DISCLAIMER:

I AM NOT A CRITIC, I AM JUST A NORMAL READER WHO WILL HELP YOU WITH HOW A READER LIKES YOUR STORY

Written by: HelloKelly 

Poster: None.

Let me start off by saying for a first fanfic, this is pretty good and I wish I could read more and see your growth, because from the first few chapters to the ones in the double digits, I was already beginning to see improvement. That being said, from what I read, there can be a lot done to improve the story, just a little bit to make it a better story.

Now that this is said, I would like to remind you that this is a good story and for someone who isn’t a native English speaker, your grammar is really good. However, some of your sentences, as grammatically correct as they are, are a tad confusing in the sentence structure. However, though there is nothing wrong with it, it can cause a reader to have to reread the sentence to fully understand it. For example ‘…You went to the kitchen where you saw you(r) brother made breakfast.’ (This is a quote from your story chapter 1) Again there is nothing wrong with it, but if you wrote ‘had made breakfast’ or ‘was making breakfast’ it would be slightly smoother. I will say though, this did improve much in the next few chapters. Also please be careful with the word ‘Though.’ You tried using it a few times but wrote ‘Thought’ which is a completely different word.

Another thing, that I believe hinder your story, the most, was the fact that you ‘broke fourth wall.’ What I mean by this is you would stop your flow of writing to add input for your readers. For example, ‘Is that what you call it? Lol don’t ask me English isn’t my first or second language’ (This is a quote from your chapter 4). If you have questions like this, ask a friend or save it for the end or beginning of the chapter as an author’s note. People will understand and it won’t break the flow of the story.
Also, using pictures is fine if you don’t know how to explain something, but you really should try to explain it. And I know you can do it, because you are a good writer, and you have the ability to become a really good writer in English. But if you do need to use a picture, instead of placing the whole website address, if you highlight the word ‘bridge’ then click on the link button, put the link in, the word will actually be linked to the image and you won’t have the clunky website address effecting your story.

Now continuing on, I will say, you have some very interesting ideas. Your plotline has the ability to become very cliché very quickly, but you manage to avoid the full on cliché but adding extra elements. For example, every story needs an orphan. However, you add the fact that she has a brother who becomes a guardian figure and still have the parental and family tie that most orphan stories do not have. Her brother takes on the role of a parent in some ways and it keeps it from seeming like she impossibly does everything on her own. Not only that, but you explained where they get their money source, which is a great thing to add, because some writers don’t add this, and the orphan with no job magically has every high tech object on the face of the planet. You avoid this by adding this fact and you thought it out very well.

Now I will say there are amazing points in this plotline and others aren’t as good. Overall, the story has a good flow, but some things seem to get jumbled together; some things seem a little out of context, but overall it is well done. Be very careful with your characters because you seem to give them conflicting character traits or at least that’s how it comes out. You need to state early on how things are and don’t diverge from them until the right point in the story, if it happens to early the character will lose their motive in the story and overall avoid the real antagonist they are trying to over come.

I really love how you stated the main character’s conflicting problem, which she must over come. You do a really good job showing this off, and you were able to explain why she is like the way she is. Some people hide it until later in the story, which is completely fine, while other writers might not even mention it and this becomes a problem. You don’t have to worry about this because you were able to give an explanation to the character’s present personality. Now that being said, you need to make sure you are realistic, and from what I have read so far, you have been for the most part.

Next thing I would like to note is this is a ‘you’ story. I will start off by saying, I am not a big fan of ‘You’ stories because 2nd person can be so hard to write in, and if you don’t understand how to write it properly it can become a big problem. And I did notice you got caught in the problem most people who try to write ‘you’ stories get stuck in. While writing your story, you had to, in a sense, change point of views and called the person you had been calling ‘you’ ‘she’. That means, you changed from 2nd person to 3rd person and when writing a story, you can’t change from whatever point of view you decided to write in (that doesn’t mean you can’t change from different character point of views but you have to stay in writing point of view (1st, 2nd, or 3rd person) you began with). I will say though, I only saw this happen once, which is great! That means you will improve since it seems you might have seen this problem, or have no need of a 3rd person p.o.v. again.

So let me finish off by saying, you are doing a good job. You have plenty of area to improve in, but every good writer will always have room to improve and every good writer will accept that they have room to improve so that they can do this. And as I said, from the first chapter to the last chapter I was able to read (I think it was 12), I was already seeing that improvement. Your plotline seems good so far and I’m glad to see that, though you are using cliché story ideas, you are able to avoid making the story cliché, which means you are thinking things through and you are developing your character, which is extremely important.

Lastly, I would like to say, be very careful with your P.O.V.’s and also be careful with grammar. Though your mistakes are small and they are easy to figure out what the right word or structure is supposed to be, you have to be careful and double check (but least be honest how many of us really like to double check). If you ever feel unsure or maybe you want someone to check it for you, a coauthor or a beta reader are always a great idea to have, especially if English isn’t your native language. Also, friends are always great to have to read your story before you post it, that little bit can always make a difference. Anyways, good job and I think this has the potential to be an amazing story, and honestly I’m interested in reading more to see what may happen next.

So here it is~

If you love Infinite

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