It’s a big step for you.  A humongous, gigantic step for you.

Something you look forward to, but is dead frightened at the same time.

As it set itself in your mind, the first thing you thought about was that you should tell Chen.  You should tell him, because, well, you just have to, don’t you.

After gathering enough information, you know that an eye transplant operation only needs a little time, and that you can go after a day or two at the hospital.  But there’s a possibility that it might or not work, which is what worries you the most.  Being blind for 15 years must be a big obstacle for the doctors to overcome in your operation. 

You’ve been seeing your ophthalmologist for continuous examinations in the past days, and he had told you the risks and benefits of your operation, including the possibility of the operation’s success.  It was a 50:50; where it might fail, or might succeed equally. 

You enter Chen’s room and quietly sit beside him.  “Jongdae, are you awake?” You whisper.

For a moment you wait, until he answers.  “Am now,”

“Sorry,” You say.

“It’s fine.  I have enough rest anyways,”

You feel for the bed and find his hand, letting him take yours into his as he always does.  “Chen, I need to tell you something,”

“Alright,” He answers you, guiding your hand to his face.  You put your elbows on his bed, as you find his cheek.  You trace his cheekbones and jawline.  How does he look like? Let’s just hope that you’ll find out soon.  When you tell Chen that you’re about to say something to him, he lets you know of his expression, which explains why he guided your hand to his face.

“After everything that happened,” You start, heaving a deep breath.  “After the Rin and Baekhyun and Kris, um, thing, and the dinner party, and the news and well, your illness, I think it’s time for me,”

You notice that Chen’s expression changed.  He turned serious.  “Time for you, to?”

“To get rid of my blindness,”

Now, Chen’s expression just turned so stoic that you can’t perceive what he’s putting up in front of you. 

“Jongdae?” You call out.  “Why, what is it?”

“Agasshi,” He answers.  “You are sure of your own decision? You are absolutely, one-hundred percent sure of the decision you’ve made?” Chen’s voice emphasized the words, clearly stating what he’s meaning to say.

You’ve been blind for 15 years, and those years, are the exact amount of time you have spend with Chen.  Every second, every minute, every hour of every day in every week, every month and every year, Chen is beside you, and you are beside him, with your blindness. 

“Although it frightens me, the possibility of me completely losing my sight forever until I die because the operation would fail later on,” You take a deep breath and slowly breathe out through your lips.  “But yes, I am sure.  It is my decision and mine alone, and as we have promised, I do not make decisions that are not of my own mind,” You recite one of the ‘vows’ you and Chen had made, claiming your firm spot on the decision.

You keep your hand on Chen’s face, detecting every single shift of his expression.  You notice that he was worried, that he was concerned, but it all settled to one expression; tranquility.

“Alright, agasshi,” He says, a slight smile in his voice.  “If that is what you choose, I am with you,”

You gratefully smile at his answer and continue.  “And I’m having the operation in two days, so I wish, no, I need you to be there when I open my eyes with, hopefully, my new sight,”

Chen will be discharged tomorrow, and you’ll be taken into the hospital tomorrow too.  So, you’re basically changing positions with Chen.

“It will be my honor to do so, agasshi,” He leans into your hand and pulls it away from his face.  “Lean closer, will you,”

You follow his request and feel his hand cupping one side of your face, as he gently runs his thumb over your right eye. 

“Thank you, Jongdae,” You whisper into his palm.

And so that’s how you’re here, sitting on a hospital bed, wrapped in hospital clothes, waiting to be taken into the operation room.

“Jongdae,” You fumble for his hand and find it, taking it in yours.

“Agasshi, relax.  Breathe,” He says.  “It’s going to be alright,”

The 5 words you repeatedly hear from him since yesterday, and it never fails to calm you down.  The feeling of having Chen beside you, staying with you, just relaxes your mind, pulling away all worries from you. 

Baekhyun, Rin, and Kris are also in the room, and they were completely for your decision.  When you told them, they immediately supported you, immediately cheered on for you with smiles in their voices.  Finally, their blind little sister will, hopefully, once again, have the ability to see.

You’re looking forward to the success of your operation.  Of course.  If it succeeds, you’ll get to see Chen’s face, the face of the person you look forward to the most.  Also Rin’s, Baekhyun’s, Kris’, your parents.  Surely, you’ve braced yourself for other faces.  For the faces of the people at the company, for the people at work, also for the gazes you’ll be meeting in recognition, in judgement, in critic, as you still are the second daughter of the Park family. 

Letting go of your blindness is like letting go of an old friend.  For 15 years, it stuck with you, through sadness and joy.  But as they say, goodbyes are the beginning to everything.  If this operation succeeds, you’re going to be able to see.  Not ‘see’, but see.  Everything.  The words sound strange in your tongue, but you’ve prepared yourself for the adaptation you’re going to have to go through. 

“Patient Park?” The nurse’s voice calls, and you breathe in and out once more.  “You are to proceed into the operation room,”

“Jongdae, be the first person I see when I, well, see, okay?” You clench at his fingers before you let go, letting the nurses push your bed into the operation room, the strong smell of antiseptics entering your lungs.

“Just relax,” A doctor says, as you feel the anaesthetia seep from the needle stuck on your arm, slowly making your eyes droop.

And then, you completely lose consciousness.

***

Slowly, you regain consciense.

The smell of antiseptic is no longer around you, and you feel the familiar air conditioning of your hospital room.  You lift your hand up to your head and find the tight wrap of the bandage around your head, closing your eyes. 

“Patient Park?” The doctor’s voice calls for your attention.  “You have had enough rest, so, are you ready?”

The bed automatically inclines forward, making you sit straight.  You interlace your fingers and set them on your lap.  “Is Jongdae here?”

“Yes, agasshi,” His familiar voice calms you down, considering your inexplainable anxiety about the situation. 

“Only acquaintance Kim is present, because you are to not to be exposed to too much shock after the operation.  Your eyes must learn to accomodate properly and you, too, must adapt,” The doctor explains, his hand on your shoulder.

“I understand.  I’m ready, doctor,” You quietly say, preparing your mind and heart for whatever is to come.

“I’m taking off the bandage now,”

You feel the clutch of the roll of fabric around your head loosened, until it eventually drops down from your head, your eyes still closed.

“Slowly, open your eyes,”

And, blanking out your mind for what’s to come, leaving it all to hope, you slowly, but surely, open your eyes.