Zayaan's blowing my notifications again when phonecalls when I get home.

We talk for an hour, talking about how much we love each other.

"There is something just so special about you... My exes... They weren't like you. They're not as special and amazing as you" he says. Honestly, I felt weird hearing that at the time. It was my first relationship so I did not know better. Why was he mentioning his ex? It bothered me because I did not even have an ex to compare to. This was my first relationship. But he was out here comparing me to his ex? What was that about?

Now that I look back on it, it was a red flag! To be honest, I am more understanding about it now since I myself have my emotional baggage but I really did not deserve that at the time... I was fresh into my first relationship and it was not right for me to be with someone that already has their emotional baggage and would probably project that on me. I would be full of hope trying to make the relationship work while he would self sabatoge from insecurities and test it, let it destruct. I hated it. I wish I had known better then. I wish I had not overlooked it. But I guess I was caught up over his ity status to not care. Why was he comparing me to his exes in the first place? This could easily be the flip side and work against me. He will start noticing my flaws, compare me to his ex and realize his exes were not so bad after all and want someone more like his ex. I wish I had someone that was on a fresh slate with a open fresh mind like me, not someone like Zayaan, who already had his preconcieved notions about relationships, how they were supposed to be like and how a girl should be. A guy with prior expectations like that will probably not be as patient and willing to make a relationship work. He will leave if he doesnt find what he wants rather than think that is how things are.

However at the time, I was being naive, so I simply just over looked it. I wanted to be happy. I Wanted to forget about JongUp and just focus on Zayaan and if that meant not thinking about his past I would do it. Maybe, if it was not for the fact that I was trying to stop thinking about JongUp I would probably been more skeptical of the red flags that Zayaan shows me. Oh well.

 I remember in the first phone call, Zayaan was saying so many sweet things.

"I want you to be apart of my life forever" he said excitedly.

"Awe baby" I say. I am gushing with enthusiasm. He wants me to be apart of his life forever!! He is that into me?! Awe!! "Me too, I want us to be together forever."

Then he goes on to say, "You'd make a cute little mom".  Awe, we only had like one date and he was already saying that. He was imaginging his life together with me forever and me being a mom already? Even I did not imagine all that. Did guys really imagine becoming fathers when they got with a girl that they were actually into? Was he that into me that he was imagining having kids with me already, me being the mother of his kids. I start to imagine myself pregnant. Was that what he was imaginign? A little pouch on my stomache, and then me holding that kid and looking after it. Honestly, it felt a little weird too, I did not imagine myself becoming a parent anytime soon. I do not want to be there just to produce kids or become they think I will make a good mom. I want the guy to actuallly like me for me.

Then he went on to say, "I want to be by your side forever". That struck me kind of weird, as if he might think that he is doing me a favor just being by my side?? What the hell. What does he think this is. Why is he acting like he is the one that gets to decide that? Like hello. What about me. The current him to say something like, "I want you to be by my side forever" like it is my choice, not his,  I am the main character and decider in this situation and I want him to really want that.

I understand wanting to be forever  together and all tha tbut I was really surpsied that he was already thinking of us being parents. Maybe that should have been my red flag right there that he was falling too quickly. This was even too quick for my taste. I thought that I would come out of that situation just being friends but was jumping to dreaming about having kids together already. What was this. 

"I'd make a mom. I can't deal with responsibilities well" I tell him knowing how irresponsible I am. We were too young, 19 and 20, why was he talking about having kids already? I do not get it.

"You are a kid right now. We both are. We got years ahead of us". That makes me happy that he sees more years ahead of us. He really does see forever with us. Little did I know, this is a tactic guys use when they are thinking of wifing a girl but are not sure at all, they make it seem like it is real, like a stimulation to test how things go and how the girl reacts, but then end up totally leaving the girl. We do have years ahead of us. That makes me happy that he sees it that way and he sees me as a kid. He sees both of us as kids and will be understanding that I am immature sometimes and have some growing up to do. He is talking about spending his whole entire life with me and here I am worried... Worried that I can not because he is not bengali. A part of me feels guilty, almost as if I am leading him on, but little did I know that I was doing far from that. The fact that I even felt a little guilty was telling of how pure my heart was because I knew I would fight for him if I had to, that was how deep my love ran at the time.

"I was going to pick you up in a motorcycle but i was worried that you might get scared."

"Wow, a motorcycle, I think I would have gotten scared". I get scared just seeing people on motorcycles and wonder how they are so brave. I do not want to get into accident. I am so glad that I never got on a motorcycle with him after seeing how many accidents he got into. 

"Yeah that is why I just used my car".

I was surprised that he was planning on making a big show and bringing a motorcycle for a girl he never even met in person. Wow.

"I never ewanted you to leave. I wish I could spend everyday with you. Just come live with me" Originally, I took the just come with me as a joke but later on I realized he was actually being somewhat serious. Little did I realize that our distance and him not seeing me enough is what would rip our relationship apart. He really did want me to come live with him awe! If it was not for my own life, school and my family, I honestly would have went and lived with him. His family seemed nice and I liked his house. It made me so happy that he could already see me living with him and wanted me to be with him that often.

"Awe, I did not want to leave either. I was sad to part ways, I wish we could have spent more time with each other" I say.

"I don't smile that much but just looking at you makes me smile and so happy" Awe I did not realize that I affected his emotions that much! I just can not imagine him not smiling a lot becuase he seems so happy and upbeat. How can he have a Youtube channel where he seems so happy unless he is faking it or  exagerrating his happiness.

"Awee, really, you make me happy and smile so much too!" I say giving some basic responses.

"I feel like I am so clingy" I say, scared that my clinginess will scare him off.

He tells me, "I like that you are clingy because I am clingy too". My . Little on, little did I know that he would end up telling me that I was actually too clingy.

"Awe that is great, I like clingy guys," I tell him.

"You do huh. I love you. I miss you so much" he tells me. I can not believe he is using the love word on the phone now! I remember before we first met in person, he was confused how I can say love without meeting him yet. Or maybe that was just his excuse to meet in person. To make me come out. To see me first. Even when we were in person, I said it first but he hestitated, then told me that he was scared to say it... But was it the truth? Was he actually scared or did he naturually feel like it was too soon? Either way whatever, I am glad he was saying it to me a lot not it made me so happy.

"When you left, It felt like a part of me was missing".

"Awe that is so sweet!" Awe, he sees me as a part of him ,that closely entertwined with him? I really should have known he's crazy when he was saying all that.

"I love the way that you fit in my arms". Awe, I did not think of it that way. Of the way I fit in his arms. I just really liked the size difference. Maybe that was what he was referring to. I am glad he liked it and did not find it weird.