Jaeun went home late that night. She feels like she is stabbed with a million knives directly towards her heart. It’s been a while since she talked to L like that. And there is just one thing she realized.

She still has those feelings for L. But those doesn’t mean she still loves him. She hates him to the bones and it is hard for her to love her again.

But those words. L’s words just went right through her.

Few hours ago…

“I don’t know what happened to you. But I know this is not the real you.” L said with sadness evident in his voice.

Jaeun looked at him with a questioning look. “What are you talking about? You made me like this.” She replied.

L looked at her with a sad and apologetic face. “I know. And I am blaming myself for it.” He said with a shaky voice. “Mianhe.” He added.

Jaeun looked at him and scoffed. “Stop it. You don’t have to be sorry.” She said. “I have forgotten everything about the past. I got over it.” She replied.

L smiled weakly. “Is that why you are like that now? Dating anyone you see? Kissing any random guy?” He asked. He shook his head. “I don’t think you have gotten over it really well, Jaeun. Stop hiding from all of those defense mechanisms.” He added.

Jaeun smirked. “Don’t act and talk like you know everything, Kim Myungsoo.” She said. “You don’t know the things I have gone through.” She added as she stood up.

She was about to leave but L held her wrist. “Think about my proposal, Kwon Jaeun. Think about it again.” L said almost pleading.

Jaeun yanked her wrist away and walked away without even looking back.

L looked at her from afar. “If you just agree. I will make it up to you.” He said sadly looking at Jaeun drive away.

Jaeun threw her body on her bed thinking about everything she and L talked about. She sighed hard and looked at the ceiling.

“Why do I feel like this now?!” She asked herself. “And why is he like this now?” She asked again. Right now, she is feeling confused about everything. She is unsure about anything.

“I don’t love him anymore. And I know he doesn’t love me anymore. But why is he like this?” She asked herself. “I hope he will be back to his cocky self again tomorrow.” She prayed.

Just then, her mom entered her room without even knocking. Jaeun knows it. Her mom is mad again. Jaeun shut her eyes before looking at her mom.

“KWON JAEUN!” Her mom yelled.

By the looks of it, Jaeun realized that her mom is mad more than how much she expected her to be.

Jaeun looked at her mom. “What?” She asked.

Her mom scoffed. “Don’t WHAT me now!” She exclaimed. “What time is it?” She asked.

Jaeun looked at the clock. “3 o’clock AM?” She replied unsure.

Her mom looked at her piercingly. “Exactly!” She replied. “Is that the time a lady like you should be going home?! Where have you been again? CLUB AGAIN?” She started ranting.

Jaeun just shut her eyes and breathed hard. She didn’t even bother answering her mom. She just put on the blanket and covered her whole body with it.

“YAH! KWON JAEUN! Don’t you assume that I don’t know what is going on with you and with any other guy out there! I know everything!” She exclaimed. “I know what you have been doing, Jaeun! Now tell me, what the hell is your problem!?!” She asked.

Jaeun removed the blanket covering her and looked at her mom. “You want to know what my problem is?!” She asked. “YOU!” She exclaimed.

Her mom gasped. “Me?” She asked.

Jaeun looked at her mom. “Yes, you! You and dad never even looked at me like a daughter. Since the start, I have always followed what you want me to do. I’ve been trying my best to impress you. But no, you don’t even know what my efforts are. You don’t even notice me efforts.” She said as tears fell.

“We never ignored your efforts.” Her mom said.

“But you never appreciated it either! Or at least, you never showed it!” She exclaimed.

Since Jaeun was young, she has never had her parents by her side. They are always at work. They go home late and leave early in the morning. There was no certain interaction between them.

Never did she complain about all the shortcomings of her parents on her. She endured all those. She kept all in.

L went into her life without them knowing. She has been really happy and elated that L was there for her. For the first time in her life, she has felt what being loved is all about. And yes, she loved it. She loved it a lot.

But then, when L left her, she felt like the world crashed down on her. No one was left. Her friends even left her when L broke up with her. This was the time that she felt she was alone. She had a hard time coping up with all the loneliness she felt. Thanks to her new found friend then, Minhee. She was at least coping up bit by bit. But she wasn’t the same Jaeun. Not the bright one.

All the things that happened in her past contributed to why she is like this right now.

Why doesn’t she believe in love? Because she had experienced excruciating pain before to the point that it seemed impossible for her to trust anyone.

Why doesn’t she have a lot of friends? Because her friends before just left her when everything else failed, when everything else was down for her.

Why is she like this to her parents? Because they made her feel like she isn’t a daughter at all. They hardly notice what she is doing, not to mention appreciating all her efforts.

Her mom looked at her full of hurt and sadness. “We are working for you. For your future.” She told Jaeun.

Jaeun scoffed. “Damn all those future stuffs! Why would you prepare for the future when you aren’t even looking at the present, Mom? Why? Why do you always think about the future?! I am here, mom! I am at the present time!” She exclaimed crying. “Why can’t you see that I have been so affected by your work?” She asked.

Her mom just looked at her. She has no words to say.

Jaeun looked at her. “Where were you when I needed you the most?” She asked. “At work! At work, Mom! At work!” She replied to her own question.

Her mom motioned to go near her. But Jaeun stopped her. “Don’t. Just sleep, Mom. You have work tomorrow.” She said as she laid again and pulled back the covers.

Her mom was teary as she looked at Jaeun again. *Mianhe, Jaeun.* She thought. She wanted to hug her daughter but she can’t. She doesn’t know how much she has hurt Jaeun. She is ashamed of herself. They are rich but her daughter lacked love. *I am such a bad mom. Mian, Jaeunnie.* She thought as she walked out of Jaeun’s room.

Jaeun cried all night long. She only slept when her eyes are painful and swollen. This is the first time that she expressed her feelings towards everything. And even though she cried it all out, she felt relieved that all of the unspoken feelings she had inside were all exposed now.

*I just hope for the best. But I must face my feelings first.*

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It's quite short. Mianhe. :(((