‘Nayoung, no. Pull yourself together and be a strong woman’ I said to myself, even though I knew, I wouldn’t be able to do so. I began to feel prickling in my eyes, and my vision got blurred. Therefore, I drove to the side, and stopped the car. Tears began to run down my face. There were so many, I couldn’t brush them away.

I felt like a piece of me had been taken away. I felt alone, so empty. It was so cold inside. The only thing I wanted right now was to have Hyoyeon by my side. Didn’t she know me enough to know, how much I loved her?

‘Doesn’t she love me enough to know, that I love her? Doesn’t she want me to love her?’

I felt like, if someone had stabbed me with a knife, pried open my chest, took my heart out and beat it up, before cutting it in half and placing it back into my chest. I clutched my chest tightly in pain, and leaned back into my seat. A sharp pain cut though my head, followed by a throbbing headache.

I began to sing a song for myself.

“When will things be okay?

When will the sun rise again?

Are all farewells this painful to death?

I’m choked up and I can’t even breathe.

Time goes on but it’s no use.

Please heal my heart, so I can smile a little.

This headache won’t get better.

I pull my pillow into my arms.

The thorns keep piercing my heart.

I scream in my unlit room.

This severe cold won’t get better.

I swallow two, three pills without water.

A dirty morning, a severe cold.

Why am I coughing again?

Though I’m sick to death, I only think of you.

I guess you really are my medicine.

I guess the story is already over.

I am, I am crying.

My cold won’t get better.

I need my painkiller.

Help me take my pain away.

I always thought you were a harmful person to me.

My mistake.

I can’t live without you.

I can’t even take care of my own body.

What do I do?

At this rate, this will kill me.

I remembered something. Leaning over to the other side of the car, opening the car cabin and grabbed a small bottle; Paracetamol, pain reliever. I shook it, but was disappointed to only hear a few inside. Opening the lid, I shook the content of the bottle into my hand. Only three ing pills.

I swallowed them without water.

*****

“Agasshi. Haven’t you had enough to drink?” A small, black-haired waitress with big, round eyes asked me. I looked at her with my tired, red eyes, my thoughts spinning around in my head.

“Yu donno how much *hiccup* pain and twouble I’m going thru. I weally ne-*hiccup*-need another round soju, pweease.“ I begged the waitress with a slurred speech, folded hands and tried to make a cute, convincing face. I heard a loud sigh from her, and I knew, I had won.

“Okay, I’ll go get you another round.” She smiled sadly at me, before turning around and walking away from the table.

I whispered a “thank you” after her, but she didn’t hear it. A sudden, cold, refreshing wind came, and I closed my eyes, enjoying the cold feeling in my face. When she came back with a bottle, she opened it for me, and placed it on the table.

“Excuseu me, but can I ask yu someding?” I asked her, trying my best to make my slurred speech as understandable as possible.

“Yes…” She answered slowly, looking a bit weirded out. “What is it?”

“I’m just wondeuring ifyu wud be able to go home, if I wasn’t here rwight now. Likeu, I’m dee onli guest, and a-just feel bad fo lettin’ yu work dis late at night.” I took the bottle in my hand, and drowned down half of the sweet liquid, awaiting her answer. I was relieved to see a smile form on her face.

“Yes, you are my last customer, but don’t worry, it’s really okay.” She answered and smiled at me. “Wait a second… You are Kim Nayoung, right? Omg, how could I not recognize you?” she sat down beside me.

“Haha, yeesh. I am Kim Nayoooung.” I answered the girl, feeling proud of being recognized. I chatted with the girl for some time, before saying goodbye and walking out.

Walking in the light of a street in Seoul, I closed my eyes again, and let the cold wind blow my hair away from my face and refresh my cloudy mind. I looked into the ground as I walked, and didn’t notice the person in front of me.

“Donk!”

“Oh, I’m so sor-… Nayoung?”