Arhaam and Aaron end up leaving and it is just Zaayan and Karim and I left in the room. 

I am in bed with Zayaan when Zayaan starts tickling me. I shriek out in laughter and my tummy ends up being exposed when I raise my arm and my hoodie goes up.

"Ooh your tummy" Karim says and he adds on to tickling me.

Zayaan does not seem like he feels too comfortable with this but says, "Teamwork" with a smile as if he is cool about it.

Then we decide that it is getting late and decide to leave.

Arhaam is back in the room by this point.

Zayaan and I am standing up now and Zayaan bends down for another kiss. I have my arms around his neck and while he is kissing me he slaps my lightly repeatedly. Wow does he like my or something? My is not even big or nice since I don't work out but maybe I have something more there than I thought. Hmm.

"Hey," Karim says, "I have to head out. My dad is expecting me". Wow I did not expect him to be such a docile son.

"Okay" Zayaan says.

"Bye Ji Eun" Karim says.

"Bye" I say with a smile and wave him off as I hug Zayaan.

Karim notices me hugging Zayaan.

"Can I get a hug too? I mean, I feel like we known each other. What we've seen each other three or four times already?" I did not realize that seeing someone three our four times was his or anyone's expectation of knowing someone but now that I am a little older now, I realize how busy people can get  and that seeing each other 3 or 4 times is actually a lot and enough to know them to an extent considering how I see my new boyfriend's friends like once a year now.

I, being such an overly respectful person ask Zayaan, "Can I hug him"

"Your asking him?" Karim asks in surprise. I don't know why he was so surprised. Was I that wrong to ask? Was it that weird or naive.

He makes a face and looks away and I don't hear him saying yea but apparently Karim says, "He said yes" even though Zayaan seemed a little uncomfortable with it.

"Okay" I say and I hug Karim. It feels kind of nice.

"Thanks Ji Eun" he says.

I honest cringe now looking back on it. Why did I ask him Zayaan if I can hug Karim. I can not believe that Zayaan took my loyalty to him for granted like that. He does not realize how lucky he was to have my loyalty because being loyal is not easy for a girl. It is so much harder for men now that I disrespect him. This guy was really out here flirting around behind my back with other girls. I can not believe that I gave him so much respect to the point that I asked to hug his friend in front of him when he would never do that for me or even think to. When he was out here doing way worse and flirting with other girls. He really did not deserve my respect!

Before he leaves I don't know how but things from my bag falls out and Karim takes my sunglasses and wears them. He looks funny.

"Hey give it back" I say and snatch it back.

Arhaam says, "Oooh shes spicy when she wants to be" or something like that.

Then Karim says a final goodbye before leaving.

Zayaan and I head out later on. Before we drive off, Zayaan says, "I have to fill up the car with gas". Once we get there, he asks me for my five dollars so he can pay for the car gas. "Is debit okay?" I ask, taking my credit card out of my wallet.

"Yeah" he nods and then takes my debit card from me and passing it to the man pouring the gas into his car. Then he passes my card back to me.

"I'll pay you back okay" 

"No you don't have to!" I say feeling good about myself.

I feel so good helping him out in this way. I feel like we are on the same level of brokenness and I love it. I feel like he can't judge me if he also knows how it feels to be broke and I actually feel like we are perfect for each other even more. Just two broke young college kids enjoying life together and being happy in each other's presence. But looking back, how can he have the audacity to be so smug and make fun of me for being poor when he didn't even have the money to pay for car gas and I had to lend him five dollars.

We then both cross the street and as usual, Zayaan waits with me at the train station.

As usual, we hug, and look into each others eyes deeply and kiss until the subway comes. I feel sad parting ways with him.

Once we get home, Zayaan ensures that I have gotten home like usual, texting me and telling him to call him when I get home. This fills me with relief. I guess a big part of me was scared that he would change and not be so nice anymore now that we have been physical but he is still treating me like a princess which I love.

We get on the phone that night and I say, " I can not believe we just had before marriage..."

I can not remember exactly what he said but I think maybe something along the lines of not to feel guilty and "Hey at least we got it over with" or that it was not actually .

I was feeling the pain walking home but the next day I felt it even more so for some reason. I was struggling to walk. I was sore down there in that area for some reason.

I spoke to him on the phone again and tell him, "It hurts, I try my best to not walk anymore"

"Awe why babe?" he asks.

I cringe remembering myself saying this. Why was I making such a big deal out of hurting? But I did what any girl going through her first time would.

"It hurts to walk. Doing it made it hurt. I can't really walk."

"Awe I am sorry baby that it is hurting babe. I think it is supposed to hurt the first time"

I don't mind the mind though. I just feel happy I lost it to someone I love, am in a relationship with and it was both of our first special time.

I take it easy and do not walk around too much that weekend.

I end up feeling guilty though and start watching videos of going to hell and videos about hell. Then I send him the videos.

"Babe why are you sending me these videos?" he asks.

"I feel guilty about all these sins and doing it before marriage."

"I feel you. I used to feel guilty too but then I stopped caring" Zayaan tells me which made me feel dissapointed that it did not even bother him. That he cared at one point but now he was so jaded that it did not even affect him or he did not even care.

It also felt like a red flag looking back on it...  Why did it not bother him?? This was a sign maybe he had done it before but lied to me... I don't know. 

Also why did he not talk about us smashing more. He hardly said a word about it. Or about our first times. Was it not exciting for him? I expected more considering how detailed Jong Up was about everything. 

But things were feeling real real. Now that we had been so intimate and shared our first times together. I felt like he, this guy was my husband unoficially. Just being with him made me feel happy.