DISCLAIMER:

I AM NOT A CRITIC, I AM JUST A NORMAL READER WHO WILL HELP YOU WITH HOW A READER LIKES YOUR STORY

Written by LimaLemon

 

 

 

 

Poster: None! 

Baby, what I am about to say you probably won't like.

I will start by saying this that you need to rebuilt your whole story.

Honestly, this doesn't even count as a story. This is just some lines you have threw in to make a plot.

This doesn't have  a starting point, no virtual explanation, no organization or logic.

Let's start by facing the first problem: 27 oppas. Was it really necessary to put all infinite, Teen top, B1a4 and Ze:a in there? how do you even explain that? if you felt like putting your bias groups together. You could have chosen the top two at most. But handling 27 is a bit too much don't you think?

2nd Problem: The cliches. So far you have included all the cliches known by a fanfic writer. You have put:

1. Parents dead

2. Orphanage

3. Getting Adopted

4. Superstar/ idol oppas

5. Filthy Rich

6. Gangsters

7. Enemy that turns out to be long lost frineds. 

3rd problem: The logic. The girl sees 27 people trying to adopt her who are barely adult and she agrees? The parent's would be out for few years? 

When a person meets someone new, they don't start acting all chummy with them. It takes time, trust and a lots of talk to be able to talk easily. 

 

Okay enough about pointing about whats wrong. Let me guide you to the right direction.

1. Start with a proper plot. Think about a plot, with a proper begining. For example: A introduction of the OC saying who she is and why she is in the orphanage. Tell the readers about the brothers background.

2. Keep 1 and at most 2 groups. One as the brothers and one as the old friends/gangsters. Don't put any more than that.

3. Take down your chapters and re-write it, so that there are paragraphs of details, dialouges and proper punctuation.

3. Put sensory items in there. Like: How they feel, what they can see, what they can hear, what are they thinking. 

4. Read other's Fanfic. If you read more then you would know what you are doing wrong. 

I know that everyone has their own writting style but there are some things we have to do to call it a fiction. 

I hope my harsh words didn't hurt you too much and that my suggestions would come helpful

 

So Here It is~

My 27 Gangster Oppas

by 

123Infinitefighting