. It’s like mercilessly punching a hole in one’s body, from where one keeps losing life. Or maybe it’s the other way round. The hands of death strangle, cutting you off from the spring of life, squeezing the remaining in you. A second ago everything seems normal. The next second you smell death, you feel its touch, you hear the clock ticking.

The clock is ticking…

It’s been more than 3 months… I can’t believe it…

The same sun is shining. The same moon, the same stars are illuminating the night sky. The same driver takes me here and there. The same iPod accompanies me everyday. The same Mac greets me in my room every evening…

Just life’s no longer the same.

I can’t breathe. The air is so heavy.

I can’t sleep. The night feels so chilly. My dorm feels so cold… so empty… so hauntingly quiet…

I can’t compose songs. Music, rhythms, melodies, tempos, lyrics… now feel so alien to me…

I know. And I have accepted. Going forward… I won’t be able to love anymore...

Only when you have seen heaven, can you truly feel hell. I haven’t only seen heaven. I was in a paradise… with an angel. I was even loved by the angel…

Now… my life is over…

I hope he has started a new life.

……

A drop of tear stains the leaflet I’m reading.

“Hyuk… Stay strong…” The person sitting opposite me takes my hand.

We’re in a canteen. I brush my tears away and look up.

Lee Hyukjae. You shouldn’t be thinking about him now.“Thanks Kyuhyun.”

My phone beeps. We both jump.

I take it out. I freeze. I shiver. My eyes widen. My heart pounds heavily against my ribcage. From head to toe I’m sweating. I choke and pant like having asthma attack.

My face must look very pale. I must look terrible. Concerned Kyuhyun comes to sit next to me. “What is it Hyuk?”

I cannot move. The cellphone is still glaring at me. I can’t take this…

I tremble even more. The ringtone is like squealing in my head, urging me. No…

Kyuhyun clasps my wrist in his hand. “Should I answer it for you?”

He tries to take the phone. Desperately I clutch at it and shake my head.

With all my might finally I manage to utter a word. “… No…”

……

The beeping stops. I sigh with relief, closing my eyes. My body goes limp and sinks into the chair.

……

And the phone beeps again.

I gasp and sit up with a jolt. I take a deep breath, making sure my voice would come out steady. “Noona.”

“Hyukkie! Come down here…”

Quickly I stand up, indicating to Kyuhyun we should go.

……

Room 528. Intensive Care Unit.

I open the door. Umma and Sora are sitting by the bed, on which Appa is lying. Umma is holding Appa’s hand. Sora is hugging Umma and patting her shoulder.

I grab a chair and sit on the bed’s other side. Kyuhyun wants to do the same. But then he hesitates and comes to stand next to me.

It’s the first time in months I smile… when I see Appa’s eyes shift and blink. One week after the attack, Appa has come round. “APPA!”

I take Appa’s hand. I hold it tight. It feels so… weak…

It’s like yesterday… when I was still a kid. Appa was my hero. He’s the superman. Appa could do anything. Appa always succeeded. Appa never failed to awe me with wonders. There’s no problem Appa couldn’t solve. There’s nothing too difficult for him. Appa’s the superman who had been protecting us and leading us and encouraging us and giving us hope.

Since when… did superman enter a movie and become a hero there? Only there?

Why is life so hard…?

It’s very quiet in the ward.

I hear the clock ticking…

“…Hyukkie…”

“Yes Appa…” Even though silence has stagnated the ward, I have to lean in to hear.

For some time we stare at each other. I instruct my face to widen my smile. Appa continues. “Sorry… to put such a burden… on…you…”

I shake my head. I tighten my grip on Appa’s hand. “Appa you will get well. What do you want to do? Where do you want to go? I’ll go with you. We all will go together Appa.”

Not sure if I’m imagining it. I feel Appa struggle to squeeze my hand. I see his eyes glistening. I see sorrow. I see regret. I see reluctance.

“You’re still so young… Hyukkie… You should be… pursuing your dream… But Appa is… holding… you back… I’m… so… sorry…” Appa’s voice is trembling. It hurts so much to hear that.

Pain gathers at my throat. I sniff. “I have no other dream but to stay with you Appa! You will get well! The doctor said moving here your situation would improve. It’s just you’ve been working too hard. It’s my fault! Going forward I will help more. Just give the work to me. Just rest and not worry about the company or the business anymore. Appa… Appa…”

Tears stream down my cheeks, Appa’s as well. I extend my hand. I want to dry Appa’s tears. I want to take away his pain. I want to lift the burden from him… so that Appa can rest, can breathe, can smile, can sing, can laugh, can walk, can run, can fly… can be a superman again…

“Hyukkie… Having you as my son… I can’t ask for more…”

“But I have something to ask Appa. Please get well soon!” I lean in and kiss Appa on his cheek.

Appa… Please always be my superman…

……

It’s been a long day… a long week… very long months…

In hell… it takes a great deal of effort to endure every second…

The doctors do further checks. Everyone is more than relieved hearing that Appa’s situation is stabilizing. Even in hell… there can be miracles… when you believe.

Our driver takes us back home. On our way we drop Kyuhyun off in front of the house which is close by as well as far away; which belongs to a family closely related yet at the same time like strangers to us.

“Bye Auntie Lee. Bye Noona. Bye Hyuk.” Kyuhyun gets off.

I wave Kyuhyun goodbye. Turning my head I see Sora eyeing the house disdainfully. When she realizes me looking at her she pouts and puffs her cheeks out.

Upon arriving our house I drag my body up the stairs, down the corridor and into my room. It’s too late to go back to my dorm. I’m staying at home tonight.

I’m tired to my bones. Even my ligaments and cartilages are exhausted. No need to mention the degree of fatigue soaking my mind.

Again shower does me good. As I towel my hair dry walking out of it I see my cellphone’s signal light flash.

I’ve totally forgotten what happened earlier today. Without thinking I check my voicemail.

“……” Nobody speaks. But I know immediately who’s on the other end.

Nevertheless I try to fool myself. Lee Hyukjae… It can be anybody…

Before my knees fail me I stumble along and sit on my bed.

And then the sound of someone sobbing comes out of the phone…

My heart sinks. The weigh of the pain, the hurt, the desperation, the sadness, the bitterness, the torments is so heavy it pulls my whole person down. I’m like drowning.

It’s entirely my fault…

“… Hyuk… H… Hyuk…”

No…

The ache in my heart grows so intense I feel like dying. His sobbing is suffocating me. I collapse onto my bed. It hurts… It hurts so much…

“… Why…? Hyuk…”

Tears come out of my eyes. Sharp, scorching claws scratch the back of my throat.

“… You lied right…? When… you said… you… d… don’t… love… me… Hyuk…”

Tears flow unceasingly.

“… Why…?”

I close my eyes. I choke on my tears.

“… Tell me…”

Hae… I’m sorry…

“Hyuk… Please… I beg you…”

No…

The pain feels like an execution.

“… Hyuk… even… even if… you're... not… c... coming… back…”

The blade presses into and cuts open my heart…

“……”

The blade twists.

He cannot speak. For long he’s just sobbing.

“… At… At least… tell me… why… Hyuk…”

The blade is pulled out. Blood gushes… furiously…

“HYUK I BEG YOU!!! TELL ME WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I gasp in pain. I writhe in anguish. I cry out in agony.

……

Hae… I beg you… Just see me as a bastard… and move on…

Forget about me.

Hate me. Curse me. Hold every grudge against me.

Just don’t love me.

When I left, I left all my love with you.

I wish I could take all the pain with me.

The pain I caused you… would forever haunt me…

Lee Hyukjae… the most unforgivable sinner…

Lee Hyukjae… seduced an angel, hurt the angel… and left…

Lee Hyukjae… welcomes all punishments, tortures, excruciations…

Lee Hyukjae… the most unforgivable sinner… is saying a little prayer…

God… crush me with your wrath…

But please set the angel free…

I beg you… I beg you…

--------------------------------

A/N: *gasps, eyes glistening* HYUK!!!!!!!! What am I doing?! Why am I doing this to my bias?! First I took Hae fr him. Then I almost took away his father. And can you imagin the life Hyuk's living? He has to continue w university but at the same time help his father with the business!!!! All the time he has to endure the pain of not being w Hae and worrying about his father's health!!!! HYUK!!!!!!!!!

A/N2: In case you haven't read. I'm sharing my SS4 Paris memories with you here!! ^___^

A/N3: Oh almost forgot! Maybe you're wondering why Kyu is here? It's bcoz... It's bcoz... heehee if u know me u should know I'm not gonna tell u now!!!!! Lately I just like putting Kyu in my stories!!! ^^