I switch on my cellphone. I see missed calls and text messages. I dread through them. No. I’m not hoping to see his name.

His name doesn’t show up. I tighten my lips. No. I’m not disappointed.

It’s OK. I won’t return his calls or messages anyhow.

Select All > Delete > Yes

I close my eyes… and press the button. Lee Hyukjae… Forget… Move on…

I shift my eyes to take in the beautiful scenery outside. Inside the limousine appa is reading the newspaper. Umma and Sora are excitedly discussing about something.

Suddenly I hear my name.

“Hyukkie what do you think?”

I turn to look at them, bewildered. “What?”

“Any idea for the weekend?” Sora asks, a tiny glimpse of accusation gleams in her eyes.

I randomly mumble something. “Shopping?”

To my surprise Sora exclaims in joy and comes to hug me. “Yeah!!! Thanks for supporting me Hyukkie!!”

The limousine enters the highway. The driver says another 30 minutes or so we will arrive. I decide to do a research on the various vehicles rushing beside us for these 30 minutes.

I count there are 30 Toyota, 44 Mercedes, 34 Ford… and Wow! One Lamborghini!

Taking the exit, wandering through the country roads, grunting in front of all those annoying traffic lights, turning a corner we arrive at our house.

OK! Time to work!

I insist. I personally take my own stuff in. Part of them goes to the storage room. Weeks later they will be delivered to my new dorm in the university. Only 2 boxes out of the bunch end up in my own room. I can survive the coming few weeks with those.

Good. I manage not to let that name pop up in my head for the whole afternoon.

It’s an unalterable fact. I committed a crime.

And I know… it’s just a matter of time… Sooner or later it will ring in my ears. Yet the criminal wouldn’t want to hear his condemnation. The later the better…

Alone in my room I wonder what I should do next.

……

Lee Hyukjae you’re a bastard!! You shouldn’t have let it happen!!

……

Hurriedly I grab my towel and clothes and rush into the bathroom. I set the water temperature a bit higher. I let the hot shower drench me. Wash the past away please. I let the hot steam bury me. Distill my sins away please.

It feels good. It’s refreshing. I walk out of the shower feeling revived.

Taking a deep breath I walk back into my room.

It’s an illusion what I was feeling back in the shower. Unlike the shampoo, something cannot be rinsed out. Unlike salt, something stays even after distillation. The heavy mist is back… in my room… in reality…

I have run this far… and yet…

I will just keep running.

Determinedly I bang open my room door and stride out. There are better things to do rather than to let my mind wander into somewhere forbidden.

I do the laundry. I do the dishes. I rid every corner of the house from any sinful dust. I rub diamonds into all windowpanes, so that they are now proudly sparkling. I wipe watery jewels onto all our cars, so that they are now as shiny as mirrors.

The servants are trying to stop me. Back off all of you! I am your master and I have the right to do anything! I want to do the work! I enjoy it! Stop bothering!

My hard work pays off. No name, nothing, sneaks into my head the whole day.

Am I tired enough? Yes.

Sure? Exhausted? Yes, more than that.

Certain even the last drop of energy is drained? Yes. I’m more than dead now.

OK.

I collapse onto my bed, and instruct my mind to set off in the direction of slumber.

……

Lee Hyukjae, your 1^st sin dated back to his birthday that year, the 1^st year you transferred to that college.

You played the wrong game. You made the wrong choice.

You tasted something too sweet. You set off something disastrous.

Woe to you who committed such a sinful deed. A curse was brought to you.

You knew it. From that moment onwards the way he looked at you was no longer the same. From that evening onwards an everlasting fire was intensely, constantly burning in you. You wanted him. You wanted him. No other but him. Lee Donghae. You wanted him… so bad… so bad…

Did you hear the devil laugh? Mockingly? Derisively? You couldn’t help it right? You knew you couldn’t love him. You shouldn’t touch him. You knew it wouldn’t last. You’re not capable of giving him any promise. You knew one day you would hurt him.

You knew it. During the whole time you knew it! Yet you, a sinner so hopeless, had no power to counter the needs and wants and selfishness in you.

What happened had already happened you thought. You thought you could minimize the damage.

How kind! How thoughtful! You betrayed yourself and avoided him. You told yourself anywhere near him was prohibited.

Yet in the classroom you couldn’t stop glancing at him. You really shouldn’t. But you had to. Otherwise the fire in you just burnt, eroded your veins and flesh, eclipsed your heart and lungs.

Ssssshhhhhh! You’re in no position to complain, to moan or to cry out in pain! That’s the punishment to your sin. You brought it to yourself! You ignited the fire!

That afternoon the 2 of you encountered each other at the stairs. You didn’t hesitate. You put on a lukewarm smile. And then you walked away.

But look! Look what you just accomplished you sinner! You loser!

Did you see? You couldn’t miss it. He’s so easy to read. His face was so angelic even the faintest tinge of hurt and pain and sorrow couldn’t go unnoticed.

Did you see you just punched a knife into his chest?

Look! The blood… dripping… haunting… sparkling… splattered onto the floor… condensed into the brightest red crystals… so stunning… so beautiful…

You just deepened your sin you fool! Look at your hands. Did you see blood on them? Sticky… hot… thick… dyeing your fingernails… seeping into your skin…

That evening you regretted. Your heart ached with his. You prayed for a way out. No. Either way you would hurt him. Because you’re born a sinner Lee Hyukjae!

And then it’s his turn to avoid you. How did it feel? He’s flustered. He’s suffering because of you. Whenever you’re in proximity, or simply within eyesight, he lost himself. He struggled to stay composed.

It hurt to see him like that right? Each and every one of those images… was a plain accusation. They were piling up… piling up… suffocating… clutching your throat…

You did the most stupid thing that day. You waited for him after school. You walked him to the dorm. You tried to explain.

In the court yard there’s nobody else. It was quiet. It’s a good place for an important conversation.

But why? Why didn’t you just blurt out whatever you had been trying to tell? Your reasons? Your difficulties?

You coward! You waited and allowed time to slip away…

… until you lost the chance. The moon took over the shift. The night sky turned the atmosphere romantic. The tranquility was luring… You’re doomed…

The 2 of you stared into each other’s eyes. You saw eagerness and anxiousness blinking in those windows to his soul. Under the moonlight you could hear your heartbeat… as well as his. Your eyes captured his face so pure and innocent… Your heart softened. The words you prepared for long just evaporated. You couldn’t do it, making the excuse that you didn’t want to hurt him.

You heard the devil sneer.

Then what? You gave him hope. He’s expecting something now.

He came closer. You wanted to step back. But his eyes were begging. His tears were like manacles on your feet. Again your heart went soft…

You let him come closer… and closer…

So close…

So… close…

… that you could clearly feel his soul through his eyes…

… that you could smell the sweetness you had been striving hard to forget…

Lee Hyukjae… you evil - hopeless - sinner…

You made the wrong choice again…

……

The moon, the witness, is shining again tonight. Through the window she regards me with disdain. I’m like a criminal crouching in his bed in his prison, counting his sins.

I’m a sinner, shivering, pleading, begging for his redemption under the cold moon.

My prayers fall on deaf ears.

I can still feel the fire, consuming me, smouldering me…

The moonlight is too bright, illuminating every corner of my heart, revealing all evils and dirt, exhibiting my soul… so ugly…

I cannot bear the light. I belong to darkness. I hide myself under the blanket. I hug my knees. I close my eyes. I shiver. I dig my fingers into my flesh.

There’s no point in shedding tears. But I just weep.

There’s no point in saying sorry. But I just apologize.

I know nobody would hear it. But…

I’m sorry Donghae… I have to set you free…

-----------------------------

A/N: This story has been calling me. I had to work on it. I had to!!! And now please enjoy the update!!!!

A/N2: Spring time!!! SO HAPPY!!!!!

A/N3: U know "In the Name of Love" (my other fic in progress) kinda influenced this chap! There the latest update was abt confession. And here I decided to talk abt sth else in this chap!!! hahahaha~~~