weeks. I always mean to call her and my dad, but…but I’ve been so busy. You know, if I knew that being an idol would be like this, I probably would have never done it.”

“You don’t mean it.”

“I do. To get this far, to where I am now. I feel like I lost a lot. I haven’t seen my family in almost two years. My friends, who I have known since I was little, treat me differently. The minute Violets became famous, was the minute they didn’t treat me the same. It wasn’t like ‘let’s go have shopping cart races down a hill and laugh’. It became ‘hey, let’s go to the mall buy cloths and talk about introducing us to your celebrity friends’.” I let out in a squeaky voice making Jaejoong laugh. I rolled my eyes just at the thought. Believe it or not that is what they actually told me. “They treat me like a celebrity not like a trusted friend. So I stopped talking to them. Pathetic right?” Jaejoong shook his head no. I can’t believe I am telling him this. I never told anyone before about how I truly felt. I always just kept it in, but here I am with a man that I just met today. A man that makes my heart race and jumbles my thoughts. Here I am just casually letting out how I truly feel to him. “Don’t get me wrong. I have many celebrity friends I am close with. Even some behind the scenes crews. But it is not the same. Only some would do stupid with me. Others worry about their image and tell me I should worry about mine to. I sometimes think what my life would have been like if I was normal? Would I be married with kids? Would I travel? Finishing college? Or would I have been unhappy and stuck in Busan. Or even happy in Busan.”

“Everyone wonders that at one point in their lives.” Jaejoong let out. I turned my head to look at him curiously. “I wondered that a lot of times too. I wondered what it would be like to walk in the streets without fans chasing after me. I wondered what it would be like to eat peaceful at a restaurant without seeing faces pressed up against the glass staring at me in longing. Even without being able to do promotions, we still get hounded and chased by fans. Some more daring that others. But you know what I always think about when I wonder about a normal life?”

“What?”

“I think about those fans that say my music helps them. Those girls that feel encouraged to be themselves. Those boys that get determination to ask the girl they love out. And those couples that cry along in sorrow with my music telling them it will be alright. Despite all the bad that comes with being an idol there is also a lot of good. The feeling of knowing that my music and my words can impact someone’s life is worth all the chases. The invasion of privacy. And even the hate comments online.”

I stared at Jaejoong’s gentle face in shock. His words floating through my mind as I took in his whole speech. Looking down at my hands on my lap, a soft smile graced my lips.

 He is right. When I was little that is what I wanted. I wanted to help people, strengthen them with my music. Even if now I am part of a group and I have no control on what I sing. I just have to take it one step at a time. I have to keep climbing up and let my voice reach everyone. I might be a rapper now, but I won’t be forever. I am going towards my future. My parents, although I miss them so much, they understand and support me. If I quit now and return to them just because I miss the old times, my mom would chase me out back here. That crazy lady would force me to keep going. Telling me she didn’t raise an idiot and a quitter.

My life is not normal nor will it ever be normal because I’m not normal. I can’t keep wondering about the ‘what if’s.

“You’re right. I shouldn’t be wondering what my life would be like if it was normal when you put it that way.” I smiled at him. Jaejoong nodded his head at me proudly. I looked back up towards the stars. “You know I never wanted to be a rapper?”

“Really? What did you want to be?” Jaejoong asked generally interested to what I have to say.

“A singer. I think I am pretty good at it. I even got complimented on my voice during my audition, but because I look foreign and I have such ‘charisma’.” I let out used my hands to make air quotes for the word charisma. Like I don’t even know what that means. How could someone have natural charisma without meaning to? I shrugged. “They decided to keep me as the English rapper of the group. Once in a blue moon they let me sing a little on the songs, but they never let me reach my full potential.” I explained. I still remember the day they heard my voice. They were shocked at how strong yet soft my voice sounded. I sang Heaven by Ailee to them and was able to hold the high notes for a long time.  “I am hoping one of these days they give me my own solo. But I know that won’t happen.”

“Then why Sm?”

“What you mean?” I asked confused as I turned my head towards him.

“There are so many other companies that will let you showcase your talents. They will embrace your voice and teach you how to enhance it. Why SM?” He questioned.

 Jaejoong’s eyes were slightly squinted as if he was trying to figure out a reason for it in his head. I just shrugged, smiling softly at him.

Why Sm?

 I honestly don’t know. Out of all the companies in Korea, why that one? Sometimes that even baffles me. In any other company I wouldn’t have to fight to be myself. I would have gotten to be what I truly wanted and done what I wanted. I guess, maybe it was fate. Fate wanted me in the company. Fate wanted me to befriend Yunho and Changmin. Be the ice breaker to reunite them with JYJ. I stared at Jaejoong, who was still looking at me with a puzzled expression. His dark eyes sparkled with an unknown emotion that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

Maybe it was fate.

I quickly shook my head banishing the thought. There is no such thing as fate. I went to SM and got in out of pure luck. I wanted to go to SM. Yup that’s it. I wanted to be in SM. It’s not a bad company. I had lots of good times there. I made a lot of friends and even people that I call my family.   

“So do you know what we are doing tomorrow?” I let out breaking the silence.

“Nope, it is probably something draining.” Jaejoong groaned just thinking about it. I let out a laugh moving my hands behind me to lean back on them. I looked up at the sky with a smile.  “We should probably get some sleep. They will wake us early with that horrible bullhorn.”

“Ugh.” I groan laying completely back on the patio. My hands above me as I look up at the wooden ceiling.  Oh look a huge spider web in the corner. It almost glitters with the moons rays that peaked through the cracks of the wood. “Not looking forward to that.” I moved my hands up to stretch my muscles.   in a big gust of air, I felt bones pop the more I stretched. Man that feels good.  I need that. I could feel my hoodie ride up. Cool air kissed my exposed stomach. I let out a relaxing breath once I was done. My peripheral vision blackened slightly as my eyes unfocused. My body felt completely loose and relaxed. I untucked my legs from under me and let them swing loosely in the air touching the ground every so often. Now completely relaxed and stretched out I sat up with a smile. I jumped down on the solid ground. The fuzzy socks let the cold air of the cement seep into my toes. I looked at Jaejoong with a smile. He was still staring at the spot where I was. His brows furrowed concentrating really hard on a thought. Okay? I should leave him alone in peace. “Might as well go to sleep now. If I wait to look I might kill whoever holds the horn in the morning.”

                I made my way towards the stairs to climb back on the patio to go in the room. Just when I was passing Jaejoong, I felt a hand clamp down on my wrist. I froze mid step in shock. My heart jumped to my throat racing violently. Did he seriously just grab my wrist to stop me? Heat erupted throughout my body from his hand. A shiver taking over. Why did he stop me? Why is he still holding on to me? His grip was tight yet gentle as his hands felt cool in contrast to my warm skin. I looked down at his hand on my wrist seeing that my hoodie sleeve was over part of his hand almost covering it. I then focused my gaze back up to look at Jaejoong. His gaze still focused on the spot where I was.

“Can I ask you something, Ami?” He asked in a soft voice. His voice was laced with so much confusion. I let out a shaky sigh. I focused on calm slow breaths in order to ease my racing heart. I turned slowly so that my body can face him. His hand still holding onto my right wrist. Dark hooded eyes remained focused on that spot. “Do-Do you feel something between us?”

“What?” I breathed out looking at him as if he was crazy. But on the inside, my heart jumped violently wanting me to confirm his question. He felt it to. Jaejoong turned his head to face me. His dark eyes gazed at me.

“Do you feel something between us?” He repeated his question. Jaejoong got off the patio his bare feet stood on the cement ground not far from me. My eyes widen in shock as he took slow steps closer to me. His hand on my wrist slowly and lightly traveled down to my hand. I suppressed the shiver that came over my body as he interlaced our fingers. “Do you feel confused around me like I do around you? Do you feel your heart racing like I do?”

Too close.

You are getting to close.

 Aw man, who cares?

Let him get as close as he wants.

No, no he can’t. Oh god. I am fighting with myself in my head.

 I stared up at Jaejoong. He was only about two inches away from me. He is too close. Too close. Back up! I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. Holy , I forgot how to breathe. Say something you idiot, don’t just stand there like a fish out of water.

“Sam.” I gasp.

Really that is the best you can do? Gasp out your name. What’s next? Tell him your order for takeout. Then just as if on cue my stomach let out a soft low rumble. I give up. I stared into Jaejoong’s eyes hoping he didn’t hear my stomach, but all I got was confusion.

“Sam?” He whispered.

“It’s my real name. Ami is just the name that the agency gave me.” I spoke looking at him with a smile. Jaejoong seemed to stare at me with wonder. His mouth agape. I furrowed my eyebrows. Why is he looking at me like that? Gaining some of my normal conscious and functions, I slowly back up from him. I gave his hand a soft caring squeeze before I regrettably let it go.  “To answer your question, no. ” His face fell while I took another step back putting more space between us. I wanted to tell him it is a lie. That I felt everything. I feel everything between us, but I can’t. This. Us. It’s not possible. This was just a fantasy. Our minds playing tricks maybe. I don’t know. All I know that love at first sight or whatever you call this is not possible. It isn’t real. “I’m sorry. But I don’t feel anything at all.” With a sigh and one last glance at him, I walked away. “Goodnight, Jaejoong.”

BRUMMM EEHHHH BRUMMMM EHH EHH EHHHHH

“Ugh!” I groaned grabbing my pillow lifting it up to cover my ears. That damn horn. It was getting louder by the minute. Soft hands shook my body gently. “No!” I muttered kicking my feet. It’s too early. To damn early. Ugh I am going to kill that horn. “Will you stop shaking me?”

“Ami? It’s time to get up.” I heard Suzy’s sleepy voice whine as she continued to shake me. I just continued to whine like a child refusing to get up. “Ami.”

With a loud growl, I finally got fed up of her shaking me. I sat up abruptly sending the bull horn in Yoo Jaesuk’s the best death glare I could muster. I will destroy it. Noticing my glare, Yoo Jaesuk laughed coming closer to me pressing the button to the horn. I growled at the older man in annoyance as my head vibrated with the noise. Without thinking I grabbed my pillow launching it at the older man. I smiled in satisfaction when the noise finally stopped and Yoo Jaesuk stared at me in shock. Suzy let out a soft laugh at me shaking her head. With a quick advice to clean up, she got up and went outside. I got up stumbling slightly due to exhaustion. My head is still vibrating because of the damn horn. With a loud yawn and large stretch, I made my way to doing my morning routine. After brushing my teeth and washing my face, I finally made outside continue the shooting.

The rest of my day passed in a flash and soon enough we were done filming. I actually had fun. We ate a good breakfast which I had to help make because I lost the morning game. I was pissed about that, but I dragged Daesung, Woobin, and Suzy with me. After a lot of arguing, clumsy falling, and laughing we managed to get breakfast done. It wasn’t perfect, but it was still good.

After breakfast, we did the last chore the old couple left us and played a game. I spent the whole day avoiding and ignoring Jaejoong. I regretted coming here. I regret making a mission for myself that I couldn’t finish. I felt pathetic. Completely useless. At one point today, I was left alone in my thoughts. I was scolding myself in my head and let me just tell you. I am pretty harsh. A lot of people noticed a tension between Jaejoong and me. They tried their best to joke around asking if we had a ‘lovers quarrel’, which just made us more awkward.

Finally, it was the end. Cameras were off and everyone was getting ready to leave. I stood off to the side next to the road where Jon dropped me off. I wore black shorts, combat boots, and a loose white v neck shirt with a blue blazer over. I was texting Jon asking him where he was at. I have to be in Seoul in three hours for the music video shoot. My duffle bag hanged on my shoulder wanting to bring me down by its weight.

“Waiting for your manager?” I heard Ann’s voice ask coming up next to me. I turned my head to smile at her as I nodded. “Where are you headed?”

“Seoul, I have a music video shoot in three hours. I have to leave soon to make it in time.” I replied. I turned my eyes back on my buzzing phone to see I got a message. Jon won’t be able to pick me up due to being a completely useless nimcumpoop. I let out a growl as I read his words. ‘Find your own way here and don’t be late.’ “Completely useless pain in the man. When I get my hands on him..”

“What’s wrong?”

“, can’t come and get me.” I dropped myself on the ground with a groan. My landing rather painfully on the hot graveled ground. I let out a frustrated sigh as I ran my hand through my dark curly short hair. “I’m going to kill him.” Ann looked down at me with worry.  

“Is there anyone, who you know that is nearby?”

Anyone nearby? I thought hard about the others. Super Junior is on tour right now so they are out. Girl’s Generation, we don’t really get along so I don’t think I can call anyone from there except Yoona and Sunny. Yoona is shooting a movie and Sunny has her radio show now. The members of Red Velvet are busy to and they find me annoying. Understandable, I did pull a prank on them with a couple of the Exo members about 3 weeks back. Let’s see? My group members don’t really drive. Exo draw way too much attention and media. Shinee? No, Key and I are in the middle of a diva fit now.

Don’t ask, I’ll explain that later.

Wait.

I made an ‘ahh’ sound out loud as I snapped my fingers together. There are two people that I know that are near me. They are just in the next town over and they would be happy to speed me to Seoul. But not happy to know where I was at. I could just lie to them. As long as I buy them dinner tonight we should be good.

Just when I was about to dial their number on my phone’s screen blinked a red battery sign then went completely black. No. In panic I poked my screen hoping to revive the screen for some stupid reason. Don’t die on me, please phony. I won’t drop you anymore I swear. Last time was by accident, Yoona decided it would be funny to scare me. I kept poking the screen and pressing the power button in the side, but it was no use. My phone has died in my hands. My eyes widen in horror as I stared at my touchscreen device. I shook my head ‘no’ not believing it to be true.

“I have the worst luck in the world! I didn’t charge my damn phone. Damn it.” I cried laying back on the ground. I flailed my arms and legs around like a child on a tantrum as I screamed my frustration. I don’t even remember packing my charger in my bag. I should check. I sat up opening my duffle back frantically. Clothes, toiletries, food wrappers, shoes, and wallet. But no charger. “Ugh!” I groaned letting my head fall in my bag taking in the scent of my perfume.

“Ami? Is everything okay?” Ann let out cautiously. I leaned back up looking at her with a pout. I shook my head ‘no’ at her. “Do you need to call someone? Want to use my phone?”

“I can’t.” I huffed crossing my arms over my chest.

“Why not?”

“I don’t know anyone’s number besides my parents, but they live all the way in Busan. And there is no way in hell I am telling my mom that my manager left me stranded in Muju. Especially when I have a music video shoot in less than three hours.” I groaned. Focusing my eyes up to the clear sky I ran my hand through my hair again. “What am I going to do?”

“I would offer you a ride, but I have to stay here with the crew. By the time we would be done, you would already be more than late.” Ann breathed out bending down to my level. She placed a soft hand on my shoulder. Her dark eyes looked down at me with sympathy. “I’m sorry.” I just shrugged looking down at the gravel on the ground. I let my hands play with the small rocks. My legs were crossed under me. Ann let out a breath giving my shoulders one last squeeze before she got up. “Hey, if it wasn’t meant for you to be there. It wasn’t meant to be.”

I snorted.

“Why the hell are you bringing up this meant to be ?” I looked up at Ann with a raised eyebrow. Ann simply shrugged and got up. I still need to get to Seoul no matter what. I can just call a cab? It’s gonna be f-ing expensive. “I don’t believe in that . Before you go, can I use your phone?”

“I thought you said you didn’t know any numbers?” She questioned, but still took out her phone handing it to me.

“I don’t. Ima call a cab. I will be late to the shoot. But at least I will get there.”

Ann hummed in response as she waited for me to finish. I quickly started to dial the number for an operator. I talked to a husky voiced man, who disgruntledly gave me the number for the cab company. He sounded like he hated me even when I just told him a few words. Nice guy.

Soon enough, I started to dial the number for the cab company. Just as I was about to press the green button to connect, I heard someone shout Ann’s name. Both of Ann and I snapped our heads up turning towards the male voice.

“Jaejoong?” Ann yelled at the person running towards us. My eyes widen in shock as I lowered the phone from my ear to my lap. Why is he still here? I thought it was just me and the crew now? He jogged towards us with a relaxed smile. Keys in hand. “What are you still doing here?”

“One of the writer’s wanted to talk to me about some stuff for next week.” Jaejoong breathed out once he reached us. He looked down at me in confusion then looked back up at Ann. The older woman glanced between us. I don’t like the way she is smiling at us. She is planning something. “Are you two ok?”

“No, this idiot here-“

“We’re fine.” I hissed glaring at Ann. I don’t need any help. Especially from him. I can get home to Seoul on my own. “Ow, !” I exclaimed as I felt Ann’s sneaker kick my thigh rather painfully. I rubbed the air hoping to ease the throbbing. I am going to have a bruise now. “You didn’t have to kick me, Animal.”

“Don’t start!” Ann scolded. She glared down at me giving me a warning look then looked back up at Jaejoong with a wide smile. “Her manager deserted her here when she has to be in Seoul in less than three hours. And the idiot, forgot to charge her phone so she can’t call anyone she knows. She is planning to call a cab.”

“I can give you a ride. You don’t have to call a cab.” Jaejoong said. I looked at the friendly smile that this handsome man is giving me in shock. I rejected him last night and ignored him all day; he just offers me a ride to Seoul. No problem? “I’m heading that way anyways.”

“No. It’s fine” I breathed out shaking my head. I lifted Ann’s phone showing it to him. A loose smile coming on to my face. “I will call a cab.”

“No, you won’t.” Ann growled. She snatched the phone out of my hand in the speed of light.

“Hey!”

“You are not calling a cab. Do you forget how famous you are?”

“What? You were gonna let me call them before Jaejoong Oppa came!”

“Well, now he is here and you are going to take his offer for the ride. Now get off the ground, you look like a child.”  She scolded crossing her arms over her chest. I glared at her in annoyance as I let out a huff in frustration. I got up to my feet grabbing my duffle bag slinging it on my shoulder. Ann smiled in satisfaction as she motioned for me to go to Jaejoong. The tall man just stood there watching us with his hands in his pockets. His dark eyes shined with a glint of hope. He wants me to go with him? “He will drive you to Seoul. Now go or you will be late.”

“Fine.” I mumbled. I tightened my hand on the shoulder strap of my bag. I sent one last glare to the smirking woman as I moved past her. Jaejoong smiled at me as he held his hand up to grab my bag. I just shook my head at him. “I can carry my own bag.”

Jaejoong nodded his head understanding. I watched with caution as he turned around walking slowly away motioning me to follow him to his expensive car. I looked down at the ground kicking the gravel softly. Guilt flooded me. Why do I have to be such a to him? I should apologize to him and explain. Explain what? That I am ignoring him and being mean to him because my heart runs wild around him? That I am denying any sort of feelings towards him. I am denying it all and it scares me. I was supposed to be here for a mission, but I ended up failing it. I couldn’t go through with it. I still can’t. I watched as Jaejoong climbed into his convertible turning it on. I should go. With one last sigh, I hoisted my duffle bag up securely. Now for a long awkward car ride. I am so not looking forward to this.

“Sam?” I stopped walking hearing Ann’s voice behind me. “I don’t know what happened between you two last night that led you two like this, but you need to fix it. Jaejoong is a sweet and funny guy once you get to know him. He clearly really likes you.” I turned my head to the side to give her a confused look.

“What are you saying?” I said.

“I’m saying. He likes you and you like him.” I opened my mouth to argue, but Ann quickly held her hand up. “You two have strong chemistry that is hard to deny. There is clearly a connection. You were fine yesterday, but today you went through the day denying it all.” She’s right. The whole day. I ignored him and all the feelings I had around him. “This car ride will give you an opportunity to patch things up.”

“And if I don’t.”

“Fate has a way of making you, if it’s meant to be.” I rolled my eyes at her. Why does she believe so much in fate and meant to be . It is not real. I waved at Ann walking away towards Jaejoong’s car not wanting to hear anymore of her bull. “Fix it, Sam. And don’t forget about me when he proposes to you.”  Without thinking, I lifted up my right hand showing Ann my beautiful middle finger. The older woman let out a loud laugh the proceeded to fan girl out loud. “This is just like in the dramas. A forbidden love linking a man and a woman together by a red string of fate….”

I tuned her out. I didn’t want to hear her fan girl about something that isn’t real. I have a feeling I am going to regret giving her my phone number. And she seemed so normal and cool yesterday. I guess I was wrong. Shaking my head, I continued to walk away. Man that woman can squeal.

When I reached Jaejoong’s car I immediately felt nervous. His radio was on a normal range playing Girl’s Day new song. He watched me through his sunglasses as I threw my duffle bag into his back seat and opened the passenger door. I slipped into the leather seat with ease. Putting on my seatbelt quietly, I became nervous. The atmosphere felt suffocating. Butterflies flew widely in my stomach.

 I have a bad feeling about this.

Jaejoong let out a heavy sigh as he put his car into gear pulling out of the graveled road. The car jerked forward speeding out. A gasp escaped my lips. My back is being pressed tightly against the leather seat by the force. My short hair flew around violently with the wind. My eyes widen in shock as a scream was held in my throat. Trees and buildings zoomed past us. I turned my head to look at Jaejoong. Sunglasses on, jaw clenched, and one hand on the wheel flexed tightly.

“Slow down!” I yelled frantically over the slapping wind and the noise of the car accelerating. He has gone insane. “Are you trying to kill us? Slow the hell down!”

With his free hand, Jaejoong grabbed his sunglasses ripping them off his face. He looked at me with serious dark eyes. Anger and hurt swirled in the brown orbs. Guilt as well as panic filled me. I think I know what this is about. No. I know what this is about. Don’t tell me.

A loud car horn echoed me out of my thoughts. I took my eyes away from Jaejoong to see a car incredibly close to the front of the car. Oh my god! I’m going to die! I am too young. I didn’t get to do all the things on my bucket list. Hell, I still haven’t told Yunho that I gave Ran his number. Jaejoong cursed under his breath as he swerved the car to the right going on the next lane. I let out a powerful scream as my nails dug into the door handle and the seat.

“Are you insane?” I shrieked. We were speeding calmly on the right lane passing the many honking cars. Jaejoong turned his head to look at me with an annoyed look. “Don’t look at me! Look at the damn road!”

“We need to talk.”

Was all he said as he pressed on the gas sending the car speeding down the highway.