Love is not about who you can live with. It’s about who you can’t live without.

I really can’t live any longer. I can’t take it anymore. No matter what. No matter how. Get me out of this. Anywhere else would be better than dwelling in these torments. I beg you. Get me out of all these!

Here I’m like immersed in the strongest acid. The acid erodes my flesh. It chars my bones. It burns every single part of my body. My tears are nothing to dilute the concentration of the pain. It’s just… it doesn’t kill me. This I have to take into my own hands.

In my dorm, in total darkness, in total despair I see a glimpse of hope. On the table, cold edge of the razor gives out a faint glow. I’m determined… even though my hand is shaking. Reaching it out I touch the razor. It’s cold.

Donghae! No!

I halt upon hearing his voice in my head. This shouldn’t be the case but the pain just grips me even tighter. I tremble even more. With my fingers I pick up the razor. Hyukkie… do you know what happened…?

Feeling his presence triggers more pain and sorrow and bitterness and loneliness and helplessness in me. More tears stream down my cheeks. Hyukkie…

No matter what happened. Don’t do this Hae! I beg you! No!

He sounds desperate. Unceasingly I sob. Hopelessly I shake my head. Weakly I put my left arm on the table, palm up. I hold the razor tighter and slowly move it to above my left wrist.

Hyukkie… where are you? When I needed you the most… WHERE’RE YOU?! I really need you Hyukkie!! RIGHT HERE AND NOW!!! COME AND STOP ME!!! NOW!!!

Silence.

A bitter smile forms on my lips. I sigh. He proclaimed my death sentence long ago. Lee Donghae look how stupid you are. How pathetic you are!

But no more. And it doesn’t matter. I was already rendered a walking corpse. And now I’m transforming into a sleeping corpse. There’s no difference. Once again I focus my eyes on the glimpse of hope on the razor blade…

LEE DONGHAE I LOVE YOU!!!!!!

LEE DONGHAE I LOVE YOU!!!!!!

LEE DONGHAE I LOVE YOU!!!!!!

LEE DONGHAE I LOVE YOU!!!!!!

LEE DONGHAE I LOVE YOU!!!!!!

LEE DONGHAE I LOVE YOU!!!!!!

……

The room is furiously shaking, spinning. His screams reverberate loudly, continuously in the room. Startled I drop the razor onto the table. I myself fall off my chair, feeling sickly disoriented while I struggle to get up…

……

Something wakes me up. Maybe it’s the silence. Maybe my phone beeps. Maybe someone presses the doorbell. Maybe people next door talk too loud.

Or maybe it’s the cold. I roll and groan. Door is closed. Windows are shut. Blinds are lowered. Lights are eradicated. My head aches. My every muscle is protesting. I’ve never been this dizzy…

My eyes open wide when I find myself lying in a pool of blood…

Heart pounding, rubbing my fingers together I feel the liquid… which turns out to be too thin to be blood. Sighing in relief I discover that I’m ridiculously soaked. The liquid, which I believe is water, is dripping from my hair, trickling down my face and neck. From beneath, cold is seeping through my shirt and flesh into my nerves.

I hear the shower running. Only then I remember I need to take a shower. I’m dirty… so dirty… I feel sick. I want to throw up. It’s disgusting… awfully disgusting. My every cell spells U-G-L-Y…

I shudder. Reflexively I hug myself tight, which doesn’t make me feel the tiniest bit warmer.

Hyukkie… if one day you come back … and find me like this… will you… will you… Maybe you shouldn’t come back…

In the core of me a spark of flame is ignited. Painstakingly slowly the pain eats me from within… bit by bit…

……

All of a sudden someone bangs at my door. At the same time my phone is shrilling. Its signal flashlight glares at me like a demon. I hear my name. “DONGHAE!!!”

Ryan! No!

Immediately I’m on the verge of losing my sanity. My heart has already gone insane. It’s screaming and galloping uncontrollably inside. My nerves are all jolted and bundled. Fear in the form of electricity is saturating them. My muscles are either paralyzed or out of control.

I want to scramble myself up but I stumble and end up crawling. Desperately I make my way into the bathroom. Closing the door proves to be a difficult task. Locking it seems like an impossible mission. My hands are trembling so vigorously I only manage to make noise gripping the doorknob. Tears of despair surge out of my eyes. Come on!! Lock it!! Just lock the door!!!!

It feels like forever. Banging sound continues to fuel the fear and dread. Sound of my shaky hands scratching the doorknob adds to the desperation and frustration. The shower is still running. My heart continues galloping. I’m breathing heavily. I’m sobbing helplessly.

I collapse onto the floor when finally my thumb hits the right spot and the soothing click ripples into my ears.

Just when I am about to close my eyes and surrender to the exhaustion, outside the bathroom the door of my room is banged open. “DONGHAE!!”

Panic squeezes the last bit of strength out of me. I crawl into the shower and slide the door close. I curl myself into a ball and let the warm water pour down on me. I press my palms against my ears. Adding to my shuddering and my heart’s galloping, my teeth are chattering.

No! NO!!! Leave me alone!!! GO AWAY!!!! GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

……

I scream and struggle like crazy when claws like steel attempt to chain me again. Like a terrified prey I bite my hardest into that arm, earning a loud gasp.

“DONGHAE HYUNG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I freeze right away.

With hollow eyes I look at the 2 faces so familiar hovering over me. There’s not only concern in their eyes. There’re shock… and terror… and fluster… and disbelief…

“Henry get him out of here first.” Siwon instructs.

……

I’m sitting on a stool. Siwon sits on another one in front of me. He’s toweling my hair dry while looking at me. Bloodstains can be seen where I bit him. I turn my head and look away.

Minutes later Henry appears and wraps me with a big towel. He grabs a chair and settles beside Siwon.

Nobody speaks. I keep tracing the patterns on the floor, all the way being fully aware of their eyes on me.

“What happened?” Softly Siwon asks.

“Nothing.” Abruptly I answer.

With worried eyes Siwon looks at me. “Donghae. You’ve disappeared for a week.”

“I need a break.” I tighten my lips.

Siwon takes a deep breath. “What’s with all the bruises? And wounds?”

“I fell down the stairs.” I clench my jaw.

“Hyung…” Henry wants to say something but Siwon stops him.

Siwon hesitates before continuing. “Donghae. What’re you doing in the shower?”

I lower my head further. “Just… taking a shower…”

“With your clothes on?” I sense pain in Siwon’s voice.

I answer no more. I remain unmoving.

“And why did you bite me? What made you so terrified?” Siwon’s voice is shaking.

I beg you Siwon. Stop asking.

“And… what are you doing with the razor… Donghae?” He sounds like weeping.

Tears stream down my eyes.

Siwon claps a hand onto his mouth and lets out a whimper.

“Donghae hyung. It can’t be…” Henry shakes his head in disbelief.

“Henry we need to take him to the hospital. Go and get a taxi.” With finality in his tone Siwon stands up and starts to carry me onto his shoulder.

I gasp and look up with horrified eyes. Frantically I shake my head. “No! I’m fine! I’m not going to the hospital!”

“You’re going.” Siwon lifts me up.

I keep struggling. I keep punching him. “NO!!!! NO!!!! NOTHING HAPPENED!!!! NOTHING HAPPENED!!!!”

I cry. I yell. I scream. I plead. I beg. I threaten. I scold. I bite. I kick.

I’m like a convict being carried to the execution ground.

No Siwon… No…

I can’t take this… I can’t!!!!

Don’t make me face it. Release me…

I won’t be able to take it… No…

----------------------------

A/N: I was feeling down for some time after finishing the previous chap. And I received a lot of threats... =p

A/N2: And I had to work on this fic first. I was so in the mood... For the whole last week I was feeling what Donghae's feeling!!!

A/N3: Honestly. We all ship Eunhae but really Siwon is a gentleman in this story. And Henry is a lovely dongsaeng!!!!