DISCLAIMER:

I AM NOT A CRITIC, I AM JUST A NORMAL READER WHO WILL HELP YOU WITH HOW A READER LIKES YOUR STORY

Written by: HelloKelly

First, let me say, I was skeptical about this story. When I heard arranged marriage with Zelo, I was expecting 15 years old getting married for some random age at 15, but you shattered all that and made it into a good story.

I really liked the story line, and though some people might not guess the twists, I did, but I won’t say them, since I don’t want to spoil it for people who do or will read it after this review. The Intro was really well done and it was nice that it was placed in the Summary as well as in the future chapter, it helped set the tone, and gave it a new context when reading it with the actual story.

I will say though, some things, because you are keeping this so secretive, can get confusing. For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out Zelo’s age in this, or the girl’s age, until later when you state it. Even still, when you state Zelo, you state several different ages in the same paragraph, that it would be help if his age was defined a little better at an earlier point.

The flow of the story, for the most part, is pretty good and I can’t really as that needs editing. However, (*Spoiler*) the pregnancy details need to be looked into a little more. Though there is nothing terribly wrong with the details you have currently, it seemed a little far fetched that the baby isn’t dead yet, if she doesn’t eat and can’t keep anything done. Also, eating isn’t the only thing that causes a pregnant woman to throw up. There are a lot of extra pregnancy details you can add to her character. There are mood swings, high basal body temperature, swollen s, and several other things. Also, always look at charts on how the baby grows in the stomach, most women won’t show a bump till later in their pregnancy. Overall, it’s not bad, but it’s always good to be as knowledgeable as you can be when it comes to things like this.

Lastly, I like to point out, that most of your grammar is correct. There are a few things to be careful of. Be very careful of your verbs, since that’s where you seem to have a problem. One being you aren’t using the right form of the verb like “She look at me,… She point her finger at me…. Etc.” When working with a single third person subject to make it present tense it has to have an ‘s’ at the end as in “She looks… She points.” If you are doing past tense it’s “She looked… She points.” You can do “She was looking… was pointing.” And for future tense, “She will be looking.” So be careful that the verb and subject match up. Also, with the verb make sure you keep the whole story in the same tense. You change your tense from time to time, but if you decide to write in past tense, continue to write in past tense. If it is in present tense, write in only present tense. It’s really difficult to do this, which is why writers have to be very careful and it is a very often mistake. Anyways, be careful in the future. As for other grammar problems, this was mostly all I saw, you grammar is pretty good.

Anyways, keep up the great work. The storyline is awesome. If people like a older Zelo, this is a good story and you can tell a lot of misunderstandings are going to happen. It seems so melodramatic and I like it. 

So here it is~

B.A.P + Zelo + OC Angst 

Unwanted Marriage

by 

Babylovestoto