I get a snapchat notification from Zayan.

When I open his blue message, it says, "Hey, call me on Facetime".

I get butterflies and excitedly brush though my hair a little and open up facetime. 

I send him a call and he picks up telling me "Hey, what's up?"

"Hey, nothing much I respond" sweetly.

He is sitting down and his friends are around him. I feel so shy all of a sudden. There is so many friends around him.

I think one of they guys is black and he says hi to me in his deep voice. I get so shy that I just start looking down at my phone and the black guy asks, "Are you texting other guys" which makes me laugh.

"No" I smile and say.

This one skinny guy keeps looking at me kinda weirdly with big eyes and waves hi.

All of a sudden some random girl comes out of nowhere and hugs him good bye and he isnt very receptive and just lets her hug him. I could not believe it. I knew uncomfort was showing on my face and just looked down trying to hide my sadness at seeing him hug other girls. I think he could tell that I was upset about it when he looked at my face and his face feel in surprise. I think he was kind of watching out for my expression. He knew it upset me.

When she left he started saying things like "Why do you look so cute today?"

I could not remember how I responded. I probably started blushing again and was like really.

"Those eyes lips, nose that hair. Your so cute." I think I remember him calling me his babe too but I am not sure.

He was saying all that with his friend there. I think it might have been the white one.

It made me feel so giddy.

***********************

A few weeks later maybe, or a week, I can not remember. It honestly has been so long. We are facetiming again and he brings up, "I went to a party last night".

Suddenly, I remember the snaps he sent me of him at a party and honestly he looked kind of awkward there just gangly walking around.

He tells me, "This girl that I met at the party keeps texting me".

"Oh really?"

He shows me a picture of the girl sending him a pic of her body and makes a face like its so weird. Honestly, the whole ordeal makes me feel so uncomfortable. What is he talking about with that girl for her to be sending him pictures like that? After he makes a weird face, as if he does not want that attention, he responds normally to her. I can not remember what he said exactly but whatever it was, I remember being shocked. How could he be fake like that? Act like its weird that shes snapping him and sending him pictures of her body but then respond to her normally. 

That should have been my red flag there but for some stupid reason I kept choosing to see the good in him.

Then he tells me, "She told me that we made out, maybe a little more", I think he saw the surprised/upset look on my face and adds on, " I can't remember. I was so drunk but that's what he said apparently happened". I could not remember exactly what more they did but for some reason I feel like he might have touched her body a little like her chest and stuff.

I do not know why I did not think much of it. Why I kept seeing him as truthful and innocent and letting things slide. Maybe it was because he's a . I have no idea. But there was so many red flags I ignored maybe because I kept thinking, it is fine because he's still a . But who knows, maybe the whole time he was not even a . I will never know for sure.  There were so many red flags I ignored. I knew we were not official but why was he going to parties and making out with some other girl when he was flirting with me? Why did I let that pass. Because I kept secretly thinking that he still wanted me and the issue was we just had not met yet and made things official?

***

There were so many times that he called me bae but one day I mentioned it saying I thought he was my bae and he said well we have not met yet. I do not know if it was to get me out to meeting hi first , he was making a push for it who knows. But he was saying something sweet and I told him that I felt like saying I love you to him and he was like really, but we have not met yet. And the whole bae thing. He was full of red flags and I was choosing to not see any of them, justifying his bad behavior. Maybe he just really wanted to meet.

I remember once, I told him how shy I was about meeting. He responded in a text "You need to go out, make friends, meet new people. Get out your bubble and socialize". I felt like he knew me when he was saying all that stuff. Like he could see right through me, past my social awkwardness and still want to work it through with me. It made me feel safer and closer to him, knowing that despite him know about my social awkwardness, he wanted to work on it and help me out and still liked me. My social anxiety is something I was always very self conscious of and it made me feel more comfortable that he was accepting of it. Hmm maybe it was a way of trying to get me out to see him and socialize though.