Today the weather is brilliant. Sunshine. White clouds. Blue sky. Leaves the color of jade join the club. And let’s not forget the gentle breeze carrying the scent of blossoming flowers, the music of partying birds…

“Donghae oppa!!!” Rushing footsteps accompany the voice calling my name, followed by giggling of some teenage girls. A group of fans has just joined me at the café table.

Quickly I conceal the letter originally lying on the table back in my pocket. And then I pull a bright smile up my face and take off my sunglasses, earning some more screams… and frowns from other customers in the café.

One by one I take pictures with my fans, and give them my autographs. I keep waving goodbye until all of them leave the café and disappear round the corner. It’s a nice distraction…

After some time, I realize the smile has frozen on my face, and I’m back in my strands of thoughts. I put my sunglasses back on. It shields me from the outside world… sort of…

There’s a tingling in my heart. Insistently it keeps poking me. Everything seems clear… yet at the same time they seem tangled up.

Siwon… I hurt him…

I close my eyes, swallowing the bitterness.

There are a lot of things I want to tell Siwon… that I’ve really tried… that I really know his heart… that… Sigh! I told Hyukjae to leave… so that I could keep my words to Siwon… so that I wouldn’t hurt Siwon…

Yet the point is… I hurt Siwon anyway. All these just sound like ugly excuses.

If it’s not because of the plane crash, I might really have stayed with Siwon and…

Suddenly an intense sourness fills my mouth and diffuses down my heart.

Actually I knew it. I knew I wouldn’t be happy staying with Siwon. I knew if things go that way, deep in my heart, in the most secret corner, Hyukjae would forever have his place. But I didn’t want to hurt Siwon…

At least let me try… though I constantly dreaded that it’s just a matter of time…

I failed Siwon right away.

I want to ask Siwon for forgiveness… But I’m too ashamed to face him… I don’t deserve to be forgiven…

Hyukjae… he’s like my heroin. Just when I thought I was ready to continue my life without him, when I guarded myself against him as much as possible, effortlessly he enslaved me again. His touch, his embrace, his mere proximity pump an overdose of bliss into my blood. He quenches my thirst. Yet at the same time he makes me ever more thirsty. It’s a unique thirst rendering me helpless in front of him.

I gulp water down my throat, a futile attempt to rinse the thirst away…

I feel sorry to admit this. Hyukjae pained me once, leaving me in turmoil, drowning me with despair. He can repeat that. I mean… my affection towards him is abundant enough to accommodate all his flaws, weaknesses, faults… The more I love him, the more those would pain me yet… Even if he wrongs me again, I know the flame wouldn’t dim the tiniest.

To be very honest, I want to run to Hyukjae, and bury myself in his arms. And I want to stay there forever. Hyukjae also said he’d wait for me.

However… am I making it too easy for Hyukjae? And too difficult for Siwon?

Slowly I take the letter out of my pocket. It pains me seeing Siwon know me so well…

Donghae, remember what I told you before?

Pain, hurt, lost, anguish, sorrow, bitterness, torments, distress, affliction… no matter how deep, how unbearable, how suffocating, how overwhelming… as long as you don't give up, as long as you continue fighting… one day it will go away. You can do it. You're stronger than you think you are. Take it one day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time. One second at a time. You can do it. One day you will get over it.

It’s so much easier said than done. Only until now, when I have to live those words myself, I realize how blind I was towards what you’re going through at that time… I thought I knew your feelings… I thought I knew everything. How arrogant…

And now... I would take it one day at a time…

Donghae. Do you know how lovely you are? How much your eyes are capable of brightening someone’s day? Or melting someone’s heart? How beautiful… how precious you are?

I want to keep you, and make you happy. I really want to!

I thought all we needed was a chance. Again… only until we were given a chance did it dawn on me that… no… It’s just another arrogant side of me.

They say if two people are meant to be, the whole universe would work to bring them together, and keep them together. On the contrary, if we’re not meant to be, we would be like fighting the whole universe.

If I look back now, during the time we were together… the happy days could sadly, really be counted. And what’s even more sad… the happy days might have been for me only. It hurts so much to accept this fact. Try as I may, I just cannot make you happy. If there’s one thing you’re bad at, it’s that you simply cannot hide. It’s plain and obvious… when we were together… you’re like constantly reminding yourself to act happy, tip-toeing around not to disappoint me. I understand your efforts. However I really miss the Donghae I used to know. I’d rather that you yell at me, vent out your frustrations in my face. Those would allow me to feel the real you, to connect with you, to know that you’re not so far away…

I know Hyukjae hurt you. But don’t people make mistakes? What’s important is we learn from our mistakes and move forward. Now the universe has brought the two of you together again, given you a second chance. Therefore Donghae, treasure it. Go back to Hyukjae. Make it work and make it last this time.

Believe me. I saw it very clearly. When you looked at him, in your eyes, the long locked-up joy was shimmering bright. Hyukjae’s the one who can make you happy. I want to see you happy Donghae.

If you really love someone, you would do anything for him. You would give up everything for him. By everything it means… really… simply… everything. That doesn't only include your heart and life and soul. That even includes… him.

Donghae… I’m letting you go because… I love you…

Follow your heart and go back to Hyukjae.

I’d be lying if I say I’m perfectly fine letting you go. It hurts like hell… Donghae… I’m writing this letter because I know I won’t be able to do this face-to-face.

You won’t hear from me for a while. Please. Don’t try to contact me. I’ll need some time. Please give me some time to get over this. I’ll come back after that. I promise.

The two of you have all my best wishes.

Siwon

Don’t people make mistakes? No. Siwon you’ve never made any mistake. Hyukjae made a mistake. I made a mistake as well. But Siwon, you didn’t. You’re an innocent, good-hearted person who suffers because of our mistakes.

Knowing I wouldn’t be able to truly return your love, I shouldn’t have agreed to be with you… That’s my mistake. And you’re hurt over and over again…

Wonnie... I'm sorry. - Hae

There’s nothing left to say but… sorry… even though it means nothing…

I close my eyes and let the intense sourness eat me up.

……

As I approach the service apartment door, I’m carrying with me a feeling I cannot describe. The tingling in me continues.

I spare myself some time to stare blankly at the door… before pressing the doorbell. I hear footsteps from within. From the bottom of my heart, a familiar sensation begins to surface.

When the door opens in front of me…

Silence resonates understanding.

Tears reflect honesty.

Embrace speaks acceptance.

Two imperfect individuals… hold on to each other, recompensing, treasuring, giving thanks, counting their blessings…

My heart echoes his. The tingling subsides, taken over by relief… and peace.

Hyuk…

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A/N: Siwon you're too good a person... Hug you!!!

A/N2: Epilogue will follow!!! Thanks for the patience again!!!