Mixed emotions fill me as he finishes on me and then starts putting his private part in his boxers. I hoenstly can not remmeber how it went down, if he had his private part in his boxers by then but what I do remember staring up at him. Looking up at the guy who just took my ity in shock and dissapointment... and fear. I stared at this guy, him and his small dark face. It looked kind of serious at the time. Maybe he was tired from . I hear guys get tired from .  But I was just taking it in thinking, Wow, this is the guy I have just lost my ity to. This is the guy who  I am going to be attached to for a while... Maybe forever. This is it. This is the guy. I can do it. I will be fine if he leaves me. At least I got it over with and lost it to another . I will be okay if things do not end well.

Somehow, I knew that my fate was to remember this guy forever. Somehow I know I would get hurt by this guy. It is like I saw it coming. I saw my future obsession coming, knowing who I am. That I would remember this guy Zayaan for a long time and be obsessed. If anything were to happen... I would be done for. This was the guy I would be stuck on and remember the rest of my life and be crazy about. There was no backing out now. Knowing myself, especially to a guy I had my first time with, he would always be a special guy to me that I would remember, weather I liked it or not. I was kind of screwed.

In a way, I was kind of not impressed. Who was this random guy I just lost it to? He was so random. A guyanese guy with dark skin and a small face. He looked so foreign to me. This was not my bengali guy. This was a guy from a whole different race foreign to me.

Little did I know, I would get attached and he would stop feeling so foreign to me someday.

While I am staring at face, scanning it in, unimpressed by the guy I just lost it to, I think he catches my facial expression, and lack of content, my dissapointment, and his face falls. Later on when he asks me, "Were you satisfied?" I think at that moment he was worried that I was not impressed by my first time, that I was dissapointed. I mean I am not gonna lie. That was way less romantic than anticipated. IT is kind of dissapointing how I lost it. I wish I had at least lost it on a bed. And it was not as special feeling or romantic as I expected. Just two private parts meshing together. I felt kind of like an object that was used but he did make it a lot better by at least attempting to be romantic by kissing me. 

"I feel guilty about having before marriage" I let out.

"Don't feel guilty," he says, looking at me with a serious look on his face. I don't know what he was thinking or meant by that . I guess it wasnt such a big deal to him.

Zayaan pulls up his boxers and starts zipping up his pants again.  

I pull my leggings back on with his help. He helps pull my leggings back on which I find sweet. Then he takes a seat on the sofa. I guess he must have been tired from looking back. I can not remember what I did but somehow I remember ending up on his lap. I think I must have taken a seat on his lap with my legs around his neck. "You have to marry me now" I say, feeling emotional. I know I am going to get attached now. This is the guy. I am done for. There is no questions. We have to get married and end up together since we lost our first times together. I say it to him with a look of vulerability in my eyes and voice. I feel so vulnerable with him now since we had our first time together and were intimate. 

He looks down and does not say anything. I am kind of surprised. He was the one always talking about how he wants to get married so why is he not saying anything now. I don't think I really expected him to at the time or made a big deal out of it at the time. I think I figured he was just thinking and feeling remorseful about what he did at the time, or deep in thought. But now that I look at it, that was such a red flag that he did not say anything right then and there... What was all that I want to marry you talk before... Was it just a show. Did he not mean it or was as serious about it? Was he just saying that and now that he got to smash he does not know anymore? Now that he has me.

We get up and  he says, "That did not count. Next time,  we will actually have ". That was not ? Was that penetration actually not ? Cuz I feel like it kinda hurt! Maybe he was embaressed about his. quick and lame performance. I do not know. But I believe him and it still kinda makes me feel like a but kind of not. I don't know. I feel like he did not go in all the way but I dont know but that was really close. We walk back to the room hand in hand.

We go to the bathroom and I pee again. 

Wow I can not believe I was ready to just lose my ity there. I was so drunk too.

After using the bathroom, we hop on the bed and start watching fifty shades of grey again.

Karim is gone by this point and it is just me and Zayaan and the chinese kid. I think Arhaam was on the other bed watching the television, which was more directly in front of it.

Zayaan and I can not get enough of each other, and cuddling one another.

We are cuddling one another while making out but Aaron is right next to us and he has fallen asleep. He is even snoring. Zayaan and I look at one another. While we are making out and I am still kind of drunk, my leg keeps accidently falling on Aaron who keeps sleeping through it. Zayaan moves my leg out of the way. After this happening a few more times, Zayaan asks, "Want to go on the floor?"

"Okay," I agree, not caring less where we cuddle as long as I am with him and cuddling. I can not get enough of cuddling him and I am so glad he likes cuddling me too. Even after we almost did it he is here showing me affection and I love it. He gets on the floor with his back to the floor and tells me to get on top of him. I get on top of him and we start making out again literally on the floor. Awe he is sacrificing being on the floor just to make out with me.

We are kissing with our tounges when he reaches for my and starts feeling it. I did not think much of it at the time but wow he seems like he was really an person! He is feeling it. Then he starts feeling my underwear. I feel awkard because I have a wedgie but to my surprise, he feels it too and he pulls it to the right position and fixes my wedgie for me which I find really cute. Awe he could tell I have a wedgie somehow and feels so comfortable with my body that he fixes my wedgie? Awe thats so cute! 

Suddenly, he whispers, "Marry me" in my ear.

"Huh, what we can't" I say, taking note of the timing.

"Yeah we can," he says with a smile. I do not know why he says it now all of a sudden. Maybe, he was reflecting on what I told him earlier after we did it.

It feels so romantic saying that and I get the biggest smile on my face. Wow this guy really is for me. He is the one. He is my special person. No one has ever told me that they wanted to marry me before. He is on the same page as me and always thinking of marriage. He wants it to awe. We are meant to be ! Forever! My baby.

I think the fact that us smashing made me more insecure and vulnerable that he did not want me anymore after getting to do all that with me so it means even more that he still wants to be with me and marry me and be in my life. He was not just using me, or saw me physically. He was still being romantic and wants to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me. It is real!