Day 17 : Is this goodbye?

"Ilhoon..." I softly whispered under my breath. "Hmm?" Ilhoon raised his head from his small cup of ice cream, the left over cream off his upper lip. I tried not to laugh; I wanted this situation to stay as serious as possible. I looked at him and smiled weakily, slowly leaning my head on his shoulder. "Ilhoon-ah~ ... I just wanna stuff you in my suitcase and bring you with me to America." Ilhoon chuckled, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. "I wish that was possible. But unfortunately, I'm too tall! And it would look weird if you started stuffing food into your suitcase." We both laughed. Being here with Ilhoon for the last few hours here in Seoul was really all I wanted. I didn't want to go anywhere fun or special; just here in this quiet and boring library. The place where I made my first friend and met the man that changed my life in good and bad ways; having me experience things I'd never thought I would have the chance to. I didn't want Ilhoon to be just a memory. I wanted to create more and more. Jung Ilhoon, I don't want to say goodbye.

"Why're you all emotional and quiet?" Ilhoon rubbed my shoulder lightly. "So ... when are you leaving?" I sighed and raised my head from his shoulder, rubbing my eyes tiredly. "...tonight." He looked at me, grabbing both of my shoulders after looking at his watch. "It's 5PM and you tell me this now?! Do you know what we could've done this whole time instead of sitting in the library, making me think we had all the time in the world? I could've taken you shopping for a whole new wardrobe when you got to America! We could've stuffed our faces with Korean food cause who knows if America can even make it as good as us!" Tears rimmed his eyes. I'd never seen Ilhoon cry. I didn't want to see him cry for the first time about this situation. It was just too much to take in. "I-I'm sorry... This is all I really wanted to do. To sit somewhere quiet, in your arms before they're gone." I held back my tears, though seeing that one tear stream down his face made me want to burst into tears.

My hand reached for his cheek, wiping the tear off his cheek. "Now's not the time to cry, pabo." I smiled widely as if everything was okay. "Ilhoon softly nudged me with his fisted hand. "Don't speak as if you're okay~ I know you're dying inside." Ilhoon pulled me in for a hug, running his hand in a circular motion on my back. "I wanna take you somewhere before you have to go." I knew this was gonna happen. The only thing I could do was say yes. "Sure." I smiled warmly and let him lead the way to where ever he wanted to take me.

"This is it." I blinked and started at the tall building. "Um... what is this?" "Are you kidding me?! You've never been here before?" I looked up at it until Ilhoon pulled me right into the automatic doors, my view of the building from bottom to top being covered by a clear ceiling. "Wooah.. Daebak..." I stared up at the giant, all glass ferris wheel that was beside the building. Ilhoon led me up the elevator that was in the center.

"Have you ever been on a ferris wheel?" I nodded. "Of course~" "Weeeeeeell, you know how you get on at the bottom?" I nodded, again. "This one's different. Instead, you get on at the top. That way, you get the view of Seoul first thing instead of having to wait so long!" Ilhoon chuckled and hugged me sideways; the most uncomfortable hug position.

We slowly made our way to the all glass ferris wheel. Luckily, the seats were metal. So, I was less cautious.

I turned my head and looked at all of Seoul that I knew for sure I was gonna miss. "Now I know why you brought me here." Ilhoon sat beside me. "Now that we're here alone ... Can you give me an answer?" I turned my head to face him and rolled my eyes. "Seriously? Way to put me on the spot!" We both laughed. I really didn't know at this point. It's not like I could accept him; we would have to go through a distant relationship and those never work ... I sighed and took Ilhoon's hand in mine for the first time; instead of him having to reach out and hold my hand. My eyes tip toed from his chin, lips, nose then finally up to his eyes.

"I can't love you, Ilhoon." I tried to keep the straightest face. Ilhoon slipped his hands away from mine and turned away from me. "Why?" I sighed and took a deep breath. "It's not that I don't love you. Just that ... I'm moving on the other side of the world tonight. Do you think it's the right time to start up a relationship? I don't think I could do it..." Ilhoon turned around and pulled me into his arms. "So, you love me?" I nodded slowly, burying my face into his shoulder. I could feel him smiling like a freak over my shoulder. "If I love you and you love me then ... we can make this work. We will make this distant relationship work. We can Skype each other every now and then and text each other every day. All we have to do is stay connected and committed. And knowing you, I'm sure you won't do anything to lose me. And neither will I." He pulled out of the hug and cupped my cheeks. "Whadduya say?" I smiled, overlapping his hands with mine. "I say ... yes."

Slowly, I watched his eyes close and his face inch closer to mine; his lips hovering over mine. Softly, he pressed his lips against mine. I can honestly say that I've never missed the feeling of someone's lips on mine before. I smiled nervously before pulling back and fixing my hair a bit.

-

By the time the ferris wheel made its full turn, it was already time for me to pack. Ilhoon walked home with me and also insisted on helping me pack. I packed everything except my bed, desk; basically everything that was too big to fit in a suitcase. My dad said everything would be replaced when I got to America. I took his word on that.

After packing all my stuff, my dad picked me and Ilhoon up from my "previous" house. "So, did you two make up?" I blushed and bit my lip, continuing to look out the window. "Ahh .. yee`, Ahjussi." Ilhoon smirked and took my hand in his. "How exactly are you guys going to make this work?" "Oh, we've got it covered. Don't worry, Ahjussi." My dad smiled through the rear-view mirrors.

Once we got to the airport, I felt like I was saying goodbye to Ilhoon forever; like I was never going to see him again. My dad boarded the plane an hour early because it got crowded later on while I stayed back with Ilhoon until the last minute. We sat there, hand in hand while staring at the clock, wishing time would just stop.

"Good luck in America, alright? You can handle it. You speak English pretty well. And DON'T even think about talking to American guys, arasso?!" I laughed and nodded in understanding. "Sheesh. I didn't know you were such a protective boyfriend. And, same goes for you." We both laughed and talked about the things we were going to miss doing together.

Once the last few minutes before departure came, we felt like we couldn't let go of each others' hands. Our hands were like super glued to each other; it would hurt to force our hands apart. Being the better person, Ilhoon finally let go, wrapping his arms around me for a big, warm hug. "I'm gonna miss you, Yun." I smiled and hugged him back. "I'm gonna miss you too, Ilhoon." "5 minutes til departure." "I guess this is it." I sighed and attempted to give him one last kiss before I would have to go. "I was your first kiss and I wish this kiss to be the last," Ilhoon whispered against my lips before I pulled back and grabbed my suitcase.

Walking away was the hardest part. I kept turning around to see Ilhoon continuously waving goodbye to my back. I turned in my passport and took one last glance of Ilhoon. I waved goodbye, blowing a kiss and watching his as he "caught" it. I laughed and decided to finally walk past the doors that would change my life, forever.  

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