Jealousy and Heartaches

Jealous of the girl who caught your eye

One of my darker days

When you looked at her where was I?

Shoulda been in her place

Here I am

All alone imagining what could have been

If I had been there

--Jealous, Nina

It was fun tripping down the memory lane. Every moment during our younger years was a portrayal of a young love bloomed in the young hearts of a boy and a girl—fated to be together right from the very start.

Another year passed us by and we were not getting any younger. Time sure swiftly flew, like lightning hitting the ground in less than a second. We were in our sophomore year in secondary school. We were both changing—I think it was for good.

Fourteen years of being together, whatever bond was forming between us, I think it was really written in our destiny. There was no doubt about it. Those years brought me the feeling of being loved with the man that would be my partner for the rest of my lives. I’m used to being with him. We have a lot of good memories together way back then, and a few of sad memories that made us strong each day.

Half of the year quickly rolled us by like clouds up above.  But fate challenged our friendship so early. It shook the strong cement that holds us for so long.

A head-turner beauty transferred in our school in the middle of the school year. She was really beautiful. My eyes weren’t deceiving me for what it was seeing.

There was a time I had the chance of seeing her face-to-face. It was lunch break and everyone was in the cafeteria, lining up in the food counter. This pretty lad was standing before me. We exchanged hi and hello—a short conversation build up between us before she walked away to find a seat.

Im Yoona was her name. Nice name for a pretty girl with a pretty face like her. After two or three weeks, we became close friends. We often hanged out together in downtown. I treated her like a best friend. Although I have Donghae with me, they were different. Donghae is someone so dear and special to me while Yoona is someone I can talk to every night about random girl things and stuffs that only girls like us could understand. And since Donghae and I were not in the same classroom, it was Yoona who was always with me.

One fine afternoon while the sky was full of flying birds, chirping happily in the air, I got the chance to introduce Yoona and Donghae to each other. We were about to enter the library to do some research when Donghae passed by in a hurry.

“Hae…” I said as I called out his name. He smiled. He always did anyways whenever he saw me.

He stopped suddenly in front of me. “Jessie, it’s been awhile since I last saw you. I missed you.” He said.

“I missed you too. By the way, meet my new friend, Im Yoona. Yoona this is Donghae.” I said.

“Hi!” Yoona said in sweet tone, extending her hand gleefully.

“Hello!” Donghae said warmly and placed a small smile on her lips but disappeared after awhile when reaching for her hand.

I saw an obvious awkwardness between them, but I managed to not care at all. I knew Donghae would feel a little weird because I never introduced him to anyone for years—especially to a girl.

Donghae released his hand from her tight gripped. “Nice to meet you.” He uttered as he stood closely to where I was.

“Hae, be nice to Yoona, okay? She’ll be our new companion.” I said, thinking it was a nice idea I ever did in my entire life. Donghae just gave me an unsure nod.

He was about to leave when he remembered something. “Jessie, my team will be having a match-up practice this coming weekend, I hope you could come.” He said.

I didn’t give an answer as Yoona butted in, “Can I come, too?” She said with a pretty-please-expression written all over her face.

Donghae couldn’t say no. “Fine.” He answered bitterly. “How about you, Jessie?” He turned his gaze to me, hoping to hear a positive response.

I pretended thinking hard that I couldn’t decide about her invitation. “Please, say yes…” He said as the palm of his hands faced each other with a puppy-eyes looked.

I laughed a silly laugh. “Of course I’ll be there. Even if you don’t ask me to come, I’ll still come.” I said, tapping his shoulder.

His enjoyment was nowhere to be hiding. It was written obviously on his face. With that happiness I saw in his face, he could jump any time soon. “Thanks!” He said as he pecked a kiss on my cheek.

“Oh, what’s with that?” I queried out of surprise.

“It’s my thank you way.” He said, winking his both eyes and then walked on.

“Where are you going?” I said as I tried to stop him.

“I have to do something. I’ll be walking you home after school. Promise! See yah!” He said and then ran away.

Though his appearance changes from year to year, from a boy to a young man and hopefully to be a real man soon—he was still the sweet boy I met before. His gestures remained as saccharine in taste as chocolates and lollipops melting inside my mouth.

“Why is he so sweet to you?” Yoona disturbed my early daydreaming with a question I couldn’t answer straight.

“He’s sweet to me since we were young. He’s always been because we were childhood friends…” I said, hoping I could give her the answer she was looking for.

“Is that so? I wonder how childhood friends can be as sweet as you and him whenever you’re together.” She said with scrutinizing looks. Her eyes were asking for more, for a deeper reason to my answer. But I couldn’t provide her any.

“Yeah, because we knew each other since then.” I said, trying to be sparing to my answer.

“If so, can we be sweet to each other, too?” She said, asking question that was stupid for me to answer.

“You and him, being sweet together? Are you kidding me Yoona? You just meet him today and you’re dreaming being sweet to him in an instant?” I said to myself, feeling a little piss against her.

“No!” I said as my emotions ruled me.

“What?” She asked shockingly.

“I m—mean, of course, you can be sweet but not too sweet.” I said, emphasizing every word so she could understand what I meant.

“Thanks!” she replied joyously as she stepped on the library and turned out to be deaf for an hour or two.

I just shrugged as I followed her inside. I couldn’t understand why she has to be sweet to Donghae like what I used to. I’ve known her for weeks but I couldn’t judge her just like that. It was hard to judge when I didn’t see falsehood against her words and actions.

After school, I saw Donghae standing by the gate. He was talking to someone maybe one of his team mates when his eyes caught me, walking towards him. He waved with broad grin on his face. I waved back. “How long you’ve been waiting for me?” I said as I placed my hands behind my back and swung from left to right acting cutely like a little child asking for something to her parents.

“About 15 minutes, I guess.” He said, taking a quick glance at his wristwatch.

“I see. I thought you waited so long already.” I said as I tangled my arm around his arm.

He shook his head. “Shall we go my princess?” he said, patting my hand.

“Yes.” I said with starry-eyed.

We stopped doing this thing for quite sometime because he was a little busy with his school activities and so I was yet and still I felt great doing simple things like this. I missed doing this with him—walking side by side, breathing same air, and exchanging funny stories.

“How did you meet that girl?” he said, sounding a little interested. The atmosphere around us turned to be serious.

“In the cafeteria…we exchanged hi and hello and short conversations and not just that we’re seatmates too.” I answered.

“Really? I didn’t like her.” He said, spilling the beans so quickly.

“Shhh…lower your voice. Other students might hear you. Im Yoona is a famous among students, especially boys.” I uttered.

“Is that so.” He replied.

“Yes.”

Donghae mum’s the word until we reached our house front yard. We suddenly stopped when we saw Yoona standing in front of our gate. “Yoona…” I said, calling out her attention.

“I just want to give you this.” She handed me a pink paper bag.

“What is this for?” I said as I was in doubt to accept it.

“It’s a thank you gift for being my friend in and out of school.” She answered.

“Oh, I can’t accept this in exchange of what I did for you. Friendship has no worth for me.” I said as I refused her present.

“C’mon. This is just a simple present. Accept this or I will get mad?” She insisted with conditions and I didn’t want to choose either of it.

“Just accept it, so that she could go home and leave us alone.” Donghae murmured.

Without words, I accepted her present. She hugged me so tightly that I could barely breathe. Afterwards, she bid her farewell to us.

“I didn’t know she’s sweet.” He said, breaking the silence between us. “Go inside and have rest.” He continued as he opened the gate for me.

“Thanks!” I said as I entered.

“You’re welcome.” He replied, waving for goodbye and turned around.

I waved back until he disappeared. “I wondered if Yoona was really a sweet girl.” I thought to myself.

On the day of the match-up, I arrived really late as I slept deeply the other night because of too much homework and projects. I saw Donghae sitting on one of the seat in the grandstand with a familiar girl beside him. They were laughing. And Yoona was comfortably wiping his back with a towel. She even handed him a bottle of cold water. My heart suddenly sunk in. I couldn’t felt it as it stopped from beating. It was hurt. And my eyes were jealous of what I was seeing that time. Two young people who were friends for not so long yet they looked like lovey-dovey, enjoying the sunset.

I was taken aback from what I witnessed. I took steps backward though it was hard for me to do so. My eyes started to cry and my heart started to feel its first heartache. I thought I would be fine seeing them together. But seeing them sweetly with each other, I just couldn’t bear it. and pain continued to creep inside me—damaging my whole being internally.

It was too late when Donghae noticed me. The very time he saw me was the time I ran away—a run to save my heart from further breaking and aching. I was afraid to hear what he was going to tell me.

“What if he asks me to forget about everything…about us…our promises? Do I have the courage to answer those questions he’s going to say right through my face? If worst comes to worst, I have to accept.”I said as tears kept rolling down my cheeks.

“Jessica, wait… it’s not what you think. Please, believe me.” I heard him shouting those words. But I never tried listening to him. My eyes saw it clearly. I rejected his calls, erasing his messages without reading it and even avoided seeing him around.

School days came in again and I was feeling afraid. I wasn’t ready to face him yet after what happened last weekends.

“I wish not to see him until my classes end.” I murmured with fingers crossed behind me.

But wishes sometimes don’t come true because I was about to enter our building, Donghae was there—standing with a sad face. His eyes were very apologetic as our eyes met. But before it lasted for seconds, I redirected my glance to somewhere else. I tried escaping, yet he quickly grabbed my hand. “Hear my explanation first before avoiding me, Jessica. Please?” He said, holding my wrist still.

My back was facing her. And my eyes started to cry again. “What’re you going to explain to me? Everything’s so obvious that day. You enjoyed her company.” I said as I started to lose my head.

“It was friendly conversation. And…”

But before he could continue, I barged in. “Friendly conversation with wiping of your back and handing you a bottle of cold water. Is that what you think is friendly?” I said, trying to control my rage that was about to explode.

“What’s wrong with that? You said that I should be good to her. And I’m doing it for you.” He said, reasoning in a falsehood way.

“Good and sweet are different. If you think being good is being sweet, then, consult a dictionary and find it’s deeper meaning.” I said, turning to face him with fierce eyes.

“I don’t want us to be too much affected with this issue. Let’s forgive and forget. Please, Jessica…I love you way too much, you know that.” He uttered, squeezing my both hands.

“I want to hear Yoona’s explanation before we closed and buried this issue.” I said firmly, staring straight to his eyes. He nodded and hugged me so tightly.

“I love you…I love you every day and always.” He said.