DISCLAIMER:

I AM NOT A CRITIC, I AM JUST A NORMAL READER WHO WILL HELP YOU WITH HOW A READER LIKES YOUR STORY

Written by LimaLemon

Poster: Yes.

It's cute and appropriate as the concept of your story is supposedly confusing. Ahh, all those ships, Banglo, DaeJae and HimUp!

Description and Foreword:

Attention grabbing? Defiinitely!

But there is also the fact that most of the people have watched "Secret Garden" and your story is based on the same concept. Body Switching is almost a cliched plot. There is also some grammatical and misused words. For example: BANG YONG GUK woke up from his heavy sleeps and groaned in pain when he suddenly felt cramps in his entire body. As his mind wandered in thoughts, he decided to check his clock beside him – which doesn’t seem to be his. When he takes a good look around his room, his eyes slowly opened wide when he realized it was not his room either. As he quickly aroused from his bed and looked at the mirror beside him, his heart skipped a beat and his mind blown away by the reflection in front of him – that’s not him.

Who was it? How the hell did he manage to get in there? Why? What the hell is happening?

 

I can correct it as: BANG YONG GUK woke up from his heavy sleep. He groaned in pain as he sat up. As if his entire body had cramps.  As his mind wandered, he decided to check his clock beside him – but that doesn’t seem to be his. As he slowly opens his eyes and took a look around his room, he realized that it wasn't his room either! That made him jump off the bed, but he stopped as his eyes fell on the mirror beside the bed. His heart skipped a beat and his mind was blown away.

You ask why?

Becasue the reflection that stared back at him wasn't his...

Who was it? Why is he looking at a stranger?

 

What the hell was happening?

 

Now does that sound better? More interesting and organized?

 

Story: You have wrote well but the sentences are not organized. It's the  fact that the sentence structure is long and dragging. I don't think english is your first language. If it is then you should know that longer lines are easier to loose interest and feels draggy. I would highly recommand reading your chapter out loud before you submit it because when you hear the lines out loud your ears will pick up the inconstancy in your sentences. For example: I will beta read the first half of your chapter one.

 

 

****RING****

An alarm clock suddenly burst out in the morning, causing the sleepyhead to wake up. The guy reacherd out for the clock beside him and slammed it off. He was definitely grumpy. As the room became quiet again, he sat up grogily and yawned as he eyed his room entirely.

“Urgh….Monday….what a ‘great’ day to start a school….again….” He said sarcastically and slowly went to his bathroom, not forgetting to reach the towel that was lying on the chair beside his desk.

Bang Yong Guk – a guy who was known as a badass student in his school for his bad attire. He really hates school. That’s why he always sleeps during classes, skips classes frequently, and quite lazy in passing up his homework. But ironically, the teachers can’t complain much about it because out of all the students in class (or perhaps the school itself) Yongguk always gets the top scores.

People always wondered if he was cheating during the exams and he was even sent to meet the Vice President frequently for it....and because of his bad attitude. He still managed to stay in the school for quite long time instead of getting kicked out.

The school was known for elite students who graduates successfully with full scholarship. To many parents out there, to have their sons and daughters studying in this school, was really an honor. However, in Yongguk’s case, it wasn't so.

He was forced to enter this school. His real dream is to become a famous rapper and entering an art high school was all he ever wanted. But his parents were against his dream, he had to come down to this heart broken reality. 

Now, his life is nothing but a lie – there will be nothing that can satisfy or entertain him more rather than music that he adore so much. How sad is that his parents can’t even understand their child's wish!

Like usual, he would walked to school, instead of asking his parents to drop him off, even though they hired a driver to drive him to school. But as always, he preferred to walk.

As he reached to the school gate, he saw two prefects stood inside the closing gate; looking at him with amazement.

“Wow, you seem to come quite ‘early’ again today aren’t you?”

Yongguk rolled his eyes at the sarcasm and sighed, “Just open the gate, Youngjae.”

“We really thought you would skip school again today, Yongguk-hyung. It’s quite amusing to see you come even though it’s almost an hour passed of 1st period,” another guy named Daehyun on his tag name smiled at him.

“For goodness sake, just let me in you bastards! Don’t make me lose my patient, you hear me? I warned you…” Yongguk glared at the prefects even though they’re actually his juniors.

Youngjae rolled his eyes and sighed, “Fine.” He pulled the gates opened, letting the irritated man inside. Yongguk walked away, not bothering to thank them for letting him pass and continued his way to his class. Youngjae and Daehyun looked from the back and shook their heads.