I should say I'm a pretty good actress, because in the past few weeks, I've been avoiding some distractions and focusing on practice and school.
But that doesn't mean it's okay with me, you know. Well it is, kind of. I eat lunch at school before I leave, bring some snacks at the practice room and eat dinner(my midnight dinner) at home. You could say it is an anti-social act, but being around them isn't the place where I'm supposed to me at, for the moment. I'm just a trainee for crying out loud, I don't deserve to hang around with Big Bang or 2NE1.
"Hello, are you listening to me?" What?
"Jiyonn~" I forgot I was talking to Ji Sung at classes.
"Yep?" I said. On the other hand, those things I told you earlier didn't help that much. Yes, my dancing and singing skills improved and I actually got high grades, but those had a price to pay; in fact, a huge price: my health. I'm practically overworking myself.
"What's wrong with you?" I heard Ji Sung's voice, worried. "Yesterday you weren't feeling well and took a quiz, went off to practice and now look at you, you're like a walking corpse, so pale and--"
"What's the matter, Miss Choi and Miss Lau?" The professor called our attention and immediately, 29 pairs of eyes were looking at us.
"Um, nothing, Sir." I apologized.
"Are you feeling better Miss Lau, you look somewhat sick?"
"Yes, I am, actually." I said, and pretended to write down some notes. Ji Sung apologized over lunch and gave me a little first aid kit.
"What's this for? It's not like I was run over by a bicycle or something. I'm just training." I said. "Anyway, thanks."
"I'm really worried about your health, you know." She replied. "Sooner or later, you might collapse because of this, but I'm not saying you stop training or drop out school, just, um, balance things."
"Of course I will." I assured her, sort of. As we were walking to the gate, we saw this neatly-parked car outside, it's windows tinted black.
"Whoa, nice car there," Ji Sung noted., staring at it.
"Tch, it's probably some show-off from school or someone else." I said. We parted ways and as I was on my way to the bus station, I took a little peek at the car, but thankfully, it was darkly tinted and I hoped nobody was in there.
"Are you just gonna stare at the car or what?" A voice asked. So there was a person in there? Oh no. I turned back and wished I hadn't peeked earlier.
"What...?" I asked, dumbfounded. "What are you doing here Ji Yong?"
"Am I not allowed to be here?" He laughed. "Come on, let's go."
Maybe it was my aching head, or maybe my mind was playing tricks on me.
"No thanks." I replied, walking off and nearly falling flat on my face. Okay. Maybe I am not feeling well, but staying in a car with him will make me feel worse.
"Come on--" He said, taking my arm all of a sudden, but I shoved my arm away.
"Please?" I asked, half-pissed and half-stressed from all that's happening. "I can just take the train, like what I do all the time."
"You? Going to take the train, the crowded train?" He argued emphasizing on the 'crowded' part. "You look like a walking corpse, so pale and thin! Honestly, what's going on with you? Are you avoiding us or something?"
"That's none of your--"-cough-"business, okay? Go away."
"Why the hell are you being rude, I was just offering a ride!" His voice became louder, and I saw a couple of people looking at us across the road. I guess he noticed that other people were watching so he calmed down. I only looked away.
"Look," he said, scratching his head. "Fine. Take the bus, or train, whatever you want."
I was about to say, "Be kind for once and stay away from me" but he said, "Just take care of yourself. It's wearing me out." I looked at him and I saw this hint of worry and kindness in his eyes. Oh wait, am I feeling guilty now? After weeks, I avoided them, and now this is what I do? Rejecting a car ride rudely? Was this really what he deserved?
I mumbled a 'thanks' and went away, leaving him staring. On my way to the station,I felt like the biggest idiot. I nearly forgot to take my change at the cashier, bumped into several people and felt like falling down. I felt so helpless.
"Great job, Jiyonn Lau. Great job." I mumbled when I got inside the train. "You're the kindest person to live on this planet." Maybe I was feeling strange or what, but I tried looking for him on the train. I know I'm crazy, but why am I feeling like this? Of all people, Kwon Ji Yong, the person who bugged me during and after practice and my worst enemy. The person who...
I never realized it was my stop already. But thankfully, I got outside just before the door closes. I buy myself a sandwich and a bottle of water on my way to the building. Although I did eat, my condition didn't change at all. My body was heavy and my head felt like it was being squeezed. Well, I can never screw up now, not now.
Me, being like this, is wearing him out. I don't really know what to say, but I felt nice knowing that. My heart started to beat faster as I erased every thought of it. Could it be possible?
"Jiyonn! I barely recognized you!" I looked up and it was Dara unnie, in her usual oversized shirt and pants, carrying a bottle of water.
"Ah, unnie." I said, bowing.
"You look so sick!" She said approaching me, holding me by the shoulder. "Are you sure you're okay? You know, you shouldn't overwork yourself."
"I'm fine, unnie." I said, smiling. "It's probably because of school and all, but I'm okay."
She doesn't seem to buy my story but she smiles instead. "Just don't overwork yourself. It's wearing me out, Jiyonn."
My eyes grew wide. Is it just a coincidence, or did Ji Yong and Dara unnie say the same thing? I started to get nervous again for no reason. I forced a smile and thanked her. Maybe I am a little paranoid, but there is no way. There is no way I'm starting to like him, never. Practice started shortly and like everyone else, Na Young was worried about my state.
"I know you want to debut, like everyone else," she said after vocal training. I was almost dragging my body that I hadn't realized time was passing by this fast. "But don't sacrifice your health for that. I've seen a lot of trainees dragging their bodies just to practice, and as your main trainer, I'm dead worried." Not her, too. But what she said was true. I don't have to sacrifice my health. Maybe I shouldn't sacrifice myself anyway in the first place.
"Please? Just a few more." I pleaded.
She looked at me sternly. "Fine. Just get something to eat. Strictly no sweets and cold water. I'll extend your break today." I jumped in joy and thanked her.
"Just promise me one thing," she said. "Don't let this happen ever again. It's only your first months in training, what more in the future?"
I pondered upon her thoughts as I ate. I followed her advice and went for a sandwich and some kimchi. Thankfully, none of the 2NE1 or Big Bang sunbaes were around. They were probably busy for their upcoming showcase, whenever that was.
'Just take care of yourself. It's wearing me out.' Is he for real? Or maybe I was just overreacting. But I started feeling guilty as I ate. I've been avoiding them for a long time and this is how I repay his kindness? By storming off and telling him it was none of his business?
"Oh goodness, you," I said, slapping myself lightly in the cheek. "Just eat before you run out of appetite." But my appetite was long gone because of the guilt, so I ended up half-finishing the kimchi. I felt so guilty that I wish I'd bump into him and apologize properly for my rude action. In the end, I came back to the practice room without any sight of him, or anyone else. I still had a lot of time, so I called Ji Sung.
"I need to talk to you after practice, okay?"
"Okay," she replied. "What happened? You sound so worried."
"Nothing really, it's just that--"
"Is someone bullying you there? Tell me--"
I laughed, which sounded so awful. "It's not that. I'll just tell you later, okay? Bye." Before she could speak, I ended the call. Why was I feeling this guilty, anyway? This whole thing is dragging me down, plus my condition.
Somehow, I managed to keep up during dance practice, and it was pretty hard trying to think you're fine when you're not. They say the mind is powerful, and I have to agree to that. I couldn't really remember what happened during practice, but by the end, I felt like crawling back home. I insisted on Na Young I was okay, and I'll call someone to pick me up. I rested some more after and I realized it was already past eight, and I haven't eaten dinner. So, I fixed my things and planned to eat at some random restaurant I come across.
If you think dancing with a weak body was difficult, walking downstairs was hell. My knees to shaking and I had to hold on to the metal railings if I don't want to commit the same mistake before. As I made my way outside, I heard light footsteps behind me.
"You... avoiding .. day." Someone said from behind. My eyes were so blurry and I could almost see black spots and I couldn't hear properly.
"Wha--"
And my body just had to fall down in that instant. It was like all my muscles and bones gave up.
Comments