SeolHyun's POV

A few days have passed by while we all prepare to leave the dorms. We're going home for the first time in years. Everyone is giddy except for me. The only reason I'm doing this is because Wonho asked me. We both need closure on this matter. My bags are all packed and ready to go. We get exactly 4 days to ourselves, then we have to get back and start to prepare for our comeback. The president is extremely pleased with our album sales as well as our popularity. The again, all the bands in this company do it well. Seventeen are having their own comeback right now, again. I remember Wonwoo still being sick and kind of sad he couldn't go with them, but they're having a concert soon and he needs to recover before that. 

"Everyone ready to go?" EunHa asks and all the girls, except for me, yell. They know Wonho is taking me somewhere, but they're confused as to why I'm not happier with it. My boyfriend is taking me on a trip, I should be happy. They don't understand what this is putting me through. It'll be worth it. In the end it'll be fine. You have Wonho by your side. I just need to keep telling myself that and it will all come true. 

I'm the last one to stay in our dorms. Wonho is coming around with a car he got from the company and waited for all the others to leave. We don't want to rub it in their faces after all. I hear a honk coming from outside and dreadfully pick up my bags. I open the front door and walk over to his car. He gets out and helps me with my bags. 

"We're just going for 3 days", he laughs while putting them in the back of his SUV. "You know that right?" 

"Don't whine. You know how girls are", I try to feel more at ease and it works. Wonho joking around me is just the thing I need. We save the kisses for inside the car and when we're on our way. No need to provoke the media, is there? There's a ban on dating in my company and in his too. Most companies have this ban for the first few years of a group. Thats why no one really comes out with it. 

"Ready?" he asks the totally redundant question I didn't want him to ask. I nod my head slightly. I'm not sure if I'll ever be truly ready for this, but it needs to be done. That's what I keep telling myself anyways. "I'm here, okay?" He takes my hand in his while we drive. The car is in automatic and he can spare his hand to hold mine. We drive the rest of the way like that. No one really talks while we focus on some music. I feel nervous all the way through. God, this is eating me up on the inside. Wonho seems to be really focussed on the road and doesn't notice my fidgeting that much. 

Why do I feel so vulnerable after all these years? Why do they still have this kind of effect on me? I should be over this, but I'm not. Not in the slightest. It's really miserable to think about what could happen. But that's just the way I am, thanks to them. I always expect the worst now. They screwed me up royally. It's also making me really mad, to know what kind of power they still have over me. I hate it more than I actually hate myself. How can they actually do that to a kid? What was their problem? 

I was their problem. They hated me. More than anything else in this world. They still do. That's why coming back here is still so hard. The rejection was etched into their faces every time they saw me, no kidding. Now I am going to see that again, that same expression. The one I've been having bad dreams about my entire life. That makes me actually panic. The thought of their faces, twisted with anger and happy whenever they got to abuse me. 

My heart rate goes up and I start sweating, a lot. My head is spinning in all kinds of directions as my breathing becomes shallow. This is a full on panic attack. I feel as if I might die from the squeezing pain in my heart. The car disappears and everything goes black from here on. I need to focus on my breathing, but there is no reason when you're in this state. In the back of my head I hear someone screaming out my name. Wonho. He must be so worried. My breathing is becoming more rapid as I hear him saying my name. Why is he here? Why does he have to see? I'm nothing, no one, why does he love me? Does he even love me? I'm not sure about anything right now. 

I feel a calming pair of hands on my arms as he tries to calm me down. In through your nose, out through your mouth. Repeat that. His voice is soothing, so I try to listen to him. I'm doing what he's telling me and the pain is slowly subsiding. My vision is becoming clearer and my breathing is getting steadier. Wonho comes into view. His beautiful hazel eyes are worried and glued on me. I feel bad for his worried eyes. He shouldn't be worrying about me, he should be out there having the time of his life. He's convinced himself he's in love with me, he has to protect and help me. 

"You're fine", he insists and I shake my head. My breath has evened out a bit and now I can completely focus on him. 

"You shouldn't be seeing this..." I comment but he already shakes his head in response. 

"We're not going there", he simply states and kisses the top of my head. "All that matters is that you're okay." 

Tears are streaming down my face. I never intended to be this weak, not in front of someone I hold so dearly, but he doesn't seem to care about that. He just wants me to be okay, for once and for all. His eyes are going over me to make sure I'm fine. 

"Thank you", I choke out. The car is on the side of the road, which is normal since he was just trying to calm me down. I don't know when he pulled over, but he did. "For everything."

"Come on. Let's get to our hotel and then talk a bit, okay?" Wonho is searching for approval and I give it to him. Soon we're on our way again. The town comes closer and closer while I try to distract myself by looking at Wonho. He seems a bit stressed out, probably my fault altogether. If it is, he doesn't let it show. "We're here." 

I turn to look at the town I left behind 4 years ago. It seems like nothing has changed at all since then. Like it waited for me to come 'home'. It disturbs me greatly to see how this town is still the same damn place. Why didn't it change? For the better? Do they still live in that house? Do I even want to know?

"First things first. We'll go to the hotel and rest of the remaining time of this day. Tomorrow, at lunch, we're going to eat at my place. Is that okay?" he asks me and I nod slightly. I'll be so close to them. To the people that scarred me for life. And beyond that.

"Are we staying in the same room?" I suddenly ask, kind of nervous about that too. We haven't gone really far with this except for kissing and I'm not even sure I'm ready for anything else to happen. I mean, he is hot, but something tells me to take my time with this. My body is not up to some physical contact yet. 

"I reserved two rooms, next to each other. That way you can always come over whenever you're scared or having a hard time", his voice is tender. He has put a lot of thought into all of this. You wouldn't expect that from him if you didn't really know him. I'm kind of disappointed too, that he already reserved two rooms. But I have to let that go. He was being considerate. 

Wonho parks the car and puts on his hat and glasses. I do the same, adding a mouth mask to begin with. No one here is going to sell us out, but still. We can't be too careful while being together. If our companies find out that we're dating, it's all gone. Wonho checks us in and takes our luggage up. He checked in under his real name, with a little twist to it. That way people won't know who he really is. I take the two keys and follow Wonho up into the elevator. The ride is long and silent. When we finally reach our rooms it's a bit awkward. We both stand there, looking at each other. 

"Probably shouldn't be out here for too long", Wonho suggests and I know he is right, I do. Something inside me just doesn't want to be alone, not yet. 

"Yeah, probably", I mumble and he notices. He knows me far too well to dismiss it. 

"What's wrong?" he asks coming a bit closer, but not before checking if anyone is around. "You can talk to me." 

"I just.. I don't want to be alone?" I say in a really quiet voice. He flashes me his famous smile and hugs me. His chest  still feels familiar, it always does. 

"Let's get settled in first, then I'll come over", he suggests and I nod. It's kind of a solution. 

I take my luggage inside of my room and wave one more time. He's still smiling when I close the door on him. It always hits me the hardest when I'm alone. The curtains of the room are closed and it makes the room feel ominous. The dark sets something alive inside of me, the fear sparks up once again. I hate that this always happens when I'm alone. It's been four long years since I've been truly on my own, that's why it has taken this long to manifest itself again. 

I run towards the curtains and pull them open, letting in the light, chasing away the demons. The only problem with my demons is that they're not scared of the daylight anymore. They've become adjusted to that. It seems to follow me around inside the room and I wonder if I should call out for Wonho. Then I remember that I need to be on my own too. I need to learn to deal with this. Wonho can't be here for every little problem I have. 

I try to calm myself, think of happy things. The dark starts to fade a little, taking all the bad demons away with it. It's finally working. The thing my therapist always told me is working. He also told me it only works when you really want it to, when you have motivation. I finally made it work. Maybe coming here was a good decision, maybe Wonho was right. I've never been more pumped to get over this , however long it takes. 

"SeolHyun?" I hear someone knocking on the door and my heart flutters a little at the sound of his voice. Wonho is on the other side and I want to let him in. The other side of me tells me not to do it, that this will make the relationship real. To hell with that side. I open the door and step aside so he can come in. The second he's inside he has his arms around me. "I've missed you for those whole 5 minutes."