“Help, I think I might be having feelings for someone,” was the first thing I said to Ji Sung during lunch. I quickly pulled a chair and sat, trying to get my thoughts straight and reminding myself that this isn’t something out of impulse.

She quickly pulled a chair across the table. “Should I be worried?”

“Yes! You’re my best friend.” I replied. Ji Sung has been my friend since high school and our friendship is more of a sister-like type. Since I am an only child and Ji Sung is the youngest of two siblings, we pretty much have this weird but special kind of understanding between us. However, we didn’t instantly become friends since we hung out with different people. But in our junior year, we became partners in Literature and we would work on our essays and papers at her café, and starting from then, we started to hang out more.

Ji Sung is one of those people you didn’t need to pretend to be smart or cool for her to like you; it was okay to act silly around her because she’s pretty silly herself. I enjoyed having her around because not only do I feel like myself whenever I’m with her, but she constantly motivates me to do well academically and when I was training. We might fool around and throw playful insults here and there, but when one of us has a problem, we will always be there for one another.

For short, Ji Sung is the sister I wish I had.

“Okay spill the beans.” She said, opening her bento box.

I took a deep breath and calmed myself and sputtered as fast as I can. “I think I might like Kwon Ji Yong more than I should.”

Ji Sung looked at me as if I said something casual. “Everyone likes him, hello? And I think you mentioned it, but in an indirect way.”

“No, not the general kind of liking, like how I like strawberries and you like Big Bang.” I stated. “I like him… a lot. Like, I’ve-been-thinking-about-him-all-night kind. I get so nervous when I’m around him and I don’t know, it’s so weird. I don’t like this feeling at all.”

“I think liking someone or falling in love is one of the greatest feelings ever,” she replied dreamily.

I roll my eyes and look at her. “Well, that’s because you are in a relationship.”

“Whether you are in a relationship or not, I don’t see what you’re so worried about.”

Come to think of it, I wasn’t that worried about it before. I always thought that it was just some silly crush and that it was normal for me to feel this way. I mean, Ji Yong is a funny and charismatic guy, he has a strong sense of leadership and he has a really nice smile, which I all find very attractive. But that’s just it. I just want to admire him from afar and not let it distract me and all; that was the plan. It’s like I’m building some kind of protective wall that separates personal feelings and professionalism that started to crumble since he told me that “act around me as if I’m Kwon Ji Yong” thing.

Especially that time we visited an art park after going to Heejun’s record shop, it felt really weird.

--

“An art park.” I said after I got out of his car. It wasn’t that far from the shop and it also had that artsy vibe to it with its brightly-colored sculptures and structures—it’s an art park after all. Since it was a weekday, the place wasn’t crowded but there are a number of people around: from kids with their parents, students hanging around after class and couples strolling around, along with their couple outfits and all. The sun was just about to set and the clouds looked very pretty from where we were.

It was going well, really. I tried not to be that awkward around him and we walked around as if we were like friends goofing around the park, imitating the poses of statues.

“Well someone’s pretty happy today,” Ji Yong said, handing me my phone. I just took a picture with a flamingo entirely made out of old beer bottles.

I had to admit, I was really happy especially since buying something for my mom and going to this park. Ever since I moved to the apartment, I’ve been looking for places to hang out or go to whenever I had free time. I may be a fan of staying at home, tucked in my sheets and watching movies, but going around town and discovering new places is something I will never get tired of.

“In fact, I am.” I replied, facing him. “It’s been a while since I discovered a new place to go to, and I love anything artsy, so yeah, I think I might have found another hideout. This place is really nice and I see myself going back here every now and then... which is whenever I feel like it.”

We ended up resting in this stage-like structure with rows that formed waves from above and it was difficult to find a comfortable spot since most of the seats were uneven. The sun had set and the park was illuminated by the small light bulbs that hung from the trees, the different colors of lights giving a lively atmosphere to the park even at night. Several park-goers also stopped by the stage and took a break, either taking short naps or eating their early dinner.

“Hey, you’ve been quiet. Is something bothering you?” I glanced at Ji Yong, who was staring at the lights in front of him. Aside from taking pictures, he hasn’t said that much and I felt slightly guilty because I thought I might have been a burden. Although I was really happy today, I still felt uneasy because it seemed as if I was the only the happy one and it felt unfair.

“What kind of guys do you like?” What a question. I stared at him in disbelief, asking myself if he really was okay and of all questions, why that?

I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

He shook his head, a stern expression on his face. “I’m serious.”

“Really, I don’t know,” I said, starting to think of possible qualities for my ideal man or something. “I don’t really know, someone who is a great listener and someone who can keep up with my thoughts probably since most of the time I go off-topic. A guy with good manners and a nice sense of humor. Someone… someone who can be my best friend as well—I don’t know, someone I can be comfortable around.”

“You said ‘I don’t know’ four times just then,” he replied, an amused grin on his face.

 I stare at him, completely dumbfounded. “I answer what seemed to be a difficult question and all you do is count how many times I said ‘I don’t know’—“

“—That’s the fifth.” He replied, holding up his hand. He laughs at me for a while before his expression softens and I immediately look away, obviously flustered.

“Your ideal guy… he’s pretty likeable.” He said.

I snorted. “Yeah, but he sounds a little too good for me, which is why it’s just ideal.”

“You?” Ji Yong says, shaking his head. “I don’t think so.”

“Prove me wrong,” I challenged, looking at the colorful lights around us. I wasn’t serious when I said that, so I wasn’t expecting a serious answer. But what he said afterwards completely surprised me and made me question

“Honestly, I think you’re very likeable. You’re one of the few unpretentious people I know, you’re talented, amusing, and you even have good taste in music.”

I clarified. “Not all people appreciate the kind—“

As expected, I was cut off. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but you work hard to achieve your dreams and any guy would like that. ”

I try not to smile or be giddy and I regret for even asking him to prove his point so I just looked around and avoid his gaze, hiding the obvious blush on my face. Why did I even ask that? If my heart was beating rapidly then, I had no idea how I’m still okay by now when he told me to look at him. I slowly turned my head towards him and found him looking intently at me, as if all this time he was looking at me. For a few moments, I completely forgot how colorful the lights were or how many people were at the place as well. It was like everything else were blurred except for the person I’m looking at; it was just me and him.

“…I think it’d be easy for someone to like you, or even love you.”

--

Just remembering what he said and what happened days ago were enough to make my heart combust.

“So, what’s bugging you then?” Ji Sung asked, her eyes genuinely concerned.

I sigh, finishing the remains of my lunch. “The thing is, you know me once I start liking someone. I always think and hope that they like me back, and in this case, I’m on the losing end. He’ll never like me or something like that.”

“Don’t be so negative,” she replied, rolling her eyes.

“How can I not be negative?” I argued, in the brink of pulling my hair out due to so much frustration. “When I like someone or have a crush on them, they avoid me, make fun of my feelings, or they end up liking someone else—which always happens!”

All of a sudden, Ji Sung drops her chopsticks and looks at me in the eye. “Oh my god, he likes someone else?”

I try not to be hurt, but why does it feel like I am? “Be quiet, but yes. You know that Japanese model who played this girl on Norwegian Wood?”

“Her? That Kiko model?” Ji Sung’s eyes narrowed. “You’re sure about that?”

“Maybe?” I shrugged. “He’s always on his phone and they say that he’s always talking to her and all. I’m not sure but I think he likes her.”

Instead of sympathizing with me, Ji Sung nearly chokes on her drink and laughs. “That’s it? All because he’s always texting or calling her you assume that he’s head over heels for her?”

I give her a sulky look and her expression softens.

“Listen, I don’t know how close you two are, but if you really like Ji Yong and you’re so bothered about it, then tell him.” She said, then thought for a moment. “But knowing you, you’d probably bottle everything up.”

“You know me too well, Ji Sung.” I chuckled, finishing the last of my lunch.

“But I thought you hated him, or you find him annoying?”

“That was the plan, I thought he was.” I sighed, then explained how I saw him in a different light ever since we spent more time together. All the thoughts I kept to myself, I confessed it to Ji Sung because she knew I’d bottle it up and there’s probably no use denying what may seem to be obvious.

“So what are you going to do? Now that you’ve said it yourself that you like him, what do you plan to do about it?” Ji Sung asked after lunch. She was on afternoon shift at the café and I had no practice schedule for the day so I planned to just stay in at the apartment, read a book or something.

“Like what I always do. Nothing.” I replied in a dull manner. “Everyone likes him, too, and I don’t see why I have to act like this is a big deal.”

Ji Sung gives me a worried look but I force a smile. “You’re right. I don’t need to be worried at all. It’s just girly feelings.”

--

Before going home, I dropped by Mi Rae’s shop and ordered a bubble tea and food for takeaway. Usually, I would stay for a couple hours reading or doing some advanced reading for university, but today I didn’t have the energy for that. Last time I planned on having some me-time at the shop, I ran into Heejun and Ji Yong and right now, I am not prepared for that. I’m not prepared for anything, to be honest.

I immediately slumped against my bed when I got home. It was one of the days when you just want to isolate yourself from everything else and truth is I don’t know why I myself make this such a big deal when there’s no issue about it. I feel sad, yet I don’t know why I am feeling like this and if I should be.

I like him. I really do. I never expected it would come to this, but do I still want to go back to that point wherein I disliked him? It’s just with the way things are and how we seem to be finally getting along, I don’t want to keep my hopes up that he might like me back, but I can’t help it.

Every time we would get bubble tea or when he would stay with me at the shop while I study, I feel like there could be something more to that. Every time he talks to me and looks at me softly in the eyes, I couldn’t but wish he could reciprocate my feelings. Maybe there could be. But what if there’s nothing more to that? Who ends up hurt by their false hopes?

“…I think it’d be easy for someone to like you, or even love you.”

Kwon Ji Yong, can you be that someone?