DISCLAIMER:

I AM NOT A CRITIC, I AM JUST A NORMAL READER WHO WILL HELP YOU WITH HOW A READER LIKES YOUR STORY

 

Written By LimaLemon

 

 

 

Title: Before I can say anything about your story, the first thing that grabbed my attention was your title. And unfortunately it wasn't a positive attention grabber. Okay on to my little grammar lesson: The and many doesn't go together! The means specifically one thing. Which is just one as a thing or individual or team and so forth. But puting the before 'many' doesn't make sense. While the means singular object, many is plural. So they clash and  it is grammatically incorrect. 

 

TL;DR : Don't put The in front of Many. The title should simply be 'Many Faces of Love' :)

 

Poster: I can see it's a love triangle from the poster and it also looks really fluffly. Let's see how it turns out!

 

Description and Foreword: First thing that comes to my mind after reading the description is "Complicated" and the second thing that I want to do is stop reading. I know it's harsh word, but that is the truth. Most people read fanfic for fun. And very few of the readers has the time and the mentality to go through such a complicated description to even give the story a chance. Description should be kept simple and semi-informative. Just enough to create attention towards the story it self. And among the trailers the first one was more appropriate. So it would have been for the best if you just kept that first one and the very first description paragraph about the rubrix of love. That much was alluring enough to make me read a little more inside to see how things turn out.

Was it really necessary to color code your lines? I understand that you have done that to put emphasize on certain words but that just made it look a little more childish. You should have enough faith to your readers to understand who you are talking about. If not then consider re-arranging your lines to be easier to understand. And as for the Tiny Reminder part, it was absolutely un-necessary! As the story continues readers will automatically understand super juniors roles in this fic. 

As for the Foreword, you should've stopped at "Which one of these have you experienced?" Because everything after that is just a repetation. And repetation is very tidious. 

 

So to sum it all up: Keep the first video and the paragraph for Description and delete everything else and Delete everything after "Which....experienced?" in foreword. 

 

On a side note, I couldn't help but notice how many places you have sent your story for a review. Whereas 3-5 suffices, you have sent it to 26-27 

places. Is it because you wanted to spread your story or is it because you didn't feel confident about what they had to say. But I am feeling rather low-esteemed as I don't think i can give  you any new thing after all the others have to say!

 

 

Story: Confusing. Overly Dramatic. Mispresented. All these adjective comes to my mind as I read the first chapter. I will say that you write well, but I have to say that you exggagurate a whole lot. The first chapter is from the memory of a five years old. Given that you want to show off your well mystified writing style, but still there are some points that a five years old wouldn't understand. When writing from a certain age, please follow the mentality. 

To a child, mother is the most familier thing. But still for the sake of the story you described her scream as "A woman's". The child had to recognized her voice from anywhere. "It was undisturbed, as if no one had been sleeping in it. I stared at the bed, trying hard to remember where I was before I woke up." This quote just doesn't make sense. As of this far of the story we don't know that the narrator is a 5 year old girl (despite being a dream sequence), and if it was her room, she had to recognize it and the would not question why her bed was made! "It was a close shave." As you can see it would be 'save'.

"A little girl in a long pink nightdress stared back at me. She looked around 5 years old, and had black-brown eyes just like mine. Her long, disheveled black hair hung around her. Her pale face wore a look of fear and confusion. I lifted my arms, and she lifted hers. I touched my face, and she touched hers." Again at the sake of describing the character, this paragraph is rather fit, but the girl looking at the mirror to see herself disheveled doesn't need as much melodrama! You could've put "A little girl in a long pink nightdress stared back at me. She looked around 5 years old, and had black-brown eyes just like mine. Her long, disheveled black hair hung around her. Her pale face wore a look of fear and confusion. She was a familier stranger. She was me." see still dramatic, but less exggaretion.

 

I know that you might feel like I am just being harsh and rude but I really like your writing. It was good. Mysterious and horror are two things that gives up easily. Many MANYYY people fails to keep up with the mystery buildup. But you did really well writing those. It's just sometimes you seem like tend to get so much into it that you don't realized that you are crossing the line.

I hope that as you write more you would pay attention to how much you are letting out.

As you know, too much of nothing is good.

I hope I was helpful, and don't hate me because I was Harsh.

 

 

 

 

So here it is~

A Mysterious Lovely Love Triangle

Featuring Super Junior

Please Check it out

 

The Many Faces Of Love

by

Elf_verl