There was a time I thought I couldn’t live without Donghae. He’s the center of my world, the gravitational force that held everything together.

And indeed, my world crumbled after I let him go.

I was the only one who knew it, or felt it. Thanks to the prolonged training as a professional actor. I could act as long as I breathed. On the outside everything looked normal. I was crossing out items on my to-do list. Dramas. Albums. Variety shows. Interviews. Photo shoots.

But I knew it. I was shut down inside.

Behind closed doors I was another person. Maybe not even a person. I had nothing. Absolutely no energy for anything. Once the door was closed, the light went out, I collapsed. For days I could stay in bed, sit in a couch, not doing anything. I stared at the ceiling, or the window, unmoving, not existing.

It got worse and worse. Soon my spring of life was drained. I found it harder and harder just to exist. I was approaching a point, where it’s no longer possible for me to perform, but to let everything fall apart, let my inside crack, disintegrate and render to dust. And already, in my mouth I could feel dust. More and more I looked forward to my refuge, to the moment when I could close the door, when I could take off my mask and stop existing.

More than once my own words echoed in complete darkness.

… as long as you continue fighting… one day it will go away…

What if I was left with no energy to fight? What if I was left with nothing to fight for? When you couldn’t see the end of a tunnel, it’s just a matter of time… before the hope you worked so hard to keep up… began to melt away. And you knew it would melt away… The point was I couldn’t see. I couldn’t see the promise of this “one day”. I couldn’t see anything.

I shed tears. Countless times. Alone in the dark.

I lost count of how many times the window tempted me. It looked like a way out. Just push myself through and fly. Maybe then I’d be free.

Ironically it’s still Donghae. It’s still Donghae who forced me to maintain my existence. I knew if I just quit like that, guilt would consume him. And the two of them would again be put back in a situation where they’d feel too guilty to stay together, but painfully miss each other. Could I say I found the reason of my existence?

Why did I care about them anyway?

Sigh. I cared.

And then one day, my phone rang.

“Hyung!” It’s Henry.

“Hello Henry.” I sounded perfectly normal. What a performance.

“So you’ll come to my concert tonight?” He didn’t notice anything.

“Yes.” The certainty in my voice surprised me. I had no recollection whatsoever about Henry’s concert, let alone that I had agreed to attend.

“Hyung you’re the best! See you!” Cheerfully Henry hanged up.

I closed my eyes as I ended the call, and dropped my phone. So much for hiding my true self. Yet so much I craved for empathy.

……

I crawled out of my refuge and into the concert hall.

Henry was as amazing as ever. I saw million pairs of eyes looking up to him on stage. They were sparkling awe, flickering admiration. If only Donghae could have looked at me like that, even just for once, even just for one split second, I’d be so overjoyed. They’d speak the most precious words I craved for, words telling me that I meant a lot to Donghae.

I knew I meant something to Donghae. But… it’s like… To me Donghae was the center of my world. To Donghae I was just… a satellite. This knowledge crushed me to pieces.

Sometimes I envied them. Donghae and Hyukjae. It’s so precious to have someone return your feelings. They shared this precious bond. They defined each other. Just by looking into the other person’s eyes you know who and how special you are.

Some special guest was singing on stage. Her voice wove seamlessly with Henry’s violin strings. I was pondering over who I was, when the lyrics, like a shimmering stream, flowed into my mind.

where nobody knows your name,

nobody plays your music,

nobody speaks your language,

where you can find nothing,

nothing to remind you of anything, anyone…

you will find you…

you will find you…

That’s the moment light kindled in my darkened heart. That’s when I decided to pack and flee.

I travelled. I vowed to myself. I would find Siwon and I’d return with Siwon himself. Siwon the satellite of Donghae was torn to pieces. In an unknown somewhere, the pieces would be put together; and Siwon himself would come back.

……

And on this special day, I’m back.

I open the doors. I see Donghae. He looks fantastic.

Donghae’s too surprised to say anything. He looks at me. And then slowly, hesitantly he stands up. I walk to him.

We hold hands. Wordlessly we look at each other. I can sense Donghae trembling. I can see tears begin to fill his eyes. I can see a lot is going on inside him, and he’s too overwhelmed to speak.

“Donghae. Don’t cry. This is your day. Congratulations.” In the end I break the silence.

“Siwon… I… I… Thank you…” Donghae is still Donghae. So pure. So genuine.

“I understand. It’s alright.” I gently squeeze his hands to convey that everything’s alright.

“It’s just… so good… that you’re here… Siwon…” Donghae holds my hands firmly. His eyes are shining with charm again. It’s very hard not to envy Hyukjae.

Today is a beautiful day. It’s Eunhae’s wedding day. A day marked with beautiful moments.

In the ceremony Donghae looks fabulous. He’s glowing. His face’s flashing smiles, radiating joy the whole time.

The moment they lock eyes with each other, hold hands with each other, get united with each other in the solemn vow. Sincerity. Loyalty. Honesty. Trust. Love. Those hues swirl around them.

And the whole world hushes when they lock lips with each other… Donghae’s blushing. The picture is perfect. Not even the brush from the best painter can add anything to it.

With the perfect scene in front of me, I search my heart. I search through every layer till the deepest core, leaving no corner untouched.

No. There’s no hard feeling. I’m truly touched by this golden moment. My heart is warm. My tears are genuinely filled with joy.

Donghae. You’ll be well taken care of. You’ll be happy. I am grateful for you.

Hyukjae. You’ve found the most precious person. And you’ll treasure him. Congratulations.

As I walk out of the church, I look up and take a deep breath. From the bottom of my heart, I say thanks. To the supreme, unfathomable, invisible power operating in the universe. I know I’m healed. I’m reborn. Just like the sky above. After the storm, miraculous colors paint the rainbow. It’s a new beginning.

Just as I plan to begin my steps, my eyes land on him. There is this big crowd in the church’s front yard. Even so it’s simply impossible to miss him. He’s like wearing a sparkling cloak. He’s in white. A subtle, humble color yet gleaming arrogance on him. It takes me a while to realize that he’s looking at me as well.

And then all lights dim and all sounds fade. The two of us freeze in each other’s gaze. On some movable stage we must be. Before I know it we’re standing in front of each other under the shade.

“Choi Siwon?” He raises an eyebrow, showing off another dose of arrogance.

“Yes.”

He reaches out his hand. “Cho Kyuhyun.”

I take his hand. I wouldn’t forget that smirk. I wouldn’t forget how it summons butterflies into my stomach…

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A/N: Year 2015! A new beginning!!

A/N2: Um... but I'm a bit worried for Siwon... hehe~~