Chapter 32

With and Without Oh Sehun

December 12 

It was almost as if I had forgotten this date even existed, and sometimes I actually wish it didn't. Initially I just wanted to double check what events and assignments were approaching for the upcoming weeks on my planner, but I was suddenly struck by this specific date. Mainly because of what I wrote on it about a year ago when I still believed nothing could ever go wrong.

"4 year anniversary with my love <3"

With everything that was happening so far I had completely forgotten about it, but now I was stuck with 2 and a half weeks of remembering what could have been on that date. A gloomy feeling set in my stomach as I began to think back about all the things Sehun and I discussed about what we wanted to do on that special day. I remember the excitement and joy I felt everytime we talked about it, and I remember smiling like crazy whenever he suggested crazy ideas. He was like an excited little kid talking about what he wanted to do for his birthday and this always comforted me that we would be together forever. Now, those crazy ideas remain as nothing but crazy ideas.

I wasn't exactly sure why I was so invested in these thoughts that were doing nothing for me, but I think it's because of what happened yesterday that I was allowing my brain to go free. The sensation of his body against mine and his arms wrapped around my shoulder as he pulled me in closer - it was something I truly missed so much. When you go from being hugged and wrapped everyday to suddenly losing all of that, it's something you can't help longing for even if you despise your ex. And when I felt it again yesterday I couldn't help but feel relieved, as if my heart was no longer suffocating and finally got what it wanted after all these months of waiting.

I closed my planner and stuck it back into my backpack, hoping the thoughts would close away with it too. Perhaps I shouldn't get too carried away with these thoughts. What happened yesterday shouldn't mean anything and doesn't. He was simply helping me out as a friend because it's normal for ex's to do that. Even if you both break up or don't see eye to eye anymore, there's still a part of you that will always care about the other person and it's normal. And that's what happened with Sehun. That half was simply looking out for me, and I would do the same for him too if it came down to it. But it doesn't mean anything else or more than that.

Throughout the class period when we were reading The Great Gatsby and discussing the boring symbolic meaning of every color, my brain couldn't help but drift itself back to that moment from yesterday. I tried hard to resist it but it was the only thing helping me stay sane during this boring lesson. Every now and then it was like my eye moved on its own will to peek at Sehun. I don't know what was expected but maybe it was hoping to find some sort of sign through his face expression to tell me how he felt about yesterday. As much as I want to convince myself of one thing, there was still that small part that wondered what he was truly feeling. As usual however, there was nothing but a blank stare that was probably clinging on to its last hope of sanity just like me and everyone else in this room.

Just then, someone cleared their throat and woke me back up to reality. I looked at Yoongi and saw that he was staring down and doodling on his notebook. His eyes - there was just something about it that I couldn't brush off or put my finger on. It looked so focused, yet at the same time it looked like it wasn't focused on what was going on in real life but rather in his own thoughts. It was like he was so deep into his thoughts that he was slowly drifting away from reality without realizing it. Just what was he deeply thinking about?

Now that I think about it, he's been acting weird since yesterday and I first noticed it at the station. He was working like normal but he moved like a robot and did everything like a one. It was like he was coded to have no feelings and emotions, and rather to just work and live. If someone else looked at him they would just say he looked the same with his usual snarky and cold face. Sure that's true, but I know I wasn't crazy for thinking there was something different. He just looked empty with the way his head and shoulders hung low. Yeah, that was a better way to describe it - empty. It was bothering me quite some bit but I decided to leave it alone. Maybe he was just having a bad day. 

Much to my disappointment but relief, there was nothing much that happened throughout the day. I kept to myself in the basement floor with the risk of being caught but thankfully wasn't. I was thinking that if Sehun, for whatever reason, wanted to find me then he would've texted or reached out to me. But he didn't and it kind of showed that maybe what he did yesterday meant nothing much to him, which again did confuse me a bit. Now that I thought about it, he's been approaching me more within the past few weeks, yet now he seems, a little distant?

When school was done, I decided to stay back so Kyungsoo can help me with college applications and other various things. I'm not going to lie but it was pretty torturous constantly having him point out every minor detail in my writing, but I guess that's what's needed during times like this. When we felt like enough was completed, we closed our laptops and I leaned back into my chair to stretch and relax. I was quite relief to learn that although Kyungsoo and I didn't apply to any of the same universities (he was focused more towards prestigious ones), our main picks were only 30 minutes from each other. If anything, if even possible and we get into our picks, we could at least hangout or help each other every now and then until we got comfortable with the college life.

While I was relaxing away, Kyungsoo was already preparing his materials and packing up. "Do you know what Yoongi's plans are after school?" he suddenly asked.

I was taken aback by this sudden question. "No I don't. Why?"

"I was asked by the teacher to help him with college applications but I was wondering if he was - you know, even planning to go to college."

"I'm not too sure. He's never mentioned anything about it - not that he talks to me at all or anything anyway," I replied.

"Don't you two at least talk a little? Being partners and all?"

I wanted to let out a laugh at Kyungsoo's ridiculous remark. He was crazy for thinking that Yoongi and I talk enough to the point where I could ask about his plans after highschool. "We don't talk that much. Besides, why don't you just ask him yourself?"

Kyungsoo zipped up his backpack. "I've been thinking about it but he just seems closed off these days - well, more than usual, if that makes sense."

My ears winced to this comment. So Kyungsoo's noticed Yoongi's odd behavior too? 

"I guess that's expected though," he continued. "These next few weeks aren't going to be easy for him. Today already seemed hard as it is."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"It's Jin's birthday today . . . if you remember him."

It was as if the name vibrated through my ears and trembled its way down to my heart and caused it to drop. Of course I remembered him. How could I forget? It's just that I haven't heard his name in such a long time and the sudden mentioning of his name filled me with guilt and even shock. Now everything made sense. 

This thought lingered in my head for the rest of the day. I couldn't concentrate on my homework; heck, I even forgot about Sehun for the most part. Now I understood why Yoongi looked so empty and robotic, and seeing it again but knowing the reason this time just left this unpleasant knot in my stomach. Yoongi may not talk or express himself much, but to know that he's probably having a battle in his head and heart was disheartening to think about. He may give everyone around him dirty looks and act tactless, but sometimes it was like we forget he was still a human with emotions and everything else we had. 

I suffered a lot when Sehun and I broke up; I can't even imagine how it feels to lose a best friend completely. At least I could still see Sehun and there was still the physical form of him, but Yoongi didn't have that anymore.

With the time now being half past seven, I had given up all hopes of doing my homework because I was so occupied by another thought. This sudden crazy idea had popped up in my head not too long ago - something nobody would never ever think of doing. It was so crazy that I brushed it away and called myself stupid several times, but I always brought it back up because I thought it would be a kind thing to do. There was only two ways it could go - either Yoongi will appreciate it or it will anger him so much to the point where I'm better off transferring to another school. Nevertheless, I decided to go for it. 

I peeked out from the room my dad had managed to clean up and set up for me. From across the room, I saw Yoongi emptying the trash bag and wiping his hand on his pants that must have touched an unfinished tossed meal. Even from here, I could see the emptiness in his eyes. It was as if there was a gray shadow illuminating from him to represent his dark thoughts and emotions. 

After nearly half a decade of questioning everything again, I worked up the courage and walked my little feet to where he was. He had just about finished replacing the trash bin with a new bag when he raised his eyebrow and gave me a "what do you want" face. For a moment I wanted to turn around and walk away, but I stood my ground. 

"Let's get going. I need to get home early today," I said. 

"It's not even 8 yet," he replied.

"I have some things to do. Don't worry, I already told my dad." That was a lie but I figured I'll explain to my dad later.

Much to my relief, he finished up the last of his duties, changed back into his clothes, and packed up his things without further questioning, which again, why would he anyway? The opportunity to go home early? Who wouldn't want that?

I lead the way this time with Yoongi walking a few steps behind me. I could hear his muffled music, and a quick glance at him showed me that his head and shoulders were hanging low, once again. I couldn't help but wonder what was going through his head right now. After that thought, I began to question everything again. Was it a good idea to go through with this when he was in this kind of state? It's technically not too late to back out and go straight home yet. However, the noise of a tripping footstep made me realize that he was truly out of it for having almost fallen. 

I swallowed my doubts and turned back around to look at him which caught him by surprise and made him jump a little. We had stopped right in front of the bakery store.

"My mom asked me to stop by and buy some bread. You can stay out here. It'll be quick." I quickly walked inside the bakery shop before he could question or protest. 

Much to my relief again, he took a seat on one of the tables outside with his attention still focused on his phone and his earphones plugged in. When I entered, I was greeted by a familiar voice that I haven't heard from in a while. The last time I came here was on the same night when I witnessed Yoongi and the others being arrested by the police. What a night.

The bakery lady asked me how I have been and whether I've applied for colleges yet. In return, I asked how her kids were doing and how her shop was also doing, to which she told me that her kids were well like always, but it's been slower than usual lately for her shop. Dishearten and unsure of the correct words to reassure her, I told her that the cold and rainy weather is probably the cause and that when it gets warmer then her shop will pick up again. Thanfully, these words seemed to have worked. 

"There isn't much left since it's near closing," she said as she saw me eyeing the cakes closely. 

"It's no problem. These still look very good." I replied. 

That's when it occurred to me. What flavor did Yoongi like? I didn't want to pick a flavor he detested or wouldn't even take a bite of. After a near minute of debating, I finally decided to go with the coconut cake. You can't go wrong with coconut. However, I was hit with another problem. How old would he have been? I spent another minute or so trying to recollect my memories and even did a few calculations in my head. I decided to play safe and buy just one candle stick since the cake was pretty small anyways.

I gave my thanks, goodbyes, and genuine reassurance of my visit in the future before taking a nervous step outside. There, I was greeted by Yoongi who had stood up from his seat. I was slightly surprised to see that it was already getting dark which was something I hadn't noticed earlier. 

"Let's eat some bread first," I hastily said as I took a seat in front of him. 

He raised his right eyebrow and stared at me before taking a seat again. I could tell he think I was acting weird, but I couldn't help it. I was still constantly debating with myself if I should just pull out and really act like I was here to buy some bread, but at the same time it would be such a waste. I needed to take a risk in life. I never know what the outcome would be unless I do it. Maybe this could be something he would actually appreciate and I was judging him wrong. I nervously swallowed and handed him a glazed bread. 

"These are my dad's favorite. They're pretty good. Not too sweet," I said.

He stared at the bread for a few seconds before picking it and taking a bite of it. He didn't raise an eyebrow or give a questioning and disgusted look like I had somewhat expected. He ate like normal while scrolling through his phone and this relieved me. He didn't seem to be so much in a bad mood. Maybe I had a chance and it was now.

I carefully took out the cake box from the bag and placed it between us. This caught his attention and he stopped eating for a second. "Do you have a lighter I can borrow?" I asked. 

He shot me a confused look before reaching into his pocket and tossing the lighter on the table. I don't know if he was confused about why I needed a lighter or how I knew he had one. I hung around him enough to know he'd have one.

I placed the single candle stick on the cake and tried lighting it. However, I wasn't expecting to struggle this much of trying to even light the lighter (don't blame me for not being as skilled as Yoongi). Plus, the chilly wind was blowing and I was trying to block it with my spare hand but it wasn't working, not to mention my trembling hand from the cold and nervousness. This was not going how I expected it, and it didn't help that Yoongi was staring at me now.

"Can you help?" I nervously chuckled at Yoongi. 

He grabbed the lighter and easily lit the candle, as expected. "Is it your birthday?" he asked.

"No it's not," I let out another awkward chuckle. "But since it's Jin's, I thought we should celebrate it."

I could feel a tense air surround us and my shoulders stiffened. I kept my eyes on the cake to avoid his. The only noises was coming from the cool air and of customers going in and out of the bakery shop behind me. I know he was staring at me but I couldn't tell what exactly he was thinking. Did I screw up? Should I just stop it now? At any moment now I was expecting him to yell at the top of his lungs of how stupid I was. However, I should at least be given the chance to explain myself before he does.

"I know you're probably shocked by this, but I thought it'd be nice to sing him happy birthday." I nervously swallowed when Yoongi kept on his silence and stare. "He may not be here anymore, but that doesn't mean the importance of his birthday goes with him. It's still a special day, and doing this will be a nice way to keep him alive in our memories."

I smiled at Yoongi when he remained silent, seeing as that was the only thing I could really do, and gently grabbed the lighter from his hand to light the candle again that was blown out by the wind. He didn't resist and continued to only stare at me, as if he was lost in his thoughts of what to do or say. 

"Well, shall we?" I asked when I successfully managed to light the candle this time. Much to my relief as if my heart was about to leap out of excitement, he gave a small nod. I went on to sing the Happy Birthday song alone and I had expected to do so. " . . . happy birthday dear Jin . . . Happy birthday to you,". I grinned at Yoongi. "Do you want to blow it?"

He slightly bent forward and blew out the candle without resisting. I was safe . . . for now. I went through my bag and pulled out two plastic forks and handed him one.

"I wasn't sure what flavor you like so I got coconut. I hope that's okay," I said. I then took a bite of the coconut cake and was surprised by the sweetness of it. It tasted better than I thought since I'm usually not a coconut fan. I made sure to pass off this impression to Yoongi so he would be tempted to eat it.

His hands were still underneath the table in his lap and his eyes were now staring at the cake. For a moment I thought he wanted to eat it with his eyes. Slowly, he raised his right hand and grabbed a piece with his fork. His face was still blank, but his solemn eyes told me that he wasn't angry. What exactly he was feeling I wasn't too sure, but at least I didn't have to transfer to another school after this. The fact that he didn't protest and was actually eating the cake was enough for me to count this as a success. It was a good thing I took this risk after all.

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CSanWS
#1
Chapter 47: I love both yoongi and sehun. But damn can you just let her ended up with yoongi? After she had been dumped by Sehun, eventho i love him. I can’t.
Iheartren
#2
Chapter 47: I’m finally caught up I recent stumble your story the story so far it’s interesting and I can’t wait for the next update i wonder what is going to happened next, keep up the good work 😊
Sey-ra
38 streak #3
Chapter 47: Omo ,you came back.And for Aereum don't go to the same part again.
fishaelee
#4
Chapter 46: it’s quarter to 4am now and im finally catch up with the chapters! i must say that reading this fic is such having a ride on a roller coaster. at first with the break up of sehun and areum, the pain she felt and how badly everyone treated her... also yoongi’s side story too... im pretty sure there will be a triangle love happening in the future too xD
fishaelee
#5
Chapter 29: yesss areum did it. i hope there will be justice for yoongi soon
fishaelee
#6
Chapter 28: AREUM !!!! :((((
fishaelee
#7
Chapter 27: areum don’t u dare let him slip away like that-
fishaelee
#8
Chapter 16: and how sehun started dating irene, the girl who had been the anti of his previous relationship since day one? oh man i fking hate it here, tf did u just do sehun ah
fishaelee
#9
Chapter 16: okay i’ve suffered enough with the first 9 chapters and i am just so frustrated and my heart hurts so bad for what happened to areum. I CAN FEEL THE PAIN thru the words u wrote...
Sey-ra
38 streak #10
Chapter 42: Sorry but I am still frustrated with Aerum.