“Hyung please bring more people. As many as possible.” I stress again over the phone.

“Come on Siwon! I’ve already threatened or bribed everybody in my class!” Leeteuk doesn’t bother to hide his annoyance. Can’t blame him. I’ve been asking the same every day.

“… Thanks Hyung… Um… Sorry…” I close my eyes and sigh. I just can’t help it. No matter how much I do, it never seems to be enough.

I hear Leeteuk sigh on the other end. “Siwon we have done all we can, especially you. You know that.”

“Yes…” I repeat what Leeteuk just said in my heart. It refuses to be convinced.

“So let’s keep our fingers crossed and hope for the best OK?” Leeteuk always tries to cheer people up.

“… OK…”

……

I end the call, telling myself once again not to bother Leeteuk for the same tomorrow.

Donghae’s birthday is approaching. It’s next week.

We decide to throw him a party. He shouldn’t be left alone, especially not on his birthday, especially not on this birthday.

The party has to be big. There has to be a lot of people, lots of food and drinks, countless presents, lively and loud music.

Not the tiniest drop of silence can squeeze in. No empty seat, no free space on the dance floor is allowed.

I hope then. I hope… Donghae wouldn’t notice that… somebody… is missing. And of course. Name of that somebody is strictly prohibited.

I hope Donghae will smile. I haven’t seen that for months.

Donghae… Be strong…

……

I meet Donghae the next day in the campus. He’s on his own walking down the corridor. “Donghae!”

He turns around, and commands his face muscles to pull the corners of his mouth up. “Siwon.”

“How’s class?”

“Um… OK.”

“Where are you going? Do you have class now?”

He checks the time. “There’s a tutorial an hour later.”

I have to fill this hour.

“Join me for a drink?” I’m not really giving him a choice. I grab his shoulder and pull him along.

……

The first few weeks after semester started, in the university Donghae continued to be a star. People were frantically talking about him. Everybody threw him glances wherever he went. Many, mainly girls, came to talk to him.

Just like before Donghae was kind to everyone.

But then, it’s like people grew bored of him. Not that people disliked him. Just it’s not like when he’s in college, when his fan base kept growing; when he received confessions non-stop (until he’s taken); when his followers would kill to get close to him.

Donghae didn’t even make many new friends here.

One reason might be university students are more mature.

But the main reason, I know, is that everyone can sense the transparent shield around him. The cheerful, mood-uplifting Donghae is gone. The sincere, heart-warming smile has vanished from his face. When one talks to him, one should celebrate if he/she manages to get a reply longer than 10 words. What’s worse, Donghae wouldn’t initiate any conversation. He’s only there to give short answers to whatever questions he’s asked. And then the conversation ends.

People’s comments are he’s gorgeous, yet he’s cold. Or he’s arrogant.

Well… the period between seeing Donghae shed tears gets longer. One may say he’s coping with the breakup better. I keep encouraging him. I keep telling him to be brave and strong. I hope it helps.

But… it still hurts to see him like this.

Donghae shouldn’t be left alone. No matter how difficult it is, how long it’s going to take, I’m here to help him get over this.

On Saturday I invite him over to work on the assignments together. On Sunday I insist to have him come along to help me pick my new car, saying I cannot decide between Mini Cooper and BMW.

Donghae shouldn’t be left alone.

However the more I’m by his side, the more I feel he’s alone.

It’s so frustrating.

I, Choi Siwon, am not even capable of that. My talking to him, caring about him, accompanying him and all… cannot even earn a smile from him which is not forced. It’s so frustrating.

Every time I see that forced smile, I doubt if I’m merely being annoying here.

My soul is constantly reaching out. My heart has been unceasingly knocking at the door. But his soul only knows one person. His heart is fully occupied by that one person. There’s simply no space for me.

After leaving the car dealer, I drive him back. In my car, as I watch him walk towards his dorm, on his own, my heart feels the chilling coldness of a blade. In contrast my throat feels the scorching heat of a fire.

Is this fair? Donghae?

Even before he entered your world, I was there.

Even before he returned your feelings, I confessed mine to you.

At times when he made you cry, I comforted you.

At times when he quarreled with you, I was there to listen.

Even after he left you, I’m staying by your side.

Even after he broke your heart, I… I… OK I admit. I cannot mend your heart. But I weep with you. I walk with you. I make sure you’re not alone.

Yet every fragment of your shattered heart is blinking an image of him.

Am I really so unworthy to you? Donghae?

Could you just show me the faintest appreciation? Could you just see this as a charity? Could you just smile? A genuine one? Donghae?

Could you just be fair?

I’ve asked the same question million times. I know the answer.

All in love is fair…

……

Today is Donghae’s birthday.

“Promise yourself a cheerful evening OK? You deserve that. It’s your birthday.” When I’m driving him to my house, where the party will take place, I beg him.

He stares at me for some time. And then he nods.

Secretly yet intently I check. I feel so relieved when a faint smile creeps onto his face.

My car screeches to a halt in the garage.

As Donghae enters the hall people cheer loudly; and sounds of bottles opening welcome us. I turn my head to look at him. He’s a bit surprised seeing so many people. And this time Donghae really puts an effort to make the corners of his mouth curl up more.

“Thank you! Really thanks for coming.” Donghae’s smile widens. I smile with him. Maybe… Maybe what I’ve done is slowly paying off. Maybe things are progressing, improving… though very slowly…

……

The usual birthday party events. Eating. Drinking. Dancing. Socializing.

Someone brings the birthday cake out and lights the candles. Donghae looks at it and slowly closes his eyes.

Smile on my face fades away. Joy in my heart subsides, taken over by unbearable sorrow. I bite my lip. My tongue tastes defeat.

That long lost genuine smile of Donghae, one I have been working so hard for, one I have been praying desperately for, is now shining on his face. And I know it’s not me, or anybody here, who’s summoning that onto his face. Only one person on earth can do this. Only one person possesses such power.

Donghae… don’t make that wish… please…

I know it. And it happens right away.

The kind of facial expression one would have when his heart gets stabbed brutally tears that angelic smile off him. Tears escape his eyes. Quickly he covers his face with his hands, his body shaking.

I pull him towards me and wrap my arms around him. “Donghae… Don’t cry. It’s your birthday.”

He’s still trembling. Gently I pat him, rubbing circles into his back. “Be strong Donghae. Be brave…”

It’s not helping. Donghae just sobs more seriously. I close my eyes and curse that person. I didn’t invite him to this party! He’s not supposed to play any role here! He’s not welcome!!!!

I keep saying those words… more and more firmly. “Be strong… Be brave… Donghae… Be strong…”

……

All of a sudden Donghae roughly pushes me away. I’m at a total loss… when I find him glaring at me with tears flooded, anger filled eyes. “SHUT UP!!!”

I look at him, bewildered.

“Can I not be strong Siwon? Can I not be brave?” His voice is shaking. Everybody is watching, murmuring.

“When the pain is too overwhelming to bear… When my heart screams in agony… When I simply don’t have the strength to counter… When insecurities crash down… When emptiness eats up my sanity… When all questions remain unanswered… CAN I NOT BE STRONG? CAN I NOT BE BRAVE?”

Pin drop silence. The murmurings die down. Nobody dares utter a word.

“CAN I JUST CRY OUT LOUD? CAN I SIMPLY CRY MYSELF OUT?”

I look down, feeling more than frustrated. I, Choi Siwon, am not capable of anything…

……

Donghae struggles to continue speaking. “Do you know how painful it is… how difficult it is… to remove someone… from the core of your heart?”

Abruptly I look up. I widen my eyes.

I manage to hold my tongue before those words spill themselves out.

Donghae… I do. I really do.

I’ve been through the same. I still remember the pain… when I had to remove the person dearest to me from my heart.

I told myself to step aside… because only then the forever angel in my heart would be happy… would always wear his happiest smile…

I asked myself to give the 2 of you my best wishes… because he’s the one who meant the most to you… because your heart belonged to him…

I reminded myself love is to give... not to get. I gave you up, not allowing myself to remember any feelings towards you… because I loved you…

I do. I really do know the pain.

And I know how difficult it is. Because it took me years… just to realize that I cannot do it… just to accept that it’s something I cannot achieve…

You’re still in my heart… Donghae…

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A/N: NOOOOOOOO!!! Site crashed, latest chapter vanished and all comments were gone!!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE be so kind to leave me comments again!!!!! Wall post me again!!!!! PM me again!!!!! I can't breathe without your comments!!! I can't live without your support!!!! PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEE~~~~

A/N2: *evil side speaking* If you want me to live long enough so that you can see the next update, LEAVE ME COMMENTS NOW!!!!! RAWR!!!! RAWR!!!!

A/N3: Forgot to address this last time when the same chap was published. Many of you wonder abt the breakup reason. Until now only Hyukkie and I myself know the REAL reason!!! heehee~~~ Pls bear w me for some time. I want to keep this little secret between Hyukkie and me for some more time~~~~ hahahahaha~~~~