“What do you mean the president ordered it!” I exclaimed.

I was pissed actually beyond pissed. All of us, Shinee and Violets, stood in the Violets dressing room. We all stood in front of Jon. Me in front of everyone else ready to kill my manager.

It would actually be my absolute pleasure right now.

Upon seeing my now shaking fisted hands, Minho and Taemin took a cautious step towards me. Their arms up ready to grab me. They better back up. I quickly gave them a warning look then look back at my target.

“It means just that!” Jon yelled. He let out a groan as he pressed the ice pack more to his now black eye. Curtesy of my still throbbing left hand. I was too pissed off to punch him right, so I ended up bruising my knuckles. But, it was so worth it. My only regret is that the guys stopped me before I can do more damage. Jon leaned back on the leather desk chair his fat now occupied. Man! I wish I could have done more damage. “It was supposed to be damage control to your damn ‘Family Outing’ episode. I told you the rules, but you ignored every single one of them. So this is the consequence to it. This is what you get!”

“How does that even make sense?” I growled taking a threatening step towards him.

This is what I get!

You know what he ‘gets’? He ‘Gets’ another punch!

I can hear the others with us let out my name in caution as a hand clamped down on my wrist. I turned my head to glare at Taemin with rage. My gaze lingered behind him to my groupmates. Ran in a seething rage, Soonie staring at me in disappointment, and Mimi. She looks paler than ever as she leans against the wall behind Onew. Her face is flushed as she swayed slightly. She must be tired. She’ll probably take a nap standing up. It wouldn’t be the first time.

I focused my gaze back on Taemin. His worried brown eyes pleading me to stop as he clutched my wrist.

“Don’t touch me.” I hissed snatching my arm out of his hold.

Taemin’s eyes immediately widen in shock. I watched with guilt as he looked behind him at everyone then at the ground. He mumbled out a soft ‘sorry’ as he took a step back.

I let out a sigh as I felt my anger calm down. I shouldn’t be so mean to him. It’s not his fault. He was ordered to kiss me. But he could have said no.
He doesn’t have to go along with all of this.

Speaking of which, how dare Jon and the President drag Shinee down in this. They are punishing them along with me. Do they even know how bad the fans will react to this? Hell, they are probably blowing up the fan cafés now.

Damn it!

My picture is going to become target practice. They might even send evil spirits after my soul. If they do that, I swear I am going to murder Jon. Then haunt the president of SM for the rest of my eternal life.

“Are you kidding me?” Jon cried out. I turned my eyes away from Taemin now focusing back at my useless manager. Jon put down his arm holding his ice pack revealing to all of us his now swollen blackened eye. Everyone immediately let out a gasp in shock, but Jon ignored them. His whole attention now directed at me. The person who proudly gave him the shiner on his eye. I smirked at him happy with my work. Damn, I got him good. “Do you not go online? The internet is exploding because of the ‘family outing’ episode. They are saying that you are dating Jaejoong. That you are stealing their ‘oppa’. We can’t have that especially with HIM. We had to destroy that rumor once and for all.”

“So the best way to destroy it is with this.”

“In order to destroy a scandal you must start another one.” Jon breathed out. With a groan, he lifted the ice pack back to his eyes. He looked up at me with such loathing. I rolled my eyes. That seems to be the only kind of look I attract lately. Maybe I deserve it. “You ‘dating’ Taemin.” Whoa hold the ing phone! Who said anything about Dating! “is the only way to completely destroy all the rumors that have to do with you and HIM. Everyone will be to focused on you two to even think about HIM.”

“I am not ‘dating’ Taemin.” I growled. “And ‘him’? Really, Jon he has a ing name.”

“I don’t give a about his name. It’s not important!”

“You’re not important.”

“I don’t feel…so good.” Mimi’s voice moaned out in a weak whisper.

But Jon and I ignored her.

“Really mature!” Jon scoffed. “And you have to do this it’s the only way!”

“I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to.”

“No, you don’t. But you have to do your job! And whether you like it or not this is your job. You choose this, so you have to do everything we say until your contract ends which is in six years!”

“ you!” I yelled at my manager.

“You stupid ungrateful Am-“

Jon and I kept arguing back and forth. None of us wanting to back down from our fight. None of us noticing that our voices were getting louder while we stood toe to toe to each other. None of us noticing Mimi’s swaying body. Or the fact that she was struggling to keep her eyes open.

We just kept on.

At one point during the screaming match, Minho and Jonghyun jumped to me to keep me from launching at Jong. Everyone was distracted on trying to keep Jon and I from killing each other. Minho and Jonghyun holding me back while Soonie and Taemin tried to calm down the situation. Onew and Key were yelling at Jon to shut up and stop provoking me.

But he didn’t.

It’s Jon. He didn’t care how vicious his words were getting.

“Enough!” Ran yelled coming between us.

Ran held her arms up to each of us as if her hands were walls to keep us apart. Jon and I continued to glare at each other as we breathed heavily like animals. Our eyes burning brightly with flames. Ran looking between Jon and me in pure rage. She opened ready to yell the out of us, but she couldn’t get anything out.

Before Ran could even let out a sound, a loud clash echoed in the dressing room. It was like a whole bunch of glass shattering on the ground. The sound soon followed a loud thump. We all jumped in shock as we turned towards the sound.

I let out a gasp at what I saw.

The small coffee table that was next to the couch was over turned. All the stuff that was on top of it now shattered and scattered over the floor, which was just a lamp and a flower vase. The cause of it was now laying face down next to it. Her body rising up and down rapidly as if she was breathing heavily.

Oh ! Mimi!

“Oh my god! Mimi!” Soonie and Ran yelled.

Everyone immediately ran to the fallen girl. They crowded around her blocking my view to her.

“She is burning up! Oh God! Mimi?” Ran let out in a panic.

My heart jumped to my now dry throat.

This is my fault.

I noticed earlier that she didn’t look good. I didn’t say anything. Why didn’t I say anything? I just passed it off as her being tired. I thought she was going to take a nap while standing up. She always does that when she is too tired.

Tired? Wait.

I turned my body back to the shocked Jon. Without hesitation, I immediately walked up to him grabbing him by the collar of his shirt. Jon let out a yelp as I pulled him towards me.

“Sam!” I can hear Onew scream out.

“You do our schedules.” I growled. My fist on Jon’s shirt becoming tighter as I continued to seethe in rage. “Tell me? Did she get a break?” He didn’t answer. He just stared at me with a stupid face. With a scowl, I pulled him closer. His face just a few inches from mine. No doubt, he can feel the heat of my anger on him. “I swear I am going to make your other eye match your left one. Now tell me did-“

“Shut up!” Ran yelled cutting me off.

I turned my head to look back at my leader. Mimi’s head on her lap. Minho right next to her dabbing the sweat off of Mimi’s face.

“Ran-“ I went to explain.

“Shut up!” Ran hissed. “Don’t you see you are making this worse? You always make everything worse. Just get out!”

“But-“

“Sam, don’t you think you have done enough?” Soonie let out in a tired voice.

Flinching back at her words, I fought the tears that wanted to come out. I would be lying if I said her words didn’t hurt.

I have done enough? All I did was try to help. All I ever do is try to help. Try to make sure that the bastards out there don’t take advantage of them. Yes, I messed a lot lately, but I don’t think I deserve this treatment from them. Right?

I slowly let go of Jon in silence. I can feel all eyes on me as I grabbed my purse and headed out the door.

I did what they wanted. I left. I didn’t fight back with them. I just grabbed my stuff and left. Didn’t even bother to change into regular cloths or put on a sweater. I can feel my nose itch as my eyes seemed to fill with water. I didn’t let the water spill from my eyes. I willed with everything in my body to keep them in. I will not cry in front of these people.

Not anymore.

I stared at the ground as I continued to trudge through the building with no particular destination.

They wanted me away. This is me walking away.

My chest clenched in pain as I thought about today’s events. It started out as a great day, but then it quickly went to . First, my own group members basically disowned me from the group. They gave up on any form of friendship that we could have had. They didn’t even give me a chance to explain or talk to them, but nothing would have helped. This is my fault.

Then, the president orders Taemin to kiss me to start a scandal to cover up the ‘family outing disaster’. Which frustrates me to the core. One because they dragged Shinee into our problems without a care. They dragged Taemin into this. How could they even agree to this? And whatever consequences that happen with media and fans will happen. And it’s my fault it happened. It’s my fault that Shinee got dragged into it.
Lastly, Mimi faints. And that was probably because of all the yelling and high tension in the dressing room, which is my fault to. God, I really hope she is ok. Why the couldn’t they just let me stay? What they don’t think I don’t care?

I freaking care!

I stopped walking in a quiet hallway. Only a few people in here just carrying about their business. Not caring about the fact that the Maknae of the Violets is leaning against the wall looking up at the ceiling. I let out a pathetic laugh as I ran my hand through my hair. I stared up at the lights on the ceiling. A lone tear betraying me and escaped my eye. I can feel the tear make a wet trail down to my chin then fall on my chest.

I feel so exhausted. Like all the energy has been away from me. Maybe this is all a dream. A sick twisted nightmare that I got from eating too much noodles.

Yeah, that’s it.

I ate way too much noodles in the recording with the guys from Jyj and I was thinking too much on my talk with Yoochun. So when I fell asleep I created this ed up dream with my stress.

Yes, that is possible. It is possible I am still asleep. I just need to wake up.

Another tear escaped.

I just need to wake up.

Another tear.

I want to wake up.

“Sam?” Taemin? Go away. I am trying to wake up from this damn nightmare. “Are you ok?” Go away. “Sam?” Ignore him. Ignore him, Sam. Out of my side vision, I can partial see the brunette man look at me with concern. He extended his hand out and softly grabbed my wrist with his warm hand. “Sam?”

“How many times are you planning to say my name?” I finally breathed out in defeat. I guess this is not a dream. My life has actually gotten really ty really fast. Still leaning against the wall, I turned so I can now face Taemin. I pulled my wrist out of his hold. I crossed my arms over my chest, but not before I wipe my face from any evidence of crying with the back of my hand. I glared at Taemin as if to tell him that he better not say anything about it. Making him ignore the fact that I just had my own pity party in the hallway. “What is it?”

“I came to tell you that, Mimi is going to be alright. She just has a fever which she got malnutrition and lack of sleep. At least, that is what the paramedics said. They took her to the hospital for now. Don’t worry, Ran is currently chewing out Jon for letting her get like that.”

I let out a huge sigh of relief. Ran should be chewing out herself for not noticing. Hell, I should chew myself out for not being there. Maybe Ran was right earlier today. I am never there. Not when it matters. I shook my head. No, dark thoughts now.

Taemin still stood in front of me.

“Is that it?” I asked.

He shook his head.

Great, there is more. What is it? Did Ran make a voodoo doll of me and was currently stabbing it to death? With a heavy sigh, I motioned for Taemin to go on.

“Look, Sam.” Taemin breathed out. “About this whole thing..”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“But I do!” Taemin exclaimed. I quirked my eyebrow at him. Did he seriously raise his voice at me? Taemin? The sweet boy with horrible jokes from Shinee?

“Look, I am so sorry about this. They told me about the whole ‘dating’ situation before we went on stage.” And he didn’t even think to warn me? Are you kidding me! “I know I should have told you.”

“Damn right, you should have.” I growled. “What the hell, Taemin? Did you know about the kiss before we went up on stage?” Taemin bowed his head slightly down in shame. “You bastard.”

“I swear, I didn’t know you knew.” Taemin defended. He brought both his hands up in a surrender gesture upon seeing me take a threatening step towards him. “I figured they told you and you were ok with it.”

“Who the hell would be ok with this? With as long as you have known me, how could you think me of all people was ok with all this? This is ed up and you know it!” I yelled. “I can’t believe you agreed to do this?!”

“Sam, don’t you see we have to do this. They are threatening to hold back mine along with Shinee’s comeback for a year. No promotions. No nothing. I have to do this. Not only for me, but for Shinee and our fans out there.” Taemin explained. My eyes widen in shock. They can’t do that, right? I mean the fans could riot. They can’t do that. Taemin let out a sigh as he ran his hand through his dark brown shaggy hair. “They can do that. They have the power to do it. Sam, I have no choice. This is my job. And you-“

“Me?! What about me? What did they tell you?” Taemin sighed as if he was preparing to tell me that I only had a few weeks to live. Immediately I felt my imagination getting wild. I thought of the worst possible things they can threaten me with to get me to do this. “What the hell did they tell you, Taemin?”

“If you don’t do this.” Taemin let out in defeat. His dark brown eyes refusing to meet mine. “Jon told me that the President has threatened to break up the Violets.” I froze. It was as if a tsunami of cold freezing water is drowning me. I swallowed a lump in my throat. What? “According to Jon, it’s all because the President is tired of all your rebellion. He is tired of cleaning up your messes. This is your last chance to get your act together or he will disband Violets and force you to go back to training for another couple of years.”

My eyes widen. With a speeding heart, I took a step back. They can’t do that. He can’t do that. This can’t be true. This is just a lie that Jon told Taemin in order to scare him into agreeing to do all this. Yes, that manager planned all of this.

“This is real, Sam.” Taemin breathed out taking a cautious step towards me. “Your ‘family outing’ episode was their last straw against you.” I haven’t even rebelled that bad. I don’t deserve this. I wasn’t that bad! How can they play with my dream like this? How can they play with my future like this? “We have to destroy any rumor connecting you to Jaejoong. We have to ‘date’.”

“But why you? Why did they risk you and your group into this? Why did they force you to be punished to? None of this makes any sense. They can’t do this!” I was livid with the situation. Playing with people’s lives as if we were puppets. Controlling us with a sadistic smile. They can’t do this. “Where the is Jon!”

“Sam.” Taemin let out. He put his hand down on my shoulder. He looked at me in the eyes. A sad smile on his face. “Getting pissed off is only gonna make things worse. Didn’t you realize that from what happened a few minutes ago in the dressing room?”

“They can’t just control us like this.”

“They can and they will. It’s part of our contracts. Jon was pretty serious when he told us about this. They will disband your group and prevent mine from promotions if we don’t do this.”

“Maybe Jon was lyin-“

Taemin shook his head.

“Onew confirmed it. He made our manager call the President in front of us to confirm everything. Sam, he said everything was true. We have to do this.” I stayed silent. I don’t even know what to think of this situation. Part of me wants to yell but another part is just too tired to keep fighting. That has what I have been doing most of today, fighting. “Sam?”

“Why didn’t Jon or the president tell me? Why are you telling me?”

“Well, I think Jon didn’t tell you to avoid you getting pissed and taking it out on him. But that happened either way.” He shrugged.

I stared at him with a blank expression. Not knowing what emotion to show, I just held them all back. A soft whisper in the darkness of my mind telling me that I can’t do this. Telling me they have broken me. I clenched my jaw as I fisted my hands at my side. They didn’t. They can’t break me. 

I built an iron wall around my heart.

Taemin just stared back at me with concern as he continued to talk. “The President mostly likely scheduled a meeting with you today after the show to tell you. Or tomorrow.”

“And you? Why did you tell me?”

“We used to be really close friends, Sam. I still consider us close. Even if you drifted away. You had the right to know what was going on. You have the right to know what’s at stake.” Taemin took a step closer to me. Now placing his other hand on my other shoulder. “As your friend, I am willing to do everything I can to keep them from destroying your dream. I will do anything to help you. We are in this together.” I can feel the tears wanting to come out the more I stared at him. This isn’t fair. “Jon should have told you everything the minute you he saw you.”

He was too busy being an arrogant useless waste of a human being.

“Thanks for telling me.” I breathed out looking down. Lifting my hands up, I placed them over Taemin’s on my shoulder. I looked back up at him. A half smile adorning my face. “I want to be alone for a while now.”

He nodded understanding as he removed his hands from my shoulders. I let my arms drop back to my sides. I nodded once at him as a signal for goodbye as I turned around. I just want to get out of here. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.

“Wait.” Taemin let out stopping me from walking away. I turned my head to see him holding out his blazer to me. Leaving him in only a white V-neck and dark jeans. “Take it. It’s cold outside and you are only wearing a crop top and high waisted shorts.”

“Thanks.” I muttered grabbing the blazer and slipping it on.

The blazer was slightly larger on me, but not too much. It was warm against my skin causing goosebumps to rise and a slight shiver to take over me. With a slight bow and a promise that he will pick up if I call, Taemin turned around and left. Leaving me alone in the hallway staring after his disappearing figure.

How do I feel now?

Numb.

Just numb.

Turning around, I walked mindlessly away. I want to be out of this damn building. I want to be as far away from it as I can. Until I am free, I don’t want to think. I don’t want to feel. I don’t want any proof to be shown to any of these people in here that they got to me. They finally got to me.

Finally wore me out.

“Batman has retired. Whatever will you do, Jokerina?” A familiar husky voice let out in amusement breaking me out of my thoughts. I stopped walking and looked up in confusion. How did I get to the underground parking garage? Looking around, I noticed a familiar car parked, still on, in front of me. A man standing in front of the car leaning back on it. He smirked as he stared at my blank stare. He wore a cap on his head along with sunglasses over his eyes. Blue jeans and a black v-neck graphic tee shirt adorned his muscular body. His right hand clutching tightly to what seems to be a to go bag with food. “So Jokerina? What will you do now that Batman retired? I was thinking you can take a break and split this delicious Jajangmyeon with me.”

I kept quiet and just stared at him. Standing there like an idiot.

Jaejoong pushed himself off from leaning against his car, and made his way towards me.

“You said that if I wanted to see you than I can just come and see you whenever I wanted. Well, I wanted to see you. I know I already saw you earlier today, but I just…Damn this is embarrassing. I just wanted to see you again. ” Jaejoong breathed out once he came in front of me. He looked down at me with a soft smile. His cheeks slightly tinted pink. He then took in my appearance. “You changed? Should I be jealous you have a man’s blazer on?” He softly placed his hands on my arms rubbing them up and down in comfort. His face fell slightly upon my nonresponse. “Sam? You ok?”

I stared up into his worried eyes. I can see the amber flecks in his eyes. Jaejoong pulled me closer to him enclosing me a tight hug as he sighed. I can hear him let out words in comfort. Telling me everything is going to be ok.

The tears built back in my eyes as my chest clenched painfully again. But unlike last time, I let them out. I let the tears fall freely. The wall I built around my heart crumbled completely down. All the emotions and pain that I felt earlier slammed into me full force. I had no way of stopping the memories of today replaying in my mind. The voice got louder as the different emotions fought to take control of me.

It’s not going to be ok. Nothing will.

It’s just all unfair.