Some nights I would wake up in the middle of my sleep to hear silence screaming in my ear, and then just stare up into the darkness as I think about everything that's been happening in my life. Tonight was one of those nights. There were so many thoughts cluttered into my mind because of every obstacle and hardship that I've faced with ever since Sehun and I broke up, or maybe ever since school started and everybody came to know me as Sehun's ex-girlfiend. Maybe another reason why I was like this was because of what today marked- the 3rd month since he let everything go. Why am I holding on to this particular date that does no good for me? I honestly don't know. I just have a habit of holding on to days whenever something important or special occurs, but in this case nothing special happened. 

I just couldn't help but think back to the days when Sehun was the caring and clumsy boy that I spent everyday with. But these memories of our times together just led me to missing him even more and wanting to turn back time so I can be with the old Sehun. Nowadays, capturing a glance of his face just comes with great burden because of how much he has changed. Sure I don't directly talk to him that would tell me how he has changed as a person, but just the little details that I hear from or about him is starting to show it. I don't know how to describe it but he's just not that Oh Sehun that I know anymore. Definitely not the Oh Sehun that I fell in love with. I guess it's just a stage that people go through in high school where they change whether in their looks or personality. 

I decided to let everything go and just allow my mind to rest because of the possibility that the world might want to surprise me again tomorrow like it usually does. But much to my surprise, the week went by somewhat better than I expected with nothing new taking a blow at my face. Of course all the other things still happened. However, I guess I was letting my guard down and should have enjoyed every moment of "peace" because today the world decided to do its job again. 

Before I could even officially start my day, I could not help but move with caution and steadiness because of the pain in my back. I don't know if it's because of the way that I have been sleeping where I would only sleep on my side and face the wall so my parents won't see how bloated and red my face is from all the crying, but my back has been aching lately for the past few days. It wasn't until today where I couldn't ignore the unbearable pain that's been causing hesitation and cautiousness in my movements. I just prayed that the savage world decides to give me a break by not allowing it to be because of my scoliosis which I should have known better than to only sleep on my side, so I guess it was my fault in a way. 

Regardless, I tried to not allow my aching back to get the best of me that could make my life to become more miserable. I arrived at my locker just a few minutes later than usual, but I wasn't all too worried because of this schedule thing that Sehun and I are on, or at least I hope and think we are on. I opened my locker with caution and ease which was already causing a minor pain to my back, and I didn't want to test how much it would hurt if I did it normally. The last time I could recall my back acting up like this was about almost a year ago. For a moment, I was even starting to regret skipping out on all those doctor appointments that I actually hate with a passion. I just thought it wasn't needed to meet up with the doctors constantly since it didn't seem serious... I think.  

When it was finally time for P.E, I was glad that our teacher decided to give us a break (or maybe he was just lazy), and allowed us to do whatever we want. Like usual, all the girls sat down on the bench in the shade while the boys filled the courtyard with a competitive game of volleyball. I sat down on the first set of bleachers just to make it easier for myself which also coincidentally separated me away from the rest of the group that I wanted to be nowhere close to. Although I would rather go do something else but couldn't and was stuck here, I decided to watch the boys play volleyball to give myself an update of how much some of the actual players have improved. 

By the looks of it, Chanyeol definitely improved and finally used his height to his advantage. About time Mr. Giant. Jongin was good like always with his setting skills. The Chinese kid surprised me a bit with how well he got better at his defense. Baekhyun... Not so much. He was still a bench warmer by the looks of it and probably only got into the team because of his friends hyping up his skills that were nowhere to be found. The rest looked like they did improve which was expected or else there was no point of all those hours of practices.

When I was ready, I allowed my eyes to focus on him this time to see how much he has improved since the very last time that I saw him play. To put it simply, as much as I didn't want myself to admit it, I was glad to see that he has definitely improved that deserved him every right to be on varsity. 

Suddenly, my attention was cut off and I was kicked right back into reality when I heard a roar of gasps and gibberish along with yelling from afar. I turned my focus back to the volleyball court and before I could realize what was happening, I saw Yixing sprinting at full speed towards my direction. And by the looks of it, he was coming right at.... Me?

I could hear the ball bouncing off the bleachers right behind me after I was pushed and knocked back by full force, taking the living breath out of me. I felt the heavy weight lifted off me before creating an unsettling sound of someone or something tumbling onto the side roughly. Echoes of gasps and footsteps could be heard as I laid helplessly on the bench while struggling to get myself back up, but with every movement came a sharp and unbearable pain to my back that knocked me right back down onto the bench. Cold forms of sweat were now running down my body as I tried to get myself together and force some sense into me. But I struggled to think and even breathe as my vision of the bright blue sky started to blur, and the constant talking and questions were becoming inaudible. 

One second I could feel nothing, but the next my body was being overtaken by an intolerable sharp pain to my back. I was on the verge of tears as my mind somehow managed to convince myself that I was suffocating and helpless and that I needed to get help right at this moment or else I was going to die. I know that I wasn't and my mind was just being overdramatic, but I could not help but feel that way with the state that I was in. 

Just then. "Areum-shi. Are you okay?" asked the voice that managed to get my attention back. "Can you stand up?"

My vision became clear again and I was now staring at the class president whose head blocked the bright sky and turned everything into darkness. I don't know how I did it, but I was now sitting up on the bench despite my back that was crying to be rested.

"Are you hurt anywhere?" Kyungsoo continued as he kneeled down in front of me with his hand on my upperarm. 

"Are you okay?" Yixing joined with guilt in his voice.

I stared down at the ground to think about what just happened within the last minute before lifting my eyes to look Kyungsoo. However, my attention turned to the countless people who were now gathered around with their eyes staring right into my soul. My chest and shoulder began to tighten as chills caused the hair on the back of my neck to stand straight up. My ears began to pick up the whispers and words that were going around, and in that moment, I was ready to just run away as far as possible although deep inside I knew that wasn't possible. The unwanted attention and stares was starting to affect the pace of my deep breathing as I felt myself becoming smaller and smaller. My face was starting to burn and turn red as the stares and whispers continued. 

Suddenly, my eyes managed to freeze upon someone who was also staring at me like the rest of the crowd, but whether they were judging or pitying me I couldn't tell. His sharp eyes and blank expression was all that I could see. However, that didn't matter anymore because before I knew it, the pain to my back was replaced by a hole in my heart when I saw him take his girlfriend's hand before turning around to remove themselves from the crowd, as if whatever just happened was completely irrelevant to him. 

And at that moment, I was ready to explode and let my feelings take over as I watched his back walk further and further away from me. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs and curse at him and call him every word you could think of to describe a heartless piece of sh*t like him. I know that this wasn't any where near his fault, but I felt so betrayed for some reason. How could he just walk away as if I was not anyone important and he was completely clueless about my condition when damn right he used to be the most concern about it!

Despite the few people who were asking if I was okay, I still felt like I was left behind in a helpless state to rot while he continued on his way with his hands wrapped tightly around the person who he now only has eyes for. 

I carefully made my way out of the nurse's office after being examined and receiving a guilt trip on skipping out on doctor's appointments. I stayed in there for a good hour or two in order to recover and ease the pain away. Just then. 

"How's your back?" 

Kyungsoo? He still hasn't returned to class yet after dropping me off here? "It's fine... I guess." I really didn't want to talk about it and felt rather embarrassed to be honest. It was as if he was the start to the group of people that I would have to face with their nonstop staring and repetitive questions or mockful imitations.

"Shouldn't you visit the actual doctors instead-"

"Is it okay if I stop by my locker first and grab my history book? I forgot to grab it this morning." This was merely more of an excuse than actual necessity of the book. I really didn't want to hear anything more about the doctors and blah blah blah. I honestly heard enough from the Nurse not even more than about a minute ago.

He must have been quite baffled by my interruption as if I was not grateful for his concern when in fact I was. I really was thankful that he made sure I was okay and alive and even helped me to the Nurse's office, but I really didn't want to deal with questions anymore that I was probably going to have to answer once again when I got home.

"You can go first." I then turned right towards the direction of my locker while the class president remained where he was, or at least that's what it seemed like since I wasn't hearing any footsteps.

Regardless, I decided to take my time to my locker not only because of my back, but also because I just wanted some time to myself. I haven't even come across anyone else yet, but I can't help but have this feeling that this moment was probably going to be the only time where I'll be collected and somewhat in ease. However, I felt like ripping my hair out everytime the flashback of Yixing crashing into me kept on replaying in my head where I basically overreacted and remained helplessly on the bench as if I just got shot or something. And I felt like ripping my hair out even more when I know deep inside my head that I could have prevented all of this by moving out of the way or sitting further away from where the game was taking place. Come on Han Areum! You should know better since you attended most of the volleyball games throughout the years! There is no such thing as consideration of others in the mindset of these volleyball players. Their only focus is on the ball!

I decided to make another right turn instead of taking the short way to my locker just because I needed more time to think to myself, or more like I needed more time to yell at myself for being so stupid. However, I realized a second too late that I made a BIG mistake.

My footsteps came to a sudden halt, and my heart started to beat fast when I saw a familiar figure towards the middle of the hallway. He was going through a locker, and notice how I said a because that wasn't his locker since I sure as heck know that we weren't anywhere near our lockers yet. However, my heart almost came to a stop when he closed the locker and turned towards my direction where we were now facing each other. I took a moment to look at his hand where I saw him holding a book which I'm guessing was the history book that I also wanted to get from my locker.

But wait. What was he doing here, and whose locker was he going through? But before I could ask myself any further questions, I was quickly reminded and filled with anger that I had about an hour ago when I saw him walk further and further away while holding on to his girlfriend's hand. I brought my eyes to look pass him since my lips was starting to quiver with aggravation and a sense of betrayal. I don't know what I might just do if I continued to look at him or some possible words were exchanged.

I rolled my eyes and swallowed before continuing my footsteps in order to bring an end to this silent encounter on this side of the school where I never thought that we would meet. Meanwhile, he stood where he was without moving a finger, and I couldn't tell what he was doing or if he was looking at me. What kind of dumba*s just stands still like that in the hallway? Even so, I felt my face getting hotter that for a moment I wondered if there was steam boiling out from me. And this only worsened when I managed to somehow walk pass him while he was still in his robotic stance and waiting to be activated or controlled or something. Was he still alive?

But as upset as I was with him and wanted to pound his face against the lockers, the ongoing silence and increasing distance in between us only made me want him so badly to speak up and say something. Anything. Was he going to be a jerk even more and not ask how I was doing so far? I mean I guess I could somehow come to understand that he walked away earlier for the sake of his girlfriend to show that he has no business nor feelings for his ex-girlfriend, but his crazy girlfriend is nowhere to be found right now! I wanted to be reassured that he was still the Oh Sehun I knew and only acts differently in front of his girlfriend so she does not misunderstand. As complicated as I sound right now as a big hypocrite, I just want him to say something that will satisfy my broken heart and answer my question that he is still the same person!

I don't expect him to say anything more than a few words. A simple, are you okay would do.

However, the distance in between us only continued as I continued to walk further and further away from him this time. And the moment my ears picked up the next sound in this silent hallway, I turned around in a bolt and lost it.

"Why did you do that?" My eyes tearing up and my voice shaking, wondering if I really just did that right now.

He stopped in his track and turned around to look at me with a confused expression. What was there to be confused about? There's no need to play stupid right now.

"Earlier... How- Could you just wa-walk away like that?" My words breaking up that were probably hard for him to comprehend since it was already hard as it is for me.

But before I knew it, the confusion in his face was replaced by his usual blank and robotic expression, as if he didn't seem too affected by what I was starting. And with that, it only triggered me more and was even starting to set me off.

"I mean. I didn't expect you to help, but don't you think it was a little too much when you just walked away like that?" My breathing picking up even more and my mind spinning out of control with numerous thoughts, and the mixed of emotions piling up in me wasn't making things any better.

I continued to stare at his blank face to look for a twitch in the eyebrows, or movement in the muscles to show me that he was actually listening and thinking about what I just said which was causing him to remain silent all of this time. However, a few seconds of silence past and I wasn't sure if I felt more foolish and stupid right now than when I overreacted earlier. His silence and expressionless face could even make the smartest kid feel stupid and small.

Just then. There it was. His eyes were brought down to look at something below my waist as his calm expression remained. His jaws then dropped and his mouth finally opened. The moment that I've been waiting for.

"How is your hand doing?"

My eyebrows furrowed in complete confusion and disbelief and dissatisfaction and even anger. Was he mocking me by bringing up my hand that was completely irrelevant to what this whole situation deals with? How in the world does my hand have anything to do with my back and what happened today-

An image of his trembling hands and lips and eyes filled with fear and anxiety flashed before my eyes. I was suddenly reminded about that one time when he saw my fingers dripping with blood after I accidentally slammed it like an idiot. The next thought just made me realize that karma does exist after all but was nowhere on my side, and it felt as if I was suddenly hit with a big wall of realization that my mind somehow managed to block out until now.

The way he left me today was no different than weeks ago when I left him in a helpless and boxed-in state to face his biggest fear. And before my heart could fully accept this guilt and sudden slap of karma in the face, I felt another hole to my heart form as I watched him turn around to walk away... Again.

~End of Chapter 12~