I couldn’t sleep properly. In fact, I didn’t sleep properly.

Not because of the horrifying images that haunted my mind after watching A Tale of Two Sisters.

“Was I too harsh on him?” I whispered.

“If you want to quit because you find that the instant escape from this problem that you have, then go!”

Okay. The pressure from what happened last night just dawned on me and I can’t get it out of my head. I guess I took it personally, but there really was something different with Ji Yong that, well, concerns me.

Before I went to school, I sent him a quick message saying that I was sorry for what I said last night and that he should forget every single word I said. I was too guilty for saying something that I shouldn’t. Thankfully, I managed to bury it down while classes went on and tried to forget about it.

But as soon as classes ended and while on the bus ride to training, my head started to ache and everything seemed like it was spinning. I pulled out my phone from my pocket and my throat felt dry knowing that he hadn’t replied. What. Am. I. Going. To. Do. The more I got closer to the building, the more nervous I felt. Come to think of it, I wasn’t supposed to feel this way, but strangely, I do. It’s insane I know. It’s a really awful habit of mine to say things out of the blue then regret it afterwards. While training hasn’t started, I plugged in my iPod to the speakers in the practice room, draining out any negative vibes that tried to ruin my day. It was just me lying down, the cold floor, and the music.

I can't wait one minute more
The sun will shine
The sun will shine
We can't wait one minute more
The sun will shine
The sun will shine

I smiled and hummed to the tune. Perfect timing, indeed.

There's a key that opens a door
Will you find it and turn it?
Take your time, don't take too long
There's a map that's washed ashore
Will you find it and burn it?

“Nice song.”

My eyes shot open and I quickly got up, only to feel relieved when I realized that it was only Na Young.

“Um, thanks. I kind of decided to lie down for a while since I think I arrived early.” I let out a sheepish smile, turning the music off.

“Why’d you turn it off?” She replied. “You just gave me a bright idea.”

I chuckled. “And what is that bright idea of yours?”

She lay down on the floor. “Relaxing time before practice. Some trainees actually suggested it but I’m still wary about it, but since I saw you doing that I might give it a shot. Music really helps to set our minds into what your agendas are for the day and it clears your mind.”

“Well that sounded pretty deep. I’ll just put it on shuffle, okay?”

After Na Young explained it, listening to music while lying down felt de-stressing. I don’t know what it was because we were just lying on our backs while listening to music, but it sure helped.

“Can I ask a question?” Na Young asked out of the blue.

“Yes, what is it?” I replied.

“But technically you just asked.” I couldn’t help but add.

“Do you like someone?”

“Me?” I replied, the immediately gave myself a mental slap for a dumb reply. I cleared out my throat, feeling that lump growing again.

“Well, I don’t know really…” The image of Ji Yong last night flashed in my mind and I tried to shake it out. No.

Just no.

“I’ve always thought of you as a secretive person, and these days you seem to be different, like you’re inspired. What’s keeping you up, eh?” Na Young replied, sitting up and facing me.

“Well I guess I’m just thinking positively, that’s all. And no, I don’t like someone as of the moment. It probably will take me forever to like someone. Why did you ask, though?” I replied.

“If you say so.” She smiles. “Some noticed you seem to be blooming these days.”

I suddenly become nervous. “Who are those ‘some’ that you’re saying?”

But Na Young got up and turned off the speakers and chuckled.

“Shall we start now?”

--

Despite Na Young not answering my previous question, I let that slip by and went to the cafeteria, my earpods plugged in as part of the “music therapy” session I had earlier. Because Ji Yong hasn’t replied to my message, I decided to forget it and just think that maybe he has received the message. I’ll just apologize formally when I see him. A huge “I shouldn’t have said that” placard should be given to me on this occasion.

It’s easier said than done, of course. When I spot him on the corridor, the words that I was supposed to say went down the drain and there was no escape.

“I’m sorry,” was the first thing I said after bowing at him. I was expecting that he’d ignore it and go straight ahead saying that he received my message or say something that will eventually ruin my day but he looked calm and better as compared to the last time I saw him.

“Yeah I got your message.” He replied.

“I’m really sorry, okay? I guess—“

He shook his head. “Just forget it, too. Forget what I said.”

At that time, I’m just glad that it’s over. Somehow, he sounded sincere and I didn’t want to be involved with whatever he’s going through now. I should and will learn from now how to distance myself from others.

“Okay. I’ll be on my way now.” I said, after approximately five seconds of silence. As I carefully took my steps to the cafeteria, a tiny voice in my head was saying “Say something Ji Yong! Please say something!” but he wasn’t, and I feel scared reluctant to look back. However, I heard the shuffle of his feet and as if on cue, I look back.

“Can I talk to you after? After your training, I mean.”

My heart started pounding heavily and a part of me wants to scream in joy and another wants to run away and hide, but I nod. “Okay.”

I spent the remaining minutes of my break reading a book while listening to the mix for the upcoming dance battle. Just then I felt someone tap my shoulder.

“Hey there, China girl.” It was Heejun with a smile plastered on his face.

“China girl? What kind of name is that?” I laughed, taking my earpods off.

“It sounds pretty cool, right?” He replied, taking the seat across mine.

I thought about how my dad would think about this. “I guess it’s okay.”

“Great! So now I’ll call you China girl from now on!” Before I could even reply, he asks how my training has been so far and things about me outside training.

“Like, how do you balance everything? Studies, training, parties and all? It took me a long while before I could ever decide to drop out of school for a few semesters because I want to focus on dancing.”

“First of all,” I reply, leaning closer so I don’t raise my voice. “I don’t party or anything. I’m not really a fan of dancing in skimpy clothes and congested areas. And, studies, I don’t know, really. Thankfully, my schedule at university isn’t that loaded so I can spend time on training as well. I guess it’s just time management?”

Heejun only nods and says, “Time management. Of course.”

“How about you? What do you do aside from dancing and training?” I ask. Aside from his talkative and cheerful personality, I don’t really know that much about him.

“Well I work at my grandmother’s record store on weekdays then I volunteer at a school near my place. I also visit my sister at the cemetery ever week and hang out with the dance crew on most days. Aside from that, it’s just all training and stuff. I just love dancing that much.” He shrugged. Then I realized that apart from the bubbly Heejun I know, he’s a hardworking and down-to-earth person, a mindset you don’t really see at this kind of environment. From what I have experienced, the kids training are all eager to debut, some even hungry for fame at this stage. With that, I feel glad that I became friends with someone like Heejun.

“Wait, your grandmother owns a record store?” I ask, to which he enthusiastically nods.

“Yes, we have vintage records and a few working phonographs as well. It’s pretty cool and it’d be nice for you to drop by sometime.” He sheepishly added.

Since I was young, my parents owned a phonograph which was handed down by my mother’s grandparents and on most days, my mom would play old records on the phonograph. Let’s just say it’s nostalgic to listen from a phonograph.

“Well, I’d love to go there soon.” I reply, and then tell him about my parents’ love for listening from phonographs and how my mother collects old records. “Hopefully when I get a day off from university and training, I can drop by there and check out the records.”

Heejun smiles widely and takes both my hands, shaking them and repeatedly thanking me.

“I’m really happy I met a friend like you here.” He said after letting my hands go. “Do you have the slightest idea how some kids here are so air-headed and attention hungry? Like, they haven’t even debuted and they think of themselves to be so special and all! Talking and as if they own the place and all. So annoying!”

“I think I have had the impression, but I got used to it before, so maybe I won’t let it get to me.”

Heejun nods. “Yeah. Let’s just ignore it and focus on our training.”

--

After my usual training with Na Young, we joined other trainees, choreographers and artists for the practice for the upcoming showcase. And as usual, it’s pretty tiring and sometimes frustrating because at one point, the choreographers had an argument about which dance steps work and which didn’t. But in the end they managed to set aside their differences and talked it out.

So the choreography is settled and everyone was on the movie again. We were told that in the next couple weeks, it would be some extensive practice, but that didn’t pressure us or anything; all of us took it more as a challenge.

--

When everything was wrapped up and everyone started to leave, I checked my phone for any missed calls or texts and to my surprise, there were. Some of them were academics-related, reminding us of upcoming lectures and seminars, but there was one particular message that had me caught up in all sorts of emotions. It was one of those messages that make you sigh in relief because you’ve been waiting for it, but it does make you anxious.

From: Short Man
Message: Meet me in front of Mi Rae’s shop after practice.

--

On my way to the bubble tea shop, I tried as I can to walk slowly, afraid that I arrive there and Ji Yong is nowhere in sight. One thing about me is that I’m not a fan of waiting for people. I feel anxious whenever I meet someone at this certain place and I have to wait before they arrive; most of the time, I get different looks from people who probably think that I’m some kind of loner or something. It’s a weird fact about me, so most of the time I go out with my friends, I arrive a few minutes before or after call time to make sure that someone’s already there.

But even before I arrive at the shop, I see a familiar figure waiting in front, clad in a leather jacket, jeans and shoes, holding what seems to be two bubble teas. I feel relieved knowing that I won’t have to wait, but I felt bad because I might have walked too slow and Ji Yong had to wait for a long time.

“Here,” was the first thing he said, offering a bubble tea. “It’s kiwi.”

“Oh… thanks.” I said, taking it from him.

“I owe you an apology, thanks, and an explanation.” He said, and started walking off. I shook my head in disbelief and followed him. We could have just talked or something inside the shop instead of walking.

“Wait, what?” I asked once I caught up with him.

“I’m sorry with how I acted the past days.” He replied. “That was just so unprofessional of me to be down in the dumps like that. I think I should have handled the situation in a better way instead of whining like that to you. I know you felt bad with what you said, but I think that somehow knocked some sense into me. You know what I’m saying?”

Yes, yes I do. I thought, but I don’t really know what or how to reply. I feel so overwhelmed with all of this. The bubble tea, him, walking beside me, and the city lights which seem to illuminate his face, everything.

“Anyway, I’d like to thank you for being that honest with me. I feel like I’ve been hit with a huge reality check.” Ji Yong said.

But I shake my head. “Okay. I take a bit of credit for that, but don’t think that you can’t have bad days and that those days are just consequences of your bad decisions or something. Everyone has bad days, period.”

You’re only human, just like me.

“Everyone makes really terrible decisions sometime, but in the end, we can all overcome it.” I started on blabbering that when I realized he was looking at me with an amused expression, I nearly choke on my drink.

“You’re really talkative, aren’t you?” He asked, still having that amused look in his eyes.

I look away from him and towards the streets. The lights really look beautiful against the buildings and trees.

“I guess you can say I am. Or it depends on who I am with, or what I’m talking about, or my mood…”

“But you were never this talkative when you’re with me.”

I felt my hands shake and my grip on the plastic cup tightens while my heart starts to beat rapidly. Why are you like this, Kwon Ji Yong? One moment, you’d be very snobbish and moody and the next, you suddenly tell things like this. Sometimes, I don’t really know how to act around him. It’s very complicated, thinking about it. Sometimes, I like him (there, I admitted it) but sometimes I just wish I can haul a huge rock at him. Sometimes I feel like I can tell him anything and everything, but sometimes I don’t even know how to start a proper conversation with him.

“You intimidate me.” I finally replied, facing him. “I don’t know, I’m not sure, but sometimes you appear to me like you’re on-stage persona and there are times that you’re all vulnerable and soft. Like I don’t know how to act when I’m around you. It’s confusing, okay?”

“Then don’t be confused. Don’t think about how you act when you’re around me, simple.”

“It’s not that simple when you’re the leader of this hugely popular group.” At this rate, I feel like my heart will implode and I know my face is almost beet red because I never thought I’d have the guts to say this out loud.

“Then don’t think I’m G-Dragon when you’re around me. Act around me as if I’m Kwon Ji Yong. Just that.”

During the whole time that he was speaking, I didn’t want to look at him, afraid that it will only make me look silly (and it would make my heart skip a beat). But when I finally look at him, he looks at me differently, and it was the first time I’ve seen him look at me like that. It’s that heartbeat-stopping, time-stopping look. It was almost the same look I had as I gazed and the street lights against the darkness of the city.

Beautiful.