Hyukjae: I Only Want You Lee Donghae!
Do You Dare?
I cannot remember how I made it back to my hotel room.
I also cannot remember for how long I have been staring at the ceiling already.
I cannot sleep.
Donghae…
There are things I remember.
I remember Donghae’s eyes, sparkling, charming. I also remember the tears in those eyes.
I remember Donghae’s face, handsome, breath taking. I remember kissing his cheeks. I also remember how the tears on them tasted.
I remember Donghae’s lips, alluring, inviting. I remember my own lips caressing them. I remember them part for me. I remember capturing them, ravishing them. I remember eliciting moans of desire through them. I remember claiming every spot in that hot cavern…
Hae… arr… Hae…
I remember Donghae’s scent, intoxicating, exhilarating. I remember breathing in his scent. I remember myself getting drunk, insane, aroused… thirsting for more…
I remember Donghae’s body, firm and tempting, burning like fire. I remember how his arms pulled me in. I remember my hands uncontrollably d his neck, shoulders, chest, abs, waist, … I remember how they reacted to my touch.
I remember the pleasant tingling feeling in my stomach. I remember how it kindled, roared, and shot overwhelming dose of thrills through my nerves. I remember all my muscles, saturated with lust, screamed in desperation for him.
I remember I wanted Donghae so much at the spot. I remember pressing myself against him, my thigh not so gently exploring his crotch, my clothed member eagerly grinding against his. I remember the moment our members woke up and how hard they became. I remember I went all crazy and rubbed faster and harder… couldn’t wait to get to the next level of ecstasy…
I remember his desires dripping, begging-for-more moans. Arr… Hyuk… HYUK!
Arr… Hae… Arr…
And I remember the aching loss when everything abruptly stopped, the hurt when Donghae pushed me away, the cold when his body left mine.
The hurt in his voice… the pain in his tears…
I remember how chilly the night was.
……
I sit up straight on the bed, panting, my face flaring and my heart pounding. I am tired. But I just can’t sleep. My body is like captivated by the memories of those moments. The images and feelings keep replaying in my head. Not only in my head. All parts of my body.
Over and over again I’m re-living those moments.
I rush into the bathroom, turn the knob and splash cold water onto my face. I keep doing that until my T-shirt is soaked, until all sinful heat is consumed and my body shivers to the cold. And then I look up at myself in the mirror, fists clenched. Just how much I want to punch this bastard!!
Slowly I let my weakening knees give way, collapse onto the floor, curl into a ball and hug myself tight. I bury my face between my arms, while pain gathers at the back of my throat. I shed tears. I weep. I sniff. I cry.
Lee Hyukjae you biggest IDIOT!! You once had him and you gave him up. It’s all your fault. How hilarious you are! Look at you! How dare you hope that Donghae would come back to you? Would welcome you with open arms?
Recall his slaps. All of them. Feel them all once again!
Recall what he said. His accusations. YOU LEFT WITHOUT ANY REASON!!!!
Oh no. You actually gave your reason. More than once you stabbed him with that. Poor him. What did you say? That you didn’t love him? That you were just curious to know if the super star in the college would fall for you? You put on a cold mask and polished your words with frosty ice. You made sure he’d believe them. And you did a good job. I’d give you this much.
You must think you looked pretty cool. Swallowing all pain and taking all blame, so that he could live a new life.
THEN WHY DID YOU COME BACK?!!!!
And look at what you just did! You almost him! Are you here merely to inflict more pain on him?
You’re so ugly when you cry. How pathetic.
LOSER!
……
I don’t remember how long I cried. I remember the word ‘loser’ echoed loudly in my head.
I don’t remember leaving the bathroom. At some point in time I realize I’m back on the bed and the television is on, and I’m staring at it.
I know I’m not to be forgiven. When I left him, I knew all light would leave me. And I was prepared to continue my life in darkness. I thought it’d be alright.
I never imagined I’d be so lost. I didn’t know I simply couldn’t live. I barely managed to exist. I didn’t know one could miss someone so much… so much that one couldn’t even breathe. The hole in my chest… I can’t describe it. It feels so empty… yet at the same time so heavy… Every day I’ve been counting the seconds… the minutes… No matter what I did, how I occupied my time, how many tasks I completed… something’s constantly missing. I was like drifting in the river of time, didn’t know where I was going, couldn’t find meaning in anything.
I was merely waiting… waiting for the moment to die… or maybe the moment I can live again…
I know I’m not to be forgiven. I know I made the most stupid mistake. I know I hurt you a lot Donghae… I know I don’t deserve a second chance… I know…
Please… But please… I beg you… Please…
All of a sudden I see Donghae… on the screen…
I thought it's gonna to be OK. But… I miss you more and more… And I'm still waiting for you. So listen.
One love… One love…
The memories are beautiful… never let you go…
One love… One love… ALWAYS BE MY LOVE!!!!
……
My song… The familiar melody feels so distant…
“I dedicate this song to its composer, the one love in my life.
“Over the last years I loved you, I hated you, I missed you, I scolded you. I told myself to forget. Yet I also asked myself to reminisce. I did everything I could… to no avail. Today… I’m still living the moment we separated.
“If you feel the same, come back to me. I still love you… Hyukkie…”
……
I’m stunned. So stunned that I sit on the bed like a fool, eyes widened in disbelief…
What are you still waiting for Lee Hyukjae? GO FOR HIM!!! GO!!!!!!!
In no time I grab my jacket and rush out of the hotel room, and then into the streets and crowds.
As I run I can’t help chuckling like an idiot. At times I jump and shout with glee. I just can’t help it. I don’t care if everybody in the streets considers me mentally ill. It feels like I’m finally alive, that the flame of life is revived inside me. I am living!!!
I’m indeed an idiot. Henry already told me about Donghae’s confession in the concert. It’s this piece of information that brought me back. Last night was probably just too sudden for Donghae. Everything will work out. Everything will be fine.
Donghae!
His apartment comes into view. Smile on my face widens.
Donghae I love you! I want to tell you I love you! I want to stay with you. There’s nothing else more important to me. I only want you Lee Donghae!!
I’ve never experienced so much joy in me. No joke. The dose of joy would choke me if my confession towards Donghae waits any longer. My heart’s rejoicing, pumping bliss into all parts of my body. I run even faster.
Upon entering the main gate of the mansion and turning the corner, I bump into somebody. “Sorry. I’m very sorry.”
……
“… Lee Hyukjae?”
“Choi… Choi Siwon?”
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A/N: Super Super Sorry for the Super Late Update!!!!! >_<
A/N2: The kiss!!! I love the kiss so much therefore I wrote it again~~~ kekekekeke~~~
A/N3: How are you all? I have to say... I'm finally doing well!!! Yeah~~ The dark clouds are gone and I'm enjoying the days now!!! My best wishes to you all as well!!!
I know many of you are waiting for the update of DYD. But it will take another week since I will be traveling... >_< SORRY!!!!
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