Two more years…

The loneliness and longing kept on coming my way. In between those hard times, I love him still-steadfastly. And though the speculations like he was falling in love with another girl keeps on pestering me, that even our closest friends already knew about it, I just mum a word. I could only do was pray that his guardian angel would keep him away from temptations.

Two more years... I must remained stronger than before whenever I realized the time of waiting will be over soon. And that we will be together again was an elusive daydream I didn’t want to let go out of my grasp. But whenever I think of the days that I should wait patiently to pass by—I couldn't help but feel like I was always running out of enough time to save our struggling relationship in the middle of the vast ocean under stormy nights. It was nerve-wracking to know that any moment it would be drowned without my prior notice.

Day after day, month after month, I slowly sensing the tension brought by his non-existing presence. And the deafening silence he was making somehow caused random insane thoughts in my head—that I was just about to witness a volcanic eruption any time soon.

Three more months before his return, an unexpected overseas call beeped my phone. Our conversation started with exchanged of hello. The obvious awkwardness had surrounded us. Feeling each other, we could only hear the sighs we were making.

“Are you still there?” he said as he finally torn down the wall of silence between us.

“Hmm—“

“I’m glad to hear your voice after a very long time. I’m busy with school works and part-time job. How are you?”

“I’m doing well,” I plainly said without tint of happiness in my voice.

“I know you’re fine because you’re always with Onew, right?”

“What does Onew suppose to do with this conversation again, Hae?” I said as tried to calm myself with decrial I didn’t make.

“When I come home, let’s talk about us. I still trust you, Jess. So, don’t waste the trust I’m giving you.”

“You know what, Hae, you’re falsely accusing me. Onew is but a friend to me. Don’t involve him with our misunderstandings—he has nothing to do with it!” I squalled as exasperation got into my head.

For the past months, we’d been fighting a lot over the same person again and again the whole time he dropped a call. I didn’t know whether he was jealous of Onew or he was just like that since we were estranged for years and trusting each other was a big deal.

“Then avoid him! Is it hard to do?!” he yelled back at me.

“Can’t you see, I’m doing it?!”

“Fine! Should I give you a round of applause then?”

I stopped when I felt the wrath I was keeping for a long time was about to explode. I just sighed and mum a word again like I used to do.

“Hae, I don’t know why you’re acting so strange this past few months. You’re accusing me of the things I don’t do. You’re jealous to the person who’s out of the story. And the worst is…you’re creating your own ghost to afraid with,” I uttered as the warm tears touched my cheeks.

He changed a lot in a short span of three years. If before he replied my e-mails everyday with the same numbers of words used, recently he kept on replying me the only word “BUSY!” and if before he was calling from time to time whenever he has his leisure hour, nowadays he just kept on ignoring my call. Or if he luckily answered it, fights over the phones or nonsense argumentations were brought up by him.

“If you’re not tired of doing and saying the same things…me, I’m tired. And I don’t want myself to wake up one day hating you. Hae, you choose this kind of situation. Before you leave, you gave me an assurance, but now, it seems like all the waiting and the sacrifices we’re doing for each others are turning into waste. Don’t make things hard for the both of us, please…” I continued in between breaths as I started hyperventilating because of too much weeping.

I just couldn’t take the situation we were in. It was hard to take that some times I wanted to give up everything between us—the love, the faith, the promises.

“This relationship requires two to work on its best. But if I’m the only one to work hard for the best of this long distance relationship…the end of it might be around the corner.”

“So, what now? You want to break up with me?” he bawled in greeted teeth.

The rage he was showing me shook me inside. Down on my knees I cried hard as I tried to hold on and keep everything alive. And yes, stupidity slapped me on the face for the first time. And though this relationship wasn’t healthy anymore, I couldn’t fathom my love for him that I chose to stay beside him.

“I’m not breaking up with you. I just want you to know that we have to work harder together for the sake of this failing relationship. This is pain. But I have to understand. And I hope you widen your mind and open up your eyes that what you’re doing to me is just so hard. If you really love me, you won’t do this to me.”

He laughed strangely before saying, “And I love you so much that I’m asking you to avoid making friends with Onew. Can’t you see…Can’t you feel…that I’m jealous?”

The word I wanted to hear right straight to him and I’m right that he was jealous. But being jealous doesn’t required sharp-tongued and hurtful words.

“Okay, I will do and follow what you say just to stop the jealousy and all the fights. I’m so sorry.”

“I’m sorry, too.”

I didn’t know what he’s sorry for. Sorry for hurtful words? Sorry for accusations? Sorry for the pain? Or sorry for everything he had done wrong?

“Hae, I love y—“

“Jessica, I have to go. Bye.”

“Wait, Hae. Will you let me say those words before you hang up?”

“Just do it fast. I still have works to attend to,” he said, hasty.

“I love you. I love you so much!”

I was waiting for him to answer, but I guess, he wasn’t ready to give back the answer.

“I’ll hang up now. Take care. Bye!”

That was the most painful part of the conversation. My phone was still pasted on my ear, listening to the unending beep of the dial tone while hoping for him to answer back just even in my wildest dream. But he did not. I madly waited for his answer, but then I realized, I was afraid to hear that one simple little answer.

That same night I drowned my hurt heart in the sea of alcohol for the first time. I let myself sunk in intoxication, only to forget everything even just for one night. I knew it will cross my mind again the next day. But at least the pain wasn’t as searing as it used to be. Forgive and forget—that was my favourite routine. Under my drunkenness, I wrote this on the wall above the headboard of my bed:

Take away, take away my heart

Sometimes I’d rather be blind

Break a heart, break a heart of stone

Open it up, but don’t you leave it alone