I really didn’t see this coming.

The window has been left open. Curtains flutter as winds keep knocking. The winds bring the scent of spring, the songs of birds, and the morning chill.

Gentle hugs of the breeze remind me I’m shaking. My hand holding my cellphone is shaking. And I know. The chill is not the reason.

The person on the other side of the phone repeats my name. He asks if I’m OK. I take a deep breath. I tighten my lips. I close my eyes before giving my answer. “Yes I’m OK.”

I hope I sounded convincing.

I hear words and phrases coming out of the phone. But that’s all I hear. Words and phrases. I can’t perceive anything. There’s too much information to decipher. There are too many emotions to sort out. There’s too heavy a burden in my heart. It’s getting heavier and heavier. My heart is all jolted. My nerves are all tangled. My brain is all knotted.

Give me a break!

“Give me a break!” I find myself speak. My voice’s shaking this time.

Words and phrases are swallowed by an abrupt silence. The caller stops talking, like I just switched him off.

I realize I’m panting. Heaving a sigh, I manage to continue with a better-controlled voice. “Sorry. I just… need a break… Sorry…”

“It’s alright. Call me if necessary. OK?”

“OK… Bye.”

“Bye.”

I hang up and collapse onto bed. I really hate myself.

……

After my personal concert I waited.

There’s a box in my mind, carefully locked up and concealed. Not only that. It was strapped and chained as securely as possible. A fierce monster was residing inside. I had to take all cautious measures.

It’s all your imagination.

Alerted at the monster’s luring, I added further locks immediately.

Few days went by. The monster didn’t waste one single chance. Whenever I let down my guard, no matter how slightly, it tried to haunt me. He said it very clearly. It’s just you’ve been refusing to accept.

As quickly as possible I put on my armor. That’s not the case. Hyukkie just needs more time.

I squeezed my eyes shut, pressed my lips together and headed straight out to work.

That day the company was holding a fan signing event. Quite a number of artists from our company were there. Having sat down at the long table, I stared blankly at its surface. I concentrated with all my willpower to keep my mind blank… until Yunho nudged me all of a sudden.

I turned my head, giving him a questioning look. Yunho jerked his head at the MC, whose voice started to slap meaning into my head.

“… Donghae-si you look very nervous. Is it your first fan signing event?”

“Yes… I’m… sorry…” I pulled up a smile and bowed my head a little.

Sounds of people chuckling swelled up and died down. The MC continued. “So who’s this one love in your life Donghae-si? I’m sure everybody is very curious.”

Like the after effect of a loud gong my head went totally blank without the need of any effort. My ears went half deaf like I was jerked under water, and in an instant all sounds were muffled.

Helplessly my eyes swept across the crowd. Fans were holding up my albums, posters, self-made cardboards with my name on. I knew they were looking expectantly at me.

Yet those were merely images casting onto my eyes. My eyes were busy working on something else. They were looking for someone, the trace of someone.

While my eyes couldn’t spot that someone, my head started to spin. Dizziness was crashing down. My throat felt so dry. My mouth felt like there were ashes in it.

Yunho gently gripped my forearm. Before he could answer for me I placed my hand on his. We exchanged a glance. I reassured him by nodding. “It’s... someone from my past… someone I still miss a lot today…”

People were whispering. But I only heard the monster. Yes it’s in the past. Let go.

“Do you think she will come back?” The MC pressed further.

I gave a bitter smile. “I can only hope.”

……

Two weeks passed.

Hyukkie… I miss you… I miss you…

I miss you to the extent that it’s haunting me…

To the extent that a mere whisper of your name could summon tears down my eyes…

To the extent that your absence is the only thing I’m aware of.

My breaths, my heartbeats, my pulses are not complete… because you’re missing.

Every step I take, every move I make, every note I hear, every melody I sing screams, “Hyukkie come back to me!”

Hyukkie come back to me! Why don’t you come back?!

That’s a Friday evening. I was squirming in my apartment.

My cautious measures began to turn brittle. The monster, on the contrary, grew more hyper.

Accept it. He doesn’t love you.

No!

Face it! If he does he should have contacted you right?

Maybe he didn’t hear…

Come on! Your words are in the press, in the news, on youtube, everywhere! If he cares he should at least drop a few words. The truth is you’re not even worth this little bit of his time!

Shut up!!!

I cracked. The box cracked. The monster kept growing and growing. Despite all means the cracks got longer… and wider…

I made my last, desperate attempt. I wrapped my arms around the box. I held it tightly in my chest. I could feel the monster struggling, knocking and kicking. I could feel it getting strong. I could feel myself getting weak… and scared…

At the end the monster overpowered all locks and straps and chains. Everything broke and shattered. Laughing its most heart paralyzing laughs, revealing its most terrible looking fangs, the monster stood high and tall, shook off the remains of the now miserable looking box.

In front of the monster I broke down. I shivered, looking tiny and small. I pleaded to the monster. I covered my ears with my hands. I shook my head. I begged in tears. I begged it to stop talking… to stop crushing me with those words…

Lee Hyukjae does not love you.

Those were the constituents of the spell I feared most. I had been working so hard to guard myself against it, to cling to the seemingly non-existent hope.

The fear was like… the ground underneath me suddenly crumbled, replaced by a bottomless tunnel. Into the tunnel I plunged. There’s nothing I could do. I stretched my arms. I clawed my hands. I kicked my legs. There’s nothing to grab. There’s no foothold.

I fell.

There’s no light.

I fell.

There’s no sound, even my own screams were muted.

I fell… and fell… and fell…

There’s no end…

……

Another week passed. I decided to call Hyukjae. I didn’t know if he would pick up. I didn’t know what he would say. I had to do this for myself. Other than hearing him say he still loved me, I told myself I would put an end to all these.

Click. The call was picked up. My heart was racing.

“……”

“… Hyukkie…?”

I heard somebody heave a sigh.

“Donghae.”

I couldn’t believe my ears. “… S… Siwon…?”

……

And now… I really hate myself. My existence only causes people pain. It’s better if I don’t exist at all!!

In my bed I cover my face with my hands. What should I do now?

It’s only been one week…

My phone beeps. Tiredly I roll over, take it and check the message.

Hyung please take a good break. I forgot to tell you. I didn’t tell Hyukjae Hyung about Siwon Hyung. – Henry

Yes great. Thank you Henry…

Just when I’m about the close the message the phone blinks and there’s another message.

Donghae my angel morning! I still cannot quite believe that you have finally accepted me. It’s like a dream. I have crazy schedule today. Miss you and call you later! – Siwon

It’s a warm and sweet message. Yet my heart aches. Seeing it I feel like crying.

My finger moves to the spot where I can close the message. And the phone blinks again.

Donghae I’m sorry for everything. I’m on my way… – Hyuk

That literally knocks me out of my bed.

----------------------------

A/N: Some explanation. It was Henry who was talking to Hae on the phone at the beginning of this chapter. After Henry met Hyuk, he called Donghae. But exactly one week prior to this, Donghae, thinking Hyuk wouldn't be coming back, accepted Siwon.

A/N2: "I miss you to the extent that a mere whisper of your name could summon tears down my eyes." This sentence made me teary. If you really miss someone... Y_Y

A/N3: I'm blogging now!!! I'm posting my non-FF stories there; as well as some thoughts which come into my mind occasionally! If you're interested you can visit my blog here. Thanks!!