The first two years…

It's been a week after the parting, yet I still wasn't used to be alone—doing the things we used to do together before. Seemed like whenever I looked around, he was there, standing and smiling before me. It was hard for me to wake up every morning knowing that I wouldn't see him around. And it was hard for me to close my eyes every night and have a peaceful sleep when I keep on thinking about him. It wasn't easy and I think it would take me a lot of time to get used to this kind of new routine.

It was Friday when I received an overseas call from Donghae, my long distant lover. "Hello?" I said as I felt my heart thumping because of too much joy and excitement.

"How's my princess?" He asked as I recognized something in his voice.

"I'm missing my prince so much!" I exclaimed as I jumped off of my seat.

"And your prince misses you too...a lot!" He said giving emphasis to the last five words the most.

I walked on towards my bed and lied down before confirming the feeling I sensed in his voice awhile ago. "Are you tired?" I asked.

He let out a long sigh before answering, "A little bit."

I suddenly felt sad. "How's your part time job there?" I asked again.

"It's fine but a little tiring sometimes. But I can handle. Anyways, what did you do the whole day?" He asked me in return.

"Well, I spent my day with mama, looking for the best universities. Tomorrow I have to take my entrance exam in a girl school. Mom doesn't want me to enter in a university with boys and girls. She's afraid that I might fall out of love with you when I get a chance to meet other boys while you're away." I said while pinching the edge of my pillow.

"Aunt is so strict. You can enrol in whatever university you want. I want you to enjoy your college while I’m away, so that for awhile you can forget that I’m not there. And besides, I trust you." He said chuckling but got serious when he said that he trusted me.

"Thank you! And I hope you're doing the same. You can have my approval and do whatever you want, except for three things—no cigarettes, no alcoholic beverages, and most importantly no girls." I said, acting like a strict and terror teacher in front of class.

He laughed while saying, "Yes, Ma'am", like most students do.

After a short conversation he finally hung up as he thought of the phone bills.

We said goodbyes with happy hearts.

I took up my entrance exam the next day for the exclusive girls’ school that my mother liked for me. And the other day, I took up another entrance exam for the university I really wanted to go in.

After the busy week of reviewing and taking exams, I decided to land a part time job while it was still vacation. I wanted to make myself busy. So I could not think about him most of the mind. If I continued doing the same thing over and over again—I might lose my mind and end up being a crazy.

I took as a part time waitress in a coffee shop not far away from our place. At first, my parents both disagreed. But later, father said yes as he noticed that I started being lonely that I stayed up all day inside my room. He said he was feeling for me. And that he couldn’t afford to see his little princess to be so lonely and all.

My part time work helped me a lot to somehow forget Donghae. And I started saving money to help my parents in my school though they have the ability to send me to school.

The next five months became difficult for us. If we got the chance to talk over the phone four to five times a week, recently he seldom calls, but he never failed to send me emails. Somehow we were still surviving from our current situation.

The difference in time added tension to us. Whenever he calls, I was out for work or sometimes still asleep. And whenever I called him, my calls were always being transferred in to voice mail box.

On my first day off, I decided to call him up. Donghae didn’t pick my first two calls. On my third call attempt, an unfamiliar voice answered the phone. “Hello?” the person on the other line greeted me happily.

“Hello? May I speak to Donghae, please?” I asked politely.

“Donghae is out for awhile. Who’s this?” The person queried.

“Uhm…I’m Jessica. I’m Donghae’s girl friend.” I answered.

“I didn’t know he has a girl friend. Well, I’m Tiffany. His co-worker.” The lady said a little surprise.

“It’s nice to know you, Tiffany. Can I ask a favour from you?” I said.

“Anything…”

“Can you please tell Donghae when he arrives to return my call?” I asked, though I knew it wouldn’t be possible.

“Don’t worry I’ll tell him.” Tiffany said. I said thanks before hanging up.

The night deepens; I was outside the veranda, walking back and forth while waiting for his call. “I should be sleeping right this time. But still, here I am, patiently waiting for his call with no assurance that he’s going to return my call.” I mumbled as I hugged myself alone when the cold air blows.

“Sweetie? Aren’t you going to bed now? It’s getting late and you still have work tomorrow.” Mom said as she walked towards me, tapping my shoulder.

“I want to, but I’m still waiting for Donghae’s call.” I answered as I faced mom with unhappy face.

“You looked sad, something bad happened?” Mom asked.

“Well, honestly, I just really wanted to hear his voice before I got to bed. It’s been awhile since our last conversation over the phone and I miss him so badly, Mom.” I confessed to mom the hardship I was going through the past few days.

“I thought you’re sending emails with each other every other day…” Mom uttered as she touched the tip of my nose.

“Mom, he didn’t send me any replies on the last emails I sent him a month ago. He didn’t even return my calls as often as he did before. And the worst is, I called him today and a girl answered the phone. According to her, she’s Donghae co-worker. Though I knew the girl is saying true, I couldn’t help but wonder why a girl is staying on Donghae’s home.”I said, looking down at no one in particular. My visions turned blurry as tears started to come out of my eyes.

“Oh, sweetie, don’t stress your self too much about that nonsense. I know that my godson is a faithful lover. Maybe, he’s just too busy living alone since his parents is not with him there. Just understand his situation. And don’t conclude unless you hear his side of the story.” Mom said, tapping my shoulder again, before putting a small grin on her face.

“That’s why I wait for his call, Mom.” I simply uttered while putting a forced smile on my lips.

“It’s better if you two will talk tomorrow. I know you’re still not in a good condition to talk about it. Come on, let’s go inside and have rest.” Mom held my hand tightly while waiting for me to make a move.

“Okay then, Mom. Thanks!” I said as I started taking steps.

I lied down on my bed with a bothered mind. The tears that I never wanted to flow out of my eyes started to wet my cheeks and my pillows. The first tear drops on my pillow was hurting me so much that I wanted to see the sun in a snap and work hard on my job.

The next morning, I woke up almost lunch time. I saw mom and dad hanging in the living room, watching a movie. I slowly walked to the back door and hid my puffy eyes away from my parents.

As I was on my way to the coffee shop, my phone started to ring. When I picked it up, I saw Donghae’s name flashed on the screen. I answered it, “Hello?” with annoyance in my voice.

“Hello my princess! Sorry if I return your call just now. I’m sorry that I’m so busy.” He said with an apologetic tone of voice.

“You’re busy with work or you’re busy with Tiffany?” I asked so straightforward that I didn’t think of what he would think or feel about the way I threw the question on him.

“What are you saying? Tiffany is just a friend. And it’s true that I’m busy with my work.” He said, defending himself.

“Then why is she in your home when I called yesterday?” I queried, calming myself.

“She’s here to give me the result of my scholarship exam that I took a month ago. I don’t have spare time to go grab it in the school as it conflicts my working hours that’s why I asked her for a favour since she’s on the way to school after her shift that day. And the time you call is the time I go out to buy foods and that’s also the time when Tiffany came. So, I let her in and wait for me until I came back and she eventually leaves when she handed me my favour. I didn’t break my promise to you. So, please, don’t get mad at me.” He explained.

“Really, are you saying the truth?” I said, trying to make things clear.

“I’m saying the truth and nothing but the truth, princess. I can’t lie to you. And I’m happy to share the news to you that I passed the scholarship exam.” He said so sweetly that I forgot the tears I cried last night. I even forgot the hurt feeling that was staying inside my heart for quite awhile. “I love you, Jessica. I really do…” He continued.

“Thanks! Sorry for thinking such. I just can’t avoid not to think of anything after what happened. And congratulations for making it. I love you too.” I replied as sweetly as he did.

“By the way, before I forgot…how are you?” He asked.

“I’m fine and I’m on my way to the coffee shop. I forgot to tell you that I am working too…as a part time.” I uttered as I hopped on the bus.

“Part time job? Do you really have to do that?” He asked again, worried.

“I have to do this since I’m bored at home. And I don’t want to die because of boredom.” I answered, chuckling.

“Fine. I understand. But please, be careful with your health, princess, okay?” He said in a worried way.

“Yes, I know that. Please do the same, prince. I miss you…” I said as my eyes started to become teary again.

“I miss you, too. I have to hang up now. I’ll call whenever I have my free time. Goodbye” He said.

“Okay, I’ll wait. Bye…”

Days and nights passed by so quick for a busy lady like me. After those days of adjustments, I learned how to live without Donghae beside me. I learned to wait patiently. And my understanding widen since then.

I became mature when it comes to thinking.

I became strong when it comes to challenges.

Half of the year had finally gone in a snap. My contract as a part timer in the coffee shop just ended since school has just started. I passed to the university I prayed hard for. I really didn’t want to enter the girls’ school. Lucky me, I failed their entrance exam. And my parents have nothing to do with it.

My first month as a college student was fun. I met new friends. I met good teachers and school staffs. I met new things and I realized there were still a lot of things that I have to know and learn. And I thought I was fine living in the world where I and Donghae only exist.

During my first month, there was a boy named Onew who never got tired of asking me same set of questions everyday—a couple of questions that I found easy to answer. But I chose not to entertain him and keep my focus on my studies.

I stayed away from Onew though I knew he was harmless. I just wanted to distance myself from the people who has almost similar attitude with Donghae. I avoided that because I have this sure feeling that I might fall for someone who was not him, but exactly like him.

Avoiding him was no good as I unluckily seen him almost everyday in the same class. We often talked about random school stuffs, but not personal related things.

Months passed by and I decided to accept Onew in my life as a friend—nothing more, nothing less…only friends.

Onew became my crying shoulder when I missed him. He became my good adviser. And even a good cheerer. He keeps me happy and cheerful everyday. That was helping for my part since Donghae wasn’t around to do such things for me.

Acquaintance Ball was about to come and Onew asked me to be his date. I couldn’t say yes right away as I wanted to ask Donghae’s approval about it first. And though we seldom talked to each other over the phone, I never failed to send him emails every single day when I got home. And though it took ages for him to reply, I kept on doing the things that would lessen the feeling of being apart from him.

I was on the cafeteria one afternoon, reviewing alone when Onew sat on the vacant chair that was in front of me. “Jessie, can you be my date on the upcoming Acquaintance Ball?” He asked me as he simply turned the pages of his book slowly.

I didn’t look up. I was afraid to see his face. “I still have to think about it. Give me enough time. I’ll answer that a day before the ball.” I said as I took a bite on my cinnamon roll.

“I’ve been asking you this question for weeks. If you don’t want me to be your date, then, just say no. Don’t make me hope for nothing.” He said as his voice sounded to be sad before my ears.

“I’ll give you my answer a day before the party. Isn’t that clear to you?” I said, annoyed.

“Fine. I’ll just wait for it. Just don’t forget, okay?” He said, assuring.

“I promise…” I said as I closed the book I was reading, stood up and turned my back away from him.

“Je—Jessie…” He called out my name, but I didn’t turn around.

“Just leave me alone for now.” I uttered as I walked away from him.

“What should I do? He keeps on asking me about that ball. I can’t even decide since Donghae didn’t even answer my emails or my calls. What’s wrong with my boyfriend then? He seems to be so distant that I couldn’t reach him anymore whatever I do. It’s getting harder and harder.”I mumbled as I headed to nothing in particular. It seemed like my mind was floating freely in the air. But deep thinking suddenly disappeared when I felt my phone vibrating continuously inside my pocket.

An unknown number appeared on the screen of my phone. “Hello?” I said as I decided to answer the call.

“It’s me, Donghae. I’m so sorry if didn’t return your calls or even reply in emails you sent me. I have no time to do so…” he said as he was gasping for breath.

“I thought you already forgot that you have a girl friend worriedly waiting for you. You have no time? I’m busy with school and other stuffs too, but why I can still manage to call you though you never answered it and even send emails everyday that it took ages before I received a reply from you?!” I said as my angry bursts out like volcanic eruption.

“I’m finding hard to balance my studies and work. Can’t you understand that?!” He yelled out.

“I understand that. I always try to understand you. But why you can’t understand me and my feelings? Why are you suddenly acting so weird like that?” I asked as I tried to remain okay, though deep inside I wanted to cry.

“Then why ask me with so many questions like that if you really understand me?” He asked, his voice remained in a yelling tone.

“Fine. I won’t ask you nonsense questions if that’s what you want. But let me ask you about something. I need your answer so badly.” I said as tried to calm the brewing storm between us.

“What?” He replied shortly.

“I just wanted to ask you if I can attend the upcoming acquaintance ball. My friend Onew wants me to be his date. Are you fine with that?” I asked as I started feeling unwell.

Donghae became so quiet on the other line. I started thinking what he was thinking after my question. I was so nervous that I, too, became tight-lipped for awhile. I started biting my lower lip unconsciously. I even fiddled my fingers while waiting for his answer.

“Do you really have to attend the party?” He asked me back as his voice suddenly became gloomy.

“Yes, I have to…” I answered.

“Is that so, you can go then. Just behaved yourself properly and be home early.” He said, concerned.

“Tha—thank you.” I said before letting out a sigh of relief.

“I have to hang up now. I still have to go to work.” He said without even saying goodye.

After that talk, I decided to go to the library and return the book I borrowed. On my way to my next subject, I saw Onew. He has that calm face today. He smiled so warmly to me that I found myself smiling back at him.

“Are you on your way to your next subject?” He asked me as he leaned to the wall while placing his hands inside the pockets.

“Yes.” I uttered without sense of happiness in me.

“Let’s walk together since my next subject will be on the room next to your room.” He said as he held my hand and we started half-walking and half-running in the middle of the sea of students that was walking back and forth along the aisle coz we were both going to be late if we couldn’t move fast.

After some struggling, we reached our destination. I was about to enter my room when Onew pulled me towards him that I lose balance that I found myself in his arms.

I felt my heart thumping so loud against my chest. It was a kind of thump that could make my heart jumped out of my chest any moment.

“I’ll walk you home later. So, wait for me at the school gate.” Onew said as he helped me regain my balance.

I only plastered a forced smile on my face before leaving him behind without giving my reply to him. I didn’t owe him any yes or no because first, I’m owned by someone. Second, he wasn’t my boyfriend. And third, we were only friends. Besides, friends shouldn’t be too closer to each other that they almost seemed to be like a couple. And I didn’t to be unfaithful to Donghae. I assured to myself that I just couldn’t do it no matter how romantic Onew could be.

After my class I tried to escape from Onew, but he still caught me by surprise as he was standing happily at the school gate, wearing that annoying smile of him—a smile that I hated to see coz it seemed like he always won on a battle field whenever he sees me.

We walked home without talking at each other.

Days rolled by and Acquaintance Ball has finally arrived. I was feeling nervous as I waited for Onew to pick me up in our house. Daddy wanted it to be that way coz he wanted to check what kind of guy was my date that night. And when Onew came, Daddy coughed softly to catch his attention when he sat down on the couch. Onew froze for a second before uttering, “Good evening, Sir,” he said nervously.

“Good evening young boy. I’m not taking much of your time; I just wanted to remind you to take care of my princess. And don’t forget to drive her home when the party is done.” Daddy said.

“Yes, and don’t worry Sir, I’ll take care of your princess.” Onew said.

“That’s good since her boyfriend is not here to do things to her like that. I’m counting on you, so, don’t disappoint me.”

Onew nodded before glancing back at me with a grin. I only smiled back at him before deciding to intervene in their conversation.

“Dad, you’re scaring him,” I said in between chuckles. “I think, it’s enough for that and we have to leave now or else we’ll miss the first part of the party.”

“Okay, fine…You two can leave now. Be sure to be at home after the party. And young boy, drive safely.” Daddy said before kissing me on my cheek and Mom too.

At the party…

When we arrived at the La Costa Garden which is the venue of the party, Onew started guarding me so strictly. And I felt awkward about it. It looks like I’m a little child out for playing and my mother has to watch over me. And though he was over reacting all the way, everything went fine that night…even the dance.

He politely asked my hand for a dance which I gleefully accepted in return. We dance only once and it was enough for me to know more about him.

Onew’s parents were both engaged in business. His eldest sister is a lawyer and happily married for three years to a multi-billionaire businessman, too.  And he’s the youngest among two. According to him, though he has everything that an ordinary people wished to have, he was still feeling empty. I didn’t know what he actually meant by that. I really wanted to ask him more about his life, but when I saw loneliness in his eyes—I decided to stop asking questions.

When silence starting to surround us, he broke it by asking how long I’ve been into a long distance relationship. I didn’t want to open it up, but to be fair to him; I ended up doing it—freely.

“Not so long…” I answered in an unsure way.

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Have you ever tried giving up?”

“No. I’ve waited to be his official girl for years. It’s a crazy act for me to just give up my destiny because we’re far away from each other.”

“I wonder how you can survive that kind of relationship.”

 “As long as you love and trust the person there’s no way of not surviving it. If you really love your partner, you don’t easily give up whatever kind of storm comes and strikes your way, whether it’s strong or not. And if you’re meant to be together forever, even if you’re parted for years or even century, your roads will cross again.”

After what I said, Onew never asked question to me again. He was deep thought. The words that slipped out my mouth, I wasn’t sure about it. And I didn’t know how I can manage to utter such words even if I wasn’t sure about it. Crazy me!

After the dance, we sat again and have a few drinks. He never wander around, instead he sat there until the end of the party. He was beside me but he never talked to me. I wondered what was going on inside his mind.

We were in his car and on the road to my home when he asked me a weird question. “If I persevere is there any chance of falling out of love to him and falling in love with me?”

“Don’t ask silly questions like that, Onew. We’re friends, remember?”

“Maybe for you I’m a friend. But to me, you’re more than a friend.”

“While it’s still early, stop loving me before it’ll hurt you so badly in the end. I’m sure with what I feel for my man. And there’s no way of falling out of love. There’s a lot of fish in the sea…try to catch one that you deserve and deserving of your love. Not someone like me who is already committed.” I said as I tried to end up the conversation.

I saw disappoints in his face. But I couldn’t afford to comfort him. I was afraid that he might misinterpret the help I was about to offer him. So I let both of us drowned in the sea of silence.

Days and months passed again that completed a year of being a freshman student and Onew never talked to me again like before until the end of the school year. Whenever I met him at the school corridors, he turned away and chooses to take another way. It wasn’t easy for me. And it was hard for my part to lose a good companion. But I let it be. We let our friendship suffered the consequences.

Another year came after the other. And nothing has changed though Onew and I were in the same class all year round until our second year. He remained silent and alone. He spent his leisure time under the shade of the tree while playing his guitar. I knew it since I stole glances at him from afar.

He never approached me like he did before. Our friendship was really on the rocks and I hated the feeling of being sad and seeing him sad when we have happy memories together. Sometimes, it made me realized if waiting for Donghae without constant communication was really worth the wait. Sometimes, I felt he’s taking me for granted. I felt like I’m not his girl friend anymore.

But the tension between us suddenly disappears when I heard the conversation between my mom and Donghae’s mom one rainy morning. I was about to go downstairs to grab a hot cup of choco when I passed by the living room.

“I have to tell you something, Jessa. But please, don’t tell this to your daughter until I confirmed it,”said Donghae’s mom as she held mom’s hand and smiled forcedly.

“What is it all about?”Mom queried.

“My son, Donghae, called me up three days ago. He’s asking for some help…he seemed so confused,”said Aunt Daisy in a low tone of voice.

“Is there any problem? I can help, Daisy…”

“I think you can help him since he’s your godson. The problem is my son is torn between two loves and he didn’t know what to do. I wanted to talk to Jessica, but I didn’t know how to say it.”

“What do you mean?”Mom said worriedly.

“I’m afraid my son will soon fall out of love because of being separated to Jessica.”

“Then what should we do then?”

“Let’s talk to him both. Give him some advice.”

I heard their conversation so clearly that I felt my heart breaking in two. My knees were shaking that I almost fell on the ground. My hands were shaking too that the cup of hot choco in my hands started to spill out of the cup. I felt like collapsing because of it. Without making noise, I ran hastily to my room and threw my body on the middle of my bed. Tears started escaping out of my eyes. The pain started stabbing my heart that I heard it breaking into zillion pieces.

“Falling out of love? Torn between two lovers? Is that the reason why he suddenly turned cold? Why he never have the time to answer my calls and emails? Why do you have to be confused if you truly love someone?

In the span of two years everything between us suddenly changed—our feelings, our love, and our way of thinking towards life. In a short period of time the love was slowly disappearing, the promises were slowly breaking, and the trust was slowly nowhere to be found.

Deep inside my heart, I was still in love with him. But my heart never says the same thing. I, too, was confused about our situation.

A leaf is bloodily bleeding

A knife slashed it out if its branch

Slowly dying…

Slowly dying…

Like souls finding life

Like ghosts begging for a second chance

How can it be so lively again?

If the tree wanted its leaf out of its life

Slowly falling…

Slowly falling…

Hitting the ground so hard

Makes a leaf realize

That not all things

Are meant to last