I was in the YG, choosing the songs in my upcoming solo album, there will 8 solo and 2 duets. It was not decided who I was going to sing with. It been 3 months since my contract signing and I was busy guesting everywhere, because of me joining YG become a huge talk.

After the announcement of my contract signing in YG, all my advertisement and endorsement continue, and there also huge new offer of advertisement. I just came from on Lining shooting yesterday and there was also another shooting for Ceci later this afternoon. But this morning I’m  just choosing the song for my album and also choosing for the packaging design of it, it was not decided when will my album come out because the SNSD upcoming album is also not decided when to release my source told me that they also starting recording the album. I was with the CEO and my manager also with the producer, we decided that all my song will ballad because it suit my voice.

We decided the 10 songs but the debut song wasn't. I actually happy to all the song that was selected it suit my taste and I think it will hit the chart. One of the songs is the one I wrote especially for her.

I decided to include it in the album, I don’t why but I really want it to be one of my debut album songs. After the meeting about my album, we discuss about the offer of CF on ETUDE. I told them to accept all the things that they thought suit me. The meeting ends after discussing the possible endorsement.

I was on my way to photo shoot for Ceci. I remember my guesting on RADIO STAR; I was the only one guess that time.

RADIO STAR FLASHBACK

“This year is really not great a time for k pop world because of many scandals broke out, like dating scandals, many lawsuit was filed and specially one of the biggest news ever that stir the K pop world is when one member of a nation girl group was being kick out for the reason that we don’t know, let’s welcome our guest for today, JJ.” Kim Gu ra

“Hello everyone, I’m JJ.”

“Welcome to radio star, this is your first here being JJ, so let’s start about your disappearance for two weeks after the incident.” Yoon Jong shin

“Right away? It really never changes.” I laugh.

“You also didn’t change.” Kyuhyun

“You don’t know. Maybe I am?” I laugh

“Did you?” Kyuhyun

“Just wait and see.” We all laugh.

“You were MIA for two weeks? Where are you exactly? No one really know where are you?” Kim Gura

“I was in a friend's pad the whole two weeks.”

“Oh really? So you're drowning yourself in depression.” Kim Kookjin

“Hahahaha. Straight question eh?”

“Wae? I’m just asking. So?” Kim Kookjin

“I was just there. Hahaha.” I sarcastically said

“So let’s conclude you really drowning yourself in depression?” Kim Kookjin

“Hahahaha…you really are persistent.”

“Yes we are, so we can conclude it like that?” Kim Kookjin

“You’re the one said that not me.” I just said and they just laugh at my answer.

“Okay next question, after two weeks, you make a comeback by filing a lawsuit on SM then after a week you we’re free on contract with them. How come?” Kim Gu ra

“Because there’s nothing special, we just talk that I want to terminate my contract and then just like that they agreed.” I lazily answer

“That’s it, nothing special deal like silent paying damage fees” Yoon Jong shin

“What silent fees?” I laugh hard.

“Waeyo? So there’s none?”

“Of course there’s none.” I seriously said.

“As far as everyone known if you filed a lawsuit, it will take time to settle everything and you or SM will pay for damage if ever it was settle. But on your case it only takes a week and there was no damage fee. How does it happen?” Khuyun

“SM and I just talk; we settled everything and agreed that we don't need to make my lawsuit any longer because it's going to be waste of time and energy. So I just suggested them that just terminate the contract without any damage in both parties, so that's it.”

“Okay, then let just talk about you being an artist in SM biggest rival in entertainment, YG. How come you sign on YG not in other company?” Kim Koojin

“Because they really want me to sign on them, even when I was part of SNSD.”

“Eh? Really? Did SM know about it?”Kyuhyun

“No, they contact my mother about it, even I don't know about it, until recently when I was kick out on the group, that my mother mentions it.”

“Why just recently?” Kim Gura

“Because my mother knows that I will not leave GG at all.”

“But in our source you said it yourself that you always think about of quitting. So it was just a joke?” They laugh

“Yes I said it before, I think it was in the best album interview that I told that, but I’ll ask you this do you always do what you always think?”

“So it means that you always think of it but you don't really have a plan to do it.” Yoon jong shin

“Yes, I always thought of quitting because of exhaustion, tiredness I barely had a sleep which everyone knows that it was my hobby, but it doesn't mean that I’m really going to do it, because it's my choice being an idol and it's my choice why I’m here in the first place, so why quit if I choose it in the first place, RIGHT?”

“Your correct, did you miss being in SNSD?”

“I’m going to lie if I said no, but I need to accept that I will never be part of that group again, right?”

“Yes, acceptance lead to moving forward like you’re doing, you practically famous even you didn’t release your solo album yet.”

“Thank you. I was happy because my fans never leave me.”

“ You also own now a fan base only for you, we also heard that it was your fans from sone that leave the fandom of SNSD and make their fandom just for you, is it true?”

“ Yes I have a fandom now, but I literally don’t know if they actually left from soshi fandom.”

“ Okay, so any comment if it’s true.”

“I don’t know what to say to my fans except thank you very much.”

“So on your former member, are you okay with them now?” Kim Gura

“Hmm? Honestly speaking, no.” I just smiled after I answer.

“But did you talk to them about what happen?”

“Like I said before on my press conference, no.”

“Why?”

“Just because….”

“Did you forgive them already?”

“ I don’t know, I didn’t ask myself that question yet?” I said sarcastic and laugh.

“You really know how to answer.” They laugh.

“So let’s talk about your rumor marriage?” Kim Koojin

“Yeah, let’s talk about you being inlove.”-Kim Gura

“Hahahaha. Me? Inlove? W…what are you saying? I already gave an interview about that already”

“So, it’s not Tyler? Who?” Yoon Jong shin

“Who what?” I smiled at them.

“Who are you in love with? You’re former member was in love, 4 of them exactly confirm it, you when will you confirm that you’re in love.” Kim Gura

“ Yes, I’m inlove…”

“Eh?Really? With whom?” Kyuhyun

“This was going to breaking news after the broadcast.” Kim Gu ra

“With myself. I’m in love with myself.” I laugh.

“You’re amazing. JJ.” Kim Gura said sarcastically.

“Remember that line?” Khuyun.

“Yes that was when I was here with them promoting I got a boy.”

“Before we end the show, what do you want to say?”

“Hmm? I just want to say that please expect my album as a soloist and please support me although I was a solo artist now. Thank you.”

END OF FLASHBACK

TAEYEON POV

I was in the dorm alone, some members had an individual schedules and some was out. They ask me to come but I refuse to. I was watching the RADIO STAR of Sica. I was tired, not only my body but also my mind, there's many “what if” in my mind, what if she's still here, what if we didn't agree in kicking her out, what if I didn’t ask for that and most of all what if didn't choose my career over her, we will be happy in each other’s arm, right?

I remember when we're best of friends.

FLASHBACK

" Taengoo...”

“Yes, Sica.”

“I’m sleepy.”

“Then sleep.”

“But I can’t just sleep again; I want you to sing for me.”

“Eh?”

“Please Taengoo.” She pouted.

“But---“

“Okay, then don’t.” She glared at me and pouts more and turns her back on me while we’re sitting it the sofa.

“Okay princess, I’ll sing for you.”

“Really? Thank you Taengoo.” She kisses me on the cheeks and lie in my lap. I just laugh at her cute gesture.

I start to sing her favorite song, loving you. While singing I was her hair. Then when the song was in the middle I know that she’s in the dreamland already. She was my best friend but my feelings for her is not just sisterly or friendly love, I was in love with her since trainee days but I didn’t confess because I was afraid of rejection, what if she doesn’t feel the same way, what if I confess and we became awkward, I can’t let that happen. Sometimes my heart say what if she’s feeling the same way and just waiting for me to do the first move. But my fears always win so until now that almost 3 years since we debut still I’m in the friend zone.

I lean on the sofa and continue to watch TV, and then I the next thing I know was someone was poking my shoulder. I didn’t realize I fell asleep while Sica was on my lap. I look at the person who poke me, it was Sunny.

“Taeng, why don’t rest on the room, both of you.”

“No, it’s okay, I don’t want to wake her up, I don’t have courage to disturb her peaceful sleeping.” I was staring at the person on my lap.

“ Okay.”

She sits on the single sofa, opposite on where we sitting. Silent beckon us until Sunny break it.

“Why don’t you confess already Taeng?” I was shock at her statement.

“What are you talking about Sunny ah?”

“ Taeng, we both know how much you love her.”

“Of course I love her, all of you; you’re my sister and a friend.”

“Taeng, don’t hide your feelings on me, I’m your close friend remember. I know how you feel about her.”

“Is it too obvious?” I ask her, I know I can’t lie to Sunny anymore.

“Yes.”

“So you’re not the only one that knows it? That I…I…---”

“Yes. But that’s not the problem for now Taeyeon, because we accept you for who you are, the problem is, you should confess already because she might feel the same way.”

“What if she didn’t?”

“What if she did? What if she just waiting for to make the first move? Are you going to wait for her to get tired waiting for you, Taeng?”

“ Huh? Ah…Eh? What if we get awkward because she didn’t feel the same way?”

“You should risk Taeng, maybe it’s going to worth it.”

She said and stands, she went on our shared room, I stared again on the sleeping princess on my lap.

END OF FLASHBACK

That day I made a decision that I’ll confess to her and make her mine, I ask the members to help me and they willingly agreed to me. It was when the time Sica was rehearsing for her Musical, I was in the dorm that time and ask the members if they can spare me and Sica alone time in the dorm.

FLASHBACK

JANUARY 2011

 Sica was on the rehearsal of her musical, I was waiting for her here in the dorm, I texted her if she can straight her way home because I have something to tell her, I cook us dinner and make it in a romantic setting.

When Sica arrived my nervousness attack me, and my fear is consuming me again. My palm and forehead sweat.

“ Taengoo….” She sit beside me on sofa.

“Si…sica.”

“Hey, are you okay? Why are stuttering?”

“Ah eh….are you…hungry? I cook dinner.” I was still stuttering. !

“Really? I’m always hungry when you’re the one who cook..”

She held my wrist and drags me to the dining room. She immediately sat down. So I also sat down opposite to her.

“Hey, whats’ with the romantic setting? I feel like it was a date, was it?”

“Ah eh? I….”

“Hey, I was just kidding, don’t stutter, I know you would never like me.” She hung her head low and just continues eating.

“I was…I was---“

“You have something to tell right? What is it?”

“I  l…li...”

“Hmm?”

“I was thinking would you help me to improve my English.” ! KIM TAEYEON you’re such a coward.

“Eh? That what are you going to say?” She sound disappointed.

“Yes. Can you?”

“Of course. But why not Tiff.”

“Because she’s busy.”

“Oh okay. Hey, I’m tired already, I going to my room okay? Goodnight Taeyeon.”

“Okay.”

KIM TAEYEON, you . You prepared all of this for nothing. You’re really are great.

END OF FLASHBACK

After that day, my members teases me always, they said that it was my opportunity but I wasted it, also that they we’re disappointed. After that I didn’t plan anything at all, I really didn’t know that I hurt her that day. I was pre occupied of my fear and nervousness that time. Then something happen a month after the same year, it was the best time of my life.

JESSICA POV

I was now in my way to my hotel here in Shanghai. I was here for some BLANC business, I was free for today so I decided to handle my company, I just got back from LANE CRAWFORD for the signing of contract saying that we were be partner from now on.  I was browsing in the internet when I spot the article that saying THE BEST ALBUM of SNSD was 2nd in the oricon daily album chart. For sure they we’re happy now because of this. For sure they will celebrate and have some fun without me. Sigh. Why do I care?

I will be here in Shanghai for 3 days because of my Blanc. Then after that I will be attending my class then head to Seoul for my schedule. Then while I was still browsing something caught my eyes again, they we’re heading to Shanghai as well for the SMTOWN. I was looking on their pictures, they are happy without me, hahaha, why does it still hurt even after months of being kick out, I promise myself to always move on like I said on some of my interview that I move on already from that fact that I was no longer with them, but why do I always check on them like this even though I know it  will hurt me, why do I keep on looking on their picture being happy if I know it will kill me a thousand times inside, why do I always go back on the video that we’re still 9 if I know that it will just open the wound that starting to heal. Why Jessica Jung? Why?

You’re such a pabo Jessica Jung, you know that exact reason why, but you still keep on questioning yourself, you know the answer in your heart but your mind can’t accept the fact that after all that happen, you love them to the bone especially her even after all that avoidance and harsh treatment from her. I remember the day that I had a courage to ask her to be mine, that’s the best time of my life; I was so happy back then.

FLASHBACK

FEBRUARY 2011

We have a practice now but it’s already late, so there’s no many people here in the building, I was planning to confess to Taengoo this day, my members know it, actually the day Taengoo cook dinner for just the two of us, I know that confession was the next thing that will happen, but I didn’t expect that she will be a coward that day, I was really disappointed that’s why I excuse myself that night not because I was tired, I will never be tired when it comes to her. I was waiting for her years to confess but maybe it’s time that I should be the first one to make a move. I was tired on waiting, so it’s my turn to confess to her and make her mine already.

I was planning singing a song that I personally compose. It was my song for her. We are all here in the practice room and my plan was also finish, we just need to make the other people in the room to take their leave already, and the members will be the one taking care of them.

“Jessi, we will wait for the good result okay? Not like Taetae did.” She laughs but something was up with her eyes. I just shrug it off  maybe she was just tired.

“Hey, don’t tease Taengoo anymore, okay?”

“Okay, you know I’m afraid in HELLSICA.” She said while not looking at me.

“YAH.” I was about to punch her shoulder but she quickly run.

I really am grateful to have a 8 sister, no, let me correct it 7 sister and one future lover. Hahaha. Confident much Jung Jessica?

“Sica, you ready?”-Sooyoung

“Yes, thank you guys.”

“You’re welcome.”-Yuri

“Jessi, she’s coming already.” Tiff

“Okay.”

All other people already left while our manager was buying us foods as an excuse told by Sooyoung. Hahaha. She enters the practice room, she scan the room until our eyes met, she was shock, I just smile at her and strum the guitar, Krystal taught me to play guitar.

MAYBE

(I’m going to use this song, just imagine guys that Jessica sing it and compose it.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVBfbr4Fd2M

chagaun gaseumi eoneusae jogeumssik

My cold heart....suddenly a little bit

noga naeryeonna bwa niga deureowasseo

seems melted when you come to me

geurigo nado mollae nae gaseumeul chaewosseo

And then secretly ..you filled my heart

eonjenbuteoinga jibe doraomyeon

From one day, at the way back home

neoreul tteoolligo inneun nae moseubeul

While thinking of you, that my appearance

bomyeonseo nae mam soge niga inneun geol arasseo

When I saw, I realize you're already in my heart

Maybe you’re the one

Maybe eojjeomyeon

Maybe, perhaps

eojjeomyeon niga

Perhaps, you

naega gidarin banjjogingeonji

I'm waiting.. It would be half

Maybe it is true

eonjena neomu

Always, very

gakkai isseoseo mollasseonnabwa

Closed each other, so I didn't know

Baby I’m in love with you

cheoeumen mollasseo naega neol ireoke

At first I didn't know...I'd be like that

tteoollige doel jul saranghage doel jul

I'd be thinking of you, I'd be loving you

ni mamdo jebal ireon nae maeumgwa gatgireul

Your heart too, please...be same with my heart like this

Maybe you’re the one

Maybe eojjeomyeon

Maybe, perhaps

eojjeomyeon niga

Perhaps, you

naega gidarin banjjogingeonji

I'm waiting.. it would be half

Maybe it is true

eonjena neomu

Always, very

gakkai isseoseo mollasseonnabwa

Closed each other, so I didn't know

Baby I’m in love with you

neomu neutjin anhatgil

I have gotten too late

ijeya kkaedareun nae mam badajugil

Right now, accept my heart that realize

neutge aratjiman ijeya aratjiman

I knew it's too late, I knew it's now but

i maeumeun jeoldae heundeulliji anha

This heart ..will be never swayed

Maybe you’re the one

May