DISCLAIMER:

I AM NOT A CRITIC, I AM JUST A NORMAL READER WHO WILL HELP YOU WITH HOW A READER LIKES YOUR STORY

Very first thing that made me go o.O was your title. I understand what you are trying to say but I don't think thats the correct grammer or a correct title. The You I Know... it just doesn't feel right. Keeping the same feeling you can make the title grammatically correct by changing it to "That You" or " You, That I knew" "That same you" or even by keeping the same  you can add a 'that' to it. "The You That I Know".

Your whole description is only a quote. Even though it is a neat way to grab  viewers attention, that all that is, an attention grabber. A reader who is looking for something worth their time won't get inspired to read your writing. They wouldn't wait and read the first couple of chapter to find out what would the storyline be. So Keeping the quote, write a little snippet elaborating the meaning of that quote and how it relates to your story.

I am NOT a grammar nazi, trust me I am not!! But reading your foreword I found some way to obvious error that can not be overlooked. By reading it, i can get that it was a guy talking about a girl who used to be something different. So as you can clearly see it is definitely a past matter. So in that quote "But I wish she could stop pretending." It would be a 'would' not could. "The EunHee I KNEW.." and that line should end with a period then start again from "She would.laugh hard when she's embarassed and she cries like a baby when she is sad." add that part otherwise it doesn't sound right.

Not to be mean, you are writing a story, not a playwright or script. So don't put cast. and pictures are okay, but their birthday was not  of any importance in this story. 

You have a habit of writing long lines without much punctuations. It's not good. When you have a line that could have been broken in to two or more, break them. It's faster to read, easier to understand and less chance of getting lost. For example: Chapter 1 para 2 you can write "There is a cockroach in the kitchen." She yelped. She started to jumping around as she saw a cockroach  from the corner of her eyes. It was just a misunderstanding, that was nothing more than her own hair." There that sounds better? It projects the same things you are trying to portray.

I would point the others as well but I can't copy paste so it would take a long time. 

Some Tip:

1. Read your chapters aloud. That would help you hear what sounds boring or long or just plain weird.

2. Read after you publish. When you are writing sometimes you don't see things untill it comes out.

3. Break your lines into smaller, more comprehensive pieces.

So here it is~

If you are a INSPITE

If you LOVEEE HOYAAAAA :D

Please Check out:

The You I Know

by 

Kickthetable