One day.

 

Three days.

 

Now, it’s been a week.

 

It’s been a week since I confessed my feelings, and waiting for Winter to reply is making me more anxious.

 

She did not reply at all. Not even a single letter or number or any character. Nothing.

 

Is this it? Is our friendship over? Are we never going to speak to each other again?

 

I imagined a thousand scenarios in my head as soon as I hit the send button. Of course, I was hoping for a positive outcome. I mean sino ba namang hindi, diba? Pero syempre, I also prepared myself for the worst. But what’s happening right now, I did not imagine this at all.

 

I’d be lying if I said na hindi ako galit. It’s a normal reaction after getting ignored, especially when it took me a while to muster up the courage to acknowledge my feelings and to say all those words. If she doesn’t like me back, then she should just tell me directly instead of avoiding me. I don’t even know if tamang word ba talaga for what I’m feeling right now ‘yung “galit,” but I am definitely unhappy. I think frustrated is the more appropriate term.

 

But the back of my mind is telling me that Winter probably has her reasons. Hindi naman sa pagiging overconfident, but I know her well. Winter is not the type of person to just ignore the existence of someone dahil lang nag-confess sa kanya. Ning is an example. Ning used to like her, and like me, umamin siya, but they’re still best friends until today, diba?

 

Maybe I should ask Ning about Winter.

 

kars [11:31 a.m.]: hi ning

 

It won’t be weird if I ask her kung kumusta si Winter, right?

 

ningie [11:34 a.m.]: hi mareee

kars [11:35 a.m.]: how’s your vacation so far?

ningie [11:35 a.m.]: ay eme thanks sa pangangamusta okay lang naman. ikaw ba?

kars [11:36 a.m.]: it’s alright lang din naman

kars [11:36 a.m.]: i just want to ask lang rin. how’s winter?

ningie [11:37 a.m.]: ay hindi rin ba siya nagpaparamdam sayo?

 

Oh. So Winter is really ignoring everyone right now?

 

ningie [11:37 a.m.]: di siya nagchachat pero sabi ni tita grace nasa laguna na daw si winter

kars [11:38 a.m.]: oh i see

ningie [11:38 a.m.]: i hope di mo masamain pero question lang. may nangyari ba sa inyo?

kars [11:39 a.m.]: wala naman. i was just wondering since ia siya sa socmed

kars [11:39 a.m.]: thanks btw! enjoy your vacay :)

ningie [11:40 a.m.]: ikaw rin sis. enjoy! if may need ka kay winter o ano, chat mo lang ako

kars [11:40 a.m.]: thanks :)

 

I remember Winter telling me before that she has this bad habit that she wants to change. It’s her tendency to isolate herself when things get tough.

 

Maybe this is one of those times? She will come around, right? Baka kailangan niya lang ng time to process all the things that happened. I mean two of her friends confessed to her, and it might be too much para sa kanya.

 

I don’t even know if that’s the issue. Baka mamaya meron pala siyang ibang problems.

 

I’ll just give her the time and space she needs.

 

“Rina?” Ate Charing knocked on my door. “May mga bisita ka sa baba, anak. Sila Giselle.”

 

Right. I asked my friends to come over today para makwento ko in detail ‘yung nangyari. They only know na umamin na ako kay Winter, and hindi ako nakakuha ng reply. I asked them to give me space muna bago ko i-share sa kanila ‘yung details.

 

“Sige po. Thank you, ate,” I quickly got off my bed and went downstairs.

 

“Rina. How are you? Are you okay?” Giselle immediately asked pagkalapit ko sa kanila.

 

“Shh,” I shushed her. I can’t risk na marinig dito sa bahay kahit na si ate Charing lang naman kasama ko ngayon. “Let’s just talk in my room.” I led them papunta sa kwarto ko. Ryujin also came with them today, and it’s okay naman sakin since I told her about the situation myself.

 

Ryujin already told me that Winter is in Laguna, but I still asked Ning earlier because she might still have communication with her best friend. Even though RJ is Winter’s cousin, based sa observation ko, Winter trusts Ning more, and baka naging ganun lang after the Yeji situation.

 

“Still no reply?” Yeji asked me as soon as I closed my room’s door, and I shook my head.

 

“Nothing yet.” I tried to sound as normal as possible.

 

“Girl, sorry. Ayoko mang-ruin ng mood agad-agad,” Chaehyun started. “Pero kung hindi pa rin siya nagrereply, wag mo na yan pagtuunan ng pansin. Mukhang wala na ‘yang balak sumagot.”

 

“Agree,” answered Lia. “Akala ko pa naman mabait si Winter. Peace tayo, Ryujin, ha.”

 

“Mabait naman siya,” I defended. It’s true. Winter ignoring my confession doesn’t erase the fact that she’s kind. She’s done a lot for me and for other people too.

 

My grades this semester got slightly better. I got my highest GWA yet, and I think it’s because of the help she gave me pagdating sa acads.

 

“Why are you defending Winter pa rin? It’s been a week, and hindi siya sumasagot sa’yo,” Gigi slightly scolded me.

 

I can’t answer because she has a point. I should be mad. Well, I am a little mad, but I’m choosing to be patient with Winter. Ako ‘yung umamin, so I should be prepared for any outcome, right?

 

“Pwede kami patingin ng message mo?” Yeji asked, and I handed her my phone na pinagpiyestahan agad ng friends ko.

 

“Segue, pero kinilig ako sa confession. I didn’t know you had it in you,” Lia lightly pushed me. “Pero my gosh, bakit hindi sinagot? Binuhos mo ‘yung sincerity mo dun sa message eh.”

 

“You deserve better than this, Rina.” Gigi seriously said.

 

“Matatanda na tayo. Hindi naman mahirap na mag-respond sa confession kahit pa unreciprocated ‘yung feelings.” Chaehyun voiced out. “Kung rejected ka, okay lang basta i-communicate. Kaysa ‘yung ganito. No reply. Ghosting. Habang ikaw dito nag-ooverthink.”

 

Kita ko naman that my friends are upset. It’s natural for them to react this way. Kung sila ‘yung nasa situation ko ngayon, I would have the same reaction, but I don’t know why I feel the need to defend Winter.

 

“She’ll eventually talk to me. I trust her,” I said with conviction, which was hard for me to do. I am a little hesitant, but I am giving Winter the benefit of the doubt.

 

“You know that this trust could possibly hurt you even more in the end, right?” Even Yeji is pissed. Ryujin, on the other hand, looks torn and awkward. Winter is still her cousin, after all.

 

“Kung gusto mo, Karina, puntahan ko si Winter sa Laguna. Para makausap,” Ryujin offered. “Even better, kung sasama ka.”

 

“Like I said, I trust Winter. She’ll come around din. Maybe she just needs time. Just let her be muna.”

 

To be honest, after hearing my friends say all these, I am feeling a hint of self-pity.

 

I understand where my friends are coming from. They just want to look out for me, but I know Winter better than them. Masyado ba akong optimistic? I don’t know.

 

“Girl, Winter better prove me wrong, because if not, I will really confront her myself,” Giselle firmly said.

 

“Tama. Karina protection squad assemble.”

 

“Pero it’s up to you naman talaga kung ano gusto mong gawin, Rina. Basta just know that we are here for you. Always,” Gigi emphasized the last word, and I smiled at her. Nag-agree din with her ‘yung iba pa naming friends. 

 

This is what I need right now. Emotional support.

 

“Thank you.” I’m feeling a bit more relieved because I know that my best friends got my back.

 

Hindi lang ako through words kino-comfort ng friends ko. They’re also making time for me. Madalas akong lumabas mostly with Gigi and Yeji lately. Of course, Ryujin’s also tagging along sometimes. Lia and Chaehyun had to go back sa provinces nila, while Yuna is busy preparing for her freshman year.

 

When I’m alone, I find myself scrolling through our chatbox. Katulad ngayon. 

 

There’s nothing special here, actually. Puro lang siya questions about schoolworks, or get home safely messages. Magkasama naman kasi talaga kami most of the time, and we use FaceTime and Zoom more than Messenger para mag-communicate.

 

As I am scrolling, I can’t help but notice na nababawasan ‘yung frequency ng messages namin as months passed by.

 

What if my confession is the final nail in the coffin para sa friendship namin?

 

I know I said na may tiwala ako kay Winter. I want to trust her 100%, but that’s just impossible sa circumstances. I have to brace myself for the worst too. After all, ilang months pa lang naman kaming magkakilala on a deeper level.

 

What if my perception of her is wrong? I mean I like her, but that’s the point, maybe I am not seeing the negatives in this because of my feelings.

 

There’s just a lot of possibilities that I can’t even wrap my head around all of them anymore.

 

This is driving me crazy. I didn’t know na ganito pala kacomplicated magkagusto sa isang tao.

 

“Anak, are you okay?” I woke up from my trance when I heard my mom.

 

“Yeah,” I nodded and continued eating.

 

“Sure ka ba?” I can see worry painted all over her face.

 

“Yes, mom. I was just thinking about the subjects I need to take next sem,” I quickly made up an alibi.

 

“Kaka-start lang ng bakasyon mo, next sem na agad worry mo,” my dad butted in. “Take it easy. You got good grades naman last sem. We’re proud of you.”

 

I smiled at him. I know that my parents are proud of me. They always say it. But I wonder if they would still have the same level of pride if they found out that I’m gay. 

 

I’d probably tell them kapag may capability na akong maging financially independent.

 

For now, it’s hard to tell them. Even though I have a good relationship with them, hindi ko talaga alam kung anong i-eexpect na reaction from them once I come out.

 

“When is ate Irene coming home pala?” I attempted to divert the topic. It’s been a long time na rin kasi since umuwi si ate. Almost half a year. The last time she was here is noong holiday season pa.

 

“End of June to early July, she told me last week. May mga kailangan lang daw tapusin,” my mom answered.

 

I nodded, and nag-iba na kami ng topic as my parents talked about some work-related stuff.

 

 

Two weeks.

 

Still nothing.

 

Baka nga tama ‘yung friends ko. Maybe the waiting I am doing is pointless.

 

But I just want a proper reply. Kahit na rejection pa, I am ready to accept it. Alam ko naman ‘yung pinasok ko when I confessed.

 

I just want assurance that we’d remain friends.

 

But it’s not looking like that right now.

 

While I’m staring blankly sa Messenger inbox ko, I received a message from a quite unexpected person.

 

Yeonjun [8:31 p.m.]: Helloo

Yeonjun [8:31 p.m.]: Napakarandom ko mag-message. Pasensya na haha. Musta?

 

Right, ang out of the blue