You stumble out of your car and into your house, bursting through the doors and letting your feet bring you upstairs.  Your breath comes in short gasps and sobs as you face Jongdae’s room.  Without thinking, you push the handle and open the door.

The room; it’s empty.

You crumple down to the floor and gape, the tears streaming without halt down your face.  Left and right, nothing of Jongdae was left.  The bed was stripped clean of its sheet, the pictures on his cupboard are gone, the only thing left was the curtains, drawn over the dark window. 

The drawers, wardrobes, closets, everything, it was all empty.  There was nothing you could see that would remind you of him, as if he was trying to erase himself from your world.

But no, he can never do that, can he?

Even if he dies, you won’t ever forget him.

You’re angry.  And you’re so sad at the same time, so empty.  There’s a void, burning a hole, wider and deeper in your heart. 

The room sickens you.  It sickens you with how  faint Jongdae’s cologne hovered in the air, full of memories and things that made you remember him.  As empty as it is, it was still where Jongdae lived. 

You stagger outside of the room, having to hold on to the door frame to prevent yourself from collapsing again onto the floor. 

Everything reminds you of Jongdae.

He would usually help you steady yourself, but now, there’s nobody around you.  Nobody to stand beside you and support your weaknesses. 

Coming into your room, your eyes go to the porch.  You run outside and look right, hoping to see him, as he always is, sitting there waiting for you, smiling and saying, “Come and sit, agasshi,”

But no, there is only emptiness.

The metal bench was empty.  No Jongdae to wrap his arm around your shoulder.

You sit down and hug your knees, crying into them what’s left of the tears you have in your eyes.  You hope that the louder you cry, Jongdae will eventually come to you and just know what was wrong. 

But then again, he’s gone.

He’s not there.

Not here, beside you.

The tears tire yourself out and eventually, you lie down on the bench and fall asleep, hugging yourself, still and always hoping that when you wake up, you’re on your bed and waking you up would be Jongdae, reminding you that you have work to go to.

“Agasshi,”

Your eyes snap open and as quickly as it opened, your excitement bursts to nothing.

Lena was the one waking you up.

“You shouldn’t sleep outside, it’s cold,” She says, placing her hand on your arm.

It wasn’t Jongdae.  Her hand and its warmth; it was different.

You say nothing and squint as you sit up, the sun blinding your eyes. 

“Hey, Lena,” You quietly start.  “You knew, right?”

After a second of hesitation, she answers as quietly.  “Yes, I knew,”

You stand up and enter your room, looking into the mirror.  There you are, hair messed up, clothes wrinkled, eyes red and puffy.  You’re nothing like the Park family’s second daughter.  At times like these, it would be Jongdae who pats your hair down a bit and say, “That’s more like it,”

And once again, you’re met with silence.  He just, isn’t, there.

You blankly change into your clothes, not caring for what you wear and ending up with shabby sneakers, jeans and a loose, checkered blouse, your hair tumbling down your shoulders and back after Lena combed it.

You step out of your room and are faced with your parents’ faces.

“Hello, mother, father,” You bow towards them, keeping your eyes cast down.

“Dear, we’re sorry,” Your mother says.

“About Chen,” Your father continues, lifting his hand up to set it down on your shoulder.

But you pull back slowly, not letting any of them touch you.  “Please, don’t talk to me about him,” You say, almost having your voice crack again.

They stay silent and you take it as a way of letting you go, so you bow again and exit the house quickly, driving towards Eunbok.

Very slowly, you take your time.  Jongdae wouldn’t want you to be like this.  To be weak, to involve your personal feelings in your work. 

Then so be it.

You snap back into reality and touch your face up, brightening it to the usual you.  Arriving at Eunbok, agasshi has gone back to agasshi.

As you enter, opening time has passed about 5 minutes ago so the customers are already around the place. 

“Sajangnim! It isn’t very like you to be late!” A regular says, waving her hand to catch your attention.

“Sorry, overslept,” You grin and offer your assistance.

“Agasshi?” Jihoo calls you, softness in his voice.

“Hm?” You turn to meet his eyes and give him a smile. 

He stares at you without a smile then drops his gaze.  “Nothing,”

You saw expression flicker in his eyes and refuse to register it.  The rest of the Eunbok team steals glances at you but when you meet their eyes, they avert their gazes, returning to their tasks. 

“Sajangnim, we need you in the studio,” Hyosung calls you from the back door and you nod, excusing yourself from your customer. 

“Hello,” You enter the studio with her and bow at the Samsung photography crew.  The backdrop for the photoshoot was dark blue and the room was quiet.  “What did you need me for?”

“We need you to model again,” Woonha grins at you and beckons for you to come over.  He handed you to the stylist staff and tells them to do what they need to.  “This time it’s a promotional video so maybe we’re going outside for a bit, right at the backyard,”

After a brief moment, you’re dressed up in a simple, plain, white dress, without sleeves and without shoes, your hair combed to one side of your shoulder, loosely flowing down.  The sky was clouded with grey clouds, indicating rain.

“What’s the concept?” You ask tucking a lock of hair behind your ear and taking the products Hyosung hands you.

She hesitates in answering, and Woonha, instead, speaks up.  “It’s about a girl and a boy who loves each other, and is torn apart before any of them could say anything, so the phone becomes the only thing that connects the two, well you get what i’m saying right,”

You nod and stand up in position, ignoring the confused frown Hyosung gave you.

Truth be told; you’re trying so hard not to refuse the shooting.

You’re paired with no one, so you have to speak into the phone, imagining that the ‘boy’ is across the line, talking back to you.  You occassionally show the phone to the camera, very naturally with your fingers slowly hovering over the button that would call the boy.

Ironic.  You’re replaying the thing that’s happening to you and yet it doesn’t fully happen to you.  Jongdae; he didn’t leave you any means of contacting him.

You press dial and put the phone onto your ear, waiting for a few seconds before saying hello.  The words that came out of your mouth is no longer audible in your ears.  You’re just thinking about how much you hope this could happen between you and Jongdae.  Without him beside you, at least you could hear his voice, but no, you can’t.  There is nothing here that he left for you.

You lift your other hand onto your lips, trying to stop it from trembling as the tears start dropping down onto the ground as you hide your face with your hair. 

“I love you,” You quitely whisper.  “I love you,” Then you let your hands drop to your sides, and your tears are accompanied by the drops of water from the sky.  Rain.  As if it was sad for you. 

“Cut!” Woonha halts the shooting and everybody rushes to bring the equipments inside, wrapping you in blankets as you were soaked through your own clothes. 

It seems that your shooting had become a spectacle, because you realized that the shop’s back door was opened and is filled with faces of curiosity, of your customers, amazed at your act.

But it’s not an act.

Why didn’t you have the chance to say that to Jongdae?

Why didn’t you realize yourself earlier?

Why are you just so stupid?

You look up as the murmurs stopped and are faced with Rin’s concerned face.  Seeing her expression and her eyes, it was as if she understood you completely.  You grit your teeth at the new, hot tears flowing down your cheeks, and five words escape your lips as she pulls you into her arms.

“I love him so much,”

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