Dealing with broken hearts

I took long strides fast before I lose all the courage I have inside and find myself crawling back to Donghae’s arms. I reached my sanctuary—my bed, I crawled up and curled up like a baby inside a mother’s womb. I embraced both knees tightly as my chest constricted from pain.

A bucket of tears landed freely on my pillow and I felt it coming from my eyes. It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made. I was so heartless not letting him explained himself. I was mad and confused after all. I didn’t know what the right thing to do.

In the middle of my crying, my phone beeped. It was a text message coming from Myungsoo and it reads: “I know you were just shocked and confused earlier. I know you reached the decision without consulting your heart. I knew all these because I saw it all in your eyes. Buddy, if you truly love Donghae, patch things up. I know it wouldn’t be easy but it will all worth it.”

I didn’t get what he actually meant by that. Maybe, I was still confused. “How can you love the same person twice after breaking your trust?” I replied.

“I know you can love again but you can’t trust again. I know also that trust is very important in a relationship. But if you really love that someone, if you really love Donghae, you can forgive him because you love him. After all, at the end of the day, it’s all about loving and forgiving.”

 Myungsoo is driving me nuts. And he made me more confused than I am. “I don’t get you. Maybe I get what you mean after tonight. I still need to rethink. Good night.”

After I sent my last reply, I turned off my phone. I strengthened up and looked p at the ceiling with my eyes turned blurry again with the tears forming around it.

I stood up near the window a few walk from my bed. I was hoping to see some stars, but the stars seem to hide behind the pitch dark sky. It was moonless and the darkness of the sky enveloped everything even the surrounding. I couldn’t see anything. And right in the middle of the blackness, my longing for my lost love started creeping in.

I hugged myself tightly, wishing Donghae would hug me tightly like this again. Then I remembered a song that broke me down on my knees.

If I could choose to live my life
there'll be no if's to say
if I would choose to hold your hand
there'll be no words to say
without thought
without pride
leave the things that seem to weaken us
without fear
without lies
let the magic turn your life around

if I would choose to touch u there
would u touch me there too
if u would choose to stay with me
I’ll spend my life with u
without thought
without pride
leave the things that seem to weaken us
without fear
leave your lies
let the magic turn your life around

-If, Rivermaya

DONGHAE'S POV:

I wanted to run after Jessica and make things clear, but Myungsoo stopped me and told me to give her time to think. He said she decided out of anger and not out of her will. Myungsoo left right after she closed the door while I choose to stay.

The night deepens and the gushing of cold air made me tremble.

I knew she was crying herself to sleep and it pained me to know that it was me who caused those tears to fall down. If only I could hug her right now, I would do it tightly if it's the only way to remove the pain. How I wish it to be the only way.

Right in the middle of my agony, Tiffany rang my phone but I never bothered answering it. I will never do mistakes out of my weaknesses as a man because I don't want to cause the queen of my heart more pain. And not answering Tiffany's call only means that I already put a period on whatever connection we have. Besides she's nothing to me. All that matters is the girl I love for yeas, who stood up beside whether it's good or bad. The girl who became a big part of my innocence. The girl I said promises years ago. The girl who never stopped loving me in spite all my heart's mistake. Now, I'm staring at the mess I made as she turned around and walked away. It torn me down. It pained me.

I was about to leave when I saw her through the window. I wanted to call her name, but I don’t have the courage so I stayed there in the dark, contented by just watching her while she stared at the moonless and starless sky.

“I get hurt the most when I hurt her,” I whispered as a tear trickled down my cheek.

JESSICA'S POV:

The next morning mother's sweet voice woke me up. She noticed those puffy eyes of mine as she ran her fingertips to it. She smiled so lovely before advising me to talk to her godson. She even confessed to me that Donghae reveals everything to mom. At first, I was hesitant to face him and engage in a talk. But mother's convincing power convinced me about 85 percent. I washed my face, brush my teeth, comb my hair and tied it in a bum.

I never mind changing my pink pajama and my large pink tee that almost looks like a dress to me. I walked down the stairs with a normal speed of walking. And though there's an urge inside me that I badly wanted to see her, I acted cool as cold as ice as I finally stood up in front of him.

My eyes looked around, avoiding to meeting his. As my mother exited to do an early grocery spree, the air around us became awkward. We were both speechless for a minute or two before he asked me to sit down.

"Jessica?"

"Hmm?" I moaned letting him know I heard him.

"Are you still mad?"

"Of course, I'm mad. Are you expecting me to react happily with a wide grin from ear to ear after what you did? Are you expecting me to be happy right now talking to you?” Vex written all over my face as I spoke up with gritted teeth.

“Of course, I didn’t expect you to be like that. Sorry for my silly question.” He replied, his gaze on the floor.

“What are you doing here?”

“I know I’ve done wrong. I cheated on you. I lied to you. I’m no good boy friend. You don’t deserve someone like me—“

“Hae, let’s stop taking back what we have once. We’re done on that road. Let’s stop hurting each other. I gave you your freedom because your happiness is more important than mine. Now, let’s both move on.” I said before taking a long deep breath.

“Jess, I can’t do that. After all the mistakes I did, I realized how much you mean to me. I love you, I really do.” He held my hands tightly and looked at eyes deeply.

I removed my hands from his grip. I turned around and put spaces between us. “Now I believe it when people say love is blind…”

“Why?”

“Because I must have been blind to like a person like you.”

“Are you regretting to love someone like me?” he asked in a fainting voice.

“Yes.”