I wake up. I open my eyes. Am I living? Am I dead?

I’m so tired.

Not a single night passes without him in my dream. The dreams are sweet. And when the dreams are over… the bullet hole burns.

Now I have acquainted with the pain, with the bullet hole better. Sometimes I actually feel relieved… to find that it still hurts. That means at least from my side, things have not changed. I love him. I miss him. I’m his.

Lee Hyukjae… I’m… yours…

And it would never change.

Never.

The living corpse gets out of bed, and out of his dorm not long after. The dying soul joins others in the streets like a water droplet joining the river. The lifeless eyes find themselves staring at the screen in the lecture room, on which some diagrams and alien symbols are projected. All these are dwelling in a body which is still functioning. Reflexively like a robot a hand of this body is frantically jotting down in a notebook whatever its ears are hearing.

That means I’m living… right?

Nothing fails to remind me of him.

We used to sneak into each other’s dorm after mid-night. We used to cuddle in the same bed and whisper sweet talks until dawn. We used to have a lot of fun when one tried to get out of bed while the other attempted every means to stop that. We used to throw secret glances at each other in the classroom, and chuckled from time to time when sweetness overflowed. We used to jot down in our notebooks whatever thoughts we had about each other.

Those could be fluffy.

I see a fish pouting. Does that mean my fish wants a kiss from his anchovy?

Romantic.

I love you Hyukkie. I can’t imagine life without you.

Same here Donghae. You complete my life.

Warm.

My Donghae is not in the classroom but recovering from the flu in his dorm. Are you shivering Donghae? Don’t worry. I will rush back and wrap you in my arms right after stupid Mr. Jung stops talking!

Even ert.

Stop tempting me with you hot and y body Hyukkie! I very much want to tear your shirt open right now!!

Don’t you even dare Donghae! That’s exactly what I will do to you tonight!

We used to wait eagerly for classes to end so that we could glue ourselves together again.

And now lectures are over and I am wandering in the streets alone.

Winter is approaching. Boutiques are doing price cuts so as to get rid of their remaining stock of summer clothing.

Aimlessly I walk into a department store. It’s very noisy. Sales girls are chanting all sorts of slogans. You need to buy from them before your head explodes.

I turn a corner and there sits the shop of my favorite brand. Hyukjae and I used to frequent…

……

Wait a minute…

That shirt… summer version of this year… The simple yet elegant design with fine light blue stripes over beige bottom color…

I turn around and push myself through the crowd, ignoring all complaints. I break into a run after I come out of the department store.

I have to rush back to my dorm.

After banging the door open, I begin rummaging immediately.

I open my closet and remove everything inside. All storage boxes, which are supposed to hold winter clothing, have been opened. I even empty all bookshelves, all backpacks, all luggage bags. At the end the mattress and cushions in my dorm are all out of place.

Where is that shirt? I haven’t seen it since…

Sitting on the floor I reach into my pocket for my cellphone. I dial Henry’s number.

“……”

“HELLO!!!”

“… Hyung… It’s 3:30am… Sorry I’m really overwhelmed you miss me this much…” With a sleepy voice Henry answers. I can imagine his puffy eyes.

“… Sorry Henry… But this is important…” Really Donghae? How important can this be? I don’t know. I just feel this is important.

“… Go ahead…”

“Henry do you remember the shirt I bought this summer? The one with light blue stripes on beige?”

“… Hyung as far as I remember… all your shirts are checkered…”

“HENRY!!!!”

“Yes I remember. What’s with that shirt?”

“I lost it.”

“Huh?!” Henry sighs. I can clearly picture the ARE-YOU-CRAZY look on his face.

“Um… sorry I… want to ask… if you have seen it when you helped me pack…” I am blushing. I too, think that I’m crazy.

But Henry is seriously thinking. Over the phone I can hear him sit up and drum his fingers.

“No Hyung. I haven’t seen it. But we haven’t opened the boxes in which you put your winter clothing. Maybe it’s in one of those?”

No it’s not…

“Er… OK I will check. Thanks Henry. Sorry.”

“It’s OK Hyung. I just saw a fantastic guitar on sale yesterday. That should settle this…”

I chuckle. “OK show me next time we meet.”

……

Where did the shirt end up? When was the last time I saw it…?

I hug myself into a ball, rest my head on my knees and think really hard.

Time: One week before the breakup

Venue: In my dorm at that time

People: Hyukjae and myself

In the coin laundry I took my stuff out from the tumble dryer and put everything in the luggage bag. On top of the bunch was that shirt.

Upon reaching my dorm I opened the door and settled the luggage bag onto the floor. When I took that shirt into my hands the all so familiar embrace I always longed for greeted me from behind.

Gently Hyukjae gave me a peck on my cheek and sniffed my hair. Casually he removed the shirt from my hands and tossed it aside. “Hae… Stop working and come sit together with me…”

He tightened his hug and drowned me with his presence. The unique security his strong arms provided, the kind of warmth only his embrace could offer, the heroin specifically for me floating about whenever he’s in proximity… I felt so blessed…

Tenderly he pulled me to sit in front of the computer, not breaking the hug. And then Hyukjae clicked the play button. I rested my head on his shoulder and listened.

… I thought it's gonna to be OK. But… I miss you more and more… And I'm still waiting for you. So listen.

One love… One love…

The memories are beautiful… never let you go…

One love… One love… ALWAYS BE MY LOVE!!!!

……

“I love you… Lee Donghae…” Softly he kissed my earlobe and whispered into my ear.

Tears streamed down my cheeks without me noticing. The song composed by Hyukjae… was… amazing…

I turned my head to look at him, eyes glistening with awe. “Hyukkie… I don’t have words… It’s just… wonderful… You’re wonderful Hyukkie…”

His smile shone on his face. “Should I dedicate the song to you Hae?”

Without hesitation I shook my head. “No it’s too sad. Why must it be so sad Hyukkie? Why did they have to leave each other?”

He stared at me for some time… before taking a deep breath and shrugged. “It just hit me like that. No special reason.”

I put my hands on his shoulders. “Hyukkie you’re so talented you should join us. Henry wants to be a violinist. Siwon wants to be an actor. I want to be a singer. You should be a dancer or rapper or songwriter or whatever. What’s your dream Hyukkie?”

“My dream…” Gently he caressed my face and ran his hand through my hair. Softly he gazed at me. “… is to have you in my life… Donghae…”

……

He hushed me when I wanted to speak. Shaking his head Hyukjae continued. “Do you know how beautiful you are… Hae…? You’re like an angel… even better than that. Forever… and ever… you’re my angel. Whoever loved by you, Lee Donghae, is definitely the luckiest person on earth…”

There’s sadness in his tone. He took my hand and tenderly kissed it… as tears escaped his eyes…

“Hyukkie… What’s wrong…?” When he sobbed, I naturally wept. It’s like a signal or command to my heart.

He forced a smile and wiped my tears away. “Don’t cry Hae. Sorry. Everything’s fine. I’m just touched.”

When he smiled I smiled. I wrapped my arms around his neck. I pressed my lips onto his and initiated a deep, loving, longing and passionate kiss. I wanted to make sure sweetness of the kiss would wash all sadness and sorrow away.

Why would there be sadness at the first place?

That night was sweet… and romantic. We cuddled up to each other in bed. I couldn’t remember how many times we whispered “I love you” to one other; and that our love wouldn’t change. When I drifted into sleep with him hugging me from behind, I dreamed the sweetest dream. We always shared the same dream.

“What’s your dream Hyukkie?”

“My dream… is to have you in my life… Donghae…”

……

I gasp and look up with teary eyes, more confused than ever.

After that the next morning Hyukjae took the train and stayed with his family for one week. When he’s back he said…

Well… Hyukjae never really came back since then...

My heart is pounding hard. Something’s wrong…

Lee Donghae you’re stupid!! Stupid enough to believe what Hyukjae said that day…

“I don’t love you… Donghae…”

“Yes I lied Donghae. I was just curious to know… if I could make Lee Donghae, super star in the college, fall for me or not.”

……

Hyukkie…

Hyukkie…

I wonder if you hurt like me…

Quickly I grab my cellphone and press the short cut key. His name appears on the screen.

My hand is shaking… I almost drop the phone…

The jolted, heavy beating of my heart echoes loudly in the room…

I stare at his name… eyes widened… flustered… and position my thumb on the “Call” button…

------------------------

A/N: 1st of all promo time. Pls support this role play created by my dongsaeng. She helped me with a lot of posters!!! ^^ Babykins Roleplay

A/N2: I love kpop!!! They never fail to inspire me!!! I actually love this song by 2AM "I Wonder if You Hurt Like Me". I was even wondering if I can make a chapter called "Sherlock"!! But guess not in this fic...

A/N3: It's April Fools Day but this is no joke. Hv u read The Road to Redemption? If no pls do or else u're missing a lot!! If yes then I want to tell you... an idea hit me yesterday and maybe there will be a sequel!! ^^

A/N4: I like it when a chapter makes me cry. This chapter did. Maybe coz I know the reason... When Hyuk kissed Hae's hand... Oh Hyuk... I feel so sad!!!! *sobbing*