“Kwon Jaeun,” L called as he looked into Jaeun’s eyes. “Let’s break up.” He said as he held her hands. “And make this real.” He continued.

Jaeun froze on her spot. She looked at how pained L was that day. She looked at how he looks at her with sincere eyes. She looked at how he is begging her to stop this ridiculous thing.

But yeah, what was she going to reply?

Would she sacrifice her heart again?

Would she let him take over her being again?

Would she let herself get hurt again?

What would she do?

What should she do?

She doesn’t know. She has no idea. But right now, all she knew was she wanted to be with L. She is happy when she is with him. Her heart beats extraordinarily fast when she is with him.

Those feelings. All those feelings were just felt when she is with this guy. And she knows that she could not even deny this feeling to herself: She feels complete when L is around her, when L bickers with her, when L plays with her, when L holds her hand, when L kisses her, when L talks to her and even when L breathes beside her.

Yes, that was his impact.

But nah, she doesn’t know what to do.

*Make it real?* She thought as she looked into L’s eyes.

“Jaeun, please?” He begged. “I don’t want this feeling of jealousy when you are with someone else other than me. I don’t like it if you are laughing with some other guy other than me. I hate it if the reason of that smile on your face is because of someone other than me. I hate it if you text someone other than me. I hate it if you talk to someone other than me.” He ranted. “I hate this feeling, Kwon Jaeun.” He said looking straight into her eyes.

“I hate this feeling that I love you but I can’t show you because we are not exclusive.” He blurted, making Jaeun flinch. “Y-you love me?” She asked him stuttering.

L shut his eyes forcefully. “Isn’t it obvious? I love you I love you I love you.” He said as he repeated those words. Those words that made Jaeun feel all those butterflies again.

L stared into Jaeun, looking deep in her eyes. “I wouldn’t be this jealous about you and Gongchan, you and Kai, if I didn’t love you so much.” He added. “I love you, Jaeun. I have never stopped loving you. Not even a second.” He confessed, making Jaeun speechless.

L stared and examined Jaeun’s expression. He could clearly see that Jaeun is confused of what she is feeling right now. She is confused whether she would believe this or not. She was confused of her emotions.

Yes, L could see all those.

He could see that she is contemplating on what to answer to him. After all, he hurt her. And he knows that Jaeun wouldn’t give her heart easily to anyone now – now that she felt how painful it is to be heartbroken.

And there is no one to blame but L. There is no one to blame but himself.

If only he hadn’t broken her heart years back, she would still be his girl now.

If only he hadn’t left her before, she would still be holding onto him right now, exclusively.

If only he had that strength to fight back his mom’s agreement that time, she would still be kissing him now, she would still be happy with him now. They would’ve been so happy, perfect and complete right now.

But no, all of those were all products of “if only”.

L pities himself for being such a coward and not fighting for the person he loves before. He pities himself for being such a terrible person, hurting the girl he loves the most because he thought that was the best way. He pities himself for being desperate to have her back and just did everything to get her back to his side even though it was just non-exclusive.

And mostly, he pities himself for causing them to be stuck in this cruel situation. The situation where he loves her still but she doesn’t know what to feel.

And what makes him more pity himself is the thought that maybe, Jaeun doesn’t feel the same way for him as he did for her.

What if that happens?

He couldn’t take it. He knows he couldn’t take it. He loves her so much and that thought makes him just want to be buried six feet under the ground.

“Would you break up with me?” L asked her with a serious tone.

Jaeun looked at him contemplating on what to answer. But she knows that whatever her answer will be, she had to be sincere.

L stared at her waiting for her reply. He was hoping that Jaeun would accept him. He was hoping that Jaeun would agree to this and finally make this real again.

If that happens, he would never let her go.

Jaeun shut her eyes and looked down. She let go of L’s hands on hers. “I don’t know, Myungsoo.” She spat.

Right at that instant, L felt the world falling on his feet. L felt that he was buried six feet under. L felt like he died.

Jaeun looked at her. “I don’t know if I could entrust my heart to you again.” She added as she looked at L’s eyes now. “I don’t even know if you are telling me the truth.” She added making L clench his jaw in anger, not to Jaeun but to himself.

“I love you, Jaeun. Should I prove it to you?” He asked as he walked to her making her just step back. “Why, Jaeun? Have you forgotten about us?” He asked with his voice cracking.

Jaeun looked down and played with her fingers. “I don’t know. I don’t know what to feel.” She confessed. “I don’t know anything about us anymore. Everything has changed. Big time.” She continued. “Since you left me, I changed.” She added as she looked at L’s eyes, which are tearing up right now.

L scoffed and looked at the ceiling preventing his tears from falling. “I don’t think so.” He spat. “I don’t think you changed when I left you.” He said as he looked straight in her eyes. “The feeling is still there. I know you still love me. I know you still care about me.” He added making Jaeun look away. She doesn’t want to see him like this.

“Why would you even rush over here when I was sick if you didn’t care? Why would you even cook something to make me feel better even if you didn’t know how to cook if you didn’t care? Why would you let me barge in your house and kiss you deeply if you weren’t feeling something for me still?” L asked as he stared into her eyes.

“I know that you still feel something for me. I know that somehow I am still in your heart.” He said confidently. “And if you don’t trust yourself, then I am going to prove that to you.” He said with conviction.

Jaeun stared at L in shock. What was he saying? What does he know about what she is feeling?

He was the one who left for another girl. He wasn’t the one who suffered the pain of heartbreak back then. He doesn’t know how hurtful it is. He doesn’t have an idea how painful it is to love someone who pushes him away.

He doesn’t know it, because only Jaeun felt that before. Only Jaeun suffered before. But even so, Jaeun still has this funny feeling of the butterflies in her stomach when L is around, so maybe, she still felt something for him as well.

And yes, she hadn’t even heard L’s explanation about the past.

Was she going to hear it?

She looked at him. “Just give me some time off, Kim Myungsoo. I don’t know what to answer to you.” She said not even hearing one bit of L’s statements.

She was in doubt of what she is feeling. She was doubting not only L but herself as well – even more at that.

She got her things and turned to the door.

“Kwon Jaeun,” L called making Jaeun stop walking. “I will prove it. I promise you. This isn’t just attraction, this is love.” He said watching the girl he loves walk out of the door.