In freshmen year of university, Heechul dragged his beloved younger cousin to its annual university fair. The said fair has various booths — from set-ups from organizations that matches the theme to different food stalls and products. The smell of tteokbokki and other street foods wafted within the campus, attracting both students and professors.

"I don't like it here," Heechul's cousin — Youngwoon, a psychology major — whined as the older tightened his grip around the younger's wrist. People started to come out from different directions, scaring Youngwoon more. He never enjoyed going out to socialize, let alone going out for a school event. Heechul forced him to go though, pulling him up immediately so 'he could experience the fun! You'll never get to do this again once you graduate!'

Heechul made him sit down on one of the benches facing the fountain, "I'll go buy some hotdogs from one of the stalls. You just stay there, okay?"

Youngwoon nodded and watched as his cousin sprint to the direction they came from. He sighed and rubbed his wrist, which was burning from all the forceful tugging and twisting. He looked around and observed how the university was bright and awake. Many students were strolling together with their friends or with their parents. Professors would be with their colleagues, pointing out certain delicacies or local products displayed at some booths. Couples would walk hand-in-hand, swaying it while holding an ice cream cone or a paper bag filled with knick-knacks and whatnot.

It was a sight to see, and he felt happy. It felt homey, even. As much as he hates people, just watching them from afar is already enough for him to create a picture in his memory.

Someone tapped his shoulder. He sighed, "I told you not to buy me anything else, hyung." He turned around and saw a panda mascot in front of him. His eyes twitched in confusion when the panda handed his gift — a "cheer up!" kit, as called — and waved before walking away from his place. He was in awe, They also have those stuff?

Heechul arrived not too later and handed Youngwoon his corndog-on-a-stick. "They ran out of hotdogs, so I bought you that one instead," Heechul explained as he took a bite. Youngwoon shrugged and took a bite as well. They were busy staring at the beautiful chaos in front of them when Heechul noticed a small paper bag on Youngwoon's one hand.

"What's that?" he asked. Youngwoon brought it up to his lap, opening the paper bag's flap, "I don't know. A panda gave it to me."

"A panda? Really?" Heechul scoffed as he looked inside as well. There wasn't a lot inside: a few bars of chocolate, a bookmark with an inspirational quote at the back and a design of an angel at the front, a small keychain, and a small piece of paper. Youngwoon unfolded the paper, revealing a short message (and a cute handwriting) from the giver.

I hope you're having the best day of your life. I am rooting for you! - L

Heechul grabbed one of the chocolate bars and ate it. He looked at Youngwoon and peeked at the letter, "Who is it from?"

Youngwoon quickly folded the paper and stuffed it back into the bag, "Anonymous. Only a single letter was written as a signature."

His cousin grinned mischievously and tried to grab the paper bag, "Aish! Just tell me you have a secret admirer!" Youngwoon tried to swat him away, laughing as he was trying to stand up so he couldn't reach the paper bag. When the younger stood up and walk away from Heechul, Heechul caught up and wrapped his arm around the younger's shoulder. They were laughing as they walked to the main square, eager to explore the rest of the fair's booths and other stalls.

--

Youngwoon was introduced to Park Jungsoo, a business major, during sophomore year. Heechul, being Mr. Congeniality as he is, decided to set up his beloved cousin with one of his classmates. Luckily, Jungsoo and Youngwoon have some classes together — which Heechul was (more) delighted to know.

"I don't usually agree whenever someone tries to set me up, but with Heechul's description about you, I decided to go with it," Jungsoo confessed as he was walking beside Youngwoon. They were going to their next class wherein they are also classmates. The campus is quiet, although there were a few students lazing on the school grounds — some sleeping, some doing PDA, and some just studying under the shade.

Youngwoon chuckled, "I think hyung feels sad that I don't really have any interest in dating, but I'm open. I mean I do want to date, but I just go with the flow."

Jungsoo nodded. It never occurred in the older that he would also date. All he would think about is how to help his older sister with setting up her fashion boutique, something that fascinated Youngwoon too. When Youngwoon asked if Jungsoo has any plans of entering the fashion industry: "I don't really like clothes," Jungsoo admitted, earning a laugh from the younger, "but you'll never know! One day you'll see me racked up with inspirations, then I would call you if I'm out of it because you're my muse."

Youngwoon blushed. No one ever told him that. It felt like a compliment, a phrase that means someone acknowledges his existence and that someone likes him.

All throughout sophomore year, they would make their dates into study dates. The two of them don't mind though, as it's more practical to stay in a café to study than to just hang-out. Youngwoon watches him intently whenever his eyes would land on Jungsoo's papers: a mixture of calculations and drawings splayed. Jungsoo doesn't mind if Youngwoon stares at it for an unholy amount of time; in fact, it makes him content that someone admires his work.

--

Youngwoon started to think if Jungsoo and the mascot were the same person on junior year. He remembered asking Jungsoo out on a date one time during the university fair. He got a text from the older, saying that 'I'm busy, sorry! But don't worry, I'll get back to you once I'm finished!' Youngwoon sighed as he followed the flow of people. There were fewer booths this year, much to his relief as it spikes the volume of students and other visitors.

He messaged Heechul if he could accompany him, but there was no reply. He's probably with that guy, Youngwoon thought as he sighed deeply. He got out of the flow and stayed by a sidewalk, witnessing the picturesque scenery by the university's open field. There were more students seated on the grounds, taking pictures of each other and capturing the whole beautiful fiasco in front of them.

He grew to appreciate the annual fair. Sure, there were a lot of bumping and crowds would literally push you to your destination, but there was something about the belongingness of the student body that makes him enjoy it. The food stalls and other organization booths were just a bonus.

Youngwoon notes a guy asking out a girl in the middle of the field, cameras already raised to film the whole thing. The guy was with a whole group, holding sunflowers and balloons spelling out 'MINE?'. The girl was covering her face, obviously embarrassed with what was happening. The crowd erupted into cheers when Youngwoon noticed the girl nodding and hugging the guy with flowers.

He chuckled and looked away, frisking for his phone when someone tapped on his back. He turned around to see a blue penguin mascot, holding a sunflower, and handed it to him. Youngwoon blinked and accepted it, mumbling a 'thank you' and the mascot left.

Youngwoon examined the flower and notices a blue ribbon wrapped around the stalk, with a small card. He read the card,

Thank you for existing! I hope you're having a great time. - L

He smiled as he stares at the card's design and the writing, heightening the suspicions that the mascot is Park Jungsoo.

--

"God, I can't believe I'm doing this," Youngwoon muttered as Heechul secured the Korilakkuma headpiece on his head. He told his amazing (and big-headed) cousin about his plan of showing up as a mascot. Youngwoon decided to do it on his senior year — 'just to make it a bit more special', he adds — so that he could prove his suspicions (which he didn’t mention to his cousin, or else he’ll be a joke to him).

Heechul took a few good photos, "I'll send these to auntie!" Youngwoon let out a manly scream and tried to grab his cousin's phone, defeated when all he could get was air.

"Ah, Youngwoon-ah. I can't believe you're climbing out of your huge- shell," his cousin pointed out as he patted the headpiece. Youngwoon glared, even if Heechul wouldn't see him visibly doing it, "Just help me out with this thing, okay? I don't want to trip and fall or something."

Youngwoon's plan of action was to go around and offer free hugs, something that he thinks Jungsoo would like once they meet each other in their mascots. His cousin would hold him at the back while screaming "free hugs!", then instruct him that a person would hug him. He heard screaming, giggling, clicking, and hands wrapped around his slightly stout costume. It felt exciting and even soft whenever there would be longer hugs — as if they wouldn't let go.

They already rounded the whole open field when Heechul groaned. "Let's sit down for a while," he complained as he led Youngwoon to a bench. His cousin sighed in relief and loudly, "Ah finally! Hey, you can remove the headpiece now."

Youngwoon slightly shook his head, "Nah, I'm fine. It's weird how this costume is well-ventilated though."

Heechul grinned, "I think there's like a small hole there that gets into the headpiece so you could breathe well. That's some high-tech stuff right there."

The younger chuckled as he slightly cocked his head from side to side, up and down, just to loosen up his muscles. He felt his cousin stood up and told him that he'll just buy a liter of water, because he's too dehydrated and Youngwoon probably is too. He heard him sprint and Youngwoon was left there, alone, on the bench.

He could still hear students talking loudly and the blast of funky music drifted into the air. Somehow, he has gotten used to the fair's noise. It definitely felt home.

He heard shuffling and feet trudging towards him. Heechul doesn't trudge on these grounds — he either walks or sprints back from where he is.

"Is this space taken?"

It was a familiar voice. He was itching to remove the headpiece to look at who is it, but he also didn't want to reveal his identity. He followed the sound of the person's voice and slightly nodded at him, wherever he is.

The person sat down. Silence between them.

"I know I shouldn't share stuff to strangers, but today I feel like I need to tell it to a stranger," the person started.

... Jungsoo? Youngwoon's mind was going off into different places, the sirens blaring, and his heart running fast. He took deep breaths — thank goodness he didn't remove his headpiece — and kept still, letting the person talk.

"I really, really like the person I am with. And I know and truly believe he likes me back," he admitted. Youngwoon listened intently, his mind replaying memories of them together. It has been a year since they have started dating; he thought this was Heechul's best idea. As time flew by, however, they got busy and led to having no time for each other.

Youngwoon was patient. He knew how Jungsoo's dreams mattered and strived to do his best. He watched him stumble and fall, but he was proud whenever Jungsoo gets back to his feet. Jungsoo, on the other hand, was ever so supportive of Youngwoon's goals and what he would pursue. He even accompanied Youngwoon on his first day of internship. Many of their mutual friends think that they click so immediately, even pointing out it looks too domestic. Youngwoon was happy, but Jungsoo...

Jungsoo started to fall out. He would make several excuses. Youngwoon would ask about Jungsoo's whereabouts, which will end up in discrepancies ("Jungsoo hyung? Oh, he's in Ryeowook's place!" one of their mutual friends, Kim Jongwoon, answered. I thought he was at his internship? Youngwoon internally asked, checking his calendar). He badly wanted to know what's going on with him, but Jungsoo would just shut him out.

Youngwoon had earlier plans of asking the older out today, but when Jungsoo said that he's not feeling well, the younger had to continue on with his plan. Even if he feels that Jungsoo is distancing himself from the younger, he wanted to know why.

The person sighed softly, "I'm scared. I'm scared that he would reject me. I'm scared that he would just, throw me away like how others did to me." Youngwoon placed his hands on his lap, listening.

"I'm trying to be... his ideal person. And it's stupid. And I really, really, like him. But I'm scared. I haven't shown like the rest of myself to him. And I might scare him away," he rambled, his voice threatening that an outburst of tears would follow. Youngwoon's heart crumbled; his suspicions confirmed.

Park Jungsoo hyung, he thought. He stilled himself, let Jungsoo ramble and rant. He suddenly felt bad.

"I know he's also trying his best for me, and I'm grateful for it. I've been letting myself step out of my comfort zone, so I wouldn't be scared. But every time I'm prepared to let it all out to him, I get frightened," he continued, his tears already giving in, "My friends would say I'm overthinking. But the truth is, I'm not yet ready. I'm... not yet ready to reveal myself to him. My small things. My secrets. This realization that I love him.

"But I really want to tell it to him, I want to let him know that I really love him, that I really appreciate him," he sniffed, a hint of smile in his voice. Youngwoon couldn’t believe what he was hearing, love? He… loves me? He was overjoyed, his heart could explode there, but when he realized that Jungsoo was keeping him away because of that budding feeling in the older’s heart, his heart then broke.

"I'll do what's best for me and for him," he mumbled. Youngwoon then heard a soft rustle below him, probably plastic. "I was about to give these to him, but I couldn't find him today. I probably scared him away after not replying for so long," the person laughed sadly. Youngwoon placed his hand down and felt something hard inside the plastic.

"I couldn't throw it away," the voice was louder and closer to Youngwoon's ear, "I'll just give it to you instead. Wow, Jungsoo-ah, you're giving away your boyfriend's gift to someone else."

Youngwoon's heart were already broken, but they also sank. His eyes were already blurry; he wanted to cry. He wanted to reveal himself, but he's also scared. He couldn't afford to see Jungsoo broken and hurt — from what's he doing, from what he's feeling... from what he's going to see.

The younger felt Jungsoo stand up and trudged away from his earshot. Youngwoon gripped onto the plastic bag that rustled in his touch.

He never cried. The last time he cried was when his mother died. Time let it heal, it was irreversible.

But this. This was reversible, but he didn't want to know the consequences.

--

Heechul bugged Youngwoon to attend a reunion dinner held by one of their good friends back in college. It has been 3 years, but Youngwoon has been haunted by the impromptu confession.

Youngwoon never spoke to Jungsoo again; he didn't even ask for a closure or a formal break-up. After graduation, Youngwoon forced himself to break all communications from the older. It took him a week after graduation to look at the gift that Jungsoo left beside him.

A few drawings of the older and him together, pieces of chocolate, a light blue beaded bracelet, and a small note contained the small loot bag. The handwriting confirmed his suspicion that it truly was Jungsoo as the mascot during the university's fair. The message also affirmed Youngwoon's thoughts that he was, indeed, breaking up with him and thanked him from all the fun times they had together. He asked Heechul if he knew any of Jungsoo's plans. "Yeah," Heechul somberly answered, "He really wanted to keep it a secret from you, then by the end he'll reveal himself to you. But there were some... circumstances that made him decide not to."

Youngwoon was hurt. He would lie if he didn't say it didn't hurt him. His friends knew how it ruined him and kept him isolated for a year from them. Heechul wasn't an exception from Youngwoon's isolation; whenever he pushes Youngwoon to go out with him, the younger responds with a shrug and stay cooped up in his room.

By Heechul's insistence, Youngwoon got a job as a psychiatric assistant while preparing for his board exams. It did keep the younger busy, and he got back into his normal self. He, however, turned down going out as he noticed 'it tires him out' and 'I feel like I get too drunk easily these days'. Heechul gave those excuses a pass, since he knows how Youngwoon gets tired easily and needed a distraction (other than partying).

"You got to at least attend Kibum's reunion dinner," Heechul egged as Youngwoon drank his tea while reading a book.

"No hyung," Youngwoon answered.

Heechul folded his arms, facing him, "Yah, I didn't push you to join me at bars and I obviously did not consider bringing you to those parties. But, at least, go to Kibum's dinner! He just arrived from the States! He and Siwon just got married too!"

Youngwoon gave him a side glare, "Hyung. It's been years since we all met, and I doubt they would remember me."

"Kim Youngwoon, it has only been 3 freaking years. Are you kidding me? Are you still that hung up on Jungsoo hyung? I told you, the last time I saw him he was flourishing. Inyoung noona is thriving at the fashion scene and he's having a great job handling her!" Heechul explained exaggerately.

That hit Youngwoon a little, so he closed his book and faced him, "No I'm not hung up on him."

Heechul raised his brow, "Then why are you suddenly flustered? I told you to get some closure!"

"It's... not easy hyung," the younger huffed. Heechul knows the whole impromptu confession, and it definitely made him feel bad; but knowing the Kim Heechul, he would make his younger cousin forget that unfortunate event, even if it would take a long time.

When Heechul felt that it still hurts on Youngwoon's part, he gave up. "Fine. But you have to at least go to the reunion dinner. Geng and I will keep you covered, okay?" he reluctantly told him. Youngwoon looked down and nodded, smiling softly at his cousin's proposition.

--

Youngwoon felt it was wrong to go to the dinner.

He was strategically seated beside Park Jungsoo. He offered to change seats when Henry, now a renowned violinist, wanted to talk to Jungsoo, but Kibum told him that 'you guys could talk later' and the older wouldn't leave right away.

So they had their dinner. It was awkward and whenever Jungsoo needed food, he would ask him to pass the said dish. Youngwoon made contact with Heechul, who was busy chatting with Zhou Mi and Geng. He then resorted to engaging a quiet conversation with Jongwoon on his other side, together with Ryeowook.

After dinner, Henry and Kibum played soft music throughout the living area. Youngwoon grinned, noting that his group of friends were once a er for blaring sounds and the flashing lights, now enjoys the calmness and the chill vibes. Instead of bottles of beers, a few were holding red wine while some opted not to drink.

A lot has happened in 3 years; he was immensely surprised how things are changing within them. He grew to love his friends more than ever.

He stepped out of the house, inhaling the fresh air and relaxing his muscle from the tense reintroduction between him and Park Jungsoo. He walked around the backyard and noticed how the night sky was clear and the moon was at its last quarter.

"Hey," he heard as he turned around and saw a person sporting a Rilakkuma headpiece. Youngwoon tilted his head, raising an eyebrow, "You don't need to do that."

"I had to," the person answered, slowly removing the headpiece to show Jungsoo's ethereal face under the moonlight. His hair was light red (pinkish, if he had to describe it further) in a bowl cut, but Youngwoon notes the colors of his eyes — brown irises — that balances out the lightness. He flashes his signature dimple smile that Youngwoon swore made his heart beat fast, even if it looks broken and uneasy. He noticed his tuxedo, black and matched with a similarly colored tie.

Youngwoon approached the older, stopping halfway to put his hands inside his pockets. "Why only now?" he asked inaudibly.

Jungsoo hugged the headpiece, smiling bitterly, "I'm sorry. I was too scared to admit to you my true feelings. I was scared that I might repulse you, even turn you away. I was also... planning to reveal myself to you during that year's fair, but..." he paused, biting his lips in an effort to stop the tears, "I was just so scared..."

"Scared of what?" Youngwoon whined, drawing a step closer to the older, "What are you so afraid of, Park Jungsoo?"

Jungsoo took a deep breath, "Youngwoon-ah. I'm scared that I might lose you when I tell you that this feeling in my heart will grow," he pauses, calming down his shaky breath, "I'm afraid that I might lose you when I tell you that I love you."

Youngwoon blinked, stepped closer, and examined the older. Jungsoo was on his breaking point, on the verge of tears. And when he couldn't help it, Jungsoo bowed down, letting all of his tears fall and his cries be heard. It felt like Youngwoon travelled back to the time when Jungsoo indirectly broke up with him. While that definitely constricted his heart, Jungsoo's confession almost made his heart burst.

So he does love me, the younger thinks as he continued to stare at Jungsoo.

When he couldn't find his words, Youngwoon let his actions do it all. He removed the headpiece from the older's grasp, placing it down before proceeding to hug him. He could kiss him right then and there, but the older is too delicate and he didn't want to shock him.

Youngwoon never realized how he craved for that warmth from the older. When was the last time he got to hug him, let alone be in close proximity with this man?

Jungsoo smelled like musk and home; the shampoo's coconut scent emanated from his hair. Youngwoon took it all in, rubbing his back and holding the back of his head, allowing the older's feelings to let it out.

"I'm sorry," Jungsoo mumbled again as he continued to cry.

Youngwoon continued to calm him down. He pulled away, leading him to one of the hammocks that he spotted in the backyard. He made Jungsoo sit down first, giving him enough space when the younger took his spot next.

"I knew you were the mascot," Youngwoon started off. Jungsoo turned to him and smiled weakly, "I was trying to conceal it, but it probably got a bit obvious whenever I would say that I'm busy and the gifts I would give you."

Youngwoon chuckled, replaying the memory in his head, "I love your gifts. I kept them, well even if the flowers withered."

Jungsoo looked at him grinning, "I'm glad you did."

Then they started to exchange greetings, asking how the two of them have been apart. Jungsoo would share about his dilemmas in his older sister's boutique (Youngwoon knew Jungsoo had it in him — to reach his goals and fulfill his ambition of helping his sister). On the other hand, Youngwoon told him about his adventures in his work and how he took the psychologist boards.

The older would occasionally hold his hand, remove strands of hair that covers Youngwoon's (huge) forehead, and caress his hair. Youngwoon enjoyed it, and when he felt that Jungsoo was trying to be familiar with him again, he placed his head on the older's shoulder.

"We could've done this 3 years ago," Youngwoon mumbled as he held Jungsoo's hand, "we wasted so much time and probably if I didn't mope around, I might either have found someone else or wait in front of your house."

Jungsoo giggled, "Really? You know my house?"

Youngwoon looked at him, his eyes bright and full of devotion to the older, "That's how far I would go for you, hyung. I would learn about where your house is in secret, surprise you there, tell you how much you mean to me. You didn't know how you really broke my heart.

"But it's done. I got back to you; I got to prove my suspicions after 3 years, well 4 if you count the time you indirectly broke up with me," he said, earning a soft chuckle from the older.

Youngwoon cupped the older's face in his huge hands. He watched as Jungsoo's eyes softened and glistened. He watched how Jungsoo's face would light up — smile, if he had to be precise — and show that dimple smile that would kill for. He inched closer, leaning towards Jungsoo's face, about to slot his lips onto the older —

"HYUNG! NOT IN MY BACKYARD!" Kibum shouted from the sliding doors, their close friends watching the scene unfold.

Youngwoon pulled away rather forcefully, Jungsoo rubbing his jaw in the process. Their friends laughed and went out, asking them various questions about what happened.

"Still a bit too early to tell," Youngwoon said as he found Jungsoo's hand on his lap, "but I think we'll work it out."

"Finally! I can't believe bringing you here would only snap you out of your misery, Kangin!" Heechul reprimanded, rolling his eyes. Youngwoon covered his face, still holding onto Jungsoo's hand, "HYUNG! I told you not to call me that!"

"Kangin? I think it's an amazing name," Jungsoo consoled, removing Youngwoon's hands from his face.

"I'll tell you more about it when we go home," Youngwoon whispered, then left a kiss on the older's cheek.

The others teased and continued to taunt them, but congratulated them again and pulled them back inside the house. While the night is still young, Youngwoon decided to make the best out of it. He got the chance to have fun and to finally be with the one he loves, again.

Youngwoon is still scared, unsure of what the future holds, but as long as Jungsoo is with him, he'll be okay.

At least he got to really confirm that Jungsoo, the love of his life, is the one behind those mascots.

Author's Note: This oneshot fic marks my comeback as a frustrated writer! While I'm still working out on my vocabulary, I hope that you guys will enjoy this rewritten version of Gotta Find You! (click here for the song)

If you want to view the epilogue, click here for the full fic.

(cross-posted in LiveJournal, un-beta-ed)