DISCLAIMER:

I AM NOT A CRITIC, I AM JUST A NORMAL READER WHO WILL HELP YOU WITH HOW A READER LIKES YOUR STORY

         Picture:

Ohhh! Hey look... there's the fishieeee! Um... Hi! *waves back* ;)

         Description & Foreword:

The very first line in your description confused me. "Set in late 2010/early 2011". What does that supposed to mean? Is it set in that time so that those years have a significant in the story? Or you wrote that in those years? Will it affect the storyline? All these questions comes into my mind when I read that. And for a reader who is reading to pass her time or too lazy to do anything but read, this kind of line would turn them off from reading more into the story. And the truth is, most of us readers falls into that catagory. 

The description is not that grabbing either. I am sorry to say but after you read it you already know it's one of those "Everything-changed-when-I-met-him/her". Even though I am not the best in grammar and spelling, you should rewrite the description, because the punctuation is all over the place. 

What you wrote in your foreword is very unprofessional. I understand if you say it's just for fun. But intentionally using lines like "I is the rookie plz take care of me" which is grammatically incorrect and shows a careless side of the writter is really bad if you want your story to go anywhere. 
 

         Story:

 I understand this is your (probably) first fanfic. But you use too much action with your *'s. You should lay off of it and try to spell out what was happening. For example: In first chapter, the very first line you wrote is "*ring*ring*", instead you could have start with "My cellphone suddenly rings". Your story has a lot of dialouges. It's not really a bad thing but not that good either. To form a coherent storyline you need dialouges AND details-description. You need to tell the readers how the character feeling, what is s/he seeing, why s/he is doing what they are doing. Your story is kind of void of all those senses. This causes the readers to get bored of your story really fast, because this is tiring to read. And as far as the storyline goes, it's not that bad, but you could do better. 

The story has 16 chapters so far and the chapters are medium lenght. There is a lot of spaces and lines are in dialouge format so it is easy to finish the chapters. I have to thank the author for writing in normal 12 Times New Roman font with Black color, cause that is so much better than using something like a comic sans and sky blue ink.

I am sorry if I  sounded really cruel and harsh, but I just wrote what i was thinking as a reader when I read your story. I hope you understand.

And to the other readers. I would recommand you to read this story, because as a reader it's our responsibility to encourage new writters by reading their stories and commenting to make them better. 

So here it is-

IF YOU ARE A SUJU FAN

IF YOU LOVE DONG HAE THE FISHIE :D x YOU STORIES

YOU SHOULD CHECK OUT

...Hi

by

imagine-exoqk