Chapter 23: Contrition

There was a look in his eyes I had never seen before. And it took me a few moments to recognize it for what it was. Remorse.

I don’t deserve you, he said, half-defeated, half-hopeful. It was the most honest thing he had ever said to me. And he was right. He didn’t deserve me. Not by a long shot. But he had me nonetheless.

When Jiyong makes an album, his track will never be short by a thread on being perfect. It must be nowhere but beyond perfection. He was able to set the game in the music industry, it’s either he’ll be setting up the standard or he’ll jump over it. To achieve perfect all-kills, he must sacrifice a lot of sleep, and tons of redbull intakes. To live up to his fame, and to continue proving that his reign isn’t just a fad, all-nighters in YG studios must be done.

When the clock strikes after midnight he’ll be left alone in his studio. When he’s inside, he’ll have no sense of time, unless he remembers to check his phone.

Dara: Did you eat?!

Dara: Hey.

Dara: Jiyong, did you have dinner already?

His Sandara knows how he gets buried in recording sessions when he decides to create another masterpiece but hey~she can still spam him with messages.

Jiyong: Hello. I had something from the cafeteria.

Dara: Arasso. Almost done filming, See you.

Jiyong: ok. I love you, see you.

Dara: Kkkk. I love you too.

He stretched out in his chair, waking up his tight muscles. He grabbed his cigarettes and left to smoke in the rooftop. In the elevator he met some of his juniors, who were also recording, “Jiyong-hyung!!!” He nodded and tapped their Mino’s shoulders, “Do well!”

“Neh!”

The air brought chills, fall is about to come in. He brought the cigarette in between his lips and lit it. Puffing a couple of smoke to air his stress out, and just to mull over things while alone in the rooftop of their infamous building. Jiyong looked down, the blaring lights from the led screens of the buildings and from the cars travelling added colors to this starless cold summer night. He was lost in his own thoughts and finished two sticks of cigarettes. He forgot his phone inside his studio, in a way he doesn’t care. The sanctuary of this night is a luxury for him. Without knowing, that he has been brooding for over an hour.

His back was facing the door leading back inside the building. Then he heard her familiar little steps, a smile played on his lips, “she’s here.”

“I was wondering why you’re not picking up.” he heard her say. Turning towards her, she’s still all glammed up from Get it Beauty shoot—how can someone as beautiful as Sandara Park exist? “Hey.”Jiyong did not blurt out his queries, because that’s what her beauty does to him—speechless.

Dara approached him, grabbing his cigarette pack, “Hmmm.” Her eyebrows knitted counting how many more sticks were lift in his pack.

“I did not smoke that much today!” he defensively says. She said nothing, his smoking habits was never a problem for her, it’s just that these days he gets sick quite often, she begged him to cut off smoking. She’s had a long day today, but she came here to pick him up. She placed her head on his shoulder, “Let’s go home, jagi…” she softly said. If he’s hearing it right it has a tinge of aegyo.

“I still have to finish a track.” he reached out for her head and gently caressed it.

“But I want to sleep…” exhaustion was evident to her voice, it turned husky. Her shoots tend to last for the whole day.

“You could’ve gone home, I know you had a long day…” he’s giddy. He loves feeling needed by Sandara Park.

“I wanted to see you. We’re both busy these days, I’d rather lose some sleep.” Especially when, he might get drafted one of these days.

“Eottoke…what’s gotten in to you?!”

“Exhaustion…” He grabbed her hands and entwined it into his, pulling her, so they can go back inside, “One more hour, jagi..” he mumbled.

“Okay, I get to have the couch!” she replied. Jiyong wrapped his arms around her, as they walk together in the hallways of YGE. They asked how each other’s day turned out or what they had for lunch. When they are together, chances of entering their own little world is zero.

“I feel like I need to change…” she suddenly said. She’s wearing a dress, which Jiyong really appreciates. He told her she doesn’t have to, because it looks good on her. “I really like it when you dress up, ahjumma.”

“Really?!” before he could answer they entered his studio, “Jjinja. You really are beautiful.” She said thanks, but a series of her insecurities came up, “My body is like a choding!”

“Ani!” he sat at his revolving chair, “I like your body!” it did not come out innocent, he smiled sheepishly, “I love it because it’s mine!”

Sandara blushed, “Look at this guy!!” she laughed with him, while rummaging through her things, “I’ll just change!” then she walked out of his studio to change into her usual hoodies and track pants.

“Okay!” then he went back to his element, creating music. He’s listening to Untitled 2014’s demo, with a notebook and pen on hand, he scribbles, bobbing his head when the melody of his poignant love song enters his hears. It’s his most honest song, it was raw, it was sad—it’s as if he brought his heart out. He wrote it almost two years ago, when he’s getting hopeless of getting her back. Now that he’s listening to it, his heart constricted, it’s as if it came back to that time. Pain demands to be felt…

Jiyong most desperate move was asking Lee Chaerin to not hang up, because he heard Sandara, “She’s there?” he asked his dongsaeng, “she just came out of her room oppa,” Chaerin’s voice was hushed.

“Oh, Chaerin-ah!” he heard her, sweet sweet voice. It made his heart jump.

“Unnie!Annyeong!”

“Oh you’re on the phone…Mianhe!”

“Anii—It’s just Harin!”

“Do not hang up…please.” He begged. He just needed to hear her voice, some more. Just a couple more minutes. He hears their movements, chairs being pulled.

“How are you lately unnie?!” Chaerin asked. 2ne1 is in an indefinite hiatus due to Bom’s scandal.

“Surviving…”her voice was somber. Sandara is hurting for Bom, for their group and for her own heart. Jiyong stayed on the line, his heart leaped when he heard her laugh for the first time in awhile. Chaerin and Dara have a weird sense of humor. Then silence filled the air, Dara decided to break it with a question that even him, did not expect, “How is he?”

“Who?” Chaerin asked to be clear, “Jiyong-oppa?”

“Neh. That punk…is he okay?!”

Chaerin does not know what to say, “I guess he is…”

“hmmm.”

A lone tear rolled in his cheeks—”I wish him happiness.”

“OMOOO!Unnie, the other month you were cussing him off!”

“I can still cuss him off, but I will still wish him well. He was my love for the longest time—you know.”

Chaerin said nothing. There was silence again. “Unnie, I feel like you’re wondering if he’s still with her.”

“I do not need to wonder. I can just go online and check Dispatch.” She faked giggle. “Did you know that I’ve known for awhile now…and I know that you know it too.”

He heard Chaerin sigh, “I’m sorry unnie…I”

“It’s okay, it’s not your fault and I know you do not want to get involved.” She paused, “I somehow met her in Japan and we ate dinner together, I talked to her.”

“Ommmo!Is this before or just recently?”

“It was a month before we broke up…”

“Why?” exactly, Jiyong asked himself too.

“I wanna know what he saw in her. I wanna know her—but instead of getting angry, I set aside the betrayal, I looked at her as a happy woman, and in a way, I am thankful because I know she can make JIyong happy, that was enough for me to let go…”

Chaern sniffed, and he who stayed on the line, could only tighten his grip on his phone. It’s too much.

“Unnie..”

Dara is already sniffing, “Ommo, I am crying again. Well it’s still fresh. Although it’s still painful. I figured, I really loved him so much that I can be happy for him, even though my heart cannot be happy for my own because you know…he was my happiness. I believe my only mistake was I made him my world. But when you see him, tell him he’s still a bastard.”

Then he hung up.

“You’re in deep thoughts, old man.” Sandara came back from the washroom pulling him back to the present day. He turned his swivelling chair, “That was quick…”

“I did not get to