It’s been months.

And Donghae has stopped answering my calls. He refuses to talk to me.

And finally…

Finally I know what I’ve done. Finally I understand what I have put Donghae through.

I close my eyes. Finally…

Years back, in that evening when I told Donghae I was leaving, I said I was sorry. Recently Donghae has said the same thing. Hyukkie… I’m sorry…

Back then I really was sorry. Not the way Donghae had probably interpreted… that I didn’t love him. But about how things had developed. That we had met. That it caught me totally by surprise how fierce the attraction turned out to be. That even though the rational part of me had warned million times, I could not conceal my feelings towards him. That our relationship had uncontrollably sprouted. That I was a coward who dared not fight for him and me, for us.

And as if we have switched roles, not long ago Donghae said what I once told him. I don’t love you… Hyukkie… Not anymore…

Did Donghae mean it? What’s with that passionate kiss so unforgettable? He pulled me in didn’t he? He kissed me back didn’t he? And… what’s with that public confession?

I don’t know if I was a good liar. But Donghae certainly was not. So I pointed it out to him. You’re lying Donghae…

Ironically he pointed the same out to me years back.

I lied to make Donghae believe I didn’t love him. And in order to convince me, Donghae gave me his reason… which I knew was a lie. I just wanted to revenge! The confession was… just… a way to lure you back so that…

Donghae couldn’t finish his sentence. After a pout that’s too heart-breaking to see, he burst into tears. I was stunned. Right in front of me, a broken Donghae… suffocated by pain, chained by anger, crushed by bitterness. And through him I saw myself, cause of Donghae’s pain, object of Donghae’s anger, source of Donghae’s bitterness. That’s me, Lee Hyukjae.

I drew a deep breath. Tears filled my eyes as I closed them. Gently I nodded. And more sincerely than ever I said, “Donghae… I’m sorry…”

That just elicited more tears from Donghae. I tried to hug him, to comfort him. Yet right when I touched him Donghae immediately jerked away, like a wounded and scared puppy. I halted, bewildered. Through a constricted throat I whispered, “…Donghae?”

Donghae buried his face in his palms. Vigorously he’s shaking his head. And then all of a sudden, without a word, he took one step back and slammed the door close in my face.

That’s the last time I saw Donghae.

……

Days drifted by. Today I came to realize… what I have actually done to Donghae. I’m feeling each and every single bit of it.

Abandoned. Confused. Pained. Million of questions. No answer. Left with nothing to go on.

Donghae suffered all these when he was much younger…

I sense a bitter smile touch my lips. I can taste it. It’s bitter.

Though Donghae didn’t reveal to me, I can make my best guess… because I’ve done something similar. The love is still there (I hope), but Donghae doesn’t want to be with me. There’s something preventing us to be, and Donghae chooses not to disclose that something to me.

It’s torturing not to know the reason!

And then it hits me. I still haven’t told Donghae why I left… I briefly told Henry. And he might have shared with Donghae. But I myself owe Donghae an explanation.

Without hesitation I rush to my computer to write Donghae an email. I explain to him my family had already decided to move to Canada before we met, that I knew our relationship would only last until the point when I had to join my family in Canada, that I just allowed my course of life to take me where it had always been planned, without putting up a fight.

I also tell Donghae what happened to me in these years. I tell him I inherited my family’s business. I tell him about my cousin Kyuhyun. I leave out Appa’s condition. I skip the battles with uncle Cho. I erase the part about how I’ve been feeling…

Donghae there’s not a single day I didn’t think of you, not a single day I didn’t miss you, not a single day I didn’t blame myself…

While writing I re-live those happy moments we once shared. During the process I make it plain that it’s a terrible mistake I have made. I don’t ask for forgiveness. But I do hope this can bring Donghae some comfort.

And now the final part of my email… the final part of our story…

Donghae… how adorable… how precious you are. I chose not to fight for you. Stupid me! When you don’t show courage, fate won’t show you mercy. I gave you up. I screwed things up. And then I strived hard to get a second chance, to make it up to you. Yet I have come to understand… that a chance is not something you can ask for, but something given to you to treasure. While I let it slip through my fingers… it’s then gone.

Gone… How much I regret, how much the consequences weigh… would not alter this fact. It’s gone.

I have to admit I don’t understand your decision Donghae. However, I understand it’s your decision. You’re not taking me back. I respect it. I accept it.

My last words Donghae. I’m sorry. Truly sorry. My biggest hope now is that your life won’t be hampered by this pathetic detour misled by me. Whatever scars this story has left in you, I pray sincerely that they will all be healed. All tears be dried. All springs of sorrow be sealed. All pain be removed and you will be freed to live a bright, happy life.

This story is over now Donghae. I will take my leave.

Donghae… If one day… one day you have a change of heart, I will be there for you. I will always be there for you. Lee Hyukjae will always love Lee Donghae. Always!

……

I click the “send” button.

And then I call my secretary to book my flight ticket back to Canada.

And then I curl myself into a ball and feel the weight. When love keeps growing in you, and there’s no one you can give, you suppress it; you seal your heart. Yet that doesn’t mean love stops growing. It keeps growing like a furious river behind a dam. The higher, the stronger the dam is, the more unbearable the weight. Unfulfilled love would come back to haunt you and crush you.

I feel crushed. I feel defeated. I’m a loser.

-------------------------

A/N: So all three of them carry on with a lot of regrets... OMG!!! Must the story be like this?!!!

A/N2: I think the next chap will be Donghae's POV named "Every night I cry myself to sleep". It may change though!!! ^^