DISCLAIMER:

I AM NOT A CRITIC, I AM JUST A NORMAL READER WHO WILL HELP YOU WITH HOW A READER LIKES YOUR STORY

Written by LimaLemon

 

Poster: Yes. A good one at that, doesn't say much about the content but looks good!

 

Before I piece by piece at your story let me tell you some overall comments that I was dying to tell you.

Did I liked the story? hell yeah! 

This was one of the few stories that I thought I didn't have to force to read myself more of. It was funny, witty, pretty close to life, organized and well told.

As for some one who claims that English isn't their first language, you have one heck of a vocubulary!! 

From starting at November to Now you have only written 7 chapters and You haven't updated since Febuary 7th. I think that is kind of a big gap. I know life tends to come on your way but still make time to update a little, at least twice a month.

 

Okay so now I will go on with my usual comments.

One thing off that I notices through out the story was your lack of punctuation. For example there should be a coma - "grew up in, was the last..."

"And here I thought....' insert here.

Not another thing I thought, it should be. "And I still thought..."

Take out the But. Just stay with Hell. NO.

"suffer from endless insulth that he threw at me."

"Now all i can do is pray. Pray to get out of this hell alive."

On to your story, I laughed. A lot! The description you gave of her room hit home to me. My room is just what you have described as hers.  Again lack of puncuation. The story would have a whole lot potential, if only you had corrected the punctuation and some of the sentence stracture. 

The last line from chapter two. I think you should change something. Earlier aboved you mentioned that she has a temper and that it would create a storm. A  person with that kind of temper just doesn't "whisper" a threat to you. A mom like that would spit it as your face and slam the door when she leaves. 

Everything was fine so far. Till chapter four, this story was a humorous, witty and funny story. But just as you introduced Luhan, you turned it into a sappy, chickflick like, nostalgic story. Was that really necessary? I don't think you realized it but with Luhan's sappy puppy love actaully made the story turn a 180 degrees. I know the flashback was necessary but just not there! It was still Rin's POV and her witty personality just doesn't match a flashback. You could've moved it to Luhan's POV that would have suited better.

Yeah that's probably it. Again, I would really encourage you to keep writing. It was a good read. 

And as for the future, just try to keep up with the mood you are trying to create. Even if you switch your pov, make sure two doesn't class in mood. If it becomes like that, then break is up to two chapters. That's better than seeing a happy character followed by a sappy one. 

 

So here it is~

If you are looking for another well-written Luhan/EXO story

If you like badass witty main OC

Please check out:

DEVIL ON LOOSE

by 

Kumabearr