DISCLAIMER:

I AM NOT A CRITIC, I AM JUST A NORMAL READER WHO WILL HELP YOU WITH HOW A READER LIKES YOUR STORY

Written By HelloKelly

Poster: No!

‘I Hate You, Right?’ by animednila Review

Let me start by saying, this story needs help. I don’t mean to sound rude, because I want to see you succeed. Now that that is said I hope I can give you some tips in writing your story.

It’s great that you have a concept. You have the idea in your head and it’s written down. So that’s great. The idea of the story is pretty good, and you seem to have an idea for the big picture of the story. Now that being said, you really need some kind of structure with your story. I know this can be hard and it may be extra work, but trust me, it’s worth it.
Since you have a concept of the story, you don’t have to worry much about the big picture, now you need to work on the smaller details. Before actually writing, figure out the flow of your story and pick out big events that the story needs. In your case, you have meeting the EXO members, you have her debut, but you still need more.
There’s also no set pace for the story. It’s very sporadic and jumpy. It doesn’t have a clear focus and the pace is much too rushed. You need to build up the characters and relationships between them. You also don’t leave any room for an emotional build up for your readers. It’s just too fast paced. You really should slow it down and add more details to things.
As of right now, you have given everything away. And though, it can relieve tension with the readers, if you give away too much, the story becomes boring and predictable.

Now what you can do is change the pace. You need to slow it down so people can understand the character. Instead of focusing in on the main points, focus a little bit more on getting to the main point. For example, instead of jumping to the debut, you could have focused a bit more on her preparation. You could have had her ask her brother why ‘he’ (Ren) was there. Also, instead of forming the flashback of their relationship the way you did. You could have had her complaining and frustrated that she had seen him, and have her friend inquire why she was like that and that’s when she could have explained.

Also, please pay very close attention to your grammar; it’s all over the place. You’ve changed Point of Views (from 1st, 2nd, and 3rd person). The sentence structure is crazy. You are changing tenses and sometimes not using the right verb form of the noun. That being said, you need to check your work. If you need help ask a coauthor or a beta reader. There are plenty hear and most of them are very nice and just want to help you grow.

Now I don’t want it to seem that everything done everything terrible. (1st of all nothing is terrible it just needs improvement). There are some good things I want to point out as well. First of all, that oneshot you wrote randomly was really well written, if you wrote the whole story like that, it already would have improved so much. The grammar in that piece was much better, and I don’t remember if I found any or many grammar mistakes. Now continuing on, your poem was really well done. It was beautiful and it flowed well. I also though it was a really great and personal touch to the story. Most people just find an already used song from their favorite artist but this was really something else and something original. I greatly enjoyed.

What I also like about your story is the small little jokes that you added. I like the small almost crack like comments the characters make or point out. It has a slight trollish flair, which is always fun to read and great for a laugh. I think you’re good at that and should add some more to the story.

Now the last thing I would like to add is the organization of the story. There really isn’t any. The story is often broken apart by comment and pictures and though your added oneshot was good, it had nothing to do with the story and thus took away from the true storyline. Also, that added chapters that have nothing to do with the story are unnecessary. Along with the pictures that take up more space than the actually chapter. It’s ok to have some pictures, but 20 different pictures for each chapter is a little much when the chapter is only 3 sentences long (I’m exaggerating). But if you get rid of some of the extra bulk that is not needed in the story it’ll be less broken up.

Anyways, I can tell this story has potential and you as a writer have potential. I think the main thing, is getting the story focused. You need to format it a bit more and plan out how you want your events to unfold and then instead of jumping right to it, give it some time to build up and add detail. By reading that oneshot, I know you can do it because the oneshot is really well done. Not only that, but the poem was good too. You have a lot of potential and I hope that in future chapters it will be seen.

So here it is~

Our first Nu'est Story

I Hate You, Right?

by 

Animednila