“Sorry Siwon. I mean… Nice to see you again. Let’s catch up later. There’s something urgent I need to…” Hyukjae vanishes before finishing his sentence.

All of a sudden sunbeams intensify. I feel dazzled and disoriented. Some seconds later I realize I’m heaving and sweating.

“Siwon-si are you alright? We need to get going.” My assistant pats me on the shoulder, and looks at me with concern.

I press my palm on a nearby wall to steady myself. “I’m alright. Yes let’s get going.” I cannot let the crew down. We need to rush to the drama-filming site now, or else the production will get delayed.

In no time we jump into our company van. As the driver starts the engine and speeds forward I spare a glance, at the window of Donghae’s apartment. My palms are firmly pressed together. My fingers are tightly locking each other. I take a deep breath to sooth my all-jolted heart. I close my eyes.

I should trust Donghae… right?

……

But I simply don’t feel right the whole day. I’m not sure if it’s because of the incident, or that I’m really sick. There’s this constant, awful sinking feeling in me, churning my stomach. My face is so pale I have to put on make-up again and again. To make things worse, I’m sweating, and shivering, the whole day.

Filming a drama has never been so painful and difficult. With every might in me I force myself to concentrate, to memorize the lines, to retrieve them from my head and get my tongue and mouth to process them, to mingle with them the right tones and emotions; and during the whole time conquering the sinking feeling which is determined to pull me down.

I dread that my cellphone would beep, that Donghae would “surprise” me with something… would want to talk to me…

But there’s nothing from him.

Nevertheless that doesn’t ease the sinking feeling. It only gets more unbearable.

I continue to drag myself through the day. After the drama filming there’s an interview, followed by a photo shoot, and then in the evening I have to make myself look not only OK, but cheerful and bright in a variety show.

Excruciating is not enough a word to describe the day. In the company van heading home the sinking feeling grows so fierce I cannot breathe. At that moment I realize… just how much… how much I fear about losing Donghae… Mere flashes of these words in my mind shoot lightning to my heart…

Looking up at the night sky… my throat constricts and my nose feels pain. I’m close to tears…

Donghae…

I consider going to Donghae, or calling him. It didn’t take me long though, to call off those ideas. On the one hand it’s already very late. Donghae’s probably asleep by now. On the other hand… I’m not ready to take the terrible news… No…

We have a date tomorrow anyhow. Now let me just sleep… if possible…

……

Donghae finally calls. That ringtone sets my heart galloping, my pulse racing, my blood boiling, my palms sweating and my mind close to crumbling.

I pick up the phone. “Donghae.”

“……”

“Donghae?” Oh my… I’m trembling so bad. Please just say something! I can’t take this…

“Siwon are you alright? You sounded like you’ve caught a cold.” I know I sounded awful. And Donghae sounds cheerful as always.

I breathe in and out slowly before I continue. “No worries Donghae. I’m OK.”

“OK! That’s good! I’m calling to tell you that I’d like to go to another restaurant tonight…” Donghae proceeds to tell me about the restaurant.

And then the conversation ends, leaving me nothing but confused. I don’t know how I should feel. I don’t know what to expect tonight. But before that I have to live through the busy schedule of the day.

……

Now Donghae, my dearest, is sitting next to me on a bench. In front of us is a tranquil river, a dancing silver ribbon reflecting the numerous jewel-like stars dangling from the clear night sky. Out of the corner of my eye I see Donghae smile. That’s a smile warmer than sunrise, lovelier than sunset, purer than the silver moon, more soul soothing than the clear night sky.

They say everyone can make you happy by doing something special. But only someone special can make you happy without doing anything. That’s so true. Donghae’s simply smiling. Yet that means so much to me. It makes me feel so blessed. It gives me so much joy…

And I’ll forget how to breathe if that’s taken away from me… I close my eyes… and tighten my jaw.

“Siwon?” I feel Donghae take my hand.

Reflexively I grab his hand tight, until this overwhelming, dreadful feeling subsides. Weakly I open my eyes. I turn to look at him. “Donghae…”

For a long time I struggle to swallow everything, to pretend I don’t know anything. If Donghae’s not bringing the topic up, why should I? I dread to touch it. I fear that it would trigger something too horrible to imagine.

“I saw Hyukjae.” My voice shakes when this name is mentioned. I decide to confront it because… the incident will haunt me one way or the other. Knowing is better than not knowing…

Donghae’s silent. Something flickers in his eyes. And I feel his fingers stiffen and his body shudder. Just a whisper of the name… Lee Hyukjae… still has such power over Donghae…

My heart sinks. A blade’s pressing against it…

“I’m sorry Siwon…”

Hearing my verdict, the blade cuts into my heart… It… really… hurts. I feel blood trickling down…

“I’ve rejected him. I’m not leaving you Siwon. I’m sorry… Sorry that you need to go through this…” Donghae envelops my trembling hand in both of his.

The whole world stops. I can’t believe my ears…

……

And then Donghae leans in and hugs me, resting his head on my shoulder. It feels like a dream… This has to be a dream… Or…?

I hug him back. I hug him tight. I strain to feel him. I need to feel the warmth of his body, to convince myself this is not a dream. I tremble. I weep. I hear my heart pounding inside me.

“Siwon… I’m not leaving you…” We embrace each other even tighter.

This feels so much better than a dream… any dream… because it’s not a dream! I cup his face in my hands. It’s Donghae’s face… It’s Donghae… Donghae!

Slowly… irresistibly I press my lips onto his. His lips… so soft… so warm… so… real… I smile into the kiss. I can’t help my shivering. In between kissing I taste my own tears… “Donghae… Dong…hae…”

……

I swear! I will cherish Donghae. I will make sure that he lives a good life, that he’s always happy! I swear!

After that evening I work really hard. My schedule is packed to an extent that nobody can believe it. But it’s like I don’t need to rest. Donghae is my strength. With him in my heart, knowing that everything I do contributes to his well-being, is an amazing source of strength in me. At times I do feel tired, all I need to do is to recall Donghae’s adorable smile… And then I’d smile… And then I can get to work.

More to that, everybody says my performance just keeps getting better.

……

Henry wins another award. Donghae insists to treat him dinner. After I park and hop out of my car, I rush into the restaurant. I ask the waiter if the two of them are still there. The waiter points at the VIP room we have reserved. I sigh in relief. I didn’t expect to be so late… But that production director… sigh!

I clasp my hand over the door handle.

“Was it Hyukjae Hyung who just called you?” It’s Henry’s voice. I halt. I don’t mean to eavesdrop. But that name just froze me…

“Yes. He keeps asking why.” Donghae answers.

“Then why don’t you tell him?”

Donghae sighs. “Because I know what he will ask me.”

“What?”

“Hyukkie will ask if I love Siwon.”

“And do you love Siwon Hyung?”

“No.” Sharp and clear… No.

……

Have you ever heard… the sound of a heart breaking? Do you know what it’s like? At that moment I know. And I can tell you now. It’s very soft. Like a click. The click the moment beeping of a heart monitor goes dead.

It’s very soft. Like a click. The click the moment a thread breaks.

It’s very soft. Like a click. The click the moment a candle flame turns into smoke, comes to an end.

It’s very soft. Like a click. Yet it’s powerful enough to drown out all other sounds.

After the click it’s silence. The kind of silence only the deaf can understand.

----------------------------

A/N: Poor Siwon... Y_Y

A/N2: Sorry I didn't proof read!!! I will do it later but I'd like to publish first~~~~ Sorry Sorry~~~