“Yeji, I have a question,” I put down my utensils as I spoke to the person sitting across from me.

 

It’s finally Friday, and bukas na ‘yung outing namin with Winter and her friends. Since our group volunteered to buy snacks, I went out with Yeji today after our last class for the semester since we’re the least busy. We’re now eating here sa condo ko after namin mag-grocery. Gigi will drop by here later after ng class niya, and we’re sleeping sa kanila.

 

“Sure,” she tilted her head a little and raised her eyebrow. “What is it?”

 

The thing is the thought of Winter has been bothering me for days now. Weeks actually. Since that talk with Gigi. Pero I found myself thinking more about her since last week? It’s kind of embarrassing na nga because I’ve been staring at her quite a lot this week sa classes namin. Mostly goodbyes and submissions na lang naman ng final requirements ‘yung ginagawa namin to cap off the semester so hindi nauubos ‘yung oras ng class. We’re always dismissed early.

 

And it’s so annoying because it’s the only time I get to spend with Winter lately. She’s either with her orgmates or Somi during lunch or after class. Well, most of the time with Somi. Which makes it more annoying. Annoying might be an understatement, actually.

 

“How did you know that you like Ryujin?” I finally decided to take Gigi’s advice. It’s probably best to talk with Yeji about this. “Or girls? Or how do you know you like a person in general?”

 

She smiled at me knowingly. As if she knows who I am pertaining to.

 

“It’s Winter, isn’t it?” Of course, she knows. “You know, hindi ka subtle, girl.”

 

“Why do you all know?” Gigi, Yeonjun, and now Yeji. What do they see when I, myself, am not sure about it yet?

 

“Even though sa isang class ko lang kayo classmates, I always see the way you look at her.”

 

“What do you mean? What’s with the way I look at her?”

 

“Like you’re so amazed sa lahat ng ginagawa niya. Kulang na lang maging heart na talaga shape ng eyes mo.” She giggled. “At first, I didn’t think much of it pero madalas na kita mahuling nakatingin sa kanya. One time, I borrowed a pen from you but you’re so busy staring at Winter, you didn’t even hear me agad.”

 

“What?” I’m surprised. Ganun ba talaga ako? I don’t even remember that. “When was it?”

 

“Some time after midterms? I don’t remember when exactly,” Yeji looks like she’s thinking deeply but she brushed it off. “It doesn’t matter anyway. The point is you’re that obvious. I kind of confirmed it when I saw your reaction nung nag-lunch tayo before and RJ talked about Somi.” We both stayed silent until Yeji spoke again.

 

“But to answer your initial question,” she started. “Cliché answer, Rina, pero you’ll just find yourself thinking about that person. A lot. Even sa mga pinaka-random na moment. You know when it hit me? Kay Ryujin?” I shook my head.

 

“I was in Booksale, then nakakita ako ng Sudoku. Siya kaagad naalala ko kasi hobby niya ‘yun nun. Then I realized. I remember every little detail about her. It’s more than friendship na para sakin.”

 

This is what Yeonjun told me too. He told me the night I turned him down na lagi kong nabribring up si Winter.

 

“You’ll always look forward to spending time with that person too. You’ll always want their company.”

 

Check. I always feel that way. The last time I hung out with Winter with only the two of us was ‘yung ginawa namin ‘yung voice over for our presentation. Even though gumawa lang kami ng schoolwork, it’s the happiest I've felt that week. 

 

It’s already disappointing enough that we're not spending that much time anymore with each other, and the feeling just gets worse every time I think na si Somi ‘yung kasama niya.

 

It used to be me. I was the one who was always with her, and I want it to be me again.

 

“So?” Yeji looked at me expectantly, waiting for what I’m going to say. She probably knows what I’m thinking already so I didn’t say it out loud anymore. I’m sure now.

 

Now that I’m realizing things, everything is becoming scarier. First, my family’s reaction. I love them a lot, and I highly value their opinion, but what would they say when they find out that I like girls? That’s my biggest worry. Along with what would happen samin ni Winter.

 

Our friendship is something precious to me. Sure, it’s only been a few months, but she already made a huge impact sakin. I couldn’t imagine losing her as a friend, so I probably shouldn’t confess, right? It will just make our relationship awkward.

 

Akala ko the process of figuring it out is already the most complicated, but now, I think it’s what comes after that is more difficult. Parang lalo lang nadagdagan ‘yung problems ko.

 

Maybe this is why it took me this long to acknowledge my feelings. Maybe it’s always been clear, but I’m just scared of the consequences.

 

“It’s scary, ‘no?” I sighed as I nodded at Yeji. “If your worries are bothering you too much, pwede mo naman akong kausapin about it.”

 

“Thank you.” I smiled and Yeji stood up from her seat to give me a side hug.

 

It feels nice. I was nervous because I thought my friends would make a big deal out of this. I’m probably one of the people pa siguro na least expected nila to not be straight. But Yeji’s reaction made me feel at ease and comfortable about this so I really appreciate her.

 

“Something’s different sa aura mo today,” Giselle, who's busy driving, said.

 

“Who?” I am not sure if she’s pertaining to Yeji or ako ba?

 

“You.” She glanced at me. “Did something happen?” She shifted her gaze to Yeji through the rear view mirror.

 

“Si Rina na bahala magsabi,” Yeji replied.

 

I don’t know if this is the right time to tell Giselle because she’s driving, at duh, I don’t want her na mawala sa focus. But at the same time, gusto ko na sabihin because she’s my best friend, and I just want to say it out loud.

 

“I like Winter.” Silence. “I mean ayun ‘yung nangyari. I realized it after ko kausapin si Yeji like you advised.”

 

“Finally.” I looked at her, and she had a proud smile on her face. “Congrats on figuring that one out, but what’s your next step?”

 

Next step? Like I thought earlier, I have none at the moment. If there’s anything, it’s literally to just shut my mouth, and admire Winter from afar. Actually, not from afar. That’s too dramatic since we’re close friends naman. But right now? I’m not planning on doing anything regarding my feelings. I’ll just keep it to myself (and my friends), and just hope na mawala rin ‘to someday. I don’t want to lose Winter. Just the thought of confessing and things between us changing for the worse is so scary.

 

“Nothing?” I reluctantly said, and then I gauged their reactions. Gigi’s smile disappeared, and even Yeji is looking at me as if she’s asking if I am serious.

 

“You’re so naive.” I can hear frustration sa boses ni Gigi. “I’m pretty sure it’s mutual, Rina.”

 

“There’s no way.” I laughed bitterly. How I wish ganun nga ‘yung case but I highly doubt it. Talking about this made me think of Winter and Somi together again, and it’s… making me jealous.

 

“You’re the only one who thinks that way. Diba, Yej?” Gigi sought Yeji’s opinion, and I tilted my body to look at Yeji na nasa backseat.

 

“Yeah… I agree with Gigi, Rina.”

 

“Thank you,” Gigi said enthusiastically. “I’m always right.”

 

“You’re really not because that’s just Yeji’s opinion,” I rebutted.

 

“Girl, have you seen the way Winter looks at you? I swear. Nasa mutual pining stage kayo.” My best friend isn’t backing down and is still convincing me that Winter probably feels the same way. “What can you say, Yej? Since ikaw mas nakakakita sa kanilang dalawa than me?”

 

“Yeah, Rina. I think I know Winter enough para sabihin na there’s something about the way she looks at you and the way she treats you.”

 

I would actually love to believe them pero it will do me no good. Hoping would probably just hurt me in the end.

 

“Winter’s just naturally kind. She’s like that to everyone.” It’s true. Wala namang special about her treatment sakin. 

 

I mean even before kami maging friends, she’s already nice to me. Hindi pa kami close back then but she lent me her flannel shirt on the first day of class. She used to drop me off sa condo after class, but she also does that to Sieun and Isa. She’s caring and attentive sakin, but she’s also like that to her other close friends like Ning. She studies with me and helps me sa acads, but again, ginagawa niya rin naman ‘yun sa iba naming batchmates na struggling.

 

All these actions just prove na Winter’s kind to everyone, and that’s one of the things that made me like her.

 

“Hay nako, Rina. You’ll regret it if you don’t tell her. I swear.”

 

“I think I’ll regret it more kung sabihin ko… Besides, there’s Somi, her first crush or whatever. She’s always hanging out with her lately.” I couldn’t help but sigh.

 

“Exactly, first crush. First is the keyword,” my best friend said with emphasis. “Plus, they’re not a thing. Trust me. Someone from our org asked Somi last week about her love life, but she said na wala siya nun.”

 

“And what if they’re keeping it lowkey?”

 

“Why are you so nega? Somi said after that na meron siyang crush but di niya alam if mutual ba.”

 

“I’m not being nega. I’m just being realistic.”

 

If merong someone na nakakareceive ng special treatment from Winter, it’s definitely Somi. I mean she’s always rushing after our class just to go hang out with her.

 

“Rina,” Yeji suddenly spoke. “What if mag-try ka muna before conceding? Like Gi said, there’s nothing going on between Winter and Somi naman eh.”

 

“And not be friends with Winter if she doesn’t feel the same way? No thanks.” I’m content with what we have right now.

 

“Would you really be okay watching Winter and Somi get together without you trying to do anything with your feelings?”

 

One thing about Gigi: she will always know how to provoke me.

 

“Yeah, Rina,” Yeji nodded in agreement. “Unsolicited advice but listen. Nakakatakot, I know. Considering how close you and Winter got these past few months. Admitting your feelings to yourself is nerve-wracking enough so lalo na ‘yung confession. But then you get even more nervous when you think about what happens next. Does this person like me back? If not, then what about our friendship? If yes, what if we don’t last? You can’t help but overthink it, and you end up doing absolutely nothing because of fear.”

 

Right. That’s exactly what I am going through right now.

 

“Pero the thing is, is there anyone who truly knows what will happen tomorrow or sa future? Wala naman. And you will never know what exactly could have been if you won’t take the next step. It’s frightening pero would you really rather live with all these what if questions for the rest of your life than tell Winter that you like her and just see where it brings you two?”

 

“Wow. That’s so profound,” Giselle replied. “But you’re so right, Yej. And Rina, you should really listen to her because that's advice from someone na may jowa.”

 

And me? I am too stunned to speak. Yeji’s got a point. A great point actually. Knowing how much I overthink, my Winter what ifs would probably bug me every single day.

 

“To be clear lang, I am not telling you to confess right away,” Yeji continued. “Do it when you’re ready. Ang gusto ko lang naman sabihin is that sometimes, things are for us. Sometimes, they aren’t. But you will never truly know if you’re not willing to take risks. Everything in life has a risk, anyway.”

 

Yeji rarely gives us lengthy advice like this, but when she does, she always hits all the right buttons.

 

I was quiet for the rest of the ride, and my friends didn’t nag me too. They’re probably assuming na I’m thinking about Yeji’s words earlier, and they want to give me time to process and absorb all of it.

 

But I’m done thinking. Like for real. Thinking alone won’t do or change anything. Yeji is right. I should make a move. I should take that step.

 

“Parang ang bigat ng ere niyong tatlo?” Lia said pagkaakyat namin sa room ni Gigi after eating dinner. Lia and Chaehyun arrived shortly after us. They’re sleeping over na rin because it’s more convenient.

 

“May nangyari ba?” Chaehyun asked, and Gigi and Yeji looked at me.

 

They’re my best friends too kaya I decided to tell them.

 

“Uhm,” I cleared my throat, and I can see Lia and Chaehyun anticipating what I’m going to say next. “I like Winter.”

 

Second time I said it today, and it feels better. I feel more comfortable about it now.

 

I saw the shock on their faces, but they quickly regained their composure.

 

“Wait. Winter. As in Winter, your classmate?” I nodded at Chaehyun.

 

“Nambibigla ka, Rina,” I chuckled at Lia. They really didn’t expect me to like girls, huh? “Pero omg ka. I am so happy for you.” She walked towards me, and engulfed me in a hug.

 

“Same. Grabe. Sobrang happy ko,” Chaehyun joined the hug. And Gigi. And Yeji.

 

“Group hug kasi nagdadalaga na si Rina.” We all laughed at what Lia said.

 

“Chika mo muna. From the beginning. Detailed.”

 

And so I told them. How Winter and I went from mere batchmates who just acknowledge each other’s existence to friends to me having this huge crush on her. With Yeji’s consent, na-share ko rin ‘yung side story about Winter having a crush on Yeji before, which shocked everyone. Yeji is pretty secretive kasi eh. Napansin na rin daw nila that there was tension between Ryujin and Winter nung birthday ko. Anyway, it’s an important detail because to be honest, I started hanging out that much with Winter kasi I felt bad.

 

I felt partly responsible kung bakit di na sila nag-uusap ni Ryujin since I helped my friend and Ryujin get together, which led to Ryujin and Winter’s friendship falling apart. And since then, Winter’s alone most of the time, and I wanted to keep her company.

 

So because of that, I got to know her more, and I found myself enjoying spending time with her. From studying together both in person and virtually to having lunch together to feeding strays around the campus together to talking about stuff sa Sunken Garden. Every single time, kahit anong gawin namin, I always enjoy it as long as I’m with her. But lately, we haven’t been spending that much time together because first, Yeonjun started courting me. Now that he stopped, Winter’s always with Somi naman.

 

“Wait, wait, wait,” Gigi suddenly interrupted me. “Ngayon ko lang na-process, but this is my first time hearing about the UP Fair story?”

 

Yeah. I haven’t told any of my friends about that day with Winter. The day we started to become close.

 

“Uy, oo nga. Ang cute na starting point pa nun. Valentine’s Day pa talaga.” Lia and Chaehyun squealed together.

 

“You went pa rin pala? That day RJ and I invited you, diba? RJ invited Winter too. They both said na mag-aaral daw sila, pero nag-date pala,” Yeji teased.

 

“It was not a date.” I wish it was. While I’m looking back sa memories namin this sem, I can’t help but feel butterflies. Well, baka pwede naman na i-consider ko na as date sa imagination ko ‘yung day na ‘yun.

 

“Teka, ako na ‘yung kinikilig nang sobra sa mga kwento ni Rina,” Chaehyun lightly hit my arm.

 

“Right? I swear they’re so meant for each other,” Gigi said.

 

I blushed at that, and they teased me a lot. I continued my story, and I told them about how Yeonjun kind of knows, and about how it’s partly the reason he stopped courting me. Sabi nila a guy like Yeonjun is rare daw because he’s understanding and not entitled. I told them everything hanggang dumating sa point ng realization ko earlier.

 

“Rina, based talaga sa mga kwento mo, feel ko mutual talaga ‘yan. Baka close friend lang si Somi talaga,” nauna si Chaehyun magsalita after my long story.

 

“Agree,” Lia nodded. “Kaya kung ako sayo, aamin ako. Go for it, girl.”

 

“I will when I’m ready.” My friends cheered and said na proud sila kay dalagang Rina, and tackled me into a hug once again.

 

We’re already here sa gas station sa SLEX where we agreed to meet. According to Yeji, malapit na rin daw sila Winter, and I’m getting a little nervous. This is what it feels like to have a crush pala. You’ll become 10x more self-conscious. I can’t help but look at myself sa front cam ng phone ko every now and then.

 

“Rina, maganda ka na. Wala ka na ring muta,” Lia said as she leaned closer sakin, and everyone in the car burst into laughter.

 

“Shut up.”

 

“You’re really a dalaga na. I feel like a proud mom,” I lightly slapped Giselle’s lap.

 

As soon as Winter finished parking sa tabi namin, I excitedly rolled down Giselle’s window. I’m just that excited to see her.

 

“Good morning,” I greeted her with a huge smile that I can’t control. I must look very stupid right now. She greeted me back, but when I saw who’s sitting beside her, my smile dropped.

 

Somi. Again.

 

Yeji and Ryujin greeted each other too, and when we got out of the car, they flirted agad. These love birds really.

 

And here I am, fighting the urge to hug Winter like that too.

 

Speaking of Winter, I noticed na hindi pa siya bumababa sa car niya. Ryujin asked if okay na ba samin na sa McDo na lang mag-breakfast, and we all agreed. She also asked her cousin why she’s still in her car. Segue, but I’m really glad na nag-uusap na sila ulit.

 

Winter pointed to the girl beside her, saying na she’s going to wake her up first and she’ll follow na lang sa McDo.

 

This morning is not off to a good start. I’m already feeling down. I was looking forward to this day pa naman kasi I’ll be with Winter, but ugh.

 

“Calm down, girl. You still have the rest of the day,” Gigi whispered while we were walking. She probably noticed.

 

After a few minutes, the two of them finally joined us here sa McDo, and Winter is sitting so far from me. I hate it. I’m not used to it.

 

Since I am sitting sa dulo, I volunteered to get our orders. Ryujin and Chaehyun came with me sa counter. But I must be so out of it this morning, and nadala ko phone ko instead of leaving it sa table. Now, I’m struggling with this tray.

 

“Tulungan na kita.” Someone took the tray from me, and it’s Winter. I looked at her, and she’s so close. I suddenly felt shy and thank you was all I could say.

 

Gigi and Yeji smiled widely at her when she put down the tray sa table, and Lia and Chaehyun were kicking my foot under the table naman while still engaging in a conversation with Winter’s friends.

 

All throughout breakfast, I’m just trying to steal glances at Winter. Winter yawned, and she suddenly looked sa direction ko. She looks so cute, and it seems like she’s trying to hold her yawn back pero hindi niya na siguro napigilan. She laughed, so I laughed too.

 

I looked at her food, and I noticed na wala siyang drinks. Maybe I’ll buy her coffee bago kami umalis because she’s clearly a little sleepy.

 

“Gi, go ahead. I’ll buy coffee for Winter muna. Sunod na lang ako,” Gigi smiled at me teasingly before she nodded.

 

It took me quite a long time para lang bumili ng isang cup ng coffee kasi ang tagal umorder ng nasa harap ko, but hey, we all do things for our crush.

 

When I walked out of McDo, the sight that greeted me was Somi massaging Winter’s back. I couldn’t help but raise my eyebrow a bit. 

 

The universe is not really on my side this morning. I just want to pull her away from Winter.

 

I calmed myself down as I approached them, and I apologized for making them wait.

 

“Here,” I handed Winter the cup. “You seemed sleepy there earlier, yet hindi ka bumili ng coffee for yourself.”<