DISCLAIMER:

I AM NOT A CRITIC, I AM JUST A NORMAL READER WHO WILL HELP YOU WITH HOW A READER LIKES YOUR STORY

Written by LimaLemon

Poster: Yes, but in wrong place. Poster should be the first thing you can see in a story. This is what grabs people's attention first. If people likes the cover they tend to go on reading more of the story.

Descripton and Foreword: Your description confused me a lot. I had to read it a couple of times to understand what you are trying to say. And even after reading it four time I still think you miscounted people. You mentioned "4 people" in your description but I counted three of them. 1. sarang/death angel. 2. the guy who saved her and has a love history with her. and 3. the detective. As you can see there is only 3 person not 4. Then again you have introduced 5people on your foreword. Doesn't really match. 

Now on to format and stuff. I don't think you should've middlized the paragraph. Because that cut off Death Angel. Or if you want to keep it middlized then cut the first line at the period and let "Cold..." line go in to second line.  Actually let me do this:

 

Sarang is an Assassin 

She seduces, tortures and even kills her targets without blink of an eye.

Cold, heartless, icy; she is known as the Death Angel.

The one who is unlucky to become her target, will never escape.

Death angel doesn’t make mistakes.

That was until she comes across him. 

He ‘s the one who saved her; she owes her life to him.

A long time ago he made her heart beat.

Now that he found her again, he won't let her go.

 

But will she allow it?

 

At the same time, she is running from her doom.

A certain detective on her back, trying to catch her

When fate collides, what will happen to them?

 

But the question remains, Who is sarang?

 

Sarang might mean love,

But love doesn't exist in her world.

 

How does that sounds?

As I read your first chapter, I have to say your writting did surprise me. It was well written. Stories with an action genre  is hard to keep going because most of our knowledges comes from various movies and shows. We personally never seen or have engaged to any kind of activity that might have make us shoot gun, leave alone actually killing some one. I praise you for keeping it tight! But the part that bothered me was your random Bold-ing random lines. If it was something like one person's last or the most important thing they had to say, then it makes sense but just randomly one line that might or might not been more important than others can not be bold. For example:" I wish I could meet you again" was the only one that suited the paragraph. That line was the last thing from Hyun joong's pov and it was what he wants the most. Same like that  if you could do the same for others that would have been more organized and well done. The other thing is in the prolouge there were POV of all 4 people. You should have put some kind of indicatior such as *** or --- or anything that sort to give them an idea that this POV is ending. Because I keep thinking that the next para might be from the same as above but to just get more confused when it is not. 

Some random thing that caught my eyes:

there should be a coma after 25 in ch 2

TOO bad he is going to die soon - ch 2

Again that ^ line didn't need to be bold.

It's Damn it.. or if you were really trying to avoid cussing, then just dont put it.

Chapter 5, the last line was not needed about KHJ he had nothing to do with that chapter. So with all the other chapters, those hints are just ruining the flow.  And read over it once you will see some typos.

 

To be honest, I have enjoyed the story, ALOT! I actually finished all the chapters and kinda disappointed seeing there was no more chapters. I really hope you update soon. This story gives vibe of Nikita with City Hunter mixed with Action thriler. I liked it!

 

So here it is ~

I would highly recommand you to read this story

Ft. KHJ B.A.P and Joo Woon

 

 

Don't Come Too Close...

by

Yoochun1fan

 

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