“Hyung… either way… you won’t be happy…” Henry comes to stand next to me. I turn my head to look at him.

Silence follows. I’m too tired to speak.

“You know what I mean… Siwon Hyung…” Henry pats my shoulder.

I sigh, feeling drained and deflated. Slowly I place my forearms on the railing and lean on it, my fingers locked together. We’re on the rooftop of a hospital. In front of me, a beautiful picture of the sun setting unfolds. I breathe in… and sense a frown between my brows. I lower my head and cautiously breathe out. I dedicate all my concentration to my voice before I respond. “Henry… Thanks. Could you just… leave me alone… for now…?”

Without a word, Henry nods and slips away.

Now I have the whole rooftop to myself. Silence again greets me, together with the wind. I shiver at the cold, yet I remain still. I just keep my head lowered, stare aimlessly at the railing and listen to the sound of my jacket flutter in the wind.

……

Bit by bit…

……

I blink…

……

and heave a sigh…

……

I seldom shed tears. But I can see them splatter onto the railing now. And some time later, I can no longer see anything, just a blurry mess…

I seldom lose control. But now I vividly feel I am falling apart. Shivering, my knees turn soft. Moments later I find myself hugging my knees and burying my face between my arms.

The image flashes again in my head… like lightning… like a cold blade being turned in my chest… The image of Donghae kissing Hyukjae…

It’s not just an image now. It turns into a slow motioned, high-resolution video clip. The way Donghae smiled, the tinge on his cheeks, the longing in his eyes, the joy his face’s beaming with, the sweetness overflowing through his lips… when…, are all being captured and portrayed perfectly.

My heart’s bleeding…

The cold blade turns…

Donghae… did you know… I was there as well…?

No… Donghae… you didn’t see me at all… even though I was holding your hand…

Actually… I was never there… In your eyes Donghae… it has always been Hyukjae… only…

I clench my fists and hug myself tighter.

I was trying so desperately to hold on to the lie… such a beautiful lie… and the hope… a false hope... Yet no matter how brutal it is… there’s just no way to deny the truth…

The truth will always be the truth. Period.

It has always been Hyukjae… only.

Another wave of tears pour down my face. The tears I have been wordlessly swallowing… are now spilling out. I hear myself whimper. I hear my husky voice. I hear my throat scream. My palms echo the pain as my fingers dig into them.

I’ve never known such pain. Its intensity, its weight… are life crushing. For a moment, I just want to give up everything and die…

I’ve never felt so worthless… until the truth is shining bright in front of me…

In Donghae’s eyes… I am nothing… At best… At the very best… a second choice… a backup…

It has always been Hyukjae… only.

How can you be so cruel Donghae!!

I bite my lip until I taste blood. My body’s trembling so vigorously I can’t breathe.

How can you…

How can you…

Choi Siwon. How can you be so stupid? Huh? How could you not see this truth???

How can you…

……

The sun has already set. I’m still at the same place, like an unmoving corpse sitting on the floor and leaning on the wall. The wind’s also the same. Cold…

There’s a limit as to how much you can cry… before you’re dried up inside. Looking up at the night sky, I feel so empty now.

So what’s next?

Henry’s right. Either way… I won’t be happy.

Donghae’s my boyfriend… sort of. He even chose to stay with me. I can stay with him if I like… and be reminded of my worthlessness each and every single moment.

Another option… I can leave Donghae… Just I find it hard to imagine how my life would look like without him. How much I will miss him. Even though I’m nothing to him, Donghae’s been everything to me, my center of gravity, the pivot of my life. The place he occupies in my heart, will forever be empty… Enduring that vast emptiness every day… I don’t want to think about it!

Henry’s right. Either way… I won’t be happy…

I gather myself up, and stride forward.

As I step out of the hospital, where Donghae and Hyukjae are probably still in, I pull my jacket tighter around me. Concealing my face beneath its hood, I make my way through the wind.

I shouldn’t be here… From the very beginning… I shouldn’t have…

-------------------------------

A/N: I'm really a sinner... it took me so long this time... I was working on other fics and then I was tied up with something else. But seriously, this update took me one month. The plot had changed multiple times during this one month... Whew~~~ I hope the story is evolving well~~~

A/N2: I didn't expect this when I planned this fic. It's a Eunhae fic. But now I really feel... Siwon is the main character here. And I've never expected I'd cause Siwon so much pain!!!